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gay married with very small children

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by abdok79, Sep 3, 2012.

  1. abdok79

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    Hi,
    I Have been going back and forth, weather I should write something on here or not.

    Just a background. I am a middle eastern man, who identifies himself as gay now, married, and with very small children.

    I know there is so many people who have the same situation as mine, and I know my story might sound like a cliche, but I feel that I am very lost, and I can use the advise of members who have been through the same problem, and get an insight about what other people do in these situations.

    Here is my story in details.

    I have always known that I am different. As a child, I was a victim of bullying as a religious minority in a catholic school, in a country where my religion was a majority. That left me traumatized. In addition, I was also bullied by my older brother (strange huh?) who is 8 years older than me, and acted like the more good looking, and the popular, spoiled kid. Unfortunately my parents didn't do anything about me, as they were very busy in their jobs. Anyway, with that background, I grew up in a family without support, and I had to have my sex ed from adult books. I'm not sure when my attraction to men started, but I remember all teenage and adult life, I have never felt anything sexual towards females. Living in a homophobic country, both religiously, plus socially, I kinda managed to suppress my same sex desires to a degree. Being homosexual where I came from was not only considered unacceptable, but it was also illegal, and you could go to prison for it. Eventually, I managed to go into graduate school, and I had good success. Still traumatized by my childhood. I became very successful, however I still knew I was different. In my country being gay meant that you are a bad person, so nobody really expressed homosexuality, and it was the norm and the expectation to get married.
    During my last years of professional school, I turned to gay porn for comfort, and I became very obsessed, even to a degree that I thought there was something wrong, then I started cruising for sex in what I knew were really bad spots, but I couldn't fight my urges. I was even caught once by the police, and was rubbed by a con man on another occasion. My parents were even contacted when I was caught by the police, and given their influence and reputation in the society, I was bailed out. Never really talked to them about my homosexuality. Eventually, I became more successful, and I was able to come to the US in 2005 to finish my training. Prior to leaving the country, under the pressure of society, and my parents, I became engaged through a semi arranged marriage (which is actually the norm in my country). At the time, I thought I had really connected with my wife (fiance at the time), and even though I knew I wasn't attracted to females I was convinced to believe that my homosexuality was probably just a "fluke", and I was led to believe that homosexual feelings kinda disappear as you get into the marriage. Apparently, I was very wrong. My wife was still abroad finishing her study, but we were technically married. I continued to go to gay bath houses and view gay porn thinking that I will get disciplined when she joins me. When she eventually joined me, we became very good friends, and our relationship became much better, with the fact that we were surrounded by many friends and huge support. We then decided that it's to have kids. I was foolish to think that by having kids our relationship will get even better, and I will become a great dad. Well, I was wrong. I then finished my training, and we eventually moved to a much smaller town for a job. That's when boredom kicked in, and I felt trapped. I was at the time obese, and we a lot of effort, and over the next two years, I lost weight and became more attractive, having never had any major sexual encounter with a man before. After I lost weight I started looking on the net for gay cruising spots in my town, and started frequenting the places and finding casual sex encounters. After that, it became a routine. That's when I identified that there was a problem, but I still went justifying to myself that that's what's gonna keep me sane. My wife even started to notice my absence, and irregular pattern coming home late. Still continued to go and even became a regular there. Despite all of that, my wife felt that having another kid will bring us closer and "might save the marriage". So after many unsuccessful trials to conceive, she convinced me to proceed with IVF. I was again fool to think that by having a second child, that things will get better.

    The real problem started last December, when I had a long stretch of time off, and insisted that I went to my brother (who now lives in another state). At the time, my wife was pregnant with our second child. The reason I wanted to go is I wanted to cruise for sex again (very bad I know but don't judge me). Instead of going straight to my brother, I decided to stop on the way at a video arcade and a bath house. That's when I had my very first anal insertive sexual experience. In the interim, my wife called my brother to invite him to new year's party when she found out I wasn't there. During my first anal insertive experience with this guy, the condom broke and I freaked out and went to an STD clinic and had a full STD panel. From there, things started to go downhill. My wife had access to my credit card account, went a checked, and found out (stupid me) that I used the credit card to go into a gay bath house, and to buy gay porn website subscription. Meanwhile, I returned home, and that's when the confrontation started. She started asking questions about the gay websites and the bath house. And eventually was convinced that I'm going there to explore my masculinity which at the time she was convinced that I am not confident with given childhood traumas. Few weeks after, a bill from the STD clinic arrives in the mail, and around the same time, a hook up app from the iphone that I downloaded on mine gets synced automatically to her phone. Being pregnant at the time, and with how much she was overwhelmed, we decided to stay together, with her insisting on me promising to be more committed, but deep down, and during the whole shebang, I came out to myself, and I knew at this point there was no turning back. We managed in the interim to go through the whole thing, while I was extremely devastated and very very depressed (which I still am). Eventually, a series of similar events happened, but I couldn't give up cruising or hooking u with guys, especially after I tried sexual contact with males, and liked it.

    After my second child was born, I even became more depressed, and even worse after I was rejected from a job position that I really wanted. That made me want to cruise for gay sex even much more, and the urge became much more intense. The whole thing opened up a Pandora's box, and I developed more desire in a gay lifestyle.

    During the summer, my wife insisted that we sit down and talk about the whole thing during lunch, and under a lot of pressure, I finally cracked down, and came out to her. As anticipated from a woman from the middle east, her reaction was very intense, she started cursing me and crying, blaming my "possibly dysfunctional childhood and possibly family" for me being this way. I kinda continued to cater to her, and eventually we came up with an agreement.

    I am really sorry for my very long story, but there had been a lot of details that I really needed to list so I can get to my point here.

    1- Apparently, my wife still loves me a lot.
    2- A divorce for a female from the middle east, and especially my hometown which is very closed minded (even as young as my wife of 28) is extremely devastating, and almost is like a death, as dating and finding a husband after divorce is extremely difficult. With that said she is starting to bargain now.
    3- She is insisting (god she is ignorant) that homosexuality is a mental illness, with her argument that if it's normal, it would not be referred to as forbidden in the religion. She now wants me to seek professional help "pediatrician !!!!!!" to see if they can "cure" my homosexuality.
    4- She really wants to stay in the marriage because she really loves me. I told her I love her more like a friend or a sister not a wife, but she is insisting that she loves me, and wants me to fake love, thinking that eventually we might click.
    5- She is bargaining/threatening that if one day I decide to leave the marriage that she is gonna out me to everybody, which at this point I am not ready for yet at all.
    6- She had clearly indicated that if we divorce she will never trust me with the kids, as she thinks that homosexuality equals pedophilia (outrageous and disgusting huh?). She states that she definitely doesn't trust me anymore.
    7- I tell her that by law I am allowed visitations, her answer is "you are the reason that I life is destroyed and you want to deprive me of the kids?". She stated that she would have her parents bring the kids to see me, and stay with them until the visitation is over.
    8- She is insisting that if we ever separate that the kids are never told that homosexuality is a normal variant.
    9- To complicate things more, we have started the process of prob. moving out to a different state, so we sold the house, and now renting a bigger house, with a space for my in-laws who have moved with us to help out with the kids while my wife returns to work.
    10- My in laws love me and trust me, and treat me like own son.
    11- She doesn't get along with my mom =, who she is now blaming for all of my problems. and wants me to come out to her. I chickened out the other day when I tried to tell my mom, because eventually my mom will probably be the first one to know if we divorce.
    12- I have accepted that I am 100% gay, not straight, and not bi, and I'm in need not only sexually but emotionally of a man, and I want to live like any other gay man the gay lifestyle.
    13- I am extremely depressed, as I am now out to nobody but my wife.
    14- Keep telling myself that this just might be sex addiction, and if I can lower my sex drive, maybe I can stay in this marriage.
    15- I so love my kids, especially my 4 years old daughter which I bonded w quiet a bit, and I'm very afraid that I am going to affect them negatively. Should I sacrifice my happiness so I can just dedicate my life to them? BUT my wife has to realize that I am not sexually attracted to females, and that we are gonna have to have a celibate marriage then !!!??.
    16- If I decide to leave the marriage, should I wait until my 4 months old son is older? or when is the right time to do that?
    17- Will my kids hate me forever or blame me for all their future problems if I decide to leave? I guess that also depends on how their mother tells them.
    18- Being outed for a syrian guy especially from my hometown means that I'm gonna have to die and reborn again, because it is a social suicide. Should I just suck it up like most of the syrian guys, and just continue to live a pretend, miserable life, knowing that at least, my domestic partner, my wife knows the fact?

    I know the post is very long, and I am sorry if some of the details are boring, but I felt that this is the place to be able to share my detailed story, and get some advise from like-minded guys out there.....

    Thanks anyone in advance for any words of advise you offer.
     
  2. Ianthe

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    Oh, wow. I don't know what to say, really. It's really terrible that you can't get a divorce without it being so horrible for your wife.

    Would it be possible to move your whole family to a more congenial environment, and then later separate? Somewhere where it would be easier for her to find someone new, and where you would not potentially go to prison for your sexuality? Like, another country?
     
  3. Aldrick

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    Hello abdok79, and welcome to EC. (*hug*)

    You're right, your story is very common. You are most definitely not the only one having this experience. Let me try and go over some things.

    1. I'm very glad that you seem to have been playing it safe with your random hookups with guys, and that you took your health serious enough to get tested. This is hugely important for obvious reasons, not to mention if you're still sexually active with your wife then you could bring something home and infect her as well.

    2. Your desire to hook up with random strangers is normal for someone in your position. You're hungering for a romantic connection with another man, and you're trying to scratch that itch with casual sex with strangers. It's ultimately unfulfilling because random strangers can't give you what you want.

    3. If you stay in your home country and get a divorce you'll be placed in a very dangerous position. Due to the illegality of homosexuality, the fact that your wife is unsupportive, and your parents are likely unsupportive as well... you need to relocate.

    4. Unfortunately, there really is no good outcome here for your wife. Part of this is her fault, and part of it is the fault of the culture and government. The fact that she is basically threatening to out you (which can put your life in danger where you live), deny you access to your children, turn your children against you, among other things... it makes what I am going to suggest much easier.

    I suggest you locate to a different country, a country that is LGBT friendly. Get a job. Get a therapist, because you are obviously going to have issues that you need to work out. Lie to your wife that your therapist is going to help you "become straight" - to pacify her and make the transition easier.

    Once you're in your new adopted country, begin the process of getting both yourself and your children citizenship of the new country. Your wife can begin working toward citizenship as well if she desires it.

    Establish a P.O. Box (or the equivalent in your adoptive country) to have mail sent to so that your wife can't access it. Take out a second credit card that she doesn't know about (in your name only), and have bills and other such information sent to the P.O. Box. Seek legal advice from a professional lawyer who is specialized in child custody, divorce, and has some knowledge of immigration laws.

    Once both you and your children are considered full citizens begin the divorce proceedings. Having your wife in a different country will hopefully be better for her as well, considering how bad things will be for her as a result of being divorced in her home country.

    As full citizens neither you nor your children can be deported, and everything will fall under the laws of your new adopted country. Working with your lawyer, you have the potential to get full custody of your children, or shared custody with your wife. Either way, you can forbid her from allowing her to leave the country with your children. This will prevent her from keeping you from them and turning them against you.

    5. It's time to be selfish and put yourself first. Under normal circumstances I wouldn't recommend any of the above, due to how disruptive it would be on your wife, but the legalities involved and the fact that she likely can very well carry out her threats (easily) in your home country forces you to take such actions.

    6. You are not hurting your children by being gay, and you're not helping them by staying in your current situation. Children are in no way adversely effected by homosexuality, and it's quite possible that you could raise your children together with another man who you later meet and fall in love with. Whether your wife is in the picture or not is entirely up to her and her actions.

    7. You are not responsible for the actions of your wife. If she is making threats, I'd take them seriously, and begin taking action to protect myself. If she is threatening you, then she is also threatening your children, and you need to take whatever actions are necessary to protect yourself as well as them. Considering the repercussions of her threats, I'd consider this and begin thinking of this on the same terms as an abusive relationship.

    8. I'd begin making plans immediately. Start by looking for a job in your desired country, and once you have one, begin looking for a therapist and a lawyer. Once you're in your desired country, get a bank account and a safety deposit box in your name. Once your children are registered in school and all the formal paper work is done, secretly take their passports along with other important paperwork and store it in the safety deposit box. Don't let your wife know where it is, or even (if possible) that it is missing. This will prevent her from fleeing the country with them.

    I know all of this sounds rather harsh and unfair to your wife. Unfortunately, you have to do what is best for yourself and your children. She's made her intentions clear and you should take her seriously and at her word. Hopefully, things will work out for the best for her as well in the end - she'll be able to find another man who cares for her as she deserves in the new country. If she has no desire to remain in the new country, she may (if she so desires) return to her home country without the children.

    Under no circumstances, however, should you allow your children to leave the country with her. Ever. If she gets them out of the country it will be very hard or next to impossible to get them back. However, speaking to a lawyer will help you iron out all the details.
     
  4. maxx

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    Abdok, I'm so sorry for your situation - these predicaments are absolutely heartbreaking. As you say, there are a (growing) number of members who have or are going through similar situations. Seems like you've already been going through the threads, but the posts from 55, Tracker, NomadicDave, JimL, Kneedragger, Swimmy, SoLost44, Tom100, Maxx (me), and others (along with some of the wonderful responses) can provide you with additional thoughts and approaches.

    The key thing to remember is that there IS a way through this - you CAN be happy. There is nothing wrong or broken with you - being gay is just who we are - and that's wonderful.

    One thing I suggest you consider is getting a good therapist who can help you work through your feelings - I found that very useful to get through the initial phase of all of this.

    Also, reading some of the recommended books was useful as well (Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown, Finding Meaning in the Second Half of Life by Hollis, Joe Kort's 10 Smart Things Gay Men Can do to find Real Love, etc. All are available on Amazon and can be bought as ebooks which are a little easier to read without drawing attention.

    I also recommend you lean on us heavily. We are here for you - we know what you are going through and know how excruciatingly painful it is. The people here TRULY care. Amazingly so. I've built friendships here that are deeper, more true, than with people I've known 20 years. I know they will last a lifetime. So post often, let us know your fears, concerns, struggles, hopes, dreams - be as open and honest with yourself as you can.

    It will get better - I promise. You will survive this - and so will your family. There will be good days and bad - but you don't have to face this alone. We are in your corner and will always be here for you.

    Love,
    (*hug*)
    Maxx
     
  5. abdok79

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    Ianthe, aldrich, and Maxx thank you guys for your replies, and I appreciate every input you guys have made. EC is my comfort place that I turn to when I'm desperate or depressed, and I'm really happy that I found this forum. I truly believe that you guys are sincere, and I'm really hoping to form lifelong relationships/friendships here that will help me out in my situation, and once this is all over I'll be able to help others too.

    Despite my very long entry, it seems like I failed to mention that we've relocated, and e now live in the us. So the legal part is probably not the biggest problem. The real dilemma here is my consciousness. It's what's keeping me in this marriage. I can sense every moment that this woman truly and deeply loves me. Accepting me I. The shape that I was in, and helping me through a lot of hardship, it just feels extremely wrong to just desert her, and leave her with the kids without a father. My true problem is that I see all the guys around me married, made a life commitment to their families, and are happy. I did that to the poor woman, and I'm the one who agreed to have kids, so why after all of that should I just walk away and leave then hanging? What happens to sacrifices people do? I always ask my self why life doesn't have a rewind boton or for that matter a forward one? If I can guarantee that my kids will be ok in a harsh society like this then I could walk away much more comfortably. Another factor is my 4 months old baby. I love him, but every time I look in his eyes I see hurt that I caused to his mom.

    We've been talking back and forth about separation. She is trying to find ways in making the whole thing work. I know she is not a mean person she is just hurt.

    Now the question comes to will I ever change back into a straight, family man? Or will I always be the sex monster that I am? I truly believe now that being gay is a wonderful things, and I don't want to change, but for the sake of 2 innocent kids I am willing to sacrifice. Any suggestions guys?
     
  6. Mango

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    Hi there, Abdok!

    I really really do sympathize with you and your really unfortunate situation. One thing for certain, you can no longer live a lie. Given the culture from which your wife and family members have come from, there's no telling just to what extent your wife or anyone close to this situation will react, as homosexuality is absolutely hated in Syria, and most other middle east countries, due to Islam ( it's actually, all of the Abrahamic religions).

    Personally, I would buy my house back. I would remove any family member from my home, who was not a part of my nuclear family. I would simultaneously explain to my wife how religion is the blame for much of the strife and ignorance of the world and try to get her mindset moved more towards evolution and the scientific explanation of how things began. I would also try to move towards an 'open marriage' where I could have a male suiter, outside of the home, and I would introduce her to a handsome young man who could fulfill her sexual and emotional needs, also outside of the home.

    The kids will only see the two of you associate as very close and understanding friends. If I were you, I'd eliminate all Islamic influences and begin making new and more liberal-minded friends. I'd invite them over frequently so that your wife can begin to see things in more of a western and more secular way. I'd emphasize science, evolution, agnosticism, and an open relationship. I'd buy her sexy clothes and make certain that she gets into western fashion. I'd try to make her feel sexy in a western kinda way! I'd introduce her to a female who could influence her thinking. This will take time, but you stay in control of what happens at all times, so that you can stay in your childrens lives and not have anyone cast aspersions upon your good reputation.

    You either do that, or you could simply leave right away and both emotionally and financially support your kids, while invoking your legal visitation rights. However, if you try to do that, there's no doubt that you will risk becoming demonized by your wife and family members. They will negatively influence your kids, given their religious background!

    Whatever you do, I'd strongly suggest that you stop cruising, and stay away from hook-ups inside of bathhouses. Try to find a quality guy who will be a steady and more meaningful partner with you.

    Good Luck! :thumbsup:

    PS.

    Bring books about Skepticism, Buddhism, meditation, and the Dalai Lama into the home...
     
    #6 Mango, Sep 3, 2012
    Last edited: Sep 3, 2012
  7. Ianthe

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    Oh, thank god, you're in the US. That makes this not nearly as bad.

    Do you have citizenship? Are you working towards it? This is probably the best path to take.

    It will be possible for all of you to come out of this okay. I can tell that you care about your wife, and I think that's good. Since you are in the US, it should be possible to find a marriage counselor that will be able to help you both. Find a gay affirming counselor--most of them are. That will help you and your wife communicate, and help her accept that you can't change your sexual orientation. Then you'll be able to move forward with divorce proceedings amicably, because she will agree that they need to happen. If you can separate amicably, there is no reason why your children should have to lose either of you.

    You will not desert her or your children. The US holds men responsible for financial support for their ex-wives and children anyway, particularly in the case where the wife doesn't have many marketable skills--and you can take initiative, and make sure that they are always doing okay. One thing you should stress when you talk to your wife is that you care about them very much, and you don't intend to leave them to financial hardship. The separation will make it possible for her to pursue new relationships.

    I strongly recommend that you go together to a counselor who has experience working with heterosexually married gay men. A therapist will be able to help your wife understand that this isn't something you can change or that is the fault of your family, and will be able to help you find a way to go forward together.
     
  8. Aldrick

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    Ah! This is great news! You mentioned that you relocated, but not to the United States. This will make things MUCH easier for you, as convincing your wife to relocate to another country would have been extremely hard.

    It's natural that you feel that way, and it's also completely understandable. Many people in your position feel a sense of guilt, but allowing guilt to keep you where you are currently standing is a bad idea. It's not about what you did right or wrong in the past, and it isn't about what she did right or wrong. It's about what is best for the future of both of you.

    Your wife loves you, and that isn't her fault. She can't help how she feels, but if you care about your wife - even as a friend - how can you condemn her to a marriage to someone who can't return the feelings that she deserves?

    You're not deserting her, you're striving to be honest so that she can be happy. You aren't leaving your kids without a father, because you can be active in their lives; no matter what she threatens.

    You're not leaving anyone hanging. No one is talking about abandoning your responsibilities as a father to your children. On the contrary, I'm talking about exactly the opposite of that.

    Let's imagine that you attempted to sacrifice your happiness and your life for the happiness of your wife. Would it solve anything, or would it make things worse? Will things be different ten, fifteen, twenty, or thirty years down the line? No. You'll still be gay, and just as unhappy as you are now or worse. Your wife will still be within a marriage with someone who can't return the affection she deserves, and the only thing that has trapped you both there is a sense of guilt, shame, and fear.

    There is such a thing as wise and foolish sacrifices.

    Life doesn't make guarantees like that, you can't protect your children from a harsh and judgmental society. You can only teach them how to live within it, and the best way to do that is to live by example.

    You were never a straight man. You've always been gay. You can't turn into something you never were to begin with. You can still have a family, and be a father to your children.

    You are not a monster. You're a person going through a difficult time in his life, who has to make some tough decisions.

    1. Be honest with yourself. You know you are gay, and that isn't going to change.

    2. Think about what is in the best interest of your wife and children. Not what you wife WANTS to happen (we can always want things that are bad for us), but what she NEEDS in order to be happy. Also, what your children NEED in order to be happy.

    3. Enter Therapy on your own, as well as separate couples therapy with your wife. You want to begin preparing her for the future down the road. Getting professional help will go a long way in this direction, helping her come to terms with what has happened.

    4. Move toward getting U.S. citizenship for your wife, your children, and yourself. Going back to your home country really isn't a real option, in my opinion.

    5. Begin speaking to a lawyer, simply to know your rights and what the law can and won't do for you. This is necessary, in case your wife attempts to flee with your children back to your home country. Getting them back could be next to impossible.

    If you do only one of the above, then I encourage you to seek private therapy for yourself and couples therapy for both you and your wife. Professional help will go a long way toward sorting out the mess, and helping both of you find a way to pick up the pieces of your lives.

    You don't have to mention separation or divorce to your wife. There is nothing immediate about you leaving, but basically if you want my honest and blunt opinion this is where things are going to ultimately end up. And I don't think either of you will be happy until it is done; not only is keeping her in the marriage unfair to her, it is unfair to yourself.
     
  9. Lexington

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    You act as though those are the only two choices. :slight_smile: Maybe you'll simply be gay, and have sex in a fairly standard relationship with another guy?

    I don't recall seeing this. Your families - where are THEY located? Are they in the US as well? If not, what are the odds of you two maintaining the facade for their sake, at least for the time being? So long as THEY think you're still happily married, can you then do...well, whatever it is you decide to do?

    Lex
     
  10. maxx

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    Lex is right in that there are other options besides separation and divorce. There is a group called HOW at queernet.org that is a mail list for Husbands Out to their Wives that provide support to men in mixed orientation marriages (MOMs). Some of those men have been in MOMs for decades, having a "Closed Loop Relationship" (CLR) with another man, often with the full consent of the wife, sometimes not. This type of relationship takes a lot of work, though, and needs a lot of open, mature and honest communication between all involved.

    When I looked at it for my situation, I realized that it really wouldn't be workable for either me or my wife, so have gone down the path of separation. But it IS an option that you might want to explore (you can join the mail list and talk to the members there).

    In addition to seeking out a therapist for yourself, getting your wife to talk to a therapist might be helpful as well.

    Take things slowly, one day at a time... Answers will slowly but surely start to come and you'll start to see that resolving this IS possible... I initially thought coming out was impossible - but with the support, guidance and love shown by everyone here at EC, I've been able to make inconceivable strides in building an authentic life for myself.

    You can too.

    (*hug*)
    Maxx
     
  11. 55

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    Hi, abdok79! Welcome to EC! This site is amazing, as you're learning, and is filled with many members and moderators who want nothing but the best for you!

    You did mention that you came to the US in your original post, but it was buried in a lot of verbiage. At least that's been sorted out now.

    I can't really add much to what the others have said, but I would like to address your concern about being a sex monster.

    Several years into my 35 year marriage (which ended last February) I started hooking up with men in public restrooms and adult bookstores. At first it was infrequent, but by the time I was found out, I was out of control. I felt like a sex monster too.

    For three years after learning of my indiscretions, my ex and I tried to make our marriage work. I tried to make myself believe I was bi and she tried to get past what I had done sexually, endangering both our health. In the end, we couldn't make it work because she couldn't forget what I had done and I could no longer deny I was gay (to myself as well as her). I was, however, able to be faithful for those final three years. I was extremely proud of myself for that!

    One of my biggest fears was that after our divorce, I would fall back into my old ways. It didn't happen. The three years of being a better man allowed me to realize that random sex with strangers was not fulfilling. My biggest revelation was that I really wasn't either of the men I pretended to be all those years. Obviously I wasn't the straight one, but I also wasn't the slut I'd become!

    Now, after 6 months of being single, I have finally allowed myself to be intimate again. At the start, I was going to wait until I was in a committed relationship, but now I've allowed myself to become intimate with a few of my new friends - no strings attached. Maybe a relationship will develop and when it does, I'll have no problem being monogomous. The intimate connections I've experienced are so much more profound than the casual sex I'd had all those years! I know now that I want/need an emotional connection just as much as a physical one. I look forward to the day I have one special relationship that is sexual, sensual, emotional, and spiritual!

    I wish that for you too - for both of you!

    Be strong!

    55
     
  12. Jim1454

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    Hi there and welcome to EC!

    (I had typed a fairly long response and accidently deleted it!!!! So this one may or may not be as involved...)

    I can relate to much of your story. However, luckily for me, I grew up here in Canada where homosexuality is fairly accepted. My family was accepting and supportive. Even my wife, after she got over the initial shock and anger, was supportive and accepting. So I know I have it better than you seem to have it.

    You're not sick or broken if you're attracted to men. You're gay. And there's nothing wrong with that. It's just the way you are.

    In my case, I didn't realize I was gay when I was younger. I got married in my late 20s because that's what people my age did. Then we had kids.

    I had used porn growing up as an 'escape' from my reality - whatever was bothering me at the time. And as stress in life increased, so did my use of porn. And when I was married and had a second daughter, a larger house, a job I didn't like, my use of porn escalated. I started using chat rooms, and phone lines, and eventually started meeting men for sex. And I couldn't stop. I was out of control. I would soon learn that I was a sex addict.

    I was depressed - because I hated myself for what I was doing. I was gaining weight. I felt trapped. Things were hopeless. I thought I was ruining my wife's life, and the lives of my two daughters.

    I came out to my wife, and we separated. I got into recovery for my sex addiction and I came to accept that I was gay.

    But I still had contact with my kids. My wife was very understanding - where as yours likely wont be. I have them every other weekend as well as every other Thursday evening. But when we first separated I would stop in to visit with them even more often. I didn't abandone them. I supported my ex wife and my kids so that their lifestyle didn't suffer (except for the smaller house). They lived quite comfortably, as did I.

    And when I eventually came out to my kids, they didn't have a problem with it at all. They don't mind having a gay dad. I had a boyfriend when I came out to them, and they met him. He and I are now married, and the kids are with us quite often - and with his kids - as he was married before as well.

    So this isn't the end. This is potentially the beginning. But your issue will be with your wife. I'm afraid of what she might do. She is obviously still influenced by the teaching in your home country - and not by what is generally accepted here in North America. So you'll need to get a lawyer who is ready to protect your rights to be with your kids. There is absolutely no reason why you can't be with them unsupervised. And there is no reason why you can't continue to be very active in their lives.

    So I would strongly recommend that you get counselling and consider whether your sexual behaviour is a result of sex addiction. Your traumas from your youth might have triggered that - it became your coping mechamism because you had nobody else to turn to for help. If you can't get that behaviour in check then you wont' be any good to anyone - you or your kids.

    But in terms of being gay - you might as well accept it and integrate it into your life.

    Yes - you've got into a situation that isn't ideal because you haven't been honest with yourself or with those around you. But that's all in the past. What is the best thing for you to do now? I think it's for you to be honest with yourself and those around you - and to start living a life that is authentic. Denying this will just continue to get harder. And the pressure and stress that this will create will send you back out into the streets cruising - and that's not what you really want. It's not what's best for you or your family.

    Feel free to write back here or to me directly in a PM. I can relate quite closely to what you're going through.
     
  13. NomadicDave

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    Abdok

    Welcome. The men on EC are here to help and will be a tremendous resource for each move you take towards an authentic life, without guilt or shame. Lean heavily on us and by all means read a lot of posts as Maxx suggested. I truly admire your courage at taking these most difficult decisions.

    I'll not rehash my story here but I can say after two marriages and decades of denial I realized that being gay was who I am meant to be. I stopped fighting and the payoff has been nothing short of wonderful. I feel more whole, genuine and have found incredible strength to make tough decisions that seemed impossible just a few months ago. I finally have a compass and a road map moving forward.

    Please remember that any advice I give is based on my personal experience and not that of a professional and may not apply to your situation.

    After much deceit, even after coming out, I finally made the decision to be totally honest to my wife. Your situation mandates caution and parsing of information and I would take heed to the great advice so far given. So go slowly at first because there are many challenges that lie ahead and it will not be easy yet, when you act in accordance to your true self, you will find the strength to move forward. Be present for your life as it unfolds and the reward will be magnificent.

    Nomadic Dave
     
  14. abdok79

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    Thank you very much guys. I have been reading the posts over and over again, and I have been taking and considering every word of wisdom and advise very very seriously from all of you. This forum is of a tremendous help, and support has just been fantastic. I have been reading the posts over and over again, and I have been trying to digest every single line of them, and that's what's took me too long to reply. The answers were really overwhelmingly good, that I could not formulate

    Mango, thank you for your input. However, I would not necessarily blame religion for everything that world or I are going through. It's really a very complex matter, and it's mainly a society, human nature type of thing. The religion integrates into society, and both create a battery of situations, some bad some good. Islam is a great religion, and the teachings are just as wonderful as Buddhism, a maybe even better. However, following it by the book is the problem nowadays. As for my wife, believe it or not, we are in a schizophrenic society. She is modern and as sexy as any beautiful American girl. She follows she fashion very closely, wears the sexiest makeup, carries the most fashionable bags, and if that what you are referring to, does not even wear the veil. She has many open minded acquaintances as well. The problem is that she is told that this is very very wrong by her surroundings, and is observing the majority of her surrounding acquaintances living a straight life. As for being friends, I am currently afraid that she does not see that as an option. As for immediate separation, this is going to be a far more complex decision, and it will lead to so many undesired consequences, which is what I have been trying to sort out, and really afraid of. I am 100% willing to support financially and emotionally my family, but is she, with the pride, ready for such thing? no body knows.

    Aldrich, thank you again for your reply, it is very thoughtful. Points you made are excellent. Not sure if I'll be happy 10, 20, 30, or 40 years from now. All what I can think of is that at the current time, I am not able to function well as a father (and a husband for that matter) because of my sexual impulsiveness, and I am saying to myself, if I can control that I can at least I can occupy myself with my kids who I love, and forget that I am gay, and be happy to just be around my kids. I keep telling myself I am gay, but is all what I am looking for is just having sex with men? or do I want to live a gay life, with real relationships with men? For me, if I can help controlling my impulsiveness, and I can find love for my kids, I believe it will probably be enough. The problem is, I have never had a relationship with a man before, so I don't know what it will feel like.
    I keep telling myself, is it best for my kids to have divorced mom and dad? or to live with a dad who pretends he is happy but he is not? At least I never show my kids that I am not happy, except for the rare mood swings that I get.

    Luckily, I have a green card now, so I am all set. There is war in my country anyway, and that's not an option anyway. The main problem is that my wife wants to raise the kids with a syrian mentality.

    I am going to hopefully be consulting with a lawyer. All what I want is visitations and be able to be active in my kids life such as sports, exercise, taking them on vacations ,and helping with their homework, and taking them out dinning. Be basically involved in raising the kids.

    To be honest with you I strongly believe if I don't get treated for sex addiction, and if I remain in my current condition, and living situation that this is going to happen. Either ways, I strongly believe this is going to be the end result, but honestly I am extremely terrified by the consequences, and maybe my personality is holding me from making any moves forward. I'm beginning to loosen up about the idea of therapy, but therapy is making me anxious that this will likely be the end of the marriage when my wife realizes that I just can't change.

    Maxx, thanks for sharing the story. From my knowledge with my wife, this definitely won't be workable, and will make both our lives a living hell. Though a nice woman, she is definitely a control freak. I can see from every single comment she makes that she wants to be the person to raise the kids, and she has me as an exclusive, who she wants to live a love story with, even that she might know that it's not mutual, but she thinks she has the right to own me. I am definitely going to get a therapist, but I am afraid that in such a small town in rural maine that there won't be any qualified therapists to deal with such a complex case, both culturally, and socially as mine.

    Amen to that, but, just like any human being, impatient about it, and really don't know if I can wait any longer, and I am afraid in the interim that I will do something really stupid to harm myself or her. I'm making EC my best friend and ally, and so far learned a lot from all of you guys.

    55, how were you able to control sexual impulsiveness? because I was reading about sex addiction, and I have noticed that like any other addiction has no cure. Did you start on antidepressants. My question to you is that, after all these years of marriage, was friendship with your kids not enough to get you through the subsequent years?.

    Jim, my friend, I have actually read your whole story, and truly admire it. I even saw your wedding pictures, and I really think you guys look awesome together. Congratulations on your courage, finding a great guy, and the wedding, and congratulations for remaining to be a great father. I still think your story is somehow similar, though with two different backgrounds, making mine much more complicated. The problem is, and as I mentioned earlier in my message, is that my sexual addiction is preventing me from loving my kids (who I adore), and giving them the attention that they fully deserve, so my priority now is to control that, and who is better other than somebody who had been through that to give me advise? Wanted to ask you was therapy helpful for that? was therapy helpful to get your mind off being gay temporarily? You are exactly right about not being good to anyone. Other than making a living and bringing money to the house, I feel I am no good to anyone, and I feel that this is occupying my mind, and distracting me from my social life, my work, and my family most importantly.
    You are absolutely right about my wife and her family being influenced by what's known about homosexuality in Syria. Every time a gay guy appears on TV, I hear hate phrases such as ugh, disgusting, eww, these people have no morals,.....etc. Before, I used to falsely agree, but now I absolutely stopped, and somehow my wife did too. With said, she is still absolutely influenced, and I am really anxious about what she might do to try to protect the kids from the influence.
    Counseling, counseling, counseling..that's all what I hear, and now I am 100% convinced that it will defiantly help. My situation is far short from being ideal, and as you said, I hate my self every moment for being the sex "monster", and right now, I am really happy that I accepted myself of being gay and being absolutely normal, and I am longing for the authentic life that every gay guy deserves.

    Lex, I am actually taking it way too slow. We both are, and I am afraid that something will go terribly wrong while we are taking it slow, but we are definitely taking it extremely slow at this time, knowing that this is most likely not going to last that long, but still holding on to something.

    Nomadic dave, caution is being used, however, while caution is being used my sexual behavior is becoming riskier, and I am actually becoming even more self aware. I would love to hear your story, as every body here on EC has been of a great inspiration and help. I can't wait to be true to myself and to people around me, and I can't wait to live the authentic life that every gay guy deserves.
     
  15. aj32

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    I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I'm married with small children too. I came out to my husband last year. He tries very hard to be supportive but ultimately blames my homosexuality on my mental illness. I personally have decided to stay in the marriage for my children. I live in a very small town in the south and openly dating women would not be okay. My kids wouldn't be able to have friends over etc. because their friends parents would think I'm a pervert. This is the hardest decision I have ever made and I'm still unsure if it was the right one being that I am extremely depressed. I just keep telling myself maybe when the kids are older. You should never have to feel ashamed for who you are. You are wonderful. Good luck whatever you decide to do. I'm always here if you ever need to talk.
     
  16. NomadicDave

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    First off I hope your extended family in Syria are safe from the awful strife there.

    You mentioned about addiction that is really important. There is no "cure". There is a solution though and the first step is to stop the behavior, especially if it is unsafe, harmful to you or others. If the problem continues then it is really simple-get involved with a 12-Step program on sex addiction. They work! They really do!

    I would continue reading the threads started by those that were mentioned by Maxx. They might help you prioritize your issues, calm you and give strength and guidance. Your plate is full and I cannot tell you which priority comes first, only you can do that.

    I come from a family whose parents were married were married three times to each other. Yes, it was a tumultuous household. My recollection during one of their divorces was greater calm and peace at home. I adjusted to their divorces well and, fast. In fact I was relieved. Your children will probably react in the same fashion unless the mother wants to pollute the situation with cruelty and abuse towards you.

    Since you really do not have any "control" over your wife's behavior all you can do is act in accordance with your truest feelings, your center. Find that place inside and your map of what to do next will become clearer.

    Keep Posting

    Kind Regards

    Dave
     
  17. Jim1454

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    I'm sorry that it has taken a few days to get back to you. I haven't had much time to spend here lately.

    Thank you for your compliments. Remember that those 2 smiling guys in the wedding pictures were just as scared and confused and conflicted as you are right now. 5 years later, with the support of friends and family and each other did we find ourselves in that happy situation. It takes time and effort.

    Sex addiction prevents you from loving anyone - not just your kids. Sex addiction is referred to as a disease of intimacy. We've perhaps never learned how to be truly intimate with people. We think we're sacrificing for everyone else (which is a somewhat selfish thought) and that is what allows us to justify doing the things we do in secret - as some kind of reward. But the reality is we're using our actions as a coping mechanism. An escape from the things that are bothering us. The things we don't know how to deal with.

    Counselling helped. Going to a 12 step meeting helped. I STILL attend SAA meetings every week - sometimes twice a week. And that's because they work, and because I need them. Alcoholics don't eventually learn how to drink responsibly - they are always alcoholics, just in recovery. Same with all addictions. You will need to start working on it and keep working on it. But it is worth it.

    And the counselling didn't help me to forget that I was gay. It helped me to accept that I was gay. And with acceptance, I could start to process what that really meant to me and to my life. I had been trying to forget through escaping into my addiction. By facing it and accepting it meant I no longer had to run from it, and I had one fewer reason to act out sexually.

    But counselling DID help me approach the changes in my life in a rational rather than a fearful way. My counsellor helped me see things from different perspectives. For example, I was really worked up about the fact that my kids were going to have to move out of the somewhat exclusive neighbourhood that we lived in - because neither of us could afford to live there once we separated. But he pointed out to me that the kids didn't care how big the back yard was or how much money the house cost. They would adapt to their new smaller house just fine as long as they know that their mom and dad love them. And he was right.

    So getting into counselling and addiction recovery is important for you, for your kids, and for your potential future partner. There's no way I could have ever met my husband and maintained a relationship with him if I wasn't in recovery for my sex addiction. So that's another motivation for you.

    Counselling would benefit your wife as well. She will need someone to talk to about this - how she is feeling and about what her fears are. Hopefully she'll find someone who is 'gay friendly' who can gently point out to her that the things she's learned in her home country aren't true, and that you can still be a good friend to her and a good dad to her kids despite the fact that you're gay. Good luck!
     
  18. gaYMich6el

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    A lot here already. I just want to add:

    See a therapist. I had a few until I found the right one, who could discuss being gay, and could also help me talk through my cultural/religious complexity (ironically my therapist isnt gay OR religious--but it will just depend on who you find!) For you the discussion will include your children, wife and family, and how to keep navigating from there.

    See yourself through this. Your example is valuable for every young person from your ethnicity who will find themselves in this situation one day.
     
  19. 55

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    For the last few years of my messing around with men, I truly felt out of control. I would look for every opportunity to sneak off to the book store and hook up with as many guys as possible. At first the guilt was tremendous but then it just became how my life worked. During that time, I did nothing to try to control it. Once I got found out and started counseling, and seeing the devastation it caused my ex, I was able to stop screwing around. Does that mean I really wasn't addicted? Possibly. Maybe I rationalized my activities by blaming addiction. I did truly feel helpless in controling the urges for a long time though. In the 3+ years our marriage lasted after the fallout, I challenged myself to be faithful, and I was. It's one of my greatest sources of pride.

    After our marriage just wouldn't work because of my ex's continued inability to get past what I had done and my inability to deny my true self, I was still able to refrain from going back to my old ways. I thought it would be an overwhelming desire, but it wasn't. Now I know I'm a better man than that. I have been with a few guys over the past few months, but they're not complete strangers, but guys I've considered having a relationship with. No Mr. Right yet though, but I'm determined to maintain my dignity so that I can stay safe and not have to feel the shame that once ruled my life.

    I did start taking antidepressants and continue to do so. Once I get into a strong relationship and the waters of my life with my ex and kids have calmed, I hope to get off them.

    My relationship with my kids is not good at the present time. I thought I was protecting them all those years by remaining closeted. What I didn't know was the toll being less present for them than I should have been was taking on all of us. We all know we love eachother, but they are struggling with my extended infidelity while they were all growing up. The can't bear to think about the health risks I posed to their mother and myself. I hope we'll find our way back to eachother, but right now I'm living one of my biggest fears of that secret life - rejection. I am filled with remorse and can't seem to do the right thing in bringing us back together. Time is a great healer, but I don't have great patience.

    Be strong!

    55