Married but Gay?

Welcome to EC!

So what's the current situation? Does it appear to be over between you and your wife?

Lex

 

That's very cool of her. But if "415" means "San Francisco", that's perhaps not surprising.

So what do you think the next step should be, now that you have your wife in your corner?

Lex

 

That can be a tough one. My general advice in situations like this is to "try it on for size", but since you've already kinda done that, and you already know you can find guys attractive, that's sort of already done. Maybe Jim or one of our other "married to a woman" gay guys (or "married to a man" gay women) can chime in on a good next step.

Lex

 

This is really tricky and I don't know what to say. I guess I was lucky to always know what sex I was attracted to. You say you're attracted to her so you might be bi. Or maybe you're confused as to what attraction is. Maybe you think because she's physically attractive and is desirable to other men that you're attractive to her and that your attraction is legitimate. Does she give you an erection at all? You're repulsed by gay sex after the act. You might just be disgusted with yourself for going outside of the marriage and being unfaithful, it could be guilt. But I was once in your shoes. I'm gay and after sex I would feel dirty. But I think that stems from it happening through random hookups and not from anything substantial like a repeat sexual partner or relationship I could rely on to fulfill my needs. I'm over that now, I've accepted it for what it is. If you need to talk some more I'm open to it.

 

Hi, AdamAnt415! Welcome to EC.

I'm on my way to work soon so I can't post anything substantial. I'll try to find some time tonight to write more.

I was married for 35 years (thank your lucky stars for only 5 years although I'm not diminishing yours in any way! It's an awful situation to be in). You don't mention children so I'm assuming that's not part of the equation. We had three. I came out late last year and we divorced in February.

I'm in touch with a group of guys who have been married for extended periods of time. I'll put out the word and hopefully you'll get some good advice!

More later. In the meantime, you might want to read my threads and posts to other threads. They may already contain some of what you're looking for.

55

 

Hi Adam. Welcome to EC. I'm glad you've found this site - I hope it's as helpful to you as it was to me when I was first coming out.

You've been with your wife for 9 years, and you're 25. So you've been dating her since you were 16 and you've been married now for 5 years. If you were attracted to other guys when you were 13 or so, you didn't have much time to process all of that before you got into a committed relationship with a woman - and presumably you just 'went with the flow'. You dated her, you got engaged, you got married. Just like everyone else. Like you were supposed to.

I did very much the same thing. I had hints a little later - at around 20 - in that I started to use gay porn at that point. But it didn't really occur to me that I might be gay. I assumed I was just bored of the straight stuff. (At least, that's how I rationalized it in my mind.) When I was introduced to a nice woman who was a couple of years older than me we hit it off. I always assumed I would get married and have kids, so when she was interested in doing the same we got engaged and soon were married. I was 27.

Before long I was using gay porn again - behind her back. And a few years later that progressed into gay chat rooms, cyber sex, phone sex, and eventually meeting other men for sex. I hated myself for doing it. It soon became an obsession. I would find out after a couple of years that I was a sex addict. I was coping with my depression and self loathing by acting out again sexually. It was a really vicious cycle that was difficult to break. (Which I did break.)

I loved my ex wife. I still love her. But I realized later that I didn't love her the same way that she loved me. I had sensed that early on in our relationship, but assumed it was a guy vs. girl thing. But it wasn't. When I accepted that I was gay, and I allowed myself to be attracted to other men, and I met someone and fell in love... wow - the emotions were WAY more powerful than they'd ever been for my wife.

Like you, my wife was supportive and understanding. More than I could believe or deserved I thought. After the initial shock of it passed, she recognized that I hadn't done this on purpose, and that the sexual acting out, at least in my case, was primarily driven by the addiction, and all she wanted was for me to get better and to be happy.

If you're stepping outside of your marriage to have sex only with other men, which is what I did, I'm not sure you're bi. I was attracted to my wife. We had a satisfying sex life. But in general, women don't catch my eye. Men do. 100%. So even though I was married for 9 years and I fathered 2 children, I consider myself to be gay. That may or may not fit for you. I must saying that because a lot of people will say "You can't be gay, you must be bi, because you were married and had sex with a woman." And I'm here to tell you that it doesn't matter. I consider myself to be gay.

I've since got sober in my addiction, met a wonderful guy (who had also been married to a woman and had 2 kids) and we got married last summer. So while you're in a horrible spot right now, you won't be in that spot forever. I will get better.

If you're in Chicago, I would think that there would be support groups available, as well as counselling. I'd strongly recommend that both you and your wife get counselling - separate and together - to keep your relationship positive and healthy as you work through this. I credit my therapist with saving my life, and for allowing me to maintain a healthy and positive relationship with my ex wife, who is the mother of my two daughters and always will be.

Good luck, and feel free to write to me one on one or respond here in this thread for the benefit of others. I hope this was helpful.

 

Hi again, Adam. My own story echos Jim's very much in terms of feeling powerless to control my same sex urges once I went down that road. With it came feelings of great shame and crippling fear of what would happen to everyone who was important in my life if my secret was found out. As I said in my earlier post, it took over 35 years for my closet to come crashing down on me because I hooked up with the wrong guy and brought home an STD. If that hadn't happened, I'd probably still be in the closet. We tried for three years to salvage our marriage while I professed bisexuality. As Jim said, just because you can have sex with a woman doesn't make you bisexual. I am 100% gay but was in 100% denial.

Today, I'm learning to walk my new path. My ex has forgiven me and is moving on with her own life. We are trying to figure out our future relationship. I hope it can be as great as Jim's, but time will tell. Although I yearned for years to be able to live my life authentically, I'm still having a tremendously hard time moving on. The latest evidence of this was when my ex started dating again. WOW! That hit me hard, which is ironic considering my many, many transgressions. I think I've finally come to terms with what sex can mean within a committed relationship. It's something I want more than ever now. I want it for her too, but it's hard to feel like you've been replaced.

I hope you and your wife have avenues for counseling. As Jim said, it can be a lifesaver!

Keep posting. I believe you've found the best site in the world to help you though whatever comes next!

(*hug*)

55

 

I am married and have been bisexual nearly my whole life. I never told my current wife of that because we probably wouldn't have gotten together. I have constant urges to have gay sex. I act on them frequently. Now I don't pick random guys. I have had a fuck buddy for a while now. I just do my thing discreetly. It's usually after work. My wife and I still have sex about once a week and that's mainly due to her not wanting it more than that. However, my gay urges land me in bed with my friend about 2-3 times a week.

 

Another one of those once married guys. I had sex with guys as a young guy, was married by the time I was 21/22 or so. So also never the chance to ever be single, gay, dating, youngster.

I was very much in love with my wife. Also in love with love -- wanted the whole life that I thought EVERY man should have -- great job, great wife, house, kids -- you get the picture. And loved that life so much that I overlooked that the marriage sucked.

And became so over involved in making the marriage work, raise the kids, etc. that, conveniently, I barely paid any attention to my desires, fantasies, need for being with men.

So that emotional vs. sex thing with men. Had sex, none of the emotional stuff. SO here I am at my age and "never had a boyfriend."

But being out, enjoying my gay friends, being part of the gay/lgbt community DOES change everything. And having friends who are gay couples -- guys I see multiple times a week -- its amazing to see.

And dating, yes, really dating (not just someone who is there for sex), is also pretty amazing. maybe 6 months or so ago I started dating. This guy was amazing. All day we'd hang out, enjoy being together, laugh, talk, whatever. Yes, we'd fool around. But just from a time thing -- we spent much much more time together outside of bed than in bed.

I remember telling my therapist how confused I was. How I was unsure how to navigate the gay world. And he looked at me, asked me think about my weekends dating. And I got -- I lived, in a small way, the script of how I want my life to be.

So -- this long post -- for me, maybe for you, you won't develop emotional connections with gay guys, until you actually have the chance to do it! A hook up -- that's not the same, by a long shot.

Keep posting... do you have a therapist to work with on this? In Chicago there must be plenty of good gay therapists who do this kind of work!

 

Hello all
first post ... it is amazing how my story mirrors so many... Im almost 50 married 20years 4 kids .. always thought i was at least bi, but somehow managed to supress and ignore the feeling most of my life. always in denial.. something for some reason snapped almost a year ago.. could not supress any longer. Gay porn went to gay chats went to a hookup.
when i am honest with myself i can remember signs from as early as 15yrs old.. just didnt fit the girly fem gay stereotype of 70"s gay.. I was a man.. macho..liked football and fishing and manly things... i wasnt gay ..i wasnt girly... dated had sex with woman and got married....had kids thats what im supposed to do.. was fine for about 10years of marriage then the feeling started and grew and grew... i finally admitted to myself that i am at least bi if not gay...i can go into a room of 1000 people and i only seem to notice the guys.. i have never been aroused by looking at woman but can easliy get aroused by a photo of a man.... but with all that said.. im stuck could never come out .. would kill my wife and kids.. i will do anything to protect them.. just hate dealing with the continuous mental distractions all day.. how was i able to supress and ignore and deny for so many years , now i cant???? any advice would be appreciated. and please dont judge , i beat myself up enough.. if there was a pill to take away the attraction to men, i would have taken it years ago.... thanks

---------- Post added 19th Sep 2013 at 10:26 AM ----------

OMG would not let me edit the initial post....near the end of the post it should have said
.....im stuck could never come out...."IT" would kill my wife and kids.... meaning coming out would be devistating to them.... guess i should have proof read......

 

you want men. she is a woman. ultimately you do not want her. case closed.

 

Jake,

I can relate, in "sorta" a similar situtation. I tried to send you a pm, but the system won't allow me to...

 

Hi Mav
tried sending you one also..no luck...
the short is ... Ive been dealing with all this myself... i have no one to talk to cause no one knows... stumbled on this site today and i am encouraged that there are many here who have similar storied and may be able to give some guidance and support..
J

 

Jake, I'm in the same boat as you. I've done a lot of soul searching since coming out to myself about two months ago. The more I think about it, the more I feel coming out is the right thing to do even though the thought of hurting my wife and kids tears me apart. Can you honestly say living the lie isn't putting a strain on your marriage? Can you honestly say you won't be tempted to keep hooking up? Can you honestly say you want to keep going like this?

 

Jake and Spaceman,

Both of you are younger than me. There is still plenty of time to be yourselves and be happy! Prior to coming out 3 years ago, the thought of ever being with a man seemed like a mirage that would fade the closer I got to it. I am STILL stunned that it actually became a reality for me!

I encourage you to both come out, if you feel the strength to do so. Your true life is waiting.

 

Hi spaceman, i can assure you that living a lie puts a great strain on my marriage, and i can honestly say im tempted constanly just for the fact that any time i see an attractive guy my thoughts wonder, and I honestly dont want to go on forever like this, but my job as a father is to protect my I made my bed,, gotta lie in it now....