1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Married with 2 kids - can I save my marriage?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by anonymousdad, Oct 20, 2012.

  1. anonymousdad

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 18, 2012
    Messages:
    5
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Does anyone have a story (or remember a thread you can direct me to) where a man has come out as bisexual to his wife and managed to pull things together to save the marriage? As you might guess I'm married with kids. I love my wife, I love my kids, and I want this all to work out. I have no idea how it's going to play out but things aren't looking good.

    My wife strongly suspected I was gay/bi/interested in guys when we were dating, especially after we were engaged. I assured her that it was nothing, I was straight, etc., and we got married. Our lives have been a whirlwind of activity for 6 years - career things, then two kids - and just now with it all settling down we've been forced to face this issue.

    Since we've begun to talk about this, things have been in a tailspin. My wife doesn't know what to do or what her future holds. I have no desire to start sleeping around. I don't know how to determine whether I'm capital-G gay or bisexual - I can't trust myself enough to know anything (if any of you have lived the level of self-deception this kind of thing can engender for long enough, you may know what I mean).

    Any thoughts? This is killing me. I don't want to end up divorced. I want to raise my kids and see them every day. I don't want to lose that. Thanks all.
     
  2. Cassandra

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 2, 2012
    Messages:
    304
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Mexico (Mexicali City)
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Do you love your wife?
     
  3. anonymousdad

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 18, 2012
    Messages:
    5
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
  4. stumble along

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 8, 2011
    Messages:
    652
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    SR388
    Tell her exactly what you told us, you have no intention of sleeping around, you love her, and you want to be with the kids everyday. I'd also suggest maybe some couples counseling, but honestly if you are dead set on keeping this together tell her that again and again she will eventually get it.
     
  5. anonymousdad

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 18, 2012
    Messages:
    5
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Our biggest problem is that I can't figure out if I'm gay or bi or what. She's afraid that I think I'm bi now but will decide later that I'm gay and there she will be 50 years old and divorced. I don't blame her for worrying; if I was in her position I would probably run for the hills. This is such a crappy situation and I don't know what to do. We've just started seeing a therapist, and that will hopefully help, but thinking that the therapist has all the answers is just magical thinking. Good lord this sucks.
     
  6. Cassandra

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 2, 2012
    Messages:
    304
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Mexico (Mexicali City)
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Exactly.

    If you love your wife (and your kids, of course) then there's no need to worry. The fact that you're attracted to some men it's irrelevant, as you're also attracted to your wife. I mean, being bisexual (as that's what's most likely to be) doesn't alter a thing. It's the same as you were straight, the fact you get attracted to other women, doesn't necesarily mean you don't love your wife, neither that you may "leave" her.

    Just explain her that, while you may get attracted to men every now and then, you still love her, and want your life with her above any other thing.

    You know, the say that couples with one being bisexual are happier that completely straight couples!!

    ---------- Post added 20th Oct 2012 at 12:39 PM ----------

    Don't loose sight of some important fact: any kind of sexual orientation (wheter you be straight, gay, bi, or anything else) is just the way in wich you face love. If you love you're wife, then you already had it sorted out. So there's no need to worry.
     
  7. Eleanor Rigby

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 21, 2009
    Messages:
    2,767
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    France
    Two of my friends have been in a similar situation and I'm not going to lie, it ended up with a breakup. But that doesn't mean it has to be the same for you and your wife : every couple is different, every story is different.
    I think seeing a therapist is the best possible thing you can do for your couple now. And yes, you're right, it's not going to give you all the answers at once, but it's going to help you and your wife find out what your answers are to this problem.
    I suppose the reason you can't figure out if you're gay of bi is that you never had experience with a man. I think the main issue lays here : do you think you can be faithful to your wife and ignore that part of your sexuality for the rest of your life, or is it something you want to explore at some point. And if this is something you want to explore, do you think this is something your wife is going to be ok with.
    These are the main questions really and you should find a way to bring them on and to answer them as honestly as you can. Because, ending up divorced and alone at 50 is a risk every women (and men) who decide to get married are facing. We're all taking the risk to see love fade away and to be left for someone else (younger, thinner, wealthier, or just different from who we are). So this is less about the fact your wife is facing the risk to see you leave with a man (because that could happen with a woman too), it's more about not denying who you are.
    If you're happy in your marriage with your wife, there is no reason to think that being attracted to men too is putting your marriage at risk. But if you're unhappy, despite the fact that you love your wife, then it's likely you're having a problem that will not get better with time. You're the only one who can answer this question : are you happy with your wife ?

    And here is a link to a booklet you may want to give to your wife : http://www.pflag.org/fileadmin/user_upload/Publications/Straight_Spouse.pdf
    I gave it to my friend who had been in this situation, and she find it really helpful.

    Take good care of yourself, (*hug*) Cécile
     
  8. Crazyguy

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 29, 2010
    Messages:
    78
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Western Canada
    Hi and Welcome to EC.

    I went through something similar to you when I was middle aged, I'm now in my fifties. My wife stuck by me and we're still together 15 years later. Like you, I was very confused about my orientation. Wasn't sure if I was gay or bi. Therapy did help some but you still need to come to your own conclusion. I came to the conclusion I was bi because I can be physically and emotionally attracted to either a woman or man. I think I lean more to the male side but that may just be because I've been with my wife for several years so the other side of me has sat idle and hasn't been satisfied. I wish there was a site like this when I was coming to terms with my orientation. It is very refreshing to hear some of the experiences here and be able to be yourself.

    In terms of what your future holds, you and your wife will need to work through that. Understandably, she is afraid she is going to be left alone, but you really need to come to terms with your orientation. If you are bi it is extremely hard parking a part of yourself in the closet to the world. I'm sure you know that because likely you have been struggling with this situation for quite a while.

    Whatever you two decide stick around here as there are people that care and can relate to your situation. Hopefully we can be of a little help and let you know you're not all alone. Take care.

    If you'd like to chat with someone who has been exactly where you are PM me.
     
  9. StevieD

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 12, 2012
    Messages:
    19
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Florida
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Anon Dad,

    U really didnt clarify if you have had ANY experiences with men, you just said your wife 'suspected' you were attracted to men prior to your marriage......Well I was in college and my girlfriend at the time asked me once if I was gay because I didnt want to date her.....I was confused at the time and said NO, Im not gay.......I had never really dated alot of men OR women because I was raised in a strict Catholic household and felt I couldnt explore any sexuality......

    Long story short, I started to date her and she became pregnant (she was on the pill), so I married here and we have three wonderful adult children....(28,26,21)....Our marriage began to disinegrate for several reasons, extensive travel for my job, major addiction issues for her which created trust issues, and etc etc......

    We have been separated for three years, and I just this past weekend told her and my 3 children I have had strong feelings for men the last few years......They all totally supported me and said they all just wanted to see me happy again (depression issues).

    My wife even said 'even if we have different partners in this life, I ALWAYS want to be a family at Christmas and vacations........It totally blew me away...........

    In my case, I havent lost anything (so far) and hope I can now find a man who I can have a LTR with......who knows where this life will lead, but holding my feelings inside for many many years is not a good thing........

    GOOD LUCK FRIEND................:icon_wink
     
  10. anonymousdad

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 18, 2012
    Messages:
    5
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Thanks all. I appreciate it.
     
  11. Jim1454

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 13, 2007
    Messages:
    7,284
    Likes Received:
    4
    Location:
    Toronto
    What was this about? What was it that forced you to face this issue?

    As you've maybe read from some of my posts - I was married for 9 years and we had 2 little girls. I simply ignored any idications of my orientation being something other than straight until I couldn't ignore them any more. And at first I assured myself that I was bisexual. But as time went on and I became more and more unhappy in my relationship, I had to accept that I was gay.

    Even though I was married to a woman for 9 years, and we had a very satisfying sex life, I consider myself to be gay. I'm not interested in a relationship with another woman. I'm more in love with my husband than I was with my ex wife. Women simply don't get my attention - but a hot guy has both my husband and I turning our heads. (It's kind of funny, actually...) I'm definitely gay.

    So I can't really relate to what it is to be bisexual. Just like some (most) straight people have trouble understanding what it's like to be gay. I would think that if you're truly bi then you'd be equally as happy with your wife as with a man. And that would mean, as has already been suggested, that there shouldn't be an issue holding your marriage together.

    So if you don't think you can be equally as happy being with her over being with another man, then this will likely continue to weigh on you. It's not going to get better - it's only going to get worse (in my experience).

    Therapy - on your own and together - can't hurt. It can only help. I'm glad you've started into that. Being able to talk openly about this will only help clear up what it is that is really bothering you, and what your next steps are likely to be.

    I'll tell you though that even if you decide to separate, you can still remain a very active part of your kids' lives. My wife and I remain on very good terms, and I'm able to see my kids as often as I'd like. It can work - it's just different. And the kids won't be scarred for life either. They adapt - better than we do in some respects.

    Hope this helps. I'm still curious to know what it was the brought this to the surface again in your relationship...