Hi. I'm new to the boards, having started to read other posts about a week ago. I'm 41, married to my wife for 15 years and have two children, ages 7 and 11. Like many posts I have read, I have always known that I am gay, but have spent my life denying and avoiding the issue. For reasons I do not fully understand, I no longer seem to be able to deny who I am and my urge to be with a man. The need to come out and live as a gay man has been intensifying over the last 6 months to the point that I came out to my therapist of 7 years 2 weeks ago. My therapist was understanding and supportive, but direct in stating that I need to come out to my wife and acknowledge my homosexuality in order to fine the inner peace and self- acceptance I have never yet experienced. While I believe she is right from a mental health perspective, I can't imagine coming out to my wife and risking losing my children in a contentious divorce. A bit of background-I have been attracted sexually to men since my earliest recollections, probably in middle school. I've never been physically attracted to a woman other than my wife. We met in college and she was the first person I ever kissed. We were married and had a decent sex life until my daughter was born 7 years ago. We've not had sex, kissed or touched in an intimate way since then. It is kind of amazing what you can get used to as normal when there don't seem to be other options. The great shame of my life is that I had an affair with another married man in 2009. My wife discovered the affair, confronted me, and while I acknowledged the affair, I denied being gay, acknowledging only the possibility of bisexuality. We never spoke of the affair or my sexuality again. So, here I am today, emotionally and physically Ill from the lies and deceit, the hiding from who I really am, and the fear of losing my children for good if I come out and the discussion of divorce emerges. My wife lives here because of me - her family is out west and I think if I come out, she will take the kids and move back home. I can't face that outcome. At the same time, the urge for the sexual and emotional connection with another man is not something I think I can avoid long term. I don't want to be the guy who stays married and screws around with other men behind my wife's back. I did that and don't think I can ever forgive myself for it. And, currently, I am back with my therapist because the depression, anxiety and suicidal ideation that has plagued throughout my adult life is back in full force. I feel trapped and afraid of hurting people who should never have been exposed to this situation in the first place. I know many say it gets better after you come out. I am wondering about those with children-did you lose contact with your kids because of the divorce? Are you still close to your kids? So many thoughts and fears, but I think I will leave it there for tonight.:icon_sad: Thanks for reading.
You are definitely not aloe. My situation is very similar and I have not come out to my wife. My family situation is good and ident want to ruin it, even though I am not totally honest about who and what I am. I feel like I am fighting between the commitment I made to my wife and family and being open and honest. I don't have the answer but I do know that there area ton of men in your exact same situation. I also know that he urge and drive for men will never go away. We are wired that way and you can't help it no mater how hard you try or how much you want it to disappear. You know what turns you on and what dosen't. For me, I wish I had figured it out sooner, but I didn't, so you can only look forward and decide accordingly. It won't be easy and it will be consequential. I actually feel lucky for those who discover themselves early and go through he difficulty of coming out to everyone and living openly and honestly.
I'm so sorry. (*hug*) This is difficult. I know. I can't say for sure, but there are two things you can do. 1. Don't come out to your wife. In your situation, I would do this. I know you want to be with a man, but you can't do that without permanently messing up your kids. 2. Come out. There is a very small chance your wife will be OK with it. Very small. Otherwise, like I said, you will be metaphorically maiming your kids.
Hi Griffin. I just joined the boards here and am going through a similar situation. This group has been a wonderful resource: How to Join the List | Husbands Out to Their Wives Good luck (we all need it). -AD
Um - no. He wouldn't be 'maiming' his kids, and to suggest otherwise is a little irresponsible - especially given this member's state of mind. Hi there, and welcome to EC. You've come to the right place. 6 years ago I was (almost) EXACTLY where you are right now. Married with 2 kids, having cheated on my wife with another man (several I'm ashamed to say) and so depressed and full of self loathing that I could barely live with myself. (Differences - I hadn't been aware of my same sex attraction growing up, and hadn't really considered my orientation before getting marred. Also, my wife and I had a satisfying sex life. I don't think she had any indications - until close to the end anyway - that I was anything other than straight.) Things CAN work out after you come out. You don't know how accepting and supportive your wife might be. You don't know how resilient your kids will be - or how accepting. What you probably do know is that in your current state you're not much good to anyone. Not to your wife. Not to your kids. Not to your friends and family. Not to your employer. At least that was the case for me. I was no good to anyone - and unless I did something to fix myself I probably wasn't going to survive. When I look back on those two alternatives for me, I think coming out was almost guaranteed to have a better outcome than not. I was so miserable that I couldn't continue along that path. My wife was going to leave me anyway - I'm sure - because I was so withdrawn and miserable. In the end, I can say for a fact that things have turned out better by coming out. So much better that I couldn't have dreamt in a million year that things would turn out as well as they have. My wife - while shocked and angry and disappointed at first - became my biggest supporter and ally. I eventually came out to my kids as well - but only a couple of years after we separated, because even then they were only 6 and 9. I met a wonderful guy who became my husband last summer. And my ex wife also remarried. We attended her wedding, and they attended ours. Your wife's reaction to all this will be a big factor. But there isn't much you can do about that. It's HER reaction. You can handle the situation as delicately as possible - counselling and talking through the possibilities certainly helps. Her reaction will colour how the kids react as well I'm afraid - although not entirely. My husband has a different relationship with his ex (i.e. not good at all) and yet his kids seem to have adjusted. She moved about 500km away, but only after they agreed on visitation schedules that my husband could accept. Things certainly can work out. And again, the alternative practically guarantees more years of misery. Good luck - and again - welcome! Don't hesitate to write back here or reach out to me one on one.
Hi BwHopper Thanks for the response. I think you hit part of my issue-hoping that the urge to be with other men will somehow disappear. Instead, it only seems to be intensifying. And when I act on it, the guilt and self-loathing push me further into the closet than before. I have found the posts helpful. I don't know what I will do about my wife and the family situation. You said you've not come out to to your wife. Are you planning to at some point or have you decided to remain in your marriage? I fear so much the possibility of losing contact with my kids. Thanks for your response and support. ---------- Post added 23rd Oct 2012 at 09:56 PM ---------- Hi Jim Thanks for contacting me. I was hoping you'd respond as your advice to others has been very helpful to me. You are correct in that I am not much good to my wife in my current state of denial. And probably not to anyone else, for that matter. As I am sure you know, it is the fear of the unknown that paralyzes me. And, since my encounters with other men are ultimately unsatisfying, what if I find that to be the case when I come out and then have harmed my kids in the process. I believe you when you say it got better for you. And the photo of you and Gino shows a happiness that can't be denied. It's just fear, sadness and confusion holding me back. For a few days, I was bent on telling my wife and accepting consequences-whatever they may be. Now, I find myself retreating back toward the closet. Did you have this kind of back and forth debate with yourself before you finally came out? Sorry for all the questions, but there is literally no one else I can talk to about this right now, aside from my once a week therapy appt. Thanks. J
Griffin - more than a few men (and women ) on EC whose stories are parallel to yours. Seem to be 2 ways in moving forward - total honesty with wife now or begin building a support network, formulate an exit strategy, and handle things as best as you can til then. I'm in the latter camp. I'm coming out to my best friends now, an part of 2 LGBT coming out groups, attend a gay Dads group too. I do know that I'll need all that support when I end things with me female partner. And no, for me staying together is not an option ( though for a number of gay married men it is ) In just a few months I've made some real friends, through this site, too. Keep posting. We're all here for eachother (Griffen-- you a Saab driver?)
Hey bud, sorry for your situation. I've found this is a pretty positive place to open up. I am not married, but I am currently in a 2 year relationship with a girl and we live as man and wife. I know its a short relationship compared to yours, and I am 23 years old. Basically, when I read your post and posts like yours I become filled with fear. I am afraid that I am reading my future. I know I have an urge to do sexual things with men. I suppose I thought it would go away, that I was straight and it was nothing to worry about. I love my girl, I love our little life together, our little bungalow we live in, our cat, the sweet plans we have made, but I'm starting to believe I don't deserve any of this. I've never fallen for a man in real life, I have only had hook ups with older married men seeking young, masc, super confused and emotionally wrecked young guys. I wish you all the luck in the world man, and i truly believe that the results are always perfect. Stuff just tends to work out, and we keep on truckin'. I have no doubt that you will overcome your obstacle, there is no other choice. For either one of us, the alternative is to just lay down and die. I think we can do better than that. Thanks for your post, good luck bud.
Hi Griffin. You are courageous to be doing this .. I am posting below a reply I gave to someone on one of my threads because it is near identical and might help.... "I have said elsewhere on this site about a married gay friend of mine, with children, who came out and I am going to repeat it here: - He faced the exact same pressures (wife and three kids) - In his case Catholic upbringing was a contributory factor - history of depression and anxiety - eventually separated from his wife but has maintained a very strong and close relationship/friendship with her. - Now, he has much more open and rewarding relationship with his wife AND kids - He is being himself and feels so free So he has not lost through the process of coming out late - he has gained so much more I am not saying it did not have some rocky moments for him, the wife and children, but ultimately all have been winners. I wish you could imagine this scenario/outcome as it might encourage you more I bet your kids are old enough/ savvy enough to deal with it well? I do hope it goes well.. and remember you can make great use this site every step of the way..."
Hi Griffon, My story mimics yours to the letter only I have never cheated on my wife and I realize making a mistake, even as large a mistake as marriage and kids does not demand self loathing. We are all human, we all make mistakes. Forgive yourself first then address the mistake. I have 21 years in now and two 18&20 young adult children. I have begun the process and I am now out to my siblings. Still unsure how I will break it to my wife; 1) direct truth, 2) divorce and eventual reveal. I love my wife and have to do what is best for her. I know and understand your waffling. But when my sister suggested sticking with it the idea reviled me. I cannot do it anymore. I don't see myself in a thong in the gay pride parade, but simply want to seek my own happiness that is out there somewhere. That is the scariest part... In doing this there is no guarantee I will find happiness simply a CHANCE to find it. You need to rely on that hope. Stuck
Amen to that last sentence brother! ---------- Post added 12th Feb 2013 at 02:33 PM ---------- Love your response!
Hi Guys. Thanks to all for the supportive responses. I really do appreciate hearing from all of you. I've found this site to be a huge support, even though I don't often post anything. I read others' posts most every day, however. Reading back over my initial post, I guess things have evolved a bit over the last few months, but nothing particularly dramatic. I feel far less desperate and depressed than I did when I wrote the initial post in October. However, there's still a sadness that lingers. I have not come out to my wife, and I am not really sure that I will. I can't get past the idea that the collateral damage that will come from my admission will take a toll on my kids that is unfair and unnecessary. Whatever I may want or need is secondary to their needs. So for now, it is kind of status quo. I am not sure what the future may hold, but I am trying to focus more on my family and less on myself. I doubt that this is a sustainable long term plan, but it is the direction I am headed for now. Again, thanks to all for your support. If you're struggling with the same or similar issue, feel free to reach out - writing and reading helps a lot. Jason
In kind of similar. Are you sure you are not bi and just sexually bored with your wife. I'm not trying to give you a pass , I'm just very curious.
I have lived with that "status quo" in my currently dying marriage for the past 3-4 years; I assure you that you are living on top of a geyser that will inevitably erupt. The relative quiet you are currently living with is just the interval of pressure slowly building underneath. It is my wife that is fed up and initiating divorce proceedings, and I am thankful for it, because I also would have stayed miserable for the sake of the kids. But I can tell you with perfect assurance that your misery will affect your kids, it is inevitable, the little critters, of which I have three (two boys 16 and 10 and a 13 y.o daughter), are walking mirrors, and they will show you in precise detail just how you are affecting them. Remember, you are responsible for your kids, not to them, your happiness is crucial too, because if you are not happy, no one else will be either. Because I am getting a divorce, I was forced to confront my next move, and I have decided for once to be completely honest and face the fact that I am gay. What is important is that I had to come out to myself first before everything else could become clearer...that is a crucial step! Of course, your clandestine relationships with other men are unsatisfying, how could they not be, you probably never have the time to really develop something out of it (I know of what you speak and I am speaking in the present tense). Continuing clandestine relationships also slowly poisons your opinions of the men you are meeting, and may give you a skewed idea of what is "out" there should you ever take the leap, and let's not talk about the increased risks that come with multiple casual partners (those that you are probably quite aware of). Your wife knows more about your "other side" than mine, so coming out to her should not be a complete surprise, I am surprised she is still willing to stay in the marriage...I know, I know, losing regular contact with the kids seems intolerable, but what is the alternative? You may be perhaps focusing and perhaps, just maybe, exagerating the potential loss, and not seeing the potential gains that come from living with integrity, which simply means some basic coherence between your inner and outer selves. Until I truly believed myself to be gay, I could not see the potential gains, my mind would not permit it! It can't be easy to contemplate acting on this, I truly sympathize, but I can tell you that I regret not doing this 10 years ago when it was obvious even then that my marriage was terminal; but it would have been easier to leave... I would have spared myself the contempt, the visceral hatred I have to endure pretty much every day now until I can finally leave.
I very strongly suggest you get Joe Kort's excellent book "Ten Smart Things Gay Men can Do to Find Real Love" which has almost nothing to do with finding real love, and everything to do with understanding yourself. There are several chapters that speak to the complex issues of heterosexually married gay men, coming out to wives/family, and put a pretty different spin on the experience. The truth is, the collateral damage is happening right now, because your kids are observing a relationship that is inauthentic and not based on true love, and, like it or not, that makes an imprint, unconsciously, on what they view as a healthy relationship. Furthermore, you owe it to yourself to ask, if your and your wife reversed roles, what you would want? Would you want to have a marriage based on lies, where you believe that your spouse loves you, but really *can't* love you in the way you want and deserve? Would you not want the opportunity to go and find another relationship where you can get the love you deserve? As for your kids... they're resilient and will handle it fine. We've had lots of men here who have been in similar situations and it rarely causes more than a momentary bump in the road for the kids. I think the main issue is fear... but the truth is, once you walk past the fear and into authenticity, everything changes for the good. It doesn't mean there won't be some rough times in the short term, but in nearly every case, it works out well, and both spouses end up better off.
I read this, and was going to respond, but then read this, and it was exactly what I was going to say...
I guess being married and being gay is not so unusual but I think there are nuances to how one should go about coming out or hiding it. Sometimes it just might not be worth no matter how satisfying it might be to do so. Anyway, there's nothing like taking your time on the decision. I try to enjoy the dilemma and not feel so pressured to come out. The wife part is an issue no doubt so make your best judgement.
I'm gay and I came out to my wife last year. And we're making a go of things. My kids were 21 and 23 when my wife outed me to them. They are actually okay with things and I think they see me as a regular human. It's tough to navigate through things. But there are several of us here who are going though this and we are all finding out own paths--there's no one "right" way to do it. Except that you need to be truthful. To yourself. And to her. Hugs and support.
