Hi people, My partner and I had been together for only a year when she asked me to marry her and I said yes. It seemed perfect at the time. She was the first girl I had dated, kissed, slept with, anything (I was 24). We're meant to be getting married in march 2013 (will have been together for just over two years). Looking back this was probably too quick and I'm over sensitive about that so don't need any lectures there. I'm now freaking out that maybe I shouldn't be with her. I don't think I'm really physically attracted to her and I hate having sex and kissing. I figured that I'd probably just always dislike these things because they always sounded kinda gross to me anyway. But now I'm wondering if maybe being with someone else could be better. I'm so scared to cancel or postpone the wedding. Cancelling would mean breaking up I suppose, and postponing would mean that I didn't really want to marry her anyway so why am I still in the relationship. We have talked about it and I've been pretty honest with her, but now it seems that it has all got pushed aside and we are back in wedding planning mode. I'm so terrified to be alone and scared of losing something that is good, we do work well together. But the only way of knowing what else is out there is to break up. And you can't take that back. Other problem is that we were talking about buying a house together. I'm currently living in her place in an area that I hate and feel like nothing is mine. Maybe a new house together would make me feel better about stuff, but thats too big a risk if I'm not sure about her. I feel so guilty to have these feelings. I am scared of breaking up and don't think I can, but continuing like this feels so uncertain. I've been in a really bad patch of depression since June and coming out of it now, so I'm not sure how much that has contributed to this. I'm scared I could never find anyone else who could put up with my mental health rubbish and the fact that I might as well be asexual. I don't know what to do :-( marriage isn't legal in our country anyway so it's just a ceremony, maybe I should just do it. Sometimes I think I want to be with her and so maybe I should just run with that. Sorry I rambled and now its too hard to edit so thanks if you got to the end.
So you've been with her for two years?? That seems quite a while. How long have you felt this way?? Did you have these feelings BEFORE the propose to you?? Do you think it could be cold feet?? What did you think of her before and after proposing? Did you see yourself with her... together before she popped the question?? Physical attraction is not everything. How deep are your feelings towards her'? I think you gotta ask yourself some of these questions. It wouldn't be fair to her to marry her just because. Have you always thought like that ("hate sex and kissing") about intimacy with her?? Maybe it's lesbian death bed... just bad timing. IDK...
Hey thanks for the reply. We've had our ups and downs and mainly it was about sex, because she is into it and I'm not really. I have a lot of anxiety about it and just prefer to avoid it. I have felt this way for about 1-2 months, and previously I always just pictured we'd be together forever. I always pictured getting married. Maybe I shoud stop letting my goals/dreams get in the way of reality. I've alwys thought that sex and kissing sounded gross and I've only ever tried it with her. I was never that comfortable with it although I have enjoyed sex on occasions. I don't know how deep my feelings are, like I'd be lost without her but I think that's just because I am so needy and can't stand being alone. I don't think I really understand the concept of 'being in love'.
I'm sorry that you are feeling like this. I'm young still but what is your gut and your heart telling you? Have you told her how you feel? Maybe switch sex up a bit try new things? Do you love her is the question? Like does she make you happy and you feel complete with her? Like if you lost her you wouldn't feel whole? Because maybe your feeling have changed and you feel more like best friends then partners. I think you need to talk to her about your feelings because holding them in will make you feeling shit. And who knows maybe you could work things out? Maybe it's your anxiety that's confusing you because you feel like if we are married I cant get out of this or your scared because your mind is now questioning weather she is the right person for you. I think a lot of people have this issue when they get married where they question weather this person is really the one for them and the one they want to spend there life with. People's feelings towards each other change over time it's not just you Hun but I think your anxiety has taken over a bit here and because you Have only ever been with her you are scared that you may like someone else more. That's when "YOU" not us need to really think to your self and ask "do I love her no matter what" and are you willing to say that she is the one knowing that you have only ever been with her. If your not ready I think you need to let her know ASAP and maybe don't call it off just yet because she may be hurt by it but postpone it and tell her how you are feeling and say that you are just so confused that its eating away at you and you needed her to know how you feel. I hope maybe I helped a bit here ?
I don't think it's normal to have the kind of strong reservations about the relationship that you do when you get married. I've been married twice - and neither time would I have said that I felt anything near what you're feeling. And the first time I was (apparently) marrying the wrong gender. I still was more positive about it than you seem to be. I don't think it's necessarily the length of time that you've been together. But it might be the point in your life when you met. You're still fairly young. I didn't meet my wife until I was almost 26, and we were married with I was 27 and a half - just 17 months after our first date. We were engaged in 9 and married after another 8. And that lasted for 9 years - fairly happily for the most part. Then I met my husband not long after I had separated from my wife. And he and I really hit it off and before long I knew I was in love with him. We connected on many levels, and when our relationship became physical, it was great. We were essentially living together after just 6 months or so (although we did maintain our own places because we both had kids, and we took a while to introduce our kids to each other - because we wanted to be sure this was the read thing, and I actually wasn't out to my kids at first). When he and I got married in August of 2011, there was absolutely no doubt in my mind. I had no reservations at all. Ideally, that's the way it should be. I'm not sure what the best path is for you. Perhaps you need more time. Perhaps you haven't found your life partner yet. Perhaps it is just nerves. Only you will know for sure. Have you considered counselling - either alone or as a couple - to talk about all this?
Are you asexual?? Or Gray-A?? (I know I am.) General FAQ | Asexual Visibility and Education Network Hmm... If you're not sure about your feelings towards her, well... I think it says a lot. Like... many people have cold feet about getting married... but not about the person who they're marrying. ---------- Post added 23rd Oct 2012 at 06:53 PM ---------- Oh, yeah... And Jim1454 makes a great point. Go to a therapist. Counseling is always good.
Hey all thanks for the comments it has given me lots to think about. I've always thought maybe I could be asexual but I think maybe it's more just that sex scares me. See today I feel different about the relationship. I feel like we should be together and that I'm just freaking out about the wedding/commitment. I think my main issues is that I have only ever been with her and so I have nothin to compare to and know if its right or not. I've been changing my mind every two seconds and it kind of relates to my moods so maybe if I get rid if the mood problem the relationship will be fine again. I'm seeing a psychologist and she has just started to see one too but we haven't done it together. It's something to think about.
I agree with The Queen Bee. She's right, it's not just about having cold feet. Perhaps, you should write down all the reasons why you love her and wanna marry her. Then write a list of all the reasons why you don't want to. I think it can be helpful for you to sort your feelings out.
I honestly completely understand! Although I am not really questioning my sexuality & I don't have a problem kissing or making love to my parter, I too am supposed to be getting married, but my Ceremony is set for 12/12/12 (NEXT MONTH)! My dress has already been purchased & so has other things. A few weeks ago I was talking to my bestie, I told her that I had no doubts & that I wanted to marry my man but.... Today I'm just not so sure anymore I just keep thinking about everything going wrong with the Wedding, it not turning out the way I want &.... well.... is this what I REALLY want, I don't know if I wanna do this, do I wanna be with him forever???.... I too am scared, so very scared :icon_eek: I kinda wanna call it all off but... He's got family coming in from Arizona & Ohio, they've already purchased their tickets. Why is it that I'm so terrified all of a sudden??? The closer it gets, the more my stomach turns :icon_sad:
Just my two cents--I watched my now-girlfriend try to untangle herself from a ten year domestic partnership. My girlfriend wasn't sure she wanted to do it, but was pressured into it by the other woman, and went along due to apathy, not wanting to fight, not seeing a better option...they also owned a house together. Even without the true "marriage" deal, it was a legal and financial nightmare. Please be very sure of what you want before you get yourself legally and financially entangled with someone. With anyone. If all you are contemplating is a ceremony with no paperworked signed....it's just an emotional choice you'll have to make. But once that person can get mad at you, and impact your finances, your job, your credit, your health care/insurance etc....woah. Whole other can of worms if it goes sour. Best wishes.
