Married, gay and the therapist

Fundamentally, I'm in agreement that you do need to come out to your family. She's right, you'll be miserable if you hold it in your whole life.

But it sounds like she's telling you that you have to do it now, and that I don't agree with.

One way to look at it: If your roles were reversed, would you want your wife, who can't love you in the way you want, because she's a lesbian, holding that inside, keeping it from you, and all the while you're going along thinking you have this great marriage, when in reality, you don't?

If she waited a year, 5 years, 10 years and then eventually told you, wouldn't you feel even more betrayed, because you could at least have had the opportunity to make a decision together about what to do?

The point is, when you get married, you make a joint decision to live your lives together, and part of that is being authentic with each other, because without authenticity, there really isn't anything to the relationship at all.

Now... as for your kids... first, kids are remarkably resilient and, as long as Mom and Dad are civil about things, they'll take it all in stride, and be fine. But if you stay in the relationship, they'll see, unconsciously, that the relationship between you and your wife isn't healthy and normal, and a lot of what kids learn about relationships is imprinted on them by watching their parents relationship. So the lack of love, even if you're doing your best to cover it up, is going to imprint on them, which isn't going to send them a healthy picture of what a relationship should look like. Additionally, when they do eventually find out, they, too, will feel betrayed, and that will also, unconsciously, send the message that authenticity in relationships isn't important.

On the other hand, if you do come out, and you and your wife both go your separate ways and develop new, healthier relationships... then your kids will have two chances to see healthy relationships at work, they'll learn about the value of integrity and authenticity, how people handle difficult situations... and all of this will make a significant impact in helping them see healthy behaviors, and translate that to what they take to their own relationships.

 

Sorry, I agree that was a bit ambiguous.

I guess what I'm really thinking is that, based on what the OP said, I think the therapist is probably being a little bit too proactive and doing a bit of arm-twisting, and if he isn't quite ready to come out, forcing the issue probably won't be a good idea.

But on the other hand, there are compelling reasons for doing it sooner rather than later. "Sooner" means, to me, within the next 3 or 4 months, or even sooner than that if the OP gets himself to a place where he feels OK doing that. In part, the longer he's resolute that he's gay, the more uncomfortable he will be with himself, and if he cares about his wife and family, the more uncomfortable he will be withholding that from them. I think that was the point the therapist was probably trying to make, in addition to the other ones I made.