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Please advise - trying to help my brother who I suspect is married & Gay

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by mybrothersister, Nov 12, 2012.

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  1. mybrothersister

    mybrothersister
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    Hi there,

    I am brand new to this board, and very apprehensive about sharing my concerns, but I love my brother more than anything and truly hope someone out there will be able to provide some perspective.

    I am 36 years old, and my brother is 45. I believe he is gay, and always has been. Our parents are very conservative/religious, and we grew up in a small town in Texas during a time where he would not have been accepted in any way as a gay teen/ gay man. He was adopted at birth, I have one other adopted brother who is near him in age, and then there's me - I'm the little sister of the family, and I'm my parents only genetic child. I only mention this because both of my brothers have had issues with being adopted, and I think it may be an important piece in this puzzle I'm trying to put together.

    My brother, the one I suspect is gay, has been married for 17 years. He has a 16 year old daughter. His wife, by all accounts, is extremely bossy/domineering and controls all areas of his life. He was 22 when he was married. He had one other girlfriend before that, for about a year in high school, but that's it. He has never dated anyone else.

    He is currently being hospitalized for his 3rd adult suicide attempt. He has been diagnosed with severe anorexia and anxiety. His first two attempts occurred around age 18/19 and he was hospitalized on and off for a couple of years. We all thought he was "better" but he has currently made another attempt, and everyone, even his therapist, is having trouble with an accurate diagnosis.

    This is why I think he's gay: I've always just had a "feeling" about him - we spent a lot of time together when I was a young child, and he was very gentle and effeminate. He does not have an aggressive or "tough" bone in his body. He is extremely kind, patient, musical, "quirky", and was always somewhat into "girl" things. He enjoyed doing things like coloring/highlighting his hair as a teen, and always had girls as friends, never any guys. I remember my mother once caught him wearing make-up (just eyeliner) and she had a total fit. He was trying to be like Duran Duran (that's what he told her at least) and she sort of dismissed it. He was always just much more into watching girly movies and that type of thing, and he is very into his daughter's dance classes, and participates quite a bit in all of her teenage drama/gossip/etc.

    She also expressed extreme relief when he got married because it meant "he wasn't gay" and that made both my parents very happy. I firmly believe he has been trying to fit in with my parents version of the "right kind" of son, and I believe he never felt safe being who he was in our community. I believe he has either been repressing something or hiding something all these years.

    The reason I'm writing is for any insight from anyone about my concerns. I love my brother tremendously, and am completely accepting of the gay lifestyle (one of my best friends is gay) but I don't know if he will ever feel safe enough to be who he is. I feel that any suppression of his sexual orientation he may have been experiencing could have led to self-hate and possibly his mental problems.

    I may also be totally wrong in speculating, and if so, any thoughts are also welcome on that subject. However, if anyone on this board has any suggestions as to how I could help him, please let me know. There is a huge part of me that wants to just ask him, while reassuring him that I totally love and accept him, but I'm afraid that will send him into some sort of mental distress - especially at this point of his life.

    I want him to be happy, to be who he is, and to craft a life that he can enjoy and be proud of. However, I don't want to push anything.

    Once again, any thoughts are so appreciated. I have been scouring these posts for days now trying to find some answers or insight.

    You all are a terrific, terrific group of individuals! Thank you so much for creating this type of board for gay people and for the family members who love them dearly.
     
    #1 mybrothersister, Nov 12, 2012
  2. Farouche

    Farouche
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    It's almost impossible to tell whether a guy is secretly gay, secretly trans, or straight and just not "masculine" in the popular sense of the word. That is, unless he tells you explicitly.

    If his wife is really bossy, maybe his problem is with the one-sided relationship. Gay, straight, or otherwise, a relationship with an imbalance of power is generally not healthy.
     
    #2 Farouche, Nov 12, 2012
  3. Jim1454

    Jim1454
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    Hi there, and welcome to EC.

    We always say that the only person who can tell you if a certain person is gay is that person themselves. Nobody but them knows - and even they might not know.

    All you can do is assure him that you're there for him, and no matter what it is that is bothering him, he can tell you and you'll still love him and support him.

    You might also tell him that no matter what issues he thinks he is facing, nothing is insurmountable. There is no problem or situation that can't be overcome.

    I agree that broaching the subject directly might be too dangerous. If he's still not ready to deal with it himself you might put too much stress or pressure on him that he can't handle. Because otherwise there are lots of examples - me included - where men came to terms with their orientation after being married for a number of years and they've made the changes they needed to in order to live a full and authentic life.

    Just be there for him. Maybe he's not ready. He might never be ready.
     
    #3 Jim1454, Nov 12, 2012
  4. Lewnatic

    Lewnatic
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    I think Jim nailed it. Only he can tell you, so what you need to do and what you should do is just reassure and be there for him. Tell him you love him no matter what, and will always be there for him. Remind him of all the good he has in his life - you, a sister who cared enough to join these boards and share with us something very personal. Bravo to you, you are a blessing to your brother and I have no doubt that if you stand by him, he'll see through it all.
     
    #4 Lewnatic, Nov 12, 2012
  5. Cloudbreaker

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    I agree that you shouldn't ask him directly if he is gay, or even insinuate that you think he might be. That could send a person into panic mode. However, just because you don't ask him if he is gay doesn't mean you can't let him know that you would love him just as much if he was gay. The hardest part about coming out to people is not knowing how they will react. I think that if I had known that my family would be accepting (instead of having to guess) then it probably wouldn't have taken me nearly as long to come to terms with my own sexuality.

    So maybe the next time you see your brother you could say something along the lines of, "I know you are going through some problems right now, and I just want to let you know that weather your problems are as serious as being in debt to the mob or a horrible drug addiction, or as mild as being secretly gay or having trouble with a coworker, I'm there for you. I'm always here to talk to and will love you no matter what." If he takes offense to you mentioning any possibility that he might be gay and insists that he is 100% straight (which he might be) then inform him that that is fine, but still insist that you would still love him even if he wasn't.

    I wish you the best of luck on helping your brother sort things through.
     
    #5 Cloudbreaker, Nov 12, 2012
  6. The Escapist

    The Escapist
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    Those things sound more trans-leaning than gay, as you aren't gay by other things you like. Like said, only your brother could tell you that and he's lucky to have such an accepting sister. I'm sure you're lucky too. I hope he finds peace and acceptance in this world. <3

    You know even posting accepting things on Facebook would have made me feel a ton better, as guessing is inaccurate and risky. If someone posts an affirming picture that shows acceptance, it can just make your day. Especially since you aren't on the spot and can think about it. It just makes you happy.
    Just some thoughts, but when my family doesn't say anything or show any signs of acceptance then I feel it's not safe. But when my niece posted a rainbow on her hand for "Anti-Homophobia Day," that was nice. And when my aunt posted a picture of support for "marriage God's way," one man and one woman, well that showed I couldn't trust her. Otherwise she doesn't say much, so it's hard to tell unless someone speaks up.
     
    #6 The Escapist, Nov 12, 2012
  7. Chip

    Chip
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    Stereotypes are there for a reason: they have basis in fact. So I think when you add up the various pieces, it's very likely that he is gay. (I disagree about it being trans-leaning.) But as Jim said, it's really difficult because he's probably terrified to talk about it.

    What you might do is try dropping a bunch of obvious hints that you'd be OK with him being gay (talking about friends of yours who are gay, or talking about how hard it was for some friend of yours to come out, and you were so glad when they did, or something like that.)

    The only other suggestion I might make -- and this is on the invasive side -- is, if he has a psychotherapist, you could have a one-way conversation (the psychotherapist will say nothing, and may not even acknowledge having him as a client, as that's what they're obligated to do) and preface it with "I know you can't respond, share any concerns, or say anything, but I wanted you to be aware of this in case you're not." That way, the therapist knows for sure that he has a family member who would be supportive, which might be helpful in giving him or her an opening to bring it up.

    Other than that, as Jim says, it may be really difficult, particularly given that he's been suicidal and repeatedly attempted.
     
    #7 Chip, Nov 12, 2012
  8. mybrothersister

    mybrothersister
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    I cannot begin to thank you all enough for your kind responses and sound advice. You are all so correct - and I have decided not to outright ask him whether or not he is gay. I will be spending some time with him this week (we live in different states) and I will make sure that he knows I am completely open and totally accept him. I know of two instances off hand (a mutual friend of ours who recently came out, and I can bring up the recent election in order to discuss social issues with him) which will be perfect segue's into letting him know I accept him no matter what.

    However, as my husband reminded me, if he is gay, it is his right to tell me whenever he decides. I'm wanting to push because I believe it could be the reason he is having other struggles, and as his sister it is just killing me that I can't figure out how to help him, but you all are so correct in that I need to let him tell me and just let him know I love him regardless.

    The rest of my family, although strongly rooted in their beliefs, will eventually come around. I know my parents and other brother would love him no matter what, it would just take them a while to wrap their heads around it.

    Once again - from the bottom of my heart - thank you all so very much for your thoughtful replies. I can't begin to tell you how much I appreciate your insight. I will try to follow up if anything significant develops. You all are just awesome.
     
    #8 mybrothersister, Nov 12, 2012
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