Middle Aged Married And Gay

I would seriously recommend that you speak to a mental health professional who can guide you to a happier and healthier place for whatever lifestyle you decide to live, and keep in mind that nothing you tell them will ever be repeated. I know that sometimes life is complicated and difficult, so I wish you luck in finding balance.

 

Hi Jim, and welcome to EC! (from another Jim!)

I too was married, and my story was similar to yours. I didn't consciously know or acknowledge that I was gay, but there were certaily signs that I ignored. I also kept it all to myself until I was in my mid 30s. And the urges came on so strong that I couldn't resist either. But that part of my life quickly got out of control. Sex became an addiction - my coping mechanism for all of the internal stress and conflict that I was bottling up inside. Except the acting out with other men caused such guilt that I would quickly do it again to escape the pain. A viscious cycle that just about killed me.

We also had children. I couldn't see myself ever leaving. But a lot of that wasn't about my wife not being able to cope. It was more about ME not wanting to face this reality. It was easier to keep the facade alive and not deal with what was really going on with me.

So what is it really? You might want to think about it. What's really keeping you in the relationship?

I'd also strongly recommend that you seek professional counselling. Having someone to talk to about this will be incredibly helpful. They'll be able to get to know you better than we ever could, and they'll be better at helping you arrive at the right decisions for you and your family.

What I will say, and this is what Chip would normally say, is that it really isn't fair for you to be making ALL of the decisions here. If your wife knew the whole story, who's to say that she wouldn't want you to leave?!? But taking this approach, she doesn't get a say. She's lead to believe that you love her and you're being faithful to her and that you really want to be with her - when you don't and you aren't.

It already sounds like your relationship isn't ideal. It isn't likely to get any better as time goes on.

I'm not suggesting that you need to do something today. But you might want to remain open to the possibility that some day you will come out to her - as opposed to saying never.

You've come to the right place though. Keep on writing and reading about other stories. What you'll find is that 9 times out of 10, the ending is happier than the person ever thought it would be. Mine certainly went that way. My (ex) wife and I remain good friends, my relationship with my kids never missed a beat, she is remarried and so am I - to a wonderful man who makes me happier than I have ever been before in my life. I'm in recovery from my addiction and I'm able to help others here who are struggling with the same issues that I struggled with 6 years ago.

I'd have never been able to tell you 6 years ago how things were going to work out. So don't make decisions now that might not make sense later. Never say never.

 

Jim67 you are not alone. I'm 50 and you pretty much wrote my story. For a long time I had thoughts and then I noticed that when I watched porn I was more interested ending then process. What I can tell you is, I was getting to the point where I was not happy at all with feelings of depression coming on. I know my situation with my wife is different than yours, but I feel better and better each time we talk about it.

On thing I might suggest is find someone, professional or friend and tell them. I think you will feel some of the stress you are feeling start to go away.

Hope it all works out for you.

 

anytime, everyone has a different path to travel, so its never cookie cutter with instructions, I'm sure that eventually you'll come to a point that leaves you feeling more secure and happy with wherever life takes you, and you've already taken that first big step by talking about it

 

Welcome Jim, to the EC.

I understand part of what your going through as I am recently separated from my wife and grandson, both who have medical problems.
My wife has Fibromyalgia, Bi Polar, Severe Anxiety and Depression. :icon_sad:
While my grandson is Autistic and AD-HD. :icon_sad:
I came out to her in September of this year, and I am now living on my own.
Her middle oldest daughter and our neighbor have both stepped up to help her on bad days, and she is doing better than expected on her own.
She never thought she could, but I know she is very strong.:icon_bigg

So if you need to talk or anything, you can hit me up on my wall if you like.(*hug*)

I hope your able to find a good therapist to talk to, as that helps a lot.

 

Welcome to EC, Jim67!

The only thing I can add to the wonderful advice you've already received is that I'm another person who was in your shoes. I was married for 35 years and have 3 adult children. I finally came out last winter to my now-ex wife. In January she helped me tell our kids, family, and friends. We divorced in February and are both finding our ways in our new worlds. Yes, it's been terribly difficult sometimes. Definitely a roller coaster!

I've found that the people who really loved me still do. My ex is stronger than she's ever been and now knows that much of the self doubt she experienced over the years had little to do with her and much to do with my lack of total involvement in the marriage. Now she's finding new confidence as she reenters the dating world at age 55. Now she's finding that she's very attractive to men who can really be there for her in every way. For many years she wondered why the attraction wasn't what she thought it should be and blamed herself for not being woman enough. WRONG!

So even though it's been hard for both of us and our children are still adjusting to their new realities, we're both able to finally be who we were born to be. Ultimately my "not wanting to rip everyone's world apart" was me being selfish and not wanting to deal with the ramifications of being "found out." I felt a lot of shame for hiding and cheating for many years. Now I'm letting that go and my ex is just fine! But it takes time.

We're still working on what our future relationship will be. Sometimes we're great. Sometimes not. We know we want to remain compatable, if not friends. We hope to be able to have holidays with our children together and are working to make those postive experiences.

I encourage you to read my posts and threads. In them, you'll find the names of many others on EC who are at various places along the same road as you.

Best of luck! I hope EC can help you get where you need to go.

55

 

Hi, I'm on the other side, a woman who is bi but needs to be living a lesbian lifestyle, was out, but left husband due to major secrets on his side. Long story. Anyway, I relate to a lot of what you're going through, and can also speak to some aspects of what a woman would feel and how the divorce works vs. friendship. LOTS of people in your situation, both men and women. I hope you will keep posting to work through this.

What people are saying is right. This will destroy you and your health - the drinking and sex-addictive tendencies are not helping either. Also, you have no idea what she is feeling. It is possible that the parts of your marriage that do not line up are contributing to her health issues through stress and self doubt that do not need to be there. It is also really not fair to her to go through life with a partner who does not desire her, she could do better than that - AND keep your friendship. Also, you can take care of her financially divorced as well as you do married. It's not fair to waste any more years for either of you, you both could be moving on instead of squandering precious moments.

She may suspect. But maybe it is the other way - maybe she has no idea, and what if she were to come across evidence and you lose the chance to be in control of how she finds out? I have heard many a story like that, it is seriously bad. Sometimes they get violent, or out you to the whole community. Not good.

Best to tell a therapist, and have her come in when you are ready to discuss it in counseling with supervision. Have a plan. Also, personal preference here, but consider not sharing that you have had affairs. One, you have put her health at risk, and her heart, and that is wrong. Two, it really is not going to help her knowing that. Even if she demands to know if you have acted on it, or how you can know for sure, you can say I just know the same way you know you are straight, and I need time to work this out. Admitting to this stuff might crush her, and will certainly make her angry. Also, you subject yourself to a lot of legal stuff that can affect your custody (if you have a minor?) and your spousal support if you must pay that. If it is over and there is no serious person now, better to keep it together and not make this worse, and I personally think not tell her and make her feel worse. But you know yourself to know if this is right, and a therapist can help you make that decision. Just be absolutely sure if there is any reason for her to get tested or anything else that might affect her now that she doesn't know about.

You have a good chance, if this is done the right way, that it will be messy but eventually you may be friends again. You might even decide to stay married but I wouldn't recommend it - at least not in the traditional sense. You will need to be emotionally vulnerable (but dignified - no need to destroy yourself) to address all her feelings and help her resolve how you can love her and do this. It is because you realized a mistake and you love her so much you don't want to keep making it now that you know better and have a shot at helping both of you be healthier. You want to be your best, and know that she deserves to be with someone who is fully into her, and you can only do that being honest.

There are books out there about this - I only know the ones about women, though, sorry. There is also something called the Straight Partner Alliance, I think - a support group for the straight side of this story. There are people who separate or divorce but continue to live together and co-parent - I have a friend doing that. Lots of different scenarios are possible, and she needs to know that people have been through this before and survived, and nearly all of them (on both sides) say in the end that they are better off than they were in the marriage in denial or in oblivion. It is a healthy choice to come out. It does not mean your whole marriage was a lie - in fact, from what you wrote this sounds very much like a real marriage to me, you love her and don't want to hurt her even if you have to suffer. That is love, even if you have gone about it the wrong way. Your child will have some trouble too, but no matter what age will take cues from the parents. And again, family therapy helps there.

You want to lower the catastrophe level of this. You need to have your own life and mind under control to do so. You need help to prepare. You will also need to think out things like who to tell, who not to tell, and how you will control what happens if an enraged adult takes that secret out the door with her. It is a lot to handle, but consider how you might protect yourself at work, in the community, and with her and your family and friends. No one needs to know but you two, for a long while. But you two need guidance and she will need to hear from a 3rd party how detrimental that is to herself and everyone to out you to other people out of anger, or to speak ill of you to your kid, etc.

I don't mean to overwhelm you at all, but you have a lot of people here on your side who have been through the same thing. It is really hard, and I think you are really brave for facing the truth about yourself now and wanting to handle it in a responsible way. I just want to alert you to some of the dangers while there is still time, because sometimes when this is done poorly it breaks out like wildfire really fast and there is no time to think. For instance, are you erasing your history or posting on a safe computer, or might she read these threads or searches you have made? Certainly if she finds online cheating that is going to hurt her. So just try to get some help so you can avoid all that stuff, and post as much as you can to cope with all the feelings. This is hard enough without all the extra mess involved.

And speaking as someone who was lied to for an entire marriage, yeah, finding out was a reason to leave. But it also freed me to have such a better life than I ever had before, and to some extent we have a friendship, as much as that is possible with us being totally different people with different priorities. And I am ill, but actually this ended up being much better for my health, because that marriage was stifling and toxic, and truth does set you free eventually. He helps out with the bills as per our agreement, and I get my life back. And he is happier too. Win win.

 

Hi Jim, yet another late out in life older Jim here. I'm not sure I can add much more than has been said. Lots of good advice. I have been happily married for 23 years. Well not truly happy. I love my wife, she is a wonderful person which is what makes it more difficult. I came out a year and a half ago and now can say the only bad thing I about it is that I should have done it a long time ago. But you can't change history. Your 13 years younger than I am. My wife and I are still together and it is working, but I am still not truly happy. I have several issues that keep me from going further. Like the issues you and your wife are dealing with, my wife was recently diagnosed with a disease. I have this feeling that I would be leaving her in her time of need....which isn't me (I just care too much). The other issue is I am within two years of being able to retire. If we were to split up I would very likely have to continue to work for many more years. I really don't want to do that. This is where you have an advantage, your younger. I wish I would have done it ten years ago, it would have made it a lot easier to make the transition. Yea, I know it's just an excuse...but legitimate one. I'm learning to be vulnerable and that may eventual take me to a better place, but I'm not even close yet.

So all I can suggest is that you do seriously think about talking to you wife. She does deserve to know. My wife had suspicions, yours may also. It will make you feel better, eventually. Life is not always easy, in fact it's mostly difficult. So, good luck in your future. I hope that whatever direction you go allows you to be happy. So, post me anytime, there are lots of older folks that are or have been in much the same situation you are in. Isn't life fun?

 

Hi Jim67, I'm glad what I said contributed - it's my pleasure just to share what I know and try to prevent pain for people. It seems a lot of people here are dealing with ill spouses. Maybe I can help somehow - I am ill myself, and the number of illnesses I have experience with or someone I know does is kind of astounding. I can tell you secrets do not help illness at all, sometimes they cause it.

I believe you really love your wife, and it is great that you accept that she needs your financial support. I don't know if you are in the republic of Ireland vs. the north, but if so, is there any worry the laws might be against you because you are gay in terms of custody? There are states in the US where parents who are angry will use the other parent's gayness in court to try to get full or primary custody away from the other parent. It would be in the best interest of your child to have equal access to both of you, especially since mum is sick. Really important that she doesn't try to use this against you because she is upset.

That is a great thing that you know gay people and have discussed gay issues, and you know she is ok with it. That is a good start. But I personally wouldn't be so sure that she would mention suspicions. I'm not in your marriage, but a lot of times people don't talk about what they are afraid is true. Maybe she was waiting for you to say something. Maybe she was hoping you never would. Maybe she is gay herself and that's why she's ok without the sex. Maybe she had no idea, but noticed a lot of things that bothered her about sexual interaction or other parts of your relationship and couldn't put her finger on it, and this would make her feel so much better because it would all suddenly make sense to her.

Without knowing more details, I would say that if she turns out over time to really be ok with it - if she is permanently disabled and will never want sex again, for instance - you may be able to stay married and in the same house and not even tell anyone if you don't feel like it, but have her permission to see other men. She has to know something is up, any woman knows that a straight guy who is ok without having sex for a long time has an issue somewhere that is not being dealt with - gay, ill, cheating, whatever, there is always a reason. Maybe if you met someone special, she wouldn't mind, and to the extreme there are people who are so ok with it the new partner moves in with the family.

But you need to be really honest with her. If you are gay you are gay, you can't avoid being sexual forever, that is unhealthy and definitely not fair to you. Don't stay in the same house or stay married if she thinks there is a chance it will work out, or if she is going to be hurt or get jealous when you date other guys. Sometimes an open marriage has just too much tension, and it is healthier for everybody to split up and live separate lives. You can also stay married but be separated permanently, some people prefer that because of medical care, custody issues, or a terminally ill spouse. You can do that in the same house or separate houses. Honesty and openness is the most important thing, and be clear about your love for her and desire for her to be healthy and stress-free as much as possible.

That said, you are going through a lot of stress and sacrifice and I hope you will feel free to vent here, because you need an outlet for those feelings that is not booze or online flings. It is not easy living with an ill person, it is not easy being gay in a straight marriage, it is not easy being a parent period. You have a right to feel overwhelmed and hurt sometimes, too. And I believe you that your intentions towards her are admirable, you were not just playing her for a chump, and that is important.

On the illness side, know that if your wife is too ill to leave the house for support the internet has come a very long way for sick people. If she can type, she can join innumerable online support groups in multiple countries (both for her illness and this issue, not to mention for divorce and anything else she might need). If she cannot type, you can help set her up with an online video chat/Skype group, many ill people do this now to discuss their illness with others, to get therapy, to even have doctor's appts., and it is comforting even for those who can't talk much to be a part of a group again and to see or hear others like them.

I don't know what kind of illness you're talking about, though, so perhaps she is not that incapacitated physically. But maybe if you share I will know of resources, or someone else will - like I said, it is kind of insane the number of medical problems I know of some help for. [And same goes for you, other Jim!]

The important thing is for each of you to be able to lean on each other a bit, but also have plenty of other support so you can cope with this without losing your minds. I hope you will keep posting here, this is obviously very common from all the people who have already posted (I think half of whom are named Jim).

 

Sorry, lost this thread. Have plenty to say but no time right now. I'll post again... Stay strong!

 

Hey Jim:

Believe it or not there are many in the same boat as you. I too am in the same kind of situation. have 2 daughters and married for 25 years. I must say it can be quite lonely because you really can't express your true feelings to your wife and it is hard to give up the happy white picket fence life that you built up for yourself and your family.

I have asked a few people who actually gave up their marriage for the gay lifestyle and they said that their life was much better when they were married.

I too have had relationships on the side but never too committed because I have to look after family. Since it is the sex that you like I would suggest to continue to have flings on the side
possibly with other married men in the same situation.

I did remember breaking up with my first relationship it was hard, but you meet others and your forget and just move on. This seems to work for me.

Its just the time to find the right person to have a relationship is what is difficult. To find someone can take a long time and it can be frustrating.

Hope this helps.