I am suffering so much. I am married to a man that I still love, though, not as much or the same as I used to. But, we have a son together, and I have three daughters from a previous marriage. My current husband and I have been married for 5 years. But, last summer, I fell totally and utterly in love with a beautiful, loving woman. I began an affair with her, and I felt so much guilt about it, that I came clean to my husband and I left the marriage. But, I felt such guilt about putting my kids through such turmoil that I went back. I went back to my husband. For awhile, I tried to just be friends with the woman I love. But that didn't work. My husband was jealous and it became to hard to bear for me and for her. So, we cut ties completely. We would occasionally run into each other around town (we live in a very small town), but, other than that, we did not talk or see each other. But I would think about her and miss her every single day. Then, every so often we would communicate via e-mail of Facebook. And, she is very much still in love with me and, I, with her. Then, we would stop talking. This lasted all this summer. And, now, the past few months, we have been talking every day via Facebook or e-mail and have talked on the phone a few times a week. I have even visited her at home a few times while my husband was at work and my kids at school. Just seeing her and spending time with her has made me feel so happy. So happy, but, at the same time, I feel like total shit because I am being dishonest in my marriage...again! I just don't know what to do! I still love my husband because he is a good man and we get along most of the time and I know he loves me. I am no longer physically attracted to him, though. And, I am so in love with this woman! But, what about my kids (and she has a daughter, too)?? Is it far to put them through this? PLEASE HELP!
Oh, my dear. What a terrible situation you are in. I am so sorry you're going through this conflict. It sounds as though your son must be under 5 years old? So, based on the age of your youngest child, another 13 years minimum of child-rearing time needed for him to graduate high school? You didn't say how old your girls were, or how old your lady friend's daughter is? Let me ask you a couple questions-- You and your husband reconciled after the first affair. Did he ever say what he would do if there was a second time? If you did choose to leave him for good, have you discussed how custody of your children would work? Are your daughters old enough to be aware of what happened the first time? Obviously, the welfare of your kids is very important, but your happiness, and that of your husband is also. If he knew the truth about how you feel, would he even want you two to stay together? Or would he want a chance to find someone who could love him wholeheartedly? What does your lady friend think about all this? You say she is in love with you....Does she want you to leave your husband again? Does she want an acknowledged lesbian relationship with you? Does she want to try to co-parent with you? Sorry for all the questions, but without knowing how all these factors mix together it's really hard to know how to suggest options. Basically, your husband (as you describe him) is a decent guy, a good father, and someone who gave your marriage a second chance after infidelity. That being the case, he deserves better than to have his trust betrayed a second time. He deserves to know the truth about what is happening in his life. He deserves to choose what HE wants to do to deal with all of this. You deserve the same thing--the right to choose what you really think is best for you and will make you happiest. It doesn't sound like you are happy about lying and sneaking around, and the guilt and fear of discovery must make daily life pretty hellish for you. Your kids haven't chosen any of this. They deserve a loving, stable home and all the support and care they can get. Kids can survive parents divorcing, and if things at home are bad enough, the divorce can sometimes be an improvement. But you and your husband would have to be able to work together to make sure the kid's needs are met, and that can be really hard when you are in a state of severe conflict with each other. Your lady friend? I don't know.....She may be a wonderful person, but the fact is she was okay with dating a married woman who was cheating on her husband. I do understand being swept away by passion, and it's certainly possible you and she are soulmates, and will find a way to be together forever. I just think the price tag for that is going to be quite high, and you need to think long and hard to make sure it's worth it. Is there any chance you are already talking to a good therapist about all of these issues? Is that something you might consider? Sorry this reply was so lengthy.
First, thank you so much for responding! I need all the help I can get! My son is 4. My daughters are 8, 11, and 14. My lady friend's daughter is also 14. Actually, that's how we met. My daughter and her daughter are friends (or were before all of the stuff happened last summer). After the first affair, my husband said that he would certainly divorce me if it happened again. In fact, he has said a few times that he wonders if he ever should have taken me back. He said this most recently last week when he decided that we were over and that he was leaving. Which, by the way, has nothing to do with me talking to or seeing my lady friend, since he doesn't know anything about that. We talked about child custody and support. He agrees that our son belongs with me and that he would pay child support. At first, I was perfectly fine with the idea of letting him go. Then, I just sort of started to feel panicked about it, and we talked about maybe going to counseling and told each other what things we wanted in order to be happier and agreed to give it a shot, at least through the holidays. My lady-friend has a lot of guilt about everything, as well, and loves me very deeply. She wants me and my children forever. However, she doesn't want me to ever leave my marriage for her. She wants me to leave my marriage if/when I want to b/c it isn't working, not because of her. She always tells me this. As far as seeing a therapist. I did for awhile and thought it helped. But I had a problem with my insurance. I do plan on looking into it again, though. ---------- Post added 6th Dec 2012 at 02:11 PM ---------- I just want to be happy. I am not happy in my marriage right now, but I think that I maybe could be. That is why I am so unwilling to just call it quits. I feel happy when I am talking to my lady friend and think that we would be happy together, but I am scared that things with the kids would be too hard. I am just in such turmoil!!!
OK, that clarifies things a lot, thank you! If you have already determined that you won't lose your little boy, and since the 3 girls are yours legally (did your husband adopt them formally?) you kind of have that covered. Joint custody situations can work fine, I can attest to that. Your girls are old enough to understand, at least in part, the reality of life. You want them to be happy, but you also want to model for them how a strong woman lives her life, how she chooses what will make her happy, even if it's hard at times to get there. You say that you and your husband talked about things that could make you happy--I have to ask if the fact that he is not a woman, and he can never be the woman you are in love with, is a hurdle you can ever see yourself getting past? Be brutally honest here--do you *really* believe you could fall back in love with your husband, and never regret choosing to stay in this marriage? That answer is vital. If you can't answer yes....think about what that means in the long term. Your husband will never have a chance to have the love HE deserves if you two stay together. Neither will you. The only way I can see that you should stay married to him is if you can commit, 100%, to loving him and only him. Please give this some serious thought, imagine 5 years, 10, 15.....time passes so quickly, and if you stay another 10 years then decide you should have left long ago....How much life will be wasted. Please understand I am not trying to urge you in either direction. I just ask you to step away from the panic, and the stress, and search your heart. Pretend this is happening to someone else, and you are trying to advise them. You'll see what I'm trying to say. Your lady friend sounds like a good person. She is coming from the right place in this, letting you know what she wants but leaving the choice up to you and respecting what you decide. True love is rare, and please don't ever think I am judging you or her for what happened. It wasn't ideal, but I totally understand. I shudder to think that I'm about to quote Woody Allen, but the heart wants what the heart wants. Please feel free to keep writing either here, or on my wall if you prefer. I'm happy to talk to you about this more, if it's of any help to you. I really feel for you over this dilemma.
I have to tell you that you are such a blessing to me in this moment and really helping me to put things in perspective...I have a lot to mull over, of course. And will not make any rash decisions. And, your idea about looking at it from an outsider's perspective is a wonderful idea and one I would not have thought of. Also, in looking down the road and really trying to predict what life would be like if I stay (or don't). And, don't worry, I love Woody Allen! Thanks so much! And I will most definitely be talking with you again!
First, I'm so sorry that you're in this situation. Just know that there are a lot of people going through similar struggles and we're all here to support you. Honestly, I think you should really follow your heart. Be with the woman you love, so that you can truly be happy the rest of your life! If you keep living life, pretending to be straight ... you're going to be pretending your whole life. What then is real? Life is short, we don't live forever ... we don't have time to go through life pretending to be someone else. Be yourself! And although it will hurt at first, eventually you'll find true happiness. You'll be an example to your kids, to be brave and to love yourself no matter how you're different. And it doesn't have to start right away, but start somewhere. Make a plan, write down your goals. Who would you come out to first? How would you break the news to your husband? Your kids? Just start somewhere. That's my advice. I'm sending prayers and happy thoughts!
I do understand just wanting to be happy, and not feel like crap all the time, eaten up inside with thoughts and feelings you can't share. There's nothing wrong with deciding to try to repair your marriage. The thing is, (if I understand correctly) if your husband found out you were talking to this lady every day, visiting her, ect....he would feel very betrayed, and that his trust has been violated again. If you are seeing her behind his back, he'll think you have something to hide, even if all you're doing with her is talking. And if you want to try again with him, you can't keep lying to him, period. I'm not necessarily saying confess to him you have been seeing her again, since it sounds like he would take that badly. But you'd need to be sure you can cut off contact with her, and truly stick to it this time. I don't see how you and this lady can just switch to being only friends. It's a choice only you can make. I can't see any way you can keep both of them in your life, no matter how much you might want to. Unless your husband was okay with an open marriage, of course, and that sounds like it's not even up for discussion.
Thank you both for your advice. I am definitely going to do some soul-searching and, hopefully, make a plan for what to do. I do so love this woman. And women in general. I really don't think I could be with a man for the rest of my life without any regrets, even though I love him.
Woman, I'd advise you to see a therapist. This is a heavy burden and you need to sort this through. A good therapist will help you put things into perspective... your marriage seems to be in a very difficult position and you need to figure out what you'll do. Keep in mind that these things pill up... It's just not good for your mental health... In any case it doesn't seem to be fair either for him or you to be cheating on the guy. For the most part I agree with PinkTractor.
Heh! If the Queen Bee agrees with most of what I said, I'm having a really good day!! Yay!! (!) Hello, Queen Bee!! :smilewave Like I said, feel free to drop a note onto my wall if you want to chat more, I wish you all the best of luck.
Queen Bee, yes I think a therapist is definitely in order. Ladies, I am suffering very much tonight...as if the situation wasn't bad enough. My lady friend informed me--after I told her that I am ready to end my marriage (not for her, for me)--that she has been seeing another woman on and off in the year since our affair and that she doesn't know if she is ready (or will be ready once I separate from my husband) to break it off completely with this other woman! She told me over and over today that she loves me and that she knows that I am her true love but that she is scared whether or not we will be able to make things work with our kids, etc. She invited the other woman over to her house tonight to talk about everything. She has told the woman before that she loves me and that she always hoped that we would end up together (even during the time we didn't talk at all). But, I just feel like now she is flip-flopping. It feels like rejection! I have come to the realization that I have to extricate myself from my husband because I can never be truly happy with any man. I want to be with a woman. So, on that point, I am clear. But, what do I do about my lady now?! ARRGH!
Hi Glittergirl! Just found your thread and I feel for you so much. I'm leaving my husband in just under 2 weeks (yep.. four days before Christmas!!!) I have two kids, 19 and 13, but the 19 year old is away at uni most of the time. I have a girlfriend and we are a firm couple, but it is MASSIVELY important to me to stay focused on the fact that I am leaving my marriage because it was not working, NOT because of my relationship with her. One way of putting it, which I've used when trying to get my husband to understand, is that the affair I'm having is a symptom, not the cause, of our relationship breakdown. For SO long (10 years or more) I have been staying to 'do the right thing' by him and the kids.And then *she* came into my life :eusa_danc and awakened something which I then knew I'd never be able to suppress again. Although she uses the F word with me (*Forever!!!*) I have tried to avoid any promises - I've made and broken enough of those already. And I KNOW that, if what we have doesn't work out - and there are no guarantees - an affair isn't the same as real life - I won't regret leaving him. I'm doing it for ME 1. See a therapist. 2. It might be better to do all the leaving your husband and dealing with the end of that relationship without the complication of another relationship. THEN, you and your lady can work out where to go, once you're in a place of peace within yourself. 3. If you decide to leave him, be sure you're doing it FOR YOU!!! It's going to be a long and rocky road. Keep posting, and maybe check out some of my other threads, and others who've posted on yours, to see if our stories have any other things in common. Good luck (*hug*)
WOW-this is an unbelievably difficult situation to be in. Getting a therapist may be a good idea. My parents stayed together "for the kids" and divorced after 30 years-they didn't belong together. I almost think it's harder on kids to wait until they're grown to get divorced. Kids are so resilient, they learn to adapt and since so many people divorce, they will probably have the support of their friends, who have probably been through the same thing. I think that continuing behind your husband's back with your lady is the wrong thing to do. It's a bad example to set for your children-especially your daughters. If you have decided that you are truly supposed to be with women then that is going to be the best thing for you in the longterm instead of staying trapped. If it were me I would not want to remain trapped. Even if you and your lady don't work out, you can work through being comfortable with being a lesbian and coming out and living the life you were meant to live. Your lady may be using this other woman to try to get through dealing with the situation. You never know. I really hope this works out for you.
OMG!! I love you... lol You made me day. lol Got me smiling... lol I agree with this too. My parents' marriage. Geezus... They are the reason why I believe in divorce. I just don't get it, why do they stay together when they know it's not working??? (Neither one of my parents is gay... lol Just cheating issues... among other crap.) Honestly, I wouldn't have been devastated if they would have divorce 10 or 15 years ago... or whatever. My parents haven't divorced and I don't think they will; but I honestly don't see a point in their marriage. If it's for the children... Honestly when younger I think I'd have rather to see my parents happy separate than together and bitter... in a marriage that was obviously is not working.
