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Married to straight woman, I'm bi or gay

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Italy or Bust, Dec 21, 2012.

  1. Italy or Bust

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    Hi,

    I have long known I am bisexual, but have never been in an emotional relationship with a man. I have, however, been married 3 times-all women. The first time was "playing house" in my early 20s when I was in the Marine Corps. At that time, I hadn't considered myself anything but straight.

    After the divorce, I nervously found the gay area of Seattle and got to kiss my first-ever guy. I considered myself bisexual, but ended up marrying again. I came out as bi to my wife before we married, told her about my gay kiss, but ignored it for a dozen years, even as our sex life slipped into the doldrums. I lived straight, but fantasized about sex with men.

    Then I entered a volitile but exciting relationship with a woman who would become my 3rd wife. We broke up, got back together, broke up, got back together etc. a number of times.

    Whenever we broke up, I would date men (though no "relationship" ever ensued - just fooling around and scant sex).

    I was out as bi with her, but now I am in the relationship doldrums I seem to continue to repeat.

    Am I gay? Should I drop the bi identification? I fantasize ALMOST exclusively about sex with men, and my wife can tell something is not right with our relationship. Maybe I have been fooling myself with the (to me) acceptable label of bisexual when in fact I'm gay.

    Anyway, thanks for listening and glad I found this site. I'm 50 years old, BTW
     
    #1 Italy or Bust, Dec 21, 2012
    Last edited: Dec 21, 2012
  2. Lance

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    It sounds to me like you most likely are gay. 2 failed marriages and a 3rd on the verge of collapse says a little something. Not to mention you fantasize about guys most of the time. And when a relationship is over, you go back to what you really enjoy and have been missing out on, men. Unfortunately, the bisexual label is sometimes used by people to "trick" themselves into thinking they are still a little bit straight and not fully gay since that can be hard for some to accept, which sounds like it might have been the case for you.

    Another thing, please don't think you're too old to be happy in life and live how you want in a fulfilling same-sex relationship. 50 is not that old anymore, and there are plenty of gay men to date at your age. You still have a long time to live as your true self if you do decide that you would be more happy with a guy companion.
     
  3. curlycats

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    hello and welcome to the forum. :slight_smile:

    i wish i could offer advise, but honestly i'm kind of afraid that i might be headed down the same path you find yourself on now. :/

    have you seen this thread...?

    http://emptyclosets.com/forum/support-advice/77221-scared-because-im-bi.html

    do you think what's discussed in the above thread about feelings towards a certain gender changing based on the state of your current relationship might apply to you...?
     
  4. Salazar

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    Well, you seem to suggest that at some point you did feel attracted to a woman, which would imply that you aren't gay. It sounds like you're Kinsey 5ish, which essentially means that you're bi, bordering on gay.

    Welcome to EC and good luck! :grin:
     
  5. Kay

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    Sounds to me like you are gay working very hard to be straight and just can't. If this marriage breaks up you might want to try a real relationship with a man. One that involves love, romance, and commitment. Set your heart free and see where it takes you. It's the only way to know for sure. Hugs and best wishes
     
  6. PeteNJ

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    Im in a similar place. Outwardly straight to everyone (including the women in my life). And almost as long as I can remember I've had a sexual and romantic interest in men.

    Why its taken me so long to deal with this, don't know. Grew up very conservative with very specific expectations probably has a lot to do with it.

    Still, lots of fear of giving up the straight facade to declare myself as gay, though that's probably the case.

    Yes, I admire and enjoy women's bodies. I'm far more turned on by a man's body.

    Italy, bunch of us here who are middle aged and working on the same stuff. Welcome.

    Pete
     
  7. Italy or Bust

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    Thank you all for your kind replies. I will indeed check out the other threads that have similar themes. I do think, that if I am gay, I've wasted a lot of time figuring this out, but realize that 50 is a new beginning.
     
  8. Kay

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    It is never to late to find yourself. Hugs and love
     
  9. Italy or Bust

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    Thank you, Kay. I am still confused, but I think this site will help me to figure out where I belong. I wish I could just take a simple test: "you're gay, you're bi" etc.
     
  10. Deaf Not Blind

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    Nope, nothing good in life is simple...if its worthy of anything it takes time and effort. Marines? Cool, I got a buddy who was one served in Afghanistan. Thanks for serving our nation, sir.
     
  11. Italy or Bust

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    Hi Deaf not Blind...although I appreciated the experienced gained in the Marine Corps, that was a long time ago, and my world view has changed significantly since. I'm very much in favor of peace and love these days ;-)
     
  12. greatwhale

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    Hi and welcome to EC.

    I am one of those, erm, older gentlemen referred to above, feel free to chat about anything that you want, I've only been married once, but that is finally ending and I will be able to live my life as I was meant to live it.
     
  13. Italy or Bust

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    Thank you, Great Whale. The more I read others' accounts, the more they resonate with me. I'm beginning to view myself more as gay in a straight marriage than bisexual. The implications are huge, though, as many of you already know!
     
  14. SaleGayGuy

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    Hi Italy or Bust

    I missed your original post when you joined, so a belated welcome. I am also one of the many of the 30 or more guys on here who are in a similar situation married and coming to term with being gay later in life. I myself didn’t realise I could be gay until my mid 40s but am looking forward to sorting my life out to be who I was meant to be.

    Sale Gay Guy
     
  15. Maffew

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    From what I believe, you aren't just gay, bisexual, or straight. Everyone is somewhere in the scale. Whether it be, bisexual and being attracted to both males and females, or boarding on gay, where you are attracted to males, but some females make you feel the same, or whether you are straight, but some males change you, or in some people they are just full on gay, or straight.
    In your current situation, it's all down to your choice! However, you seem to always run for males when your relationship is off... But never for another female? Which would mean you enjoy the company of males more than females, therefore arguable stating you would be gay. Although, what you need to think about is why you always run for males? Is it because its more enjoyable? More relaxed? Fed up of females? Think to yourself, if you could make all this easier, would you rather be gay, or bisexual? Think about yourself, not those around you!

    --

    Hope these questions can get you somewhere!
    Best of luck with your life, you have a lot of your life left!
     
  16. IloveBeingGay

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    You sound a lot like me. I have also been married and it took me a long time to realize I am almost exclusively interested in men. I had always secretly thought of my self as bisexual but came to understand that when I think about sex, it is always with men - I used to try to think about females but there is nothing there; even though I do find women attractive, there is no question that I greatly prefer males. There is no doubt in my mind that being honest first with myself and then with others has been the best path.

    ---------- Post added 8th Mar 2013 at 09:22 AM ----------

    Right on, Gandalf! I guess there must be a lot of us who were cowed by society into trying to be straight. Sure glad I opened up to the real me. Being gay feels great!
     
  17. PianoNate

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    [/COLOR]
    can't wait til I get here ^^^^^^^^^ :eusa_clap

    Right now, I'm just relieved to not be overwhelmed by my negative emotions all the time.
     
  18. Italy or Bust

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    Me too! I am looking forward to getting some resolution. I know right now things ebb and flow, with some good days and some bad. But the elephant in the room needs to be addressed.

    If it were JUST about me, I would date men exclusively and never look back. If I hated my wife it would be easy, but I don't. I love her and I fear the hurt this will cause.

    I also worry about seeing my 3 year old granddaughter, who I love dearly. She is not my blood so I have no "right" to see her. Her mom is my wife's daughter from another marriage. I think I'll be out of sight and out of mind, especially if I'm out to the world.

    These are things I struggle with mightily every day :-(

    ---------- Post added 8th Mar 2013 at 09:14 AM ----------

    Oh, and thank you for the welcomes!
     
  19. PeteNJ

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    Welcome! We're quite a crowd here aren't we?!?

    I've only been on EC a relatively short time. My life is changing tremendously for the better. Coming out to more and more friends. And dating.

    Its actually kind of stupid that I just don't keep going and finish coming out to the most important 4 people in my life - my 2 kids and parents.

    Best to all of us!
     
  20. Italy or Bust

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    Great to hear, Pete! All in time. I can see it happening to me too. Only a matter of time and some heartache.