Married & gay

If you do abruptly end the marriage there will be questions. Lots of questions. You'll also leave this woman who you've been with without an explanation as to why it didn't work out and you'll have to explain to your kids what happened.

I think your trying to rush into this before the starters gun has even fired. Talk with your wife in private first. You owe her an explanation for the last 20 years.

- Hope this helps a little

 

You are not alone -- I and others on EC have spent a long time (some shorter, some longer), in marriages and other hetero relationships with women, and at some point in order to be sane, need to acknowledge and come to grips with who we really are.

I'm just in the process of coming out to myself. I have a great therapist. I'm beginning to build a network of friends.

How you handle your relationship -- well everyone is different. Some guys have started there -- since that's the person whom it'll impact the most. Others, like me, are working on coming out and connecting with friends first. For me, I feel like I'll need the support of friends when it ends. And I need to talk through with my friends how this will all play out.

Some days it brings me to tears -- I am so loved and I love so much -- and I need to end it. That's a sadness and loss I need to work through.

Though it'll be at the same time I'm coming out. A lot going on -- and without support, including EC, I wouldn't be able to do it.

 

Does she know you feel this way? Does she know that you're gay?

 

Congratulations on coming here and talking about your issues. And know you are not alone! I'm 35 and just went through a divorce myself because I realized, but didn't know at the time, that I'm gay.

I would definitely recommend you talk to a qualified, gay-friendly therapist. You can tell you're wife its for stress or something. Your therapist and you can make a plan for you that best suits your needs. These forums are great, but they're no substitute for qualified professional help!

 

My wife was understandably hurt and devastated and still struggles with it, but she is moving on. Ironically we actually get along better now. I did tell her the true reason since our sex life had been lack luster for years and clearly we were both not happy. I dont know your age, but at my age, sex is still a very important component of marriage and the lack thereof is a clear sign somethings wrong.

No children were involved so I feel your pain even though I didn't experience that. In my opinion, if they're around 20 years old, they will be hurt, but probably not as devastated as they would be if they were 10 years old. You say that your wife and children don't deserve to be hurt and you're right. But life sometimes happens. People do get over things, even it if takes a while. Still, I recommend you use this forum and seek out professional help. I did and it made a world of difference helping both of us cope and move on.

---------- Post added 3rd Jan 2013 at 03:47 PM ----------

I can also say that I am a much happier person now that I am honest with myself and my sexuality. It sounds funny, but I don't mind being a gay man and I've come to accept and embrace it. Or more correctly, I like being honest with myself and the rest of the world. I wish I had come out long ago. But you can't go back in time, you can only move forward.

 

then Lady Gaga WAS right! lol

---------- Post added 3rd Jan 2013 at 04:31 PM ----------

but all kidding aside, with me there were clues long before I knew what gay was. It just took me years to realize it.

 

I have never been through what you're going through and can't begin to imagine; however, I did want to say I was reading a book over this past summer about coming out, being honest, acceptance among other topics. I remember one specific part of the book touched on the topic of gay men stuck in hetero marriages and he made, what I believe to be, a valid point: look around you at all the reasons people are getting divorced, certainly being gay is a valid reason. I am sure you're wife will be very surprised if you come out to her, but remember, it's not like you're telling her you don't want to be with her because you hate her. From reading your post, I don't sense hate.

 

she had a hit last year or so called "Born This Way" and it included lyrics about, among other things, being gay. I'm no real fan of her music, but I do appreciate her very public pro-LGBT efforts.

---------- Post added 3rd Jan 2013 at 04:54 PM ----------

i would definitely echo what Incognito said. For the longest time, my wife thought our sexual difficulties were her fault. It was a relief of sorts when I came out to her.

 

don't beat yourself up too much for "living the lie!" you came from a generation where there were few alternatives. there are many others out there like you, and few have the courage to really start to deal with it like you are.

 

First of all, imagine what it must do to her self esteem to think that you aren't interested in her sexually because of something to do with her. That's awful!

However, I think it's just as likely that she "let herself go" partly because you weren't really all that interested anyway.

Wives usually suspect, even if no one else does. You haven't had sex in seven years. The sex in your relationship was probably lacking before that. She knows something is up.

While you don't find her physically appealing, that doesn't mean no one will. Ending the marriage will allow her to find a partner that is interested in her sexually, as well. When you come out to her, you can also stress that she deserves to have that, to be with a man who desires her.

You haven't cheated on her, and that will make things a lot easier. She will go through the stages of grief, so be prepared for that. But it's possible that you will still be able to be friends. And since you aren't having sex anyway, that might not even be that big of a change in terms of the way you interact with each other.

 

Stuck -- IMO -- if you tell her you want to end the marriage because you're unhappy, that's true. Telling her you are gay -- it might be liberating for you and her -- might make things a lot clearer. But I don't think you need to, and if you think it'll be less hurtful, that make sense. I'm not sure myself, what I'll say to my GF. Reality is, though, if I come out and live as an out guy, it'll get back to her.

Stuck, if you tell your kids -- you couldn't ask them to keep that secret to their Mom, though, that would be unfair.