Engaged and now doubting sexuality... need advice please!

Hi,

Would you rather face this before you are married or after? It isn't going away.

Ask all the gays here on EC who are trapped in marriages that never should have happened.

Imagine the complications of marriage, property, children.

You are looking down the barrel of an exponential problem.

I know cancelling an engagement is hard, but it only gets more and MORE complicated.

Stuck

 

Hi, welcome to EC!

Wow, it sounds like you are in a tough spot, and I'm so glad you're here! You've most definitely come to the right place. I think you really need to take this time--before you become legally married to explore these feelings. A few months isn't nearly enough time, but since everything has been planned/booked, I'm not going to suggest to you to call off the wedding just yet. I know we shouldn't care about what people think of us, but you're going to receive a ton of criticism from friends/family. They're going to try to convince you that you're just getting "cold feet", but I think it's more than that.

I can't tell you what to do, but please don't marry him just because you don't want to ruin his life. This is your life too, and you'll ruin both of your lives if you enter into a marriage you're unsure of. I have the best link for you, it was about a couple featured on Oprah. After years into the marriage, the wife realizes that she's really a lesbian. I'll retrieve the link, then return...

 

Hi,

A relationship is mind, body and soul and it does not work without all three.

I thought it could work with just mind and soul twenty years ago. It doesn't and the complications only make it worse.

I wish somebody told me this 20 years ago.

Believe me, it doesn't go away.

Stuck

 

Here's the link Wives Living Two Lives - Oprah.com

I actually watched this episode of Oprah and it touched my heart. It was like a wakeup call for me and I was only 19 at the time. I denied my feelings, had kids and now, here I am--still gay.

 

Just think about YOUR happiness, you have to be selfish in these situations because otherwise you will ruin YOUR life to stay with a man that maybe deserves to be fully loved by a straight woman, just like you deserve to be really happy with a woman. Don't make this huge mistake, you can't avoid this new feelings forever, they will grow stronger and stronger, they won't disappear and you will be more and more depressed and frustrated.

 

Hi kgirl,

Im a newbie here, and still young but i want to be deep with you on this matter.

Now being a gay young woman, who is in a committed 2 year relationship with my beautiful, lovely, engaged to be engaged girlfriend, you may think i want to support you in the decision to leave your future to be husband and go be with a woman instead.

But i do not support you doing so. Why? Because what you are feeling are only mere physical attractions at this moment. You just like this woman. Not technically love or are in love with her, right?. Why would you want to sacrifice something that you had built for 8 years? Your future to be husband needs you. You love him emotionally but physically it may not be there, because, perhaps you both have done the lovemaking scene multiple times before marriage, and being as you are human, you want to look for what else is out there.

You have everything you built, and a man who loves you. Ask yourself first, do you really believe, feel and know deeep down in your heart that if you were to leave him, everything you wanted in a woman will be there for you, ready to taste? Not meaning in literal terms if course. Will pursuing this physical sensation be spiritually worthwhile?

you need to work something out first with your husband, but i beg you not to hurt him, because it is heartbreaking, just for physical pleasure or curiosity. And i know you know that. I just dont want you to waste something beautiful emotionally for something physical that may not last in the long run.

and then end up blaming the gay community for seducing you out of a succesful relationship with your husband! im kidding about that one!

you should only leave your relationship when you are sure that the woman you are attracted to, you are in love with, and so is she. And that you both know what you want from each other. It seems to me, emotionally you are in love with your man, but physically you want more because he is not doing anything new, or is not a woman. Tell him this!

Currently, you are just perhaps fearing that once you two get married you will never have the chance to experience what its like to be with a woman. But you said so yourself, you wouldnt want to pursue the feelings that you have with the woman. Why? Because deep down you know that it is not worth to leave your loving fiance and everything you have just for a curiosity.

if you were 19 like me, and you were feeling like this, but instead of being married, you were just in a normal no strong ties relationship, then MAYBE it wouldnt be a bad idea. But your an adult now and you have a futureto look forward to.
Dont think about whether you may hurt him in the future because of your decisions, because that shouldnt be an option.

Only LOVE should be.

hey, this is just my opinion, sorry if i sounded commanding, but i could never understand why people could do that to their partners, as in, in pursuit for a physical sensation over strong emotional connection. I dont care gay or straight. Its almost like cheating to me.

but i wish you wisdom, strength and faith in your decisions. No matter what it may be, at the end of the day, you are the one who will experience it to the fullest potential.

 

well lets look at it another way...
when a person has dated for 8 years, maybe they have put it off for a reason?
Usually peeps date up to a year...8 means something happened to put it off, what was it?

also, the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence...some will get married and then be wanting excitement and cheat, but then run back to safety of the marriage, until the next grass comes along looking so dark green. Is it better? maybe not...but it is new and cool and what it if is better and i didn't try it??

If it were not another gender, just another person...would you want to try kissing another man? Just cuz you been with him so long?

Is it about hot sex?
Do you think long term marriages stay as hot sex?
Did you know they all cool off the hot part...but then with time and trust they grow into a different and even better love? That is the ideal anyways...
If you just want to have excitement all the time, you can just choose to live unmarried and when you are bored jump to next person, some do that...but it misses the 2nd part that a deep long term marriage does have.

And maybe after 8 years you have lost the spark of the original passion, but it is already becoming the long term love? Are you afraid of that?

I think it is fair to ask all questions about all subjects before saying forever vows. But if you question too long, just let him go find another who will not take 8 years.

 

Okay, so do you think you are in love with your boyfriend, or do you think you want to marry him?

And then secondly do you really feel that without a lot of passionate sexual experiences with men and women you can't be happily married?

What is your definition of passion? It appears to me it is about the excitement of a new love, or a forbidden love, or a different kind of love. Are you upset at never having a hot steamy love affair before falling in love with somebody who is similar and compatible and stable?

And I go back to asking you...Do you want to marry this man?

My concern would be you are doing what a lot of people do before marriage, jitters, and worry of making a commitment when there are other options out there...and when you vow to forsake all others, you got a ball and chain around the ankle.

 

I think you need to postpone your wedding. Be honest with your boyfriend and explore your sexuality. I've been married to my husband going on nine years and we dated for four before that. I was too afraid to admit I was questioning my sexuality before our wedding. Eight years and three kids later I strayed with a woman. It nearly killed him. All he could say was if I had wondered if I was gay then why did I ever marry him. Now I am in the impossible situation of choosing to either keep my family together or search for my own happiness. There is never an easy time to deal with these questions, but once you get married it will only get harder. I wish I had been honest with myself before I married my best friend.

 

From personal experience - I thought I was a lesbian up until the moment where I fell in love with my first and only partner my boyfriend. During our relationship (we have been together for a number of years) I used to have the same feeling of missing something, at times I thought that our relationship was an impossible one because of it. What I hadn't realised was that I was living in denial of my own feelings and instincts. I was confused because on one hand I was fustrated but on the other hand the thought of leaving my boyfriend made me feel heartbroken.
Eventually, by embracing my hidden emotions, I found out that gender doesn't really matter. What matters is who you love and if you can see yourself spending your life with your boyfriend. Society wants to put us into boxes of sexuality but it is not that simple, don#t throw away a great guy if you believe that he is the one. You might just be more attracted to the idea of being with a woman currently because it is unknown and just a little bit dangerous.

I wish you the best of luck making your decision, it is a hard one to make.

 

Oh jeez, that's a sticky situation. I'm going to be very honest, so know that I mean no offense.
I personally would never consider marrying someone unless I was 100% sure that this was the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. If I had any doubts, even tiny ones, I wouldn't go through with it. Your situation doesn't sound like cold feet to me, as you have been having the feeling that something has been missing for years.

All my life I've heard that you should "play the field" before settling down. Think of all of the experiences that you're missing by tying yourself to one person. Maybe you'll find another man or woman that makes you happier than you've ever been. On the flip side, maybe you'll find out that your boyfriend has been the right one all along, but at least you know.

You'll ruin his life if you marry him only to protect his feelings. If your heart isn't fully in this, chances are that he will have second thoughts about getting married as well. Think about it, if your boyfriend was having the same questions you have, would you still want to get married? The small pain now may be worth the huge pain saved later.

To me, love shouldn't be a question. It should be an irresistible feeling and need to be with a person.

I hope this helped, and I wish you the best of luck!

 

I'm just going to be blunt here, and say you can't marry this guy in three months. You won't be sparing his feelings when 1, 2, 10 years down the line the problem arrises again.

Now I don't think you should call it off, leave him tomorrow and run off with the next woman you meet in a puff of rainbow coloured smoke. However, you need to postpone the marriage indefinitely. You know why? I read the whole thread, then went back to your original post with a view that you shouldn't leave him on this whim. Then I read this line:

'I feel like there has always been something missing in the physical part of the relationship'

Now if this is your honest opinion, if you can be sure that you've not just convinced yourself there's always been a problem purely because these new feelings that have arisen, then you need to stop what you're doing. You're going to hurt this man ten times more that you are already if you go ahead and marry him without sorting this out.

Now I'm not a great believer that amazing sex isn't necessarily a huge contributor to a successful marriage. Eventually, the physical side of a marriage does die down to some extent, and there need to be other aspects of the relationship that keep things going. What's sad is that you appear to have all these other necessary components- love, friendship, care ect.

However, this is bugging you. If you think you can go ahead and marry him without it ever becoming a problem, then do it. The fact that you've posted here though suggests that you don't.
You need to postpone the wedding until you've sorted this out- or at least until your mind is clear on the matter. Whether that means taking a break from your relationship too and exploring these feelings, or just a couple of months contemplating them yourself doesn't matter.

If you don't think you can marry this man until you've sorted these feelings out, do him a favour and tell him. Tell him so that you put the wedding off together, equal in the knowledge that it's the right thing to do. You can both figure out what to tell people about why it's cancelled, and you can both discuss how you're going to face this issue, and how that'll effect your relationship.

On another note, I'm so sorry to hear you're in this position. It must be so awful- I can't imagine it. I really wish you the best, and your partner.

 

I think you should seek counselling. Reason why I say this is because everyone will give you a different answer, you need to do what will work for you, in the long run. Whether you stay or go you need to be able to live with that choice...