Mixed Orientation Marriage

Sorry for the long posting, I feel the more you know about me the easier it will be to advise / help.

Hi Folks, I am a 52 year old guy married for 25, no kids, and am starting to think at this late stage in life that I am gay. I know some people may have moral or religious issues with a gay man being in a straight marriage and would feel uncomfortable offering advice but any advice offered would be appreciated especially if it’s from someone in a similar situation.

I realise that once I have resolved my internal confusion over my sexuality I am going to have to eventually explain the situation to my wife but I do not want to do this just yet in case this is a passing phase and I am really a straight guy. I hope you will understand that I don’t want to destroy my marriage and cause my wife hurt unnecessarily.

I have always felt different to other guys like not being interested in contact sports etc. but I put that down at the time to being interested in other outdoors activities like mountaineering. I went to an all-boys school as a teenager so did not have much contact with girls and at university I studied engineering so not many girls their either. When at university I did come into contact with openly gay guys but never felt drawn to, or repulsed by, them they were just other regular guys as far as I was concerned.

In the early 80’s when I was younger and before I was married I did develop what I suppose today would be called a “Bromance” with a friend. We became very close but he never made an obvious move on me possibly because he had not accepted he was gay at that time, and I never thought of doing anything with him. Having said that on one occasion just the two of us went alone to stay at his parent’s holiday home for the weekend and during a late-night conversation, after returning from the bathroom, I found a bottle of baby lotion had appeared on the table between the two of us. I ignored it but did wonder if he was trying to initiate something and the conversation did get a little weird but he never said he was attracted to me or talk of experimenting etc. shortly afterwards we went to separate beds and nothing was ever said about it again. I later learnt that he was gay, and in hindsight, I suppose he sensed that I may also be gay but not know it and was hoping something would develop between us.

It also turns out that my best mate at school was gay but he didn’t say so at the time, he sadly dies from AIDS in the late 80s before the safe sex message was out. Later and still before I was married my mountaineering buddy, who has never married, once joked that he was as straight as a banana but I did not take any notice at the time and he never made an obvious move on me. So it seems that at least two gay guys felt something in common with me, so perhaps I have something in common with them but was unaware of it or subconsciously supressing it.

Several years ago my father was diagnosed with prostate cancer and I started to research this on the Internet to gain a better understanding of his illness. To my surprise mixed up with all the medical articles on the prostate I kept coming up with links to gay sex, my curiosity got the better of me so I had to look. I started, and now can’t stop, watching gay porn on the internet and began to realise that I am both really turned on by it and that the “Home Movie” type looked completely natural and authentic to me.

At this point I went through a major midlife crisis: I got caught up as an innocent victim in an armed kidnapping on a business trip, I lost my job as a director of an International company , My dad died from the cancer, I was then diagnosed with two life threatening disorders that I had had from birth but not known about - a heart condition requiring heart surgery and an incurable blood disorder that is now kept under control by regular hospital treatment, and if all of that was not enough I managed to break both shoulders putting me out of action for months at a time. My doctors suspected I was having anxiety problems and so sent me for counselling (CBT). It was during this counselling, that revealed PTSD, OCD, and GAD. After 8 sessions I managed to say “I think I’m GAY”, although in the 20 sessions I’ve had I have not felt the need to discuss my sexuality on any more than 2 sessions, so compared to other things that have happened to me I feel as though it’s not much of an issue.

I have now sort of accepted and feel relatively comfortable with the fact that I am attracted to guys. I am also aware that the clock is ticking and that although I have achieved many interesting things in my lifetime I have probably never truly lived and loved as I was designed to.

I have reached the point where I NEED to experiment with guys or I’ll go mad. I can’t concentrate of my work and spend hours every day researching gay issues and looking at porn to such an extent that it’s impacting on my finances (I’m self-employed). I know I should not be doing this behind my wife’s back and feel guilty about it but I feel compelled to do this. My wife and I have not had sex for some years since she lost interest (I think she may be asexual since she’s never really been into it) and coming to think about it if I was completely straight I would have a major issue in going without sex. I have never had the urge or been with another woman outside our marriage. When out amongst other people it’s always the guys I look at not the girls.

So I don’t really know if I am just another straight guy who wants sex with other guys from time to time because it has dried up at home or if I am really gay, and if I am whether I have always been gay or it is something I have grown into.

I do not think my wife would want us to split up if I came out as gay since she is very insecure and would go to pieces without me and I also think she may suspect that I am interested in guys since I have caught her looking at my eyes whenever a cute guy walks past. We watch gay themed TV shows together, get on well with a gay couple we know, and have always been around gay people in the amateur theatre groups we have been involved with. She also knows that gay guys have been interested in me in the past, on one occasion when this really cute guy, without knowing she was my wife, started asking her questions trying to find out about me he.

I would really like the opportunity to discuss with someone who is married, gay, and in a “Mixed Orientation Marriage” about what it is to be gay and what issues are faced in coming out when married and if any of them have “Friends with Benefits” with the full knowledge, and possibly approval, of the wife.

I know from the internet that coming out is a journey that starts with the realisation that you are different and then accepting yourself as gay. The next step is to come-out to someone who you trust and it is much easier if that person is also gay. I think that I am some way between these stages

Thanks in anticipation

SaleGayGuy

 

Hi FemCasanova and PeteNJ ,thanks for taking the time to read my posting and for replying with your thoughts.

I am still trying to decide if I should bend the truth a little and tell her I’m BI to be less of a shock, but to me the whole point in coming out to her would be to be open and honest so this would go against my principals. I think also she may feel that if I’m BI then I may be interested in other women, which is not the case.

As for deciding what I want in life that’s very difficult. For a long time the thought of settling down with a guy seemed alien to me but recently a gay couple have moved in next door and it seems perfectly normal so I don’t know what I would want long term.

Since my marriage has been sexless for many years, I think because my wife is asexual, I suppose that I want to keep what we have but gain sexual satisfaction outside of the marriage, with my wife’s approval, with a man who is comfortable with that arrangement. Having said that, I would then feel guilty at denying myself the possibility of a loving relationship with a man or with messing around with his feelings.

I don’t want to hurt my wife because she has been very supportive when I had heart problems and I know I put her through hell when she thought I was going to die checking during each night to see if I was still breathing. Following the heart surgery my life span has been restored to normal but I am more conscious that ever that I don’t want to waste the rest of it.

It seems that whatever I do is going to be really painful for her and my biggest problem is that I’m a nice guy who has always done the right thing at the expense of my own feelings.

In the meantime I have been compiling an information booklet ,all 160 pages of it, of clippings and advice from the internet that I propose at some stage handing to her to help her in understanding how I feel and how other wife’s/ girlfriends have coped or not as the case may be.

I’ll keep you posted on this thread as I continue along my journey as I now feel as though I want to explode out of the closet and grab the microphone on the customer support desk at my local supermarket and shout out to the whole store, wife included, that I’m gay.

 

Hi Stuck, Thanks for the reply.

I feel in myself that I should come out before our 25 wedding anniversary later this year so that I don’t sleepwalk into another 25 years of depression.

Both out parents celebrated 50 years of marriage recently so we both come from families that expect to stay together which is making it even harder to come clean on the situation.

Sale Gay Guy

 

Hi Jim, Thanks for welcoming me to EC.

This site has been a revelation to me with vast amounts of relevant and informative points of view and is so much better than other sites I have visited.

At first I did think it was just for teenagers and did not think their conversations would be relevant to me or in the least bit interesting … how wrong I was. Since coming out to myself I feel like a teenager again full of strange emotions and feelings of doubt and confusion so their points of view are all applicable to someone who is old enough to be their dad. I have also enjoyed sharing my thoughts and advice with them which sort of makes up for not having a son or daughter of my own.

I have also been taken aback by the level of maturity shown in the conversations of the younger members and their willingness to help others on this board. The world we live in today is a welcome change from the world I grew up in.

Thanks Jim and the other EC advisors and moderators etc.

Sale Gay Guy

 

Hi MattGuy, thanks for the kind words.

I am encouraged that you making time to explore your thoughts of a future relationship with a man or a woman and not just thinking about sex, most people wouldn’t even think about it. I recall a discussion I once had with a Swedish guy who worked for me who told me some parents in Sweden encourage their teenage children to experiment with both sexes so they may make an informed decision as they move into adulthood.

Until you are clear in your own mind I would not contemplate thinking of marriage especially since you consider yourself bi at the moment.

However you finally chose to label yourself, if at all, you have the knowledge that you have at least taken steps to make an informed decision. I congratulate you for having the courage to at least question your sexuality at a much earlier age that I did.

Sale Gay Guy

 

Hello Elisheva and Chloe, thank you both for your points of view.

I am no further in coming out at the moment because my wife is getting very stressed about other issues surrounding our jobs and she is worrying about my health again so I don’t want to make things worse by coming out now. Within the next few months it will be her birthday and our 25th wedding anniversary and I don’t want to do anything that will ruin either of those events.

However the urge to explode out of the closet is getting stronger with each passing day and it’s tearing me apart to such an extent that my wife now is asking me every other day what is wrong because she can see I am not myself. I am in part deflecting some of the questions by telling her that I am in pain again with my shoulder and I am fed-up with the thought of a third round of surgery on it, which is true but not the real cause of my depression.

Elisheva: First of all welcome to EC and for providing the wife’s perspective on this. If you don’t mind me asking, did your husband come out to you, or did you find he was gay by some other means? If you found out before he told you, how much do you think the pain and anger you felt would have been reduced if he had come out to you first?

Chloe: Thanks for pointing this out. I am internally conflicted about this; I felt this was a very selfish thing to expect my wife to understand and agree to but on the other hand I view it as a way of trying to keep the marriage together because I love my wife. It would be much easier to just get divorced and not come out to my wife but that would also hurt her and I don’t want to do that .. I can’t win whatever I do, so for now I just try and keep my head down.

Sale Gay Guy