1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Married and on the Brink of Coming Out - Advice

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Maelstrom67, Jan 29, 2013.

  1. Maelstrom67

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 28, 2013
    Messages:
    5
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    I cannot believe I am even writing this post but I guess I’ve known for a while that this time would come. I am the cliché of the gay ‘heterosexual’ married man who reaches mid-life and comes to the realization that he just can’t do it anymore. I have tried to make a go of it but there is an emptiness inside of me, a constant sadness, that won’t go away. Even worse I have lied to my wife, a person I love deeply. I dislike the person I have become and I can’t continue to live like a coward.

    I am 45 years old, have known my wife for 22 years and have been married for 16 years. We have three children all under 12. I have known my orientation since I was in my teens. But, when I was growing up I did not want to be gay and I dreamed of having a wife, kids, a nice house in the suburbs, etc. so I pushed my feelings aside and moved on. When I was younger I had little difficulty having sex with girlfriends (though I never had many) and then my fiancé who became my wife. It felt great to have sex with women, I enjoyed it and it made me feel that everything was OK and that I was normal. There is no way that I would have ever come out back then. To complicate things, my brother, my only sibling, came out and was diagnosed with AIDS shortly before my wife and I were married. He died less than a year after our wedding. That sent me running even deeper into the back of the closet, I had to be the “straight kid” for myself and my family.

    As time went on I found that I had a harder time working myself up for sex and sometimes just could not perform. After my wife had our kids, it was just about impossible for me to have sex with her. More and more my sexual fantasies involved men. We have not had sex in the past five years and, really, no significant sexual contact in the past 10. I don’t know why, but my wife never complained or questioned me about our lack of sex until recently. I assumed that she was just not interested in sex or just not interested in me and, well, that suited me just fine.

    Aside from the lack of sexual intimacy, I think we have a good marriage or maybe I should call it a partnership. I have a good career, we have a nice house, great kids, and even a dog. We get along very well, I enjoy being with her, we are a good team with raising the kids, taking care of household duties, etc. We share political views and opinions, we see the world and other people similarly, we have fun at family vacations and we even agree on paint colors. We are terrific friends and partners and I love her. For a long time, I thought that was enough. What is the deal with sex anyway? Why is it so important? For something that takes up such a small percentage of our waking time, why should I turn my family’s world upside down because sexually I am drawn to men? This is what I told myself for years but deep down I knew I was fooling myself.

    I longed to be able to feel sexually attracted to women, to my wife. When we are with our other married friends and we hear about them going away for a romantic weekend or hints are dropped about their “normal” sex life, my heart drops. It’s silly but when I go to get my wife a card for her birthday or Valentines’ day I look over the romantic cards and truly wished they conveyed my feelings. But they don’t. I wish there was a switch I could flip or a pill I could take that would redirect my sexual feelings so we could have a complete marriage. But there isn’t. I never wanted to be this way but I realize this is how I am wired, there’s nothing I can do to change it and I am finally beginning to embrace who I am.

    About five years ago I could no longer ignore my need for intimate contact with another person, a male person. I reached out through chat sites and eventually connected with other married men who were in the same situation. We would get together every once in a while to “scratch the itch.” I was surprised when I discovered sex with guys to be more than just a relief, it was mind-blowingly amazing. It sounds sappy but it made me feel connected to the universe, all of me, in a way that I just didn’t feel with women. I felt very guilty after my first experiences and tried to abstain but, even when taking care of myself sexually, I found almost my every waking thought was about men and it was unbearable. So, I continued with the sex-less marriage and men on the side for the past few years . For a time I thought this was a good arrangement but it became harder for me to ignore this wall that was going up between me and everyone else, particularly my wife, and my disgust at my own lying, cheating and cowardice. I knew deep down that I was sitting on a powder keg that was going to go off eventually but I sure as heck was not going to light the fuse. Then my employer got me an iPhone last week.

    I had played with the phone at work and checked out a gay chat site app. I thought I had deleted the site, I have always been very careful, but I’m not an Apple guy and apparently I didn’t do it right. My wife grabbed the phone when I got home to sync it to our account and the app popped up. This led to the question “Are you gay?” Surprised and scared to death, I lied. I admitted I was “bi” and that I was just looking around but it was nothing more that curiosity. This past weekend, I assume after doing some research on the internet, she asked if I ever watched straight porn and if I had ever acted on my feelings. The timing could not have been worse. We were on a long weekend vacation with the kids, my mom and our friends. I did not want to send her into a tailspin in the middle of a vacation with everyone around so I lied again. I denied acting on my feelings and implied that we didn’t have sex because I didn’t think she liked it or me in “that way.” I even asked her if she was a lesbian. You can hand me my a-hole of the year award now. To my surprise my wife said that she in fact enjoyed sex and wanted to have sex with me. My heart dropped, I had been kidding myself all these years. I told her we would try to rekindle our sexual relationship.

    I slept very little and thoughts went running through my head like crazy all weekend. I concluded that I need to tell my wife the complete truth. I need to know whether you think it would be realistic to offer to try to rehabilitate the sexual part of our marriage. I have always been very safe with sex but I would get a full STD screening to be certain and some ED medication and we could try to “ignite” the old flame. I am fairly certain I would not be able to perform for my wife without some pharmaceutical assistance but after a time I may be able to awaken the old feelings and engage in sex with her without them. I would have to completely abstain from sex with men. I would like to try this to keep our marriage going mostly because I love my wife and want to try to make it work. Also, I can’t even think about having to put our kids through dad’s coming out and an inevitable divorce.

    Does this work for other couples or am I continuing to kid myself? Any other advice you can offer?
     
  2. PeteNJ

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 30, 2012
    Messages:
    855
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    NJ
    Maelstrom67, welcome to EC -- a place where there are many men, with very similar stories to yours, me included.

    You have a lifetime of reasons to stay in the closet, to not live a gay life. Me, too.

    I've lived what looked like a perfect life -- marriage, kids, house with picket fence, you know, exactly what most people are brought up to believe is the way to be happy in the world. Completely, totally, unquestioningly hetero normative.

    Even fell in love with a woman after my divorce. Yes, a little Viagra helps to make the sex work, too.

    Of everything you wrote -- to me this is the nut of what you need to deal with:
    "I have tried to make a go of it but there is an emptiness inside of me, a constant sadness, that won’t go away."

    For me, the reality was the closer I became to my girlfriend, the more things looked like marriage was inevitable, the more depressed I became. It would have been a nice, good life. It wouldn't have been me, it wouldn't have reflected who I am, or let me live an authentic life.

    Only you can know what's right for you. I'm going to suggest you shut down your "left brain" and look at who are you, what you want, what brings you happiness, what excites you in your soul, gut, right brain.

    And I'm going to urge you to find a counselor whose specialty is sexual identity issues -- to get the support you need. (friends, the internet, certainly not your wife just are not enough).

    Keep posting.... lots of us here.

    Pete
     
  3. Jim1454

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 13, 2007
    Messages:
    7,284
    Likes Received:
    4
    Location:
    Toronto
    Hi there, and welcome to EC. Your story is very similar to mine, although I hit this moment of crisis when I was about 35. And I certainly hadn't come to terms with my orientation, but I got caught and had to deal with it.

    Our life was like a Norman Rockwell painting. Wife who worked part time as a nurse, accountant husband making a very decent wage, 2 beautiful little girls, a golden retreiver, a Volvo station wagon and a house in a desirable neighbourhood north of the city. Picture perfect. Yet I was miserable and grew to hate myself for the lies I was telling. My cheating had become an addiction - I couldn't stop even though I wanted to.

    Can you make this work? I'm not sure. If your wife was to read your description of how you felt having sex with men vs. what you think you might manage to do in order to have sex with her again, how do you think she'll feel? My wife wanted to end our marriage. She wasn't sure if she could ever trust me again, and even if she could, she didn't know whether I'd ever be truly happy in our relationship - and for those reasons she wanted out. She didn't want to stay with me just for the sake of staying with me.

    And she was right. Splitting up was the best thing - for us. Certainly for me. She was living her dream, but I wasn't. Starting over, being honest and authentic, has allowed me to be happier than I've ever been in my life. This was 6 years ago. I met someone shortly after that - and we've been together ever since. He and I got married in 2011 - and my ex wife and her new husband (who she marred in 2010) were both there as guests. My kids and my husbands kids formed our 'wedding party' and it was a really beautiful day. Picture perfect. While this scene wasn't something that Norman Rockwell likely contemplated, it doesn't mean that it isn't legitimate and that it isn't right for me.

    My kids have survived our divorce and having a gay dad. They're both 'out' about it at school - and there haven't been any negative reactions that I'm aware of. Kids are resilient - and as long as they have 2 parents who love them, they'll get through anything.

    I believe that having 2 happy, well adjusted parents who live apart is WAY better than having 2 unhappy, disfunctional parents who live together.

    This has been my experience. Everyone is different, and you'll need to come to your own conclusion.

    I would echo the suggestion that you find a therapist who you can talk to about this. You'll need someone to bounce things off of. And your wife will need support as well - from that therapist or another one. Once you come out to her - then she can be part of the decision making process. Remember that she might not want to salvage the relationship - and even if she does, you need to be sure that you want that too.

    Welcome to EC - you're in the right place for sure. You can write back here in the thread or you can write to me via a personal message - as I'm one of the staff here. Either way I hope to hear back from you. Good luck!
     
  4. Maelstrom67

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 28, 2013
    Messages:
    5
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Thanks guys, if I'm really honest with myself then I have to say I want to move on and be with a man. Some great guy to sleep next to every night, go on vacations with, the whole thing. I just feel so guilty and selfish wrecking everything around me just for me.
     
  5. Jim1454

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 13, 2007
    Messages:
    7,284
    Likes Received:
    4
    Location:
    Toronto
    I can relate to that too. I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders and I was consumed with guilt. But I was in recovery for sex addiction and came to realize that guilt wasn't going to do me any good. There wasn't a single thing about my past that I could change - no matter how badly I wanted to. There were also things in my present over which I had no control - including my orientation. And remembering these things helped.

    My wife and I remain on very good terms. The way you described your relationship really reminded me about mine. I'm very fortunate to have found a similar relationship with a man - and now every aspect of the relationship is healthy, including the sexual and romantic components.

    Therapy can help you work through these feelings.

    And selfish? Well, in my case, I concluded that I would be no good to anyone at all if I didn't get better and take care of myself. If I hadn't taken the necessary steps, I may have done away with myself, leaving my wife and kids with insurance money. For a little while I thought that was the best answer, but thankfully I came around to see that they were better off with me around for them.
     
  6. Maelstrom67

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 28, 2013
    Messages:
    5
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Thanks Jim, the thought of driving my car off a bridge has flashed into my mind once or twice but I quickly figured that everyone, including me, would prefer a gay me to a dead me. I suppose it's a bit of a paradox, if I try to be "unselfish" and continue to stay in the closet I will probably become a miserable shell of a person full of regret and self loathing and this will impact everyone around me. If I do the brave thing then everyone has a chance, after some pain of adjustment, to be happier. Sunlight is better than darkness.
     
  7. Appley

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 22, 2013
    Messages:
    25
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Hi.
    There are a few of us around. I came out to my husband last week. Hardest thing I've ever done. But after a few days when the adrenaline subsides I do feel better for it. What happens next, I'm not sure.
    Thinking of you.
    A x
     
  8. skiff

    skiff Guest

    Joined:
    Jan 3, 2013
    Messages:
    2,432
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Peabody, MA - USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Hello,

    You are far from unique any number of us gay married guys here looking to correct.

    You are among friends.

    Stuck
     
  9. SmokeandMirrors

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 13, 2013
    Messages:
    127
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hey Maelstrom. I really feel for you. I've entered into my second week of splitting from my fiancee and mother of my child because of my self-acceptance of my orientation after an agonizing last leg of our relationship.

    I went through all those feelings of guilt, anger, depression and eventually it got to a point where the cracks were beginning to show in my outer-self (what I used to call my 'masked persona'). I really couldn't take any more of the putting off sex, lashing about emotionally due to my self-directed anger and generally feeling so bad for being unfair to her.

    Eventually I got up the courage to tell her and it went so much better than I could have ever imagined. She completely accepted my revelation and even offered to help me out and be there for me as a friend (granted she does have a hope that we get back together after a while but it is more concern than desperation I think). The only thing that held me back originally was my love for my son (19months old) and the fear of being apart from him. However, I know deep in my heart that my decision was the right one and in time it will show. Hopefully everybody will have a happier life than if I carried on living a lie.

    I'm just glad that I did it now (26) rather further down the line with marriage and more children to make the guilt-hold intensify. The initial heartache for my partner's company and my son really did it's best to make me almost regret the descision when I moved out (a week after telling her, we sorted a lot of things out and left amicably) but a few more days down the line and I'm thinking that life will go on and now that I've got the opportunity to do the things I should have done years ago I don't want my family sacrifice to be for naught.

    Try and think long-term and whether your sanity is going to hold up or if you will be able to bury your emotions and impulses and carry on how you are? At the end of the day you only live once and if your wife loves you, she will accept any decision you make for the sake of your history and children. Your children will love you regardless I'm sure, just handle it sensitively.

    I really wish you the best no matter what decision you make and hope that you are able to find true happiness within yourself.
     
  10. Oothatsnice

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 16, 2013
    Messages:
    43
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    United kindom, England
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Wow didnt realize how many people were in this situation. All i can say is all the best with the future hope all goes well :slight_smile:
     
  11. SaleGayGuy

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 7, 2013
    Messages:
    612
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Manchester, UK
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Hi Maelstrom67

    Welcome to EC. I am in a similar situation to yourself married for 24 years but without children. I have been on EC for a few weeks now and have found many others in our situation so you are not alone. The help and support of this group has helped me to feel more comfortable with my situation and I hope you find the same.

    I can relate to your phone situation, I had also downloaded an app for my smart phone and hidden it well out of sight. When out shopping with my wife I had a shopping list on the phone and we were passing the phone back and forth whilst we shopped. Unknown to me the app I had downloaded was still running in the background and fortunately for me my wife had just passed the phone back to me when a message from a stranger popped up and offered to give me a blow job.

    Sale Gay Guy
     
  12. Griffin

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 19, 2012
    Messages:
    11
    Likes Received:
    1
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Hi.

    Thanks for your post. Your situation is much like mine. I am gay, married 15 years, with two kids, ages 7 and 11. I have been reading and posting here since October, but am no closer to a decision on coming out or remaining closeted than I was in the fall. Part of me knows the way to personal happiness is to live as a gay man. However, I can't reconcile that against the hurt my wife and kids will experience should I decide to end the marriage. Much like you and your wife, we are partners and friends, just not lovers. And so, no decision gets made.

    I don't have much in the way of advice- but can tell you that you are among friends here. There are new men every week sharing a similar story. I have found it a great relief to know at least that I am not the only married gay man around. As you read, you will find many in the same situation and hopefully, that support will be helpful.

    If you think you can re-ignite the sexual connection between you and your wife, there may be little harm in trying. I think about that as well, but again, no action. If you can be honest in the ways I have not been able to, perhaps you and your wife can plan for the future together-with her fully aware of your sexual orientation.

    I hope it all works out for you.

    Jason
     
  13. care77

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 19, 2013
    Messages:
    14
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    uk
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Hi, Similar situation to me. Been with my male partner for 12 years, not married, but we have a child. i told him in December and it felt like such a relief. We have good days and some bad days, I think he thinks I have consciously faked things, but I haven't. He was very angry at first and whilst reading EC I came across a post explaining the difficulties for people coming out. After I showed it to him there seems to be a bit more sensitivity about things, he even encouraged me to go to my first lgbt group meet last week! Whilst I feel like we have a mountain to climb it just seems like there is a bit of hope. Keep reading EC and good luck, no one is on their own.
     
  14. Maelstrom67

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 28, 2013
    Messages:
    5
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Well I did it, I came out to my wife last night. I never expected this would be a walk in the park but it is much harder than I thought it would be, I feel awful.

    She was absolutely shocked and had no idea, which surprised me. We really haven't had sex for 10 years and there have been a few "clues" along the way that, I thought, would have made her at least a little suspicious--but she really had no idea. Could she have been in denial all these years or am I that good at deceiving people?

    The fact that I had already had sex with men really hurt her and I regret having done that but there's nothing I can do to change it and I can't lie about it now. What made it most difficult was that she pushed for details about who, when, where, what acts were performed, etc. I tried to tell her it didn't matter but at the same time I wanted to be honest with her and I'm afraid I just made things worse by giving her too much information. I could tell the idea of her husband having sex with men repulsed her and the more details I gave (at her insistence) made me feel like I was twisting the knife.

    She asked if I was going to continue having sex with men, I said I needed that physical connection and that I was hoping to find one guy....that made her really upset. She wanted me to promise I would never fall in love with a man but I couldn't do that. I feel so selfish, am I doing the right thing? Should I try to be gay-celibate, would I go insane, is being with a man sinful and something I shouldn't do (can you tell I was raised Catholic)?

    I promised I would always be there for her and the kids physically, emotionally and financially and that they would always be my priority. She's certain I'm going to leave and that she is going to grow old by herself, lonely. I again told her I would always be there for her. I told her that she deserves to find a man who is going to love her completely and make her feel like a woman, she doesn't think that is ever going to happen for her.

    I urged her to read other women's stories on-line so she would know she's not alone. I also urged counseling for both of us but she was not receptive to the idea...but she might change her mind on that. She wants me to try to keep it together, try to rekindle the passion/sex we had early on to save our marriage and she thought it existed until last night. I told her I've thought that through and I'm gay (I still have a hard time saying that), I can go through the motions but my heart will never be in it. She had a hard time with this, I feel so selfish.

    She thought our marriage was a sham from the beginning but I told her it wasn't. I honestly believed, wanted to believe, the vows I made and thought I would be able to keep them but, damn this is hard.

    I'm confident I will be OK but the pain I have caused my wife is breaking my heart. I still cannot imagine coming out to anybody else, ever. I keep wondering whether I did the right thing, it would have just been easier if I had stayed in the closet--even if it did destroy me. Man I wish someone would invent a straight pill so nobody has to go through this pain and anguish.
     
  15. Kgirl

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 9, 2013
    Messages:
    266
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Congrats for having the courage to tell her, it had to be done.

    I know exactly how you feel. I had to tell my boyfriend of 8 years (who I was due to marry in a couple of months!) the same thing. Except I'm still unsure exactly how I feel. And despite him feeling more like a very close friend to me than a lover, I do love him so much and will miss him terribly (if inevitably we end up going our separate ways).

    He reacted the same way, wanting to know every little detail - how long I've known, why I didn't tell.him when I first expected it, whether I'd cheated on him, whether I'd ever truly been attracted to him. It was so overwhelming to try and answer these questions, especially when I'm not 100% sure how I feel and have never had a relationship prior to him to compare to. But he deserves to know. As does your wife. The uncertainty about what has happened is worse than the ugly truth.

    Of course she will be devastated. She will feel used and betrayed. Hopefully she will move on, eventually.
     
  16. PeteNJ

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 30, 2012
    Messages:
    855
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    NJ
    Congratulations for taking this step. It seems the best for your own sanity, health, and moving life forward for you, your kids, your soon to be ex wife.

    You're ahead of me, in terms of ending the relationship with the woman I'm with. As much as I'm working on who I am as a gay man coming out and living out, trying to deal with the relationship, how to end it, when to end it, the loss (for me), is taking up and draining so much psychic energy from me. For personal family reasons, I think I still need to keep up this sham for a few more months.

    Back to you -- seems to me that trying to keep a relationship going, which is, quite frankly, not really a marriage but a convenience partnership, while you want happiness and love, isn't something that's going to work. Probably for similar reasons.

    That's how I feel about the relationship with my girlfriend. I'm trying to figure out what I tell her. Wrestled with not telling her/ telling her I'm gay (now I realize I owe her the truth). Honestly, even if I were not gay, I know the relationship wouldn't work long term because of some of her stuff. But I think using that as a reason for ending our relationship would be a cop out. I think if I end it, I need to take on that I'm ending it for MY reasons. That there is nothing she did to make me gay. There is nothing she can do to sexually fulfill me (well, emotionally too). That I can't be there for her the way a partner should be. That she has been amazing to me, for me, and that I am so thankful for all the love, intimacy, sex, caring, friendship.

    Please keep posting -- I learn much from you and men/women like you dealing with this.

    Peace
     
  17. SaleGayGuy

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 7, 2013
    Messages:
    612
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Manchester, UK
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Wow, congratulations I guess, I can’t imagine what you’re feeling like right now but as PeteNJ said it’s probably best for your long term health. I am sure all on EC are thinking of you and your wife over the coming days and months especially the other married guys/girls who are going through a similar struggle.

    Sale Gay Guy
     
  18. Chrissouth53

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 9, 2012
    Messages:
    212
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Boston USA
    Same situation here.

    Married 35 years
    Liked sex with women.
    No sex in my marriage made me think of the repressed feelings I had for guys.
    Cheated and got caught.
    Came out to wife.

    Two marriage counselors and therapists later, we're in a good place. Actually better than ever. She takes care of my sexual needs to an extent that I have no desire to go outside my marriage again. Does that mean I don't like guys? No. But I can control myself and remain monogamous as long as my wife realizes that not meeting my sexual needs will disrupt our marriage (just as it does in any "normal" marriage).
     
  19. ChandlerCurious

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 24, 2013
    Messages:
    11
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Chandler, AZ
    Wow I must say this thread really jumped out and spoke to me. First off as a newer member I am glad to see so many people here in a similar situation.....mine as well.

    I had a child very young right out of high school. Got married worked our way up to the whole picture perfect life everyone else is talking about suburban house, car, kid, dog, etc. We actually got divorced which was ironically her decision not mine. We remained close friends and today she is actually probably my best friend. The reason this thread spoke to me is that my ex would very much like to get back together. She has dated/lived with others but has always regretted the divorce. I haven't dated anyone given the turmoil I am in about who I am and what my life should be. But like you said in your original post the temptation is there to get back together and live the "normal" life after all we do love each other and care about each other and are so similar in everything we like/dislike it is scary. But the realization for me is....though I will always love her and care about her I am not in love with her and am not being true to myself which is not fair to either of us.

    The post by Jim1454 also struck a chord with me because of what he said about his ex coming to his wedding. That is amazing. I want my ex to truly be happy and the problem is that any relationship she has is strained because naturally another man does not like the close relationship that her and I have. So maybe if I am true to myself everyone can be happy as there would no longer be any jealousy of our relationship. But that is obviously easier said then done...hence one of the many reasons I have joined EC!
     
  20. Carm

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2012
    Messages:
    80
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Hi. I'm in much the same situation. I, however, did NOT know I was gay when I was young, due to an extremely repressive and oppressive conservative upbringing. I didn't know "gay" was a possibility. I married a really wonderful guy and we have a relationship just like you describe with your wife - it's Normal Rockwell. Except it's not. There is a force that continually propels me toward women. It can't be stopped. It can't be contained. It can't be ignored. It is simply there, and WILL be reckoned with. We had two kids and had been married five years when I started doing some research to figure out what this thing in me was, and figured out I was gay. Best discovery of my life! But the reaction from my husband and family was horrific. I was bullied back into the marriage, with the promise that I could be "out" and could have gay friends and could be open about who I am. It didn't work. At all. Tried to continue like we were a happy couple. Things went mostly back to normal. Had two more daughters. Love my family with all my heart, but it's been a disaster in my inner world. Now going to a therapist to figure out how to move forward in a healthy way. Am scared shitless, but am discovering I am a person, worthy of a voice, worthy of genuine love and care.
    You're not alone. There are many of us in the same boat. In my opinion, though, mixed orientation marriages do not work if both parties are being honest.