Married lesbian: is divorce inevitable?

l was dumped by a boy l was also best friends with. l mean, really best friends. And even though he was the dumper it was kind of an unspoken mutual thing because l knew that he knew that l knew...hehe.

Well, he knew l was bi and that l'd questioned my interest in men but we just said "hey, let's see what happens", basically.

The one thing l would say is you are saying your marriage is strong and loving, that's pretty hard to give up. l know what it feels like to have that emotional connection with a man.

Ultimately though, l can't even kiss one and enjoy it and they KNOW because they aren't the idiot creatures some people think them to be.

So l would ask...are you sure it's strong enough? l'm not sure the emotional connection is enough to hold it up.

Also, and l hate to say this but it's entirely possible he could become interested in a woman who he knows will fully return his feelings and he wouldn't exactly be wrong for doing so.

This is what l feared in my relationship and it easily could have happened.

 

Appley I'm in the exact same situation. We've been together 8 years and were supposed to be getting married in May this year. But something clicked in me recently, making me question if I could marry my 'best friend'. I still don't know my orientation for sure... but I know that I love my boyfriend deeply but the physical side of the relationship has never been great for me.

It's good that the two of you can talk about this. I hope things work out for you, whatever you decide.

 

Hi Appley , I am also in the same situation. Been together 10 years although we have never married. We have our good days and bad. On good days we talk and sometimes cry on the bad days my partner just cant talk in depth about it. I think time is a good friend of both of ours and we just have to take everyday as it comes. I now go to a support group, which I cant suggest enough. My partner (he is completely straight) has joined a group for ex-partners of gay people. Don't know how useful he will find it as he has just joined but I felt it was a real step towards him facing up to things, and that he wont be on his own.

My partner is also my best friend and I really understand your fear. I started coming out in November so it is still very new, but the crazy thing is I just feel a little more used to feeling scared so I feel like it is a bit more manageable and that I am not on my own.

Good luck x

 

In some circumstances you can remain friends. It all depends on how much both sides are willing to give. If these guys are willing to let you live your life it can work. You would become friends rather than lovers and you would have to not be jealous of him having another woman.
In the case of marriage there are ties that at some point unless you lived a separate open marriage you would eventually divorce. If you found someone you fell madly in love with it would be hard to imagine a partner tolerating a man in your life that you live with. I do believe you could remain friends with a lot of acceptance on both parts. Hugs and best of luck

 

Wow! This must be terribly difficult for you. I can't even imagine what this must be like. You should go out and become involved with the lesbian community and find some support, make new friends. I personally don't see how this is going to work. Going to couples therapy is a nice gesture, but this isn't something that can be fixed with therapy. If you're gay, you're gay.

 

There was a story I once read about a man that wanted to divorce his wife because he fell in love with another woman. It goes that when he confronted his wife about the divorce she wrote a contract about how she wanted the divorce to proceed. It stated that the man had to carry her out of the house everyday. As the time before the divorce grew closer the man started to have feelings for his wife again. Holding her so close grew intimacy between them again. During the time the man carried her out of the house he realized she was getting lighter to lift. He believed it was because of his increasing strength from carrying her everyday. He decides to break things off with his second love after realizing how much he cared for the women he carried each day. When he returns home he find out that she had died from cancer. Which is why she grew light to carry.

In the end he realized that he had not given the relationship its fair chance. He let distance grow between them but in the end the love was still there.

My point is to never give up on love. If there is a chance to save it take it. If not then you have no choice but then to move on.

 

Divorce is not inevitable. In my opinion, though, it is probably advisable, for both you and your husband to be able to have more fulfilling relationships. If the divorce is amicable, as these types usually are, it will not be as hard on your children. What's hardest on kids is when their parents can't stand to be in the same room with each other, or say nasty things about each other all the time, or use the children as leverage against each other. If you are still friendly enough to spend holidays together, your kids will be fine.

 

It is a massive step. It will take a lot of courage and certainly about what you want.

 

It was for me, but I was also very young and confused. And that is when you confuse a best friend for something they are not. We split amicably, but there were no traces of the old friendship left, possibly because trying to work the marriage out just exhausted both of us. I don't know if we could have been on better terms if we split earlier, but I am simply stating facts. Also, each situation is different, but honesty is probably the best way to go for everyone. Good luck, it is hard right now, but I promise it does get better.

 

I have a lady friend who once felt that she was a latent lesbian. At the risk of losing a loving husband, she decided to separate form her husband, in order to live with her new lesbian lover. As it turned out, she was really attracted to both sexes. After a spat with her lesbian lover, she returned to her always accepting and relentlessly loving husband, who was more than happy to have her back.

They now both live quite happily within a mutually agreed upon open marriage.

 

Hi,

I cannot speak as a woman, but for me divorce is inevitable.

Stuck

 

Possibly one thing to try to keep in mind is that the human heart can be a very large place, with room for all sorts of love. True, your marriage no longer fits the conventional Disney happily-ever-after hetero-couple model, but that doesn't mean the love you and your husband have created has to be tossed to the curb completely.

With effort, honesty, respect and communication it may be possible to forge a new relationship with him--one of caring friends who share love for the family members, and support each other although their intimate relationships are now with other people. When you have a quiet moment, just try to imagine a year or two down the road--you happy with a new lover who truly feeds your heart, him happy with a new relationship as well. Your kids, happy and loved by two relaxed fulfilled parents who are the best of friends, as well as by the new partners of their parents, an extended network of supportive caring adults around to help during tough times.
There will be stress and grief and mourning time needed for the loss of the original vision you two shared, but a stronger, more honest, more rewarding future may lay ahead for you all. Don't despair--that happily ever after is still out there, it just had a face-lift and looks a little different.

 

I am in the exact same situation as you. I feel pretty much the same down to the last detail. I am moving out of my home as soon as I can get a place of my own. My marriage wasn't really working out anyway, my being gay probably has a lot to do with that. I just can't stay in a situation where I'm not happy. Also we have a 5 year old child to think about which complicates things further.

I suppose it's just a case of you deciding what you want. Me and my husband are doing our best to stay friends through the break up. Things do get a bit fractious from time to time, but this is nobody's fault, so theres no point in recriminations and animosity. The one thing I didn't want to do was cheat on him, because he doesn't deserve that and I know that if I stayed with him, I would cheat on him, sooner probably, rather than later.

I'm sorry I can't give you any answers. It would be lovely if someone could just wave a magic wand and sort all our problems out wouldn't it. I'm sure that you have been doing plenty of soul searching and being honest is the only way you can possibly get through it.

Good luck.

Vicki x

 

I am in the same situation, but as a homosexual man. I think divorce will be inevitable in the long run, but with two teenage boys to consider, and the desire to make this as amicable as possible, my wife and I are going through this slowly. I don't know how to make this work and stay together, and burying myself back into the closet to preserve the marriage does not appeal. I like who I have become by being more authentic, even if it is to just a few close people.

 

I am struggling with many of the same issues. I have tried to wear the moniker, "bisexual" and make a go of it, but I think divorce (or at least an end to the marriage as it currently exists) is inevitable. Divorce seems to be looming at some point for me. I suspect it is for you, too.

 

Try not to 'catastrophize' things that haven't happened yet. Just take one day at a time.

The reality is that divorce doesn't cause children to suffer - bad parents do. If you and your husband can work things out in a positive way then this won't cause your children to suffer.

Yes, they will have to face changes in their lives - and change is difficult for everyone. But when my wife and I divorced it was for the better. Neither of us was going to be happy in the long run - and having 2 parents who are well adjusted and happy but living apart is FAR better for kids than having 2 parents living together who are miserable. I'm sure of that.

My children now have 2 loving homes and 4 parents. (1 mom and 3 dads.) They are 'out' to their friends - in that they're open about the fact that their dad is gay, and is married, so that they have 2 step dads. It doesn't seem to have caused an issue for them at all. It might even make them the 'cool' kids. I don't know. My wife was almost single minded with respect to ensuring the kids made it through this as unscathed as possible, and I think we have done a good job.

So can you.