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married male

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by snowman1, Feb 9, 2013.

  1. snowman1

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    hi,i am a married male,i had a gay affair some years ago which lasted for about 4 years,my wife knew about it and was ok i think,i ended it when i found out he was seeing someone else.that was the last time i went with anybody so i put my feelings to the back of my mind,but recently they have come back big time,so i dont know what to do now,i could try and put them there again or explain to my wife how i feel and see what she says
     
  2. RainbowMan

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    I would attempt to be as honest with your wife as possible - there are some secrets which you can't hide forever, and I think that honesty is the basis of any relationship.

    And you're not alone - several gay people have been married prior to coming out as gay, and some even have children. One of my good friends on here, PeteNJ, is in that situation. Not an easy place to be, but he's working on it.

    Hang in there!
     
  3. PeteNJ

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    Many of us like you here, snowman1. Some of us moved on from our marriages, others still in them. You'll probably get more responses in the support section.

    In some marriages it seems to be negotiated that there is an open side and either is free to have other relationships. For most, I think, that's not very workable and typically means moving on.

    Much depends on how you see your gay life moving forward -- continuing in semi secret liasons or living openly and some day waking up with your man next to you in bed and having a life with him.

    Do you have kids? And give us a little more insight. Are you in the US? More liberal or more conservative area?

    Secrets mean the death of a relationship. Especially something as intimate as sexuality and other partners.

    Keep posting... lots of us guys like you here. You are far from alone.
     
  4. snowman1

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    hi i live in the uk,yes i have four kids ,all grown up,i am going to have a talk with my wife tonight,let you know how its gone later,i need to do something as it is getting me down as i miss the sex.i have been using a dildo thats the only way i can get some relief,i will let you all know how i get on ,wish me luck
     
  5. Ticklish Fish

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    hello hi, welcome!
    yeah, support forum might be more noticeable if u need help haha
     
  6. Omla

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    I'm like you, but my wife doesn't know.

    Not like you though in that I've only had very limited (although enjoyable)
    Casual encounters in gay saunas.

    I also frequent (much too often) asian massage places where I get some of the
    Great rubbing and attention my marraige doesn't provide.

    I don't like men more than women but I do have more intense orgasms
    And get kind of more intensely physically aroused with homosexual fantasy.

    I pretty much only look at women in my daily life. I'm pretty confused.

    Also as a painter I feel a kind of holy duty to be open about my feelings in my
    Art. If I wasn't a painter I might just forget about the gay stuff and be
    Straight only.

    Sorry this is too much info about me but I do feel for you.

    I've been living in my marraige with this secret so long that being open might wreck my
    Marraige and life as a family with a lovely wonderful 10 year old.

    Good luck!!!

    ---------- Post added 9th Feb 2013 at 02:33 PM ----------

    I'd say I'm psychologically straight, romantically straight, and purely sexually speaking
    Gay or bisexual (though it depends how you define the "sexual" part of the term).
     
  7. Chip

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    I moved this to support and advice so you'd get more responses.

    In my opinion, you owe it to your wife to be open with her about what's going on. I think it is pretty likely, if you had a 4 year affair with a guy and liked it that you are, at best, bisexual and if you don't really have sexual feelings for your wife, then it's likely you're gay.

    It's not going to be successful, ultimately, to try to hide the feelings. You are who you are and suppressing the feelings is just going to make you miserable, so the sooner you deal with that, the happier you will be. :slight_smile:
     
  8. Omla

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    I think there is an idea that honesty is the best policy.

    I agree in MOST cases.

    All relationships have secrets.

    It's definitely true that every straight married guy I know wants to fuck
    About 10 girls he knows.

    Do they share this with their wifes?

    Of course not!
     
  9. RainbowMan

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    But do they actually act on that? The OP had a relationship with another man for four years! I see that as MUCH different than a straight married guy wanting to fuck 10 different girls, but never actually doing it (as most won't).
     
  10. Omla

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    What if you wanted to suck a dick for 10 years
    And didnt.

    Just saying.
     
  11. snowman1

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    hi,i have been having a good take with my wife about my gay feelings as i said in my other post i was going to ,well i explained to her how i was feeling and getting depressed trying to hold my feelings back,she knew my gay feeling were surfacing again,she suggestered i start seeing someone but dont get too involved just to satisfy my needs,what do you guys think
     
  12. Omla

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    Keep your wife!
    (Just being funny.. Don't really know)
     
  13. skiff

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    That sounds like a mistake.
     
  14. Motov

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    My "other half" was formerly married and has 4 boys (all adults now) His eldest son is the only one who will speak to him. His ex are on speaking terms and she does allow him to stop by his former residence to visit his grand kids. (they are still friends) He came out and told her he rather be with men.
    I knew as a teen I preferred men over women, so I never bothered to seek a wife, even though I tried to be straight.
    Trust and honesty goes a long way in a relationship.
    Abusing this hurts both involved, especially the one who abuses it, he has to carry the guilt and the lie, eventually the lie finds you out.
     
  15. Jim1454

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    Hi there and welcome to EC.

    If you're wife is open this then I guess it's a possibility.

    However... I can't help but wonder if your relationship with your wife is really a satisfying one for either of you. Is it? Or has it grown into a relationship of convenience, now that you have a family to raise and such. You might be gay and your wife might have profound self esteem issues, and that's why an open marriage on the surface seems like a solution to both of you. But neither of you will really be true to yourself. Or truly happy.
     
  16. Omla

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    What is true to yourself though?
    Are security, familiarity, and shared experience
    Irrelevant.

    The issues raised above me are very important,
    But what about the ones I just mentioned?

    ---------- Post added 12th Feb 2013 at 11:36 PM ----------

    Also there may be a such this as "too late to change".
     
  17. Ianthe

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    I think your wife deserves to have a partner who will be satisfied in his relationship with her. Does she think she can't have that?

    It might be a good idea to seek counseling from someone who has experience with couples in your situation.
     
  18. Jeff

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    Omla, I agree with everything you have brought up. There must be some consideration for other's feelings. Like when you are invited to dinner at a friends, and their cooking leaves a lot to be desired, you do not let on that the food is poor. You say thanks for having me over, I enjoyed everything, and hope you'll come over soon to my house.

    Honesty is a bit over rated sometimes. Hiding feelings is often what we gay men have mostly had to do for many years. It did not kill us. Sure it is preferable to just spill it all out, but the reality is often not quite so rosey.

    Many men would do best to divorce before coming out in order to not be taken to the cleaners, and lose contact with the kids.

    Other would be advised to tell the wife and try and keep the marriage intact. And yet others should tell the wife the real truth and pack up right then and there.

    It really depends on what the wife can handle, and the emotional closeness and openness.

    Coming out can ruin everything in one sweep.
     
  19. Omla

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    Being bi and basically being capable of doing without men
    In actual physical form makes it diff than if I was simply gay.
     
  20. Jeff

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    I know, but snowman1 is gay.