I'm not quite sure where to start. I feel like I have been sexually confused my whole life. I'm currently married to an amazing man with 2 kids. I've been with women before and didn't really like it, or maybe I wasn't open minded enough but I have this intense urge that I HAVE to be extra close to women. I have felt like this my entire life. I get jealous when my girlfriends have other friends, etc. Whenever I meet a woman and find something we have in common I can't seem to get that person off my mind, I think about them constantly, I can't even play with my kids or be productive because I just want to think of that person. I am also diagnosed with ocd. I do like men, in the beginning the relationship and sex are usually great but then it quickly fizzles. I do like sex with men, mostly just the penetration though. I'm in therapy and my therapist and I are working on a few things. I was sexually abused through out my whole teenage years, I get intense anxiety attacks when I'm around my husband. I just feel like progress in therapy is so slow and I feel like I just want to be with a woman and that will everything.
From what it sounds like, you leaving your husband for a women will do little to help you feel better. Therapy is usually a slow process but think of the rewards! Does your husband know?
Thanks so much for your reply. My husband does know and he is so patient with me. I am so grateful for that, he's very understanding, but I know I just sound like a broken record to him. Ugh, its just so hard, I feel like I'm unsatisfied with my life and just want to be with a woman. Its hard to control this urge to just take off. I feel like it makes me excited to act on these thoughts, not so much the sexual stuff but more like the intense friendship part. I dunno, I've been super clingy to my gfs all my teenage life. My therapist says there's no rush even if I am a lesbian, but I'm like I need to just take off now. I dunno what my problem is. Without a woman in my life I feel empty.
I used "geographical cures" to attempt to fix anxiety and depression and relationship problems but like someone told me "wherever you go, there you are." It didn't make sense to me at first...but really it is true. My unresolved issues come with me into the next place. I can see taking action, but that flight urge usually is about trying to run away from or avoid problems. And they usually just pop up again. But with a relationship like this...maybe it is different. But the again, it seems less about the current spot you are in being with a man and that being wrong for you and more about impulsive need to find the next thing. I can see focusing on ending the relationship but jumping into something else, ie a relationship with a woman, ..."wherever you go, there you are." Glad you are on EC! It helps me to just keep posting and it helps me work though things. (*hug*)
browneyed girl - sounds like me !!!!!!!! i am single but i feel the exact same way you do. I am crushing on my best friend (she doesnt feel the same) but i cant get my mind off of her. and it's always been that way with female friends of mine. i once did have a relationship with a woman, but that was long ago. have had sex with multiple men since, but its only the sex i like - i never connect with them on an emotional level. can only connect emotionally with women.
I'm not sure what to do. I'm just so confused, I can connect emotionally with men as I did with my husband in the beginning and everything seemed great, then I'm not quite sure what happened, I started feeling weird. Then I started thinking maybe I'm gay cause I can never hold it together with a man. The feelings just don't last. With women I can hold a connection easily. I do also get turned on by naked women, but when I was with them before I just didn't like the sex much. It was missing something...a penis lol. I have had obsessions all my life, if I just stop thinking about this, it will go away and I will continue to be attracted to men, but this urge, to cling to a woman is strong. The last thing I need is to leave my husband and find out being with a woman is not what I wanted...
It just seems like I keep going back and forth. I mean, with my best friend I wanted to be with her all the time, I loved spending time with her, I would have random thoughts of what it would be like to be with her sexually as I did with any woman I got close to. But then I met my husband and I was so into him and I couldn't care less about her, until the feelings wore off for him and I started to cling on to her again. In the past I would be with a girl, the sex would be ok in the beginning then I'd start to get bored and my eyes would wonder usually on to a guy. My initial feelings for a man are way more stronger than for a woman. I become a total school girl all giddy and smiley around guys I like and because of those feelings the sex is great. Ugh, I'm just so lost with myself. I have 2 kids and I just don't want to pull them back and forth, like I think I want to be with a woman then I meet a man and just wtf. I thought about just making a choice to commit to someone, but I'm so freaking impulsive. i feel like I'm dealing with a teenager sometimes when I think of the way I act. Thanks for listening.
Therapy can be a very beautiful experience. Just be patient and take full advantage of it. I can almost promise you that you'll learn much more about yourself than you know now.
