45 Married M w/out kids, gay and staying in the closet for now anyway

I can't speak toward coming out later in life, but I can say that I didn't think I would be happier after I came out. And I am. And most people I know are happier out of the closet than they ever were in it.

Staying in the closet is okay, if you feel like that's what you need to do right now, but if you start to feel like you want to come out and the time feels right, you should do so.
That might just free you up to live your life openly and maybe meet someone you connect with on all levels and maybe free your wife up to do the same. But again, I can't speak to your relationship or anything.

But I'll leave any real advice to someone who knows better than I do...

 

Hi,

What is holding you back? What can society at large do to you know?

Stuck

 

You say your wife knows, but have you ever discussed it? Have you asked her if she is really satisfied with the total lack of sex in your relationship? She is presumably a straight woman, after all.

If she already knows, what would be the harm in discussing it with her openly?

---------- Post added 3rd Mar 2013 at 02:07 PM ----------

(I didn't choose a poll option because I am already out.)

 

Perhaps you should attend some men's groups where you can at least talk about this with others in a non-sexually charged envirenment.

You maybe just need personal contact with others who are similar situation. And coming out there might be the only place you would feel the need to.

 

I am not totally out, but to a number of friends. Let me tell you coming out is amazing!

On one side, its not having the lie (thank you Stuck) of being straight to live with.

On the other, the world that opens up when you accept yourself, are open to others, and ready to live the life you were mean to as a gay person.

late but great for sure!

 

Hi,

It is not all Skittles and cake either for there is a lot of work in tearing down your hetero-normative outlook and replacing it with a gay one.

The lie does not instantly evaporate. The lie is engrained and entwined and needs digging out.

This is a function of time. Because we are older time does not oblige while we attend this task.

Why come out now? Life is short and getting shorter all the time.

 

I agree with all of the above with regard to that completely unexpected kind of lightness that happens once you tell others. Those of us who came out (at least partially) to others find it hard to describe (probably for lack of experience) the kind of joy that happened because of it.

You're still on the other shore, the bridge has to be crossed in order for you to see where you have been and to understand what a weight you have been carrying.

Unfortunately, we humans are far too ready to form bad habits. Habit by the way is another word for something you wear...time to take the mask off! It is a strange and beautiful liberation and, as Stuck said above, life is short (Kind David said life is "as a passing shadow") all too brief to live it in misery, we weren't meant to live that way!

 

I did not get to know those coming out things everyone talks about being so uplifting.

Since I have been out to myself as long as I can remember, I was never in the closet to me. And to everyone else, it was more non-disclosure of my sexuality rather than lies and cover-up.

I simply felt I would feel more at ease living in West Hollywood than Jackson, Mississippi. And so I loaded up the truck and moved. (note really from Jackson, and do not live in WeHo, just using creative writing)

So you see, I never got to make an announcement. But maybe I should at some point.

One place I worked at, the first day I was there I told an upper Manager that I saw the UK version of Queer as Folk, and liked it. That was my way of saying hello, I am a friend of Dorthy's. So I guess that is coming out right?

 

I can only tell you my story. I have been in a relationship with my wife for 23 years. We started dating when I was 23 and married when I was 27. Neither of us wanted children. I always knew I was attracted to guy but never acted on it. But those feelings and desires only grew over time and became harder and harder to suppress. By my late 30s they were nearly intolerable and so I turned to the bottle and drank heavily to escape. But things didn't change. To the outside world I had the perfect life - continuously gainfully employed, a steady, loving relationship with my spouse, financially stable, and a house in the suburbs with a white picket fence (literally!). But I was absolutely miserable. Then, when I was 43 on a business trip a cute guy hit on me at a hotel bar. That had never happened before and I flirted back and ended up spending the night in his room. It was the best night of my entire life. Suddenly I realized that although I thought I was having good sex with my wife (or, more frequently, my left hand), it paled in comparison to what sex with a man was like. The next six weeks while I worked up the nerve to Come Out to my wife were the worst in my life. Would she leave? Would she hate me? How can she understand as I don't even understand it all? But I finally did. And while she was deeply hurt about the infidelity and broken trust, she has been the most amazing and supportive person ever. And even proactive in terms of helping me find books to read and suggesting I set up my own email account, etc. We had a few more weeks of intense talks and decided to stay married and open up the relationship. So now I have safe casual sex with men, casually date men, but still enjoy the loving and supportive relationship with my wife. It works for us, for now. But I never felt any of that weight lifted from me or any sense of relief or good feeling from Coming Out to her, so I have remained deeply closeted to everyone else in my life. Just too much fear and inability to scale that incredibly high wall of lies I have created during 46 years of protecting my secret and passing in the straight world.

Hope this helps. The short answer - Come Out to your wife and start enjoying sex with men, as it is a truly amazing experience beyond description and hopefully your wife will still be your partner as long as it works for both of you.

 

You may be right that at a certain level your wife knows. But she may not want to acknowledge it. In a sense, neither one of you wants to upset the apple cart. You'd rather live with the misery you already experience than risk something that might shake the very foundations of your existence. But I doubt you would be posting here if you really didn't want to come out to someone. Maybe after you have posted here for awhile and found acceptance, you'll feel like you can at least sit down with your wife and have an honest discussion.

 

Iadsfo, it sounds like you have a great partner in your wife!

I am in the boat right now, where I am just barely beginning to get used to being myself in my gay/bi orientation. I haven't even acknowledged my attraction for guys, so it's all new to me. When my girlfriend is done with a string of concerts she is playing in the coming month, I proposed to her that we go out, socialize, and meet people. Maybe we will meet some great people - friends, maybe new lovers, whatever. Just going to see where life takes us and enjoy it. So I feel I am taking steps forward to living life a little more! Maybe it will help me to start talking to people about my feelings and sexual nature, which is what I would imagine the coming out process to be like. Just getting it off your chest, and building or even re-building a good network of friends. After all, in this short life, I think what we really have is each other, and I miss other people right now. I think I have been avoiding that because I structured my entire life around a heterosexual mentality, that seemingly wasn't me. So now, I can begin building a new building, that hopefully will be more pure and beautiful than what I was building before! This will probably have to involve coming out - but you can't rush the building, I don't think. One brick, beautifully placed, at a time.

 

Interesting thread. I didn't realize there are several of you that see it the same as I do or somewhat similar. It stands to reason there are many more than just the few who post here.
I considered myself bi most of my earlier life and first had sex with other boys in junior high. My first girl was at 18. I always accepted it, enjoyed it, never felt guilty or was conflicted about what to label myself. I am what I am, simple as that. In fact, this whole sexual politics thing bores me. I never felt the need to wear sexuality on my sleeve, shout it from the roof tops or march in parades any more than I would, for example, the car I choose to drive.
We married at 21, raised a family and now have several grand kids from pre-school up to college age. We are all very close. We love them dearly and are proud of them. I also enjoy modest status in business and community. Over the years my preference for adult companionship has evolved to men only. Women are attractive but I no longer have any sexual interest in them at all. My wife is still very much #1, aware of my mindset and comfortable with it. She lost interest in sex years ago when it was her turn to deal with with menopause so she's OK with me going elsewhere. She has said, "I know you need that". I think she'd actually be less comfortable if it were another woman.
So why would I jeopardize all that just to "come out"? I'm quite comfortable right where I am.

 

Hi,

I felt like that for years. That is how I got through 21 years of marriage.

Then there comes a point I saw where I really was. I thought I was comfortable but in hindsight I was on the ledge of a tall building. Behind me fire leapt out the building's windows. Below was a fire net I knew I would miss if I jumped. Sure was nice when I was in denial and I imagined that ledge was a comfy couch.

What brought me to realization was a friendship with a guy which showed me how empty my life is. A relationship with a man dwarfing what I had with my wife. I suddenly realized how I was cheating everyone and short changing myself.

This weekend I installed the disavowed meetup app and I learned a lot. For me is two things; 1) an uber meat market of the sexually preoccupied, 2) a haven for those in denial imagining they are sitting on a couch instead if the reality of being out on the ledge.

I suspect the realization comes to everyone sooner or later. Just like the guy in his 50's who suddenly realizes he is gay. Reality strikes, denial fades.

 

I can see myself in you when I reach your age. I know this is hypocritical to say since I am so far deep in the closet and denial but come out. Your wife deserves to know the truth and I know the feeling of trying to be something you are not just to please others and it's killing me everyday.