Ok, I know I should be moving past this but ...... :icon_redf Some of you guys know my story, but quick recap: I came out last spring to my wife of 15 years. She immediately accepted it and we moved cross-country for various reasons (in the process abandoning the evangelist conservative sect we had both grown up in). So, all around, a good gal. She's started going to PFLAG meetings in our new city, even. The other day, I come home and she announces to me ... Friday night I want you to pick out a gay bar and I'll take you there. I should add that I have yet to go to a gay bar; I was never into bars anyway, but I kinda have/kinda haven't wanted to go to one. So, my first reaction was "hell no!" ... mostly out of the embarrassment/humiliation factor of having my wife take me to my first gay bar. (I immediately had a vision of her asking me if I was a top or a bottom and then blabbing that all over! ) **deep breath** In any case, I told her that we should go. I'm terrified out of my mind, and I don't really know why? Maybe the crashing together of my two worlds that I kept in very separate places internally? So .... :help: .... is this weird? I should be congratulating myself on such a great best friend, right? OMG ... I'm literally hyperventilating as the reality of this is setting in .... I'm so lame .... **sigh**
Why does she want you to go to a gay bar? Why do you want to/don't want to go to a gay bar? Be honest with her and yourself! You might want to start with a meetup group like.... St. Louis Gay Men's Social Group (Saint Louis, MO) - Meetup You can meet other gay guys like yourself and ease into it. That's how I started. I am soooo greatful that is where I started. I just figured out I am a lesbian (3mths) ago, at 42. I was lucky to find a great group with an awesome founder who's open to talking and walking with me on my journey. I only recently went to the two local gay bars in the area with a member of that group for karaoke. I can now say that I don't really like the bar scene, but I do like karaoke. But it sounds like you already know you don't really like that scene...so why would you go? What would you benefit? IF you like me just needed to be able to say that you've been there done that, ok.... Do you want to pick up guys? Again what is the goal? Be clear what you want and why you want it. Just my two cents. Hope that helps some.....(*hug*)
Wow, I wish my wife would take me to a gay bar (she doesn’t know I’m gay yet). I once accidentally took her to a little, apparently straight, bar I knew and often went in on my way home from a jazz club, but unknown to me was that Friday night had a floor show .. A Drag night … oh how embarrassed I was, the bar was full of gay guys. Sale Gay Guy
If you have never been to a gay bar, you might want to check it out. I dont know St Louis, but at least where I'm from theres a variety of types of gay bars, so maybe you can find a place thats more your niche? Its awesome that she's so supportive of you, but I can imagine it might be awkward with her there. Some gay bars might... er, give the wrong impression of what the gay community is, and if she is like you and has never been to one, her good intentions might backfire. But thats just me being a worry wart. I think Lez gave beautiful advice and very good questions to ask yourself. Maybe you guys will have a lot of fun though, and you wouldnt know if you don't try. Let us know what you decide!
Gay bars are SO different. Here in NJ -- on most nights except the weekend, it could be any other bar. Well, with the exception that its 99% men. Other than some of the, umm, wall decorations, you wouldn't know its a gay bar. Ages 21 to 70. Its a very laid back, comfortable vibe. You can spend all night talking, you could find someone and hook up, easily, if that's what you want. On the weekends, well, its a different story -- with shirtless bartenders, events, including drag night, dance night, etc. Then there are gay bars nearby in NYC. You can find a dive bar that's not unlike what I described. And mega bars -- that cater to different groups of guys (twinks, bears, etc), interests (music, sports, shows). May I suggest -- pick a place, take a deep breath, and go in BY YOURSELF. Order a drink at the bar, pull out your phone (that's an innocuous thing to do and you won't be so nervous). Take a sip of your drink, then turn to the guy next to you, introduce yourself, and start a conversation. You can (and should) do this on your own. This is part of your life, not hers. GO FOR IT!
Hi, I agree with Lez and PeteNJ... Talk about emasculating. At least for me it would be. I would feel like my mommy walking me through the showers the first time in High School. Healthy boundaries in place? Stuck
It definitely seems a bit unhealthy that she is pushing you to do this. It's also a little codependent. There are lots and lots of people who are gay who never set foot in a gay bar. If you *want* to go then have at it... but if you don't, or have the slightest bit of discomfort about your wife being involved... then set a boundary and tell her you'll do it on your own, or on your own time.
It seems to me that it is a well-intended but misguided attempt at trying to be accepting and supportive.
Thanks for your great points everyone! I just spoke with her and shared your thoughts/concerns and also told her how much I appreciated her trying to show her support. She said she just wants me to accept myself and wanted to help me get comfortable with myself as a gay man. I let her know how much that meant to me, but that I would have to approach this on my own, in my own way, on my own time. I know how well-intentioned she was, but wow did it feel wrong! Thanks for helping me clarify some points. And thanks Lez for the pointers on the gay social group ... that sounds much more my style. I'm going to the next meetup they have here.
Hi PianoNate Wow! I can understand how this would freak you out a bit. It's clear that your wife's heart is in the right place ...but talk about awkward. A lot of guys find the bar scene intimidating (I don't particularly like them myself, but I am lucky to have a very friendly, down to earth bear bar in my neighbourhood and I do feel comfortable there). When I was first toying with coming out and meeting guys years ago I discovered a gay hiking group in my area. Since the group was based around walking and enjoying the outdoors for me it seemed a bit less pressured. It was easier to chat to people as we walked along, and the great thing about walking and talking is that for someone like me who finds making direct eye contact quite scary until I know some better it just felt more comfortable and relaxed. You have mentioned that you don't really like bars much anyway, perhaps there may be some gay social group in your area which is based around an activity you enjoy. The shared interest might help you to feel more relaxed and make it easier to interact with other people since they are not just a bunch of gay men, but rather a bunch of men who you share an interest with, and they happen to be gay as well (if that makes sense).
