Dads from previous relationships support group

Hey fellow fellas here, firstly I'm making this thread her rather than in family, friends etc because I think it is better suited but if it should go into the other category then please teleport it thanks admins.

So, I was thinking that maybe it would be nice and beneficial to have a thread going for guys who are dads from a previous relationship to have a dedicated place to chat, share, get support with other people in similar situations. Obviously this will be a very niche thread but I'd welcome people who have vicariously experienced events pertaining to dads from earlier relationships (maybe we need a name lol...).

Here's a little bit about my fatherly background then to kick things off and also my reason for setting this up:

I was with my ex for 4 years. We had our first pregnancy 6 months into the relationship; we were living together as she had moved countys and had discussed having a baby...it just happened a bit sooner than we expected. Unfortunately, we lost our first baby at 22 weeks due to a complication with a blood disorder my ex had.
That led to a very difficult 10 months of trying for a second pregnancy and fertility treatment. During this time we found out that both my sister and her brother (seperate relationships) were expecting, which made trying all the harder. However, we were successful around the time my nephew was born .
It really did go a bit downhill from there though as my ex had developed a great deal of paranoia with regards to my parents. During her grievance from the miscarriage she had become very withdrawn, self-harmed, low-self esteem. It was a trying time but I never left her side and we got through it. However, she did develop issues with my parents, which caused problems and consequently ended up with them having restricted access to seeing my son. I didn't agree with it but, at the time, I wasn't strong enough to completely stand up against her for fear of losing my son at such a young age.

That's the important bit of background out of the way. It's necessary to understand the next part.
My ex and I agreed to do our best to be amicable for the sake of our son when we split, and to an extent we have done. I have let her try to have her little jibes about what fantastic things she gets up to with him, where they have been, what he has done. I know she is grieving for our lost 4 year relationship so I am letting the things she says slide. I am just happy at being able to spend whatever time I can with my boy (who is 20 months old sorry for not mentioning that earlier). Here are a few examples of the knife-twists she attempts:
- saying that she is going to places we talking about going to as a family when we were a family (which is fine, why wouldn't she still go there) but when I ask if she had a good time there, there is always an excuse as to why she didn't go that 'planned' day with her friend and their children. Leading me to believe she is making it up...well she is but meh.
- She had a little barney at me the other day because I took him to play with my friend's grandchildren. Apparently I'm supposed to spend dedicated one-to-one time with him and he's not allowed to socialise with other children whilst in my care?!
- We had our very first arguement since we split the other night on the phone (I've let everything slide so far). I am attempting to build bridges with my parents and would like them to see my son, their grandson. This is a post for another day but it was the first time I have actually put my foot down with her and tell her that if I want my parents to see my son then they will do.

The thing that has really prompted me to make this thread, though, happened during an phonecall a couple of hours ago. I have gotten her a mother's day gift and card from my son and arranged to go tomorrow to take it for her. She called me earlier asking if I wanted to meet up and drop the present off and take my son to the park. This would have been fine had it not been going dark in the next 10 minutes (she knew this). Anyway I said I would come tomorrow and then she begins with her 'power control' thing wanting the whens and wheres because, apparently, she is going out with her very unreliable friend in the evening. I told her I will drop it in and let her know when I am going. Then I asked if I could take my son out to the play centre one evening this week after work. She countered this by informing me that she has joined this 'single parents' group and that they are very busy so she will have to see if he will be free. :eusa_liar

This felt like the straw that broke the camel's back to me though. I'm just so tired of her trying to maintain completely control and use my son as a weapon to hurt me. All I want to do is spend time with him and be the best dad I can and she is attempting to sabotage it at every turn. I'm so fed up of all the jibes and posturing and control-mongering. I am trying to turn a blind-eye/deaf-ear but it's nearly enough at the moment when I feel like giving in and it upsets me because I don't want that at all.:tears: I completely love my son and do not regret anything about him.

I'm so sorry for the very lengthy post but for those people who take the time to read it and share their stories also, know that you will get the same responses and respect for your stories as you have given me by looking here. Hopefully we can lift each others' spirits and have a place to just come and post if you are feeling a bit low with it at the time.

 

That's great thanks. I did wonder, upon seeing the new later in life sectiom, whether I would fall into that category. Makes me feel old lol sorry to the offense to thos chaps and chapettes considerably older than I. (*hug*)

 

Thanks so much for the support all. The main intention of this was really a bit of a 'circle of gay dad love' kinda thing but im so happy that people have shown an interest in what is my bit of a crap time at the moment.

I'll just clarify that, at present, there are no legal procedures in place as my ex and I would (although i'm doubtful at the moment on her part) like to try and remain amicable for our son's sake. I'd like to try and keep it this way for I don't want an atmosphere being created at my son's home whenever my name's mentioned if it goes legal but I will pursue it if, given time, she doesn't become a bit more co-operative.

I think, Jim, that I am going to have to sort something out a bit more routine. I was having him every other weekend whilst she worked but now she has changed her shifts, which messes it up for me. So I think i'll do that.

Thanks very much Pete. You're one of the members that came to mind when I made this thread. I really have taken her crap and let her think she is playing her mind games so far because all I care about is my son. But if dancing to her tune is going to cause trouble then I'll speak out like I had to the other night.

I did call by earlier though and drop her off her mother's day card and prezzies from our son (surely I'm not that much of an asshole to her then, you'd think).

Do you think we should make a specific thread under that title then? Where we can just drop in and see how thing's are going in our everyday father life?
'bi/gay Dad's chatgroup'

 

*thread revitalised*

My apologises for my leave of abscence guys. I ended up very swamed down with work on my training course and unfortunately it left very little time for anything else on the computor. Once work was done on it I couldn't bear to touch it any longer for the night lol.

So how are we all doing here? Lionel please feel free to share your experiences. I will shortly update myself on what's been going on but know that everything has panned out a lot better than it was at the time of forming this thread.

I aim to keep it going if possible because I'm sure there are plenty of gay/bi Dads who would like somewhere to talk.

 

Hey Greatwhale,

So sorry for the tardiness. I see where you are coming from there; they ex's get into a mindset that your were just 'playing the straight game' or 'experimenting'. As if we would just toy with people's live like that, especially children. You can't help being who you are and if you wanted to give it a shot, then what right does somebody have to say no? I'm so glad I got the opportunity.

Unfortunately, things have gone stale for me too and I put in for mediation a couple of weeks ago as I couldn't even see my son on his 2nd birthday due to false allegations made about me that required me to get the police involved. Got a first meeting at the end of the month so fingers crossed it goes well. I no longer fear that she can dictate what happens when I have my son so I feel better there but I just want something more official sorting out.