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Update on coming out to my wife

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Al123, Mar 11, 2013.

  1. Al123

    Regular Member

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    Location:
    Texas
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Well, this is an up-date from my before Christmas post when I promised to come out after the Christmas Holidays. I just turned 52, and having been married 20 years with 2 teenage boys, came out to my wife, parents and a couple of gay co-workers 6 weeks ago. It has been emotionally devastating for my wife, and very difficult for me. I really appreciate and need the support I have received from my parents and co-workers.

    My wife and I are still talking a lot even if the topic is often painful and bring us both to tears. We are still in the same house and bed. She is trying to be understanding. We are going to couples therapy, her to try to “fix” the marriage, and me to trying to improve our communication skills to make whatever future we have as amicable as possible. She has been going to her own support groups for spouses in similar circumstances. This therapy has been difficult as the straight therapist is not all that understanding of the coming out process and seems to believe the “I don’t want to be gay” thoughts as indecision on my orientation rather than a gay man caught between two worlds (the heterosexual marriage in which he loves his wife but does not completely fit, and the unknown gay world to which he fears but feels compelled to experience).

    Coming out to others has been an incredible relief. My sons have noticed that I am a much better communicator and I am connecting with them much better just in the past month even if they don’t yet know why. Becoming authentic and living without the lies that I have had for ~35 years has made me a changed man.

    I could not have done this on my own and appreciate the help I have received from my gay therapist who I am seeing weekly after my wife discovered my gay porn watching last October (in effect I was outed). It has taken almost 6 painful months to begin to come to terms with who I am, and to begin to think rationally of some type of path forward.

    The options for the future for us appear to be limited by my wife’s fairly fundamental Christian beliefs that we are married for better or worse for life; this is the worse part, and that I need to stay in the marriage and be faithful to her. I cannot face another possible 20 to 30 years in this prison of my own creation (even if it was unbeknownst to me at the time of our marriage—although hindsight is 20/20...).

    We are most likely on the path to divorce on a relatively slow timescale. She needs time to come to terms with new the genuine me (“you are not the man I married”), and only then can we decide how to proceed. The mental health of our boys is paramount, and we want to make sure that whatever happens in the future, we can show compassion for all members of the family and ease the pain in a very difficult situation.

    My advice to others coming out later in life is to look at Chip’s (EC Advisor) posts and read some of his suggested books and readings to help you understand your situation. I am so glad for this forum to help me understand that I am not alone in this.
     
  2. LoveMusicPoetry

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    Hi Al, I wasn't on here before christmas, so didn't see your original posts. I have been going through a very similar situation, although I am a bit younger than you and I've only known I'm gay for a relatively short time. It takes courage to come out in a marriage, so well done for taking that brave step. I know it sounds a bit crass, saying well done for coming out, as it feels like turning the whole world upside down, but still, my coming out conversation was the hardest I've ever had and I'm sure yours was too. Me and my husband are going to Seperate as soon as I can find a place to live. It's messy because I'm a joint mortgage holder etc but we are trying to work through things calmly and sensibly. I really do wish you and your wife good luck. I think you're probably right about the divorce thing. If you feel anything like the way I do, then it's inevitable. I truely hope that you can both find a way to move forward and rebuild your lives' for the better.

    Good luck

    Vicki
     
  3. PeteNJ

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    Wish you well in this journey. Your wife's needs are clearly not your own. Don't let her suck you into that.

    Going the for better for worse part assumes the foundation of the marriage works. In your case, that's not the case.

    I'm out now to my ex wife, my kids, all the close family and friends. Now its my turn. I need to take the reins of my life. I can choose to create something awesome, or sit on the sofa with the blankie and suck my thumb. That's not going to happen!

    All the best,

    Pete
     
  4. greatwhale

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    Location:
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    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I am gay.

    I am also 52, have three kids (2 are teenagers), and I am getting a divorce quite soon. I have not come out to her and won't until everything is finalized and I am living on my own. Perhaps that is cowardly but the divorce is trauma enough for now and I will not exacerbate an already difficult situation.

    I can't imagine what it is like to live as you are now during this transition, my heart goes out to you and your family and I hope to draw inspiration from your story as you move to become who you are.
     
  5. Italy or Bust

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    50 here, married, no kids, but wife has grown children, one of which lives with us, along with her fiancé and our 3 year old granddaughter.

    I've been out to my wife and and very few others as bisexual for some time, but have been hiding behind hat label, I'm beginning to see. I think I am actually gay, trying to live in a straight world, and doing a lousy job of it. My story is posted in this forum.

    Thanks for sharing your update, fellow traveler.