Tonight I went with my daughter (24) to see Silver Linings Playbook. Its the 3rd time for me. I identify with so many of the characters in this movie Pat Jr -- thats me this past year, not the same mental illness, but mentally ill with depression. his win at love, at life, that's what I want Pat Sr -- as a Dad, who has struggled to have the closeness I once had with my daughter, it touched me Tiffany -- broken in lost love, that was so genuine. struggling to be open and honest about what she really wants, though she's totally brutally honest in every other part of her life. And I got really sad. Its the 3rd time I've seen it. This is the first time I had this reaction. I am free now to move my life forward. My previous relationship is over. I've come out to most of my close friends and my kids, even my ex wife. If I hadn't been with a guy this previous weekend, maybe it wouldn't be so bad. I woke up next to him Saturday morning. Both my heart and loins were happy. Now I really want a companion, and love, and sex, with a great guy. Doesn't need to be in that order :icon_wink And being without that really does hurt. I've been texting/sexting with a bunch of guys on [phone hook up app I can't mention]. Actually several of those apps. All day I've been trying to figure out when I could get with one of those guys for sex. Part of me thinks its a mistake. The other part of me believes its part of the process. Just about every gay guy I know talks about their slutty period. Of course I think that's not me. But then, it actually is me. Maybe because I've come out so late in life it seems more desperate to me. And the need is so pent up. Like I really need to make up for all those years I was with women instead. I need to be affirmed. And really, I do f**king like sex with men. I don't think I have the patience to date and date and date. OTOH, I can easily have random hookups to fill the void and fill the pain. This hits me particularly hard - the weekend is coming up, and I don't have plans. Yes, I sure could go to the LGBT center and hang there. I don't want that, I want to have dinner with a guy, drinks, and take him home. I'm not feeling depressed. I am sad, lonely. And because I'm not depressed I actually feel it so strongly. What irony. Maybe because I'm out late but great, I have less patience. I don't want to wait, for what I've denied myself so very long in the lies I lived. I should be happy with having sex. Maybe that's enough for right now, without the trappings of love and romance. Part of me says its really stupid to deny myself that. I can't be the only one in this spot....
Hmm. So, I'm not sure that this response is going to be particularly helpful, but will throw it out there anyway. Just going off my gut reaction to what you've posted. To wit: I don't know if it's because I come from a different 'generation' of gay guys (came out in my 20s in college) but I don't see anything particularly wrong with being 'slutty' (slut? You say that like it's a bad thing!' As my friends and I used to joke). To the point where the tremendous emphasis on dating and 'only doing it with someone special' that is apparently the theme song here feels more than a bit strange sometimes. I have friends who have had sex with literally hundreds of guys by their own estimation. I have known guys who went to orgies. Which was fine with them for a while until they decided that wasn't fulfilling anymore and decided they wanted a relationship. Which they eventually found, but it took some time and some heartache. But from what I've seen that is pretty much the norm with relationships regardless of orientation. If it weren't straight society wouldn't place such tremendous emphasis on the whole romance thing and finding 'the one' and everything else that fills up half the 'chick flicks' in the theaters in any given year. I guess what I'm trying to say here is that there is no reason that I can see that you can't both hookup when you have the urge and also look for a relationship. The two are not mutually exclusive after all. The relationship is likely to take longer to achieve, and there can be lots of speedbumps and even all out disasters even after a relationship is found. But again, that's just normal life, whether you're gay or straight or anything in between. That said, I would also submit that an equally important thing to try for is to learn to be happy in, and by, yourself. In fact that might be the most important as I think of it. Too often, what I've seen, whether its in the field of hooking up or in the search for romance is that a person gets so fixated on achieving the goal that they tear themselves apart trying to do so and become so obviously desperate in the process that they actually start to drive people away (which runs counter to either of the above goals). With that in mind, I'd say that along with looking for a hot night, or a life partner, you should also be putting at least as much time into find things to do by yourself that you enjoy. Or look to do things that you enjoy in their own right regardless of whether or not you go home with a guy that night (and in some cases the thing you enjoy doing might end up bringing a guy home for the night. Or much longer). Finally, I'd also suggest that along with looking for hookups and romance and being good with yourself, that you also look to build a circle of friends (gay, lesbian, trans, straight, bi, whatever) that you can enjoy doing things with but would never think of sleeping with. Because having friends is always good, and having friends you can brag to about that hot Marine you took home last night in between figuring out who's bringing what for the Superbowl Party potluck is always a good thing My 2c worth, Todd
Thanks Todd. My challenge right now is to really be friends with the guys in my growing gay community, and not necessarily see them as hook ups or for relationships. I'm going with a bunch of them to a local gay bar tonight, then tomorrow in the city. So I think that's happening. I've been involved under the radar in local politics for years. Tomorrow I have a meeting to step it up a bit... personally I'd really like that. The whole hook up thing. I've been texting./sexting with several guys that I am pretty sure I could have sex with within 24 hours. I'm stopped by not feeling totally safe, I mean, other than a few pics -- never met them. And whose place? His? Mine? And mine, this is the house my kids live in (even though they wouldn't be there). Is that safe? Its no longer about discretion, since I'm pretty out now. But it is about safety. And I'm better at being safe than taking risks. (ANOTHER topic to explore with my shrink!) Hundreds of guys? I think I'd be happy with 10's of guys. Orgies, probably not, but a 3-some, I'd go there. Life's moving along fast. Thanks for the thoughts and support. /Pete
Hey, For me the sex would be a mistake in this situation. I have given it a lot of thought... I would need somebody who loves me, for him to take hold of my bicep, he would look into my face with that "I love you, everything will be alright, I am here for you" look with never a word exchanged between us, but huge emotional power. Then he would be smart enough to get me busy doing something to clear my head. That something need not be sex, just something together, really living. That is what I seek in this process. It is the emotional fulfilment and the sex is just the icing on a beautiful cake. Sex is a crappy foundation. When you put down the icing first the cake just slides off. I hope this helps. Stuck
IDK, hard for me to not want to repeat this past weekend :eusa_danc... And, IDK. Maybe that will happen with this guy. But I know he's not interested in a LTR. He's just out, too, and rather enjoying playing the field. We live close by, which of course means we're both looking at the same pool of guys. Of course, it could lead to a 3 way :icon_wink
Why divide people into strict categories? Just meet people and see where things go. Be open to relationships and friendships, and sex in the meantime. I sort of wondered, with your "third date is time for sex" thing. It just really doesn't have to be like that. Just meet people and get to know them, and see how you both feel. Some people will be friends, and some will be casual sex partners (and hopefully also friends, really--it's really best if sex is at least friendly, in my opinion), and at some point, you'll fall in love. Abandon the script, it doesn't have to happen on a schedule. Connections with people can be meaningful, even if they don't turn out to be life partners. I dislike the word "slut" because it implies people allowing themselves to be used without being valued (particularly by men, for whatever reason--it's rarely applied to straight guys or lesbians). It also implies being indiscriminate, just having sex with anyone at all rather than actively choosing you partners. Have as much sex as you want, with whomever you want, but don't treat yourself like you are worthless.
It sounds like you're already covering the 'making friends' base then. Which is a good thing If you're not feeling safe, you probably aren't going to have a good time. Which would rather seem to defeat the purpose. Actually, it sounds like I have been operating on a misunderstanding of the situation. I was under the impression that you were already actively...active...on The App That Shall Not Be Named and had met your recent date that way? I gather now that this was not the case. From what you've said a bit later in the thread he sounds like a FWB situation? Which, assuming you would like to continue to spend time with him, could be a safer alternative to just random cyber-hookups. If that is a path you are more comfortable with, then additional dating/FWB options might be pursued, based on your stated interest in seeing multiple guys. Note that I'm not recommending any particular path, just presenting options (Ok, I am recommending becoming comfortable with yourself and developing a circle of friends, but it sounds like you are already on one of those and the other will come). Ultimately you need to go with the course of action that you find most comfortable and fulfilling. As far as finding a relationship, I suspect that may come when you least expect it. But it will come if it's something you're open to (which you've said you are) Different strokes for different folks, I guess (no pun intended). They seemed to like it, but obviously its not for everybody. Thinking back, I think my 'track record' is somewhere around 10 guys or so. I had a tendency to engage in 'serial monogamy', which sounds good on the one hand, but wasn't so much when dealing with guys I probably should have just had some fun with and then moved on. Never been to an orgy either, although one guy I dated was interested in trying a 3-way. We never got around to it, mostly because I probably didn't have the self-confidence to give it a whirl. Nowadays I probably have the self-confidence but not the interest. My partner and I are monogamous in any case. Anytime Todd
By some twist of fate, five and a half years ago, I found a job right next to Montreal's Gay Village. I was already into discreet hookups but being there made it far easier. I consider it time spent in one dimension, sex. And I do consider that what happened was fun and necessary with no sex going on at home with the wife. I consider these experiences (uncompromisingly safe by the way) as a necessary but temporary stage in revealing to myself my feelings for men. At times I would come across a really nice guy, and we would meet a few times more, but always it became impossible because I never had the time to develop anything more meaningful. Now, after all that, and impending singlehood, I am focusing on finding gay friends and getting to know them in all the dimensions of their lives, including sex if it happens to feel right (and safe). After coming out, I am no longer satisfied with one dimension, I need more and I am ready for more, I'm simply at that stage. For now I have a friend with whom I can make love on a more or less regular basis and I guess that will continue for a while, I am keeping no timetable and making no promises. Life will happen and I will be prepared for more when the time and the person seem right.
Ive been coming out thru about 2 years now, slowly meeting other pride members, for me best would be LTR is what I like to think. Would prefer many dates, to get to know someone and him get to know me. Stuck Mistake (Sex is a crappy foundation when you put down the icing first, the cake just slides off)
