Gay men who came out to their wife: what unanticipated questions did she ask?

She will probably ask if you have cheated on her.

You might want to take a look at this: Stages of Grief. It explains how you, your wife, your parents, and others are likely to go through the 5 stages of grief to accept the truth about your sexuality. You have most likely been through them already. But it will tell you what kinds of responses you can expect from a person in different stages of grief. (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance.)

 

Why did you do this to me?

 

As a wife who came out to her husband my advice is you can't plan for her response or questions. You want your answers to be raw and honest in the moment. She needs to see your heart is broken too. Don't be defensive-let her be angry sad quiet whatever. Questions may take time- hours, days, weeks after she has had time to process what you have told her. Be patient. Hugs

 

Hi gaggarnoop

I too am getting ready to come out to my wife of 25 years after realising in my mid 40 s that I am gay. (You know each time I type "I am gay" it becomes easier and easier and I feel so much better about myself)

I have assumed that when I tell her she will be so overwhelmed and not know where to start looking for supportive information, I am sure she will not want to do internet searches at work. I am in the process of putting together a booklet of information that I have taken from the web that explains about human sexuality and that some people just don’t know until they are older that they are gay. I am also going to try and be as unbiased in my selection of content as possible and include information about wives that just want their ex-husband to boil in hell.

I think I am going to include some of the stories of older guys coming out to their wives that highlight the struggle we have in being true to ourselves but at the same time not wanting to hurt those that we love. For me the biggest struggle I have in coming out is that not wanting to hurt my wife who I have loved for so long. I am hoping that in reading the stories of other she will feel that she is not alone and this sadly happens to many wives, I think I recently read an article talking of 2.5 million gay men in China who were married.

I now this doesn’t directly answer your question but it may give you some thoughts. In addition I should perhaps research therapists / councillors in your area who are used to dealing with this situation and have the phone numbers ready.

Sale Gay Guy

---------- Post added 13th Mar 2013 at 02:21 PM ----------

Hi gaggarnoop

In reading your posts I am not clear how long it’s been between you starting to have the feelings of being gay and now. If it’s only a relatively short time I would hang fire on talking to your wife until you are at least 90% sure in your own mind.

Have you tried to build a picture in your own mind of what a gay / bi life would be for you, can you see yourself in a relationship or is it just sex. There are many questions to ask yourself first, I don’t know them all but others on here will help, before you discuss this with your wife.

Once you utter those words there is no going back … some guys have lit the fuse on an atom bomb, just be prepared for the fallout. I don’t intend telling my wife until I have my options worked out on paper first and I know what the best and worst case scenarios are … but I will tell her she deserves to know.

Sale Gay Guy

---------- Post added 13th Mar 2013 at 02:25 PM ----------

P.S. Check out my thread http://emptyclosets.com/forum/famil...aight-women-ec-who-were-married-gay-guys.html

 

You didn't know before you married me you were gay?
Did you just use me? (have kids with me for others)

 

I was bi in Jr High and never hid my preferences from her but also didn't make a big deal out of them either. And I never went in to detail about it. She knew I liked anal play and would occasionally accommodate me. As we got older her interest in sex diminished and became non existent. My interest in men increased and now I consider myself 99.99% gay. I haven't had a woman since the early 90s and have no interest in doing so. She knows this and is comfortable with it.
Questions? She is totally uninterested and couldn't care less so she never asks.

 

My wife asked: well, you can keep on living as straight with me right? like you've been doing?

It took a little while for her to realize our relationship had to change.