As the ties to the closet are fading away in my life, I am feeling extraordinarily lightened, free, happy. My journey towards self acceptance began with starting therapy, the EC community, and my local LGBT centers, with Coming Out and bi/gay Dad groups just 4 months ago. I pretty quickly realized that in order not to face my sexuality and to not have to live out, I put a lot of blocks in my way. Health/fitness Still dating women Having a seeming hetero life My kids My friends My family My communities I'm really proud to have worked hard on my health and fitness, going back to they gym with real intent - every ache & pain is gone. I'm much stronger, I've lost 45 pounds, I'm ready for a fantastic week long outdoors trip next month with lots of hiking, swimming, snorkeling, scuba. (and laying on the beach, too!) I looked at myself, and have really come to get who I was born to be. As well as who I want that man to be. And been open and honest about that with the woman I was formerly dating, my kids, my friends, most of my family. (still working on the communities, that's a little more complex - but soon) With freedom -- comes responsibility as well. To my communities that are supporting me. To the people who I've become open and vulnerable to. Its a continuous process. I can't just have a coming out conversation and be done with it. If I love someone enough to have that convo, and they love me enough, now I need to be there ongoingly. Its a two way street that's been opened. And then there's me in my life and connections with men. This is where its going to be a little bumpy, since these are totally un navigated roads. To say that I actually might be looking for love and a husband down the road. That I am open to gay friends, gay friends with benefits, and just benefits, too. I've realized that we gay folk are pretty damn social. We're good at partying together, laughing together. I'm still a newbie at so much though. If I ask a guy for his number, because I'd like to be friends, well, how does he know its only that. Or why does it need to be only that? Once I've slept with a guy, how does the friend part work? Or does the sex then lead to friendship? Or it doesn't? You can tell I'm a thinker, I analyze, I process sh*t. My shrink says (no, he doesn't really "say" this -- but I get what he wants me to think about and work on), that I need to move from thinking, to just plain being. To organically live out who I am, not pre think every step. That I don't need to "know" that its FWB, NSA, LTR -- just to be with what I'm living. And guess what. All the goals I put out for therapy 4 months ago. I did 'em all. Everyone. So its time for my next set of goals. I'm going to work on mine. I'm posting this -- to engage in a conversation about -- what are YOUR goals for 4 months, 12 months, 5 years from now. For me, putting them in writing, well, that makes it more likely they will happen. As I work on mine, I'll share them. Share your goals here. I'm betting than once you write them down, commit to them, it's much more likely you'll make it happen. Peace and love all!
Great post. Its all scary. Your ahead of me in process,I think. Its like being a "Born Again Virgin." I'm cluless. Still married but out to those I love. (that aren't homophobic). Taking baby steps.
Hi, My next step is moving back to my home state from Canada. Once there I will need to build a life from the ground up. From identifying resources, re-establishing 15 year old business networks and friendships, and finding a meaningful job just for starters. Add to that juggling young adult children and my ex-wife in divorce. Add to that re grounding myself as a gay man out of the closet. My hands are full and it is all up to me. A total "do over" at life. Stuck
Stuck: A total "do over" at life. Me: Yup. How close will you be to your kids? A major stressor for me. At center of the "What's next debate in my head. Wait to move until all are done with school?
Kids are the tough part. Thank God for Skype. Problem is I am not 30, I am not 40, I am over 50. In youth, youth is the asset. Now experience is my asset. Experience tells me I have laid all the foundations in my young adult children's lives. They are critical thinkers. Sharks amongst the goldfish. As I told our 20 year old yesterday "my role of overseer is done. You are an adult. My job now is to be your friend and offer the voice of experience when you seek it". I hope they seek both. I do not have the luxury of time and youth to achieve my "do over".
My goal in life is to stay focused on the real and the now. I want to live life so others may know it is not all that difficult to be queer anymore. I want to touch hose that struggle and attempt to offer solace and perhaps a word of love and advice. Nothing else really matters. I have always wanted to be a lover and I think as I have grown up I am becoming one. So mission not accomplished but moving toward it. Hugs and love. Nice OP Pete ---------- Post added 15th Mar 2013 at 11:08 AM ---------- Fen and Stuck Mistake, total do overs are not so bad. i have seen a few and in the end the finished product is very nice to see. hugs to you both.
Life goals? How scary...I try to be more the wave on the ocean, and be what my life needs me to be with all my heart at any given time. If I could attain one goal, it would be to come out alive. And that's not gonna happen. But all of that is a cop-out to the question. As a relatively out bi woman...but in a monogamous relationship...I think that if I have a *potentially attainable* life goal, it would be to come to grips with what I want out of my bisexuality: to figure out whether I can handle sharing a man with my partner. After 26 years together (during which we both acknowledged our bisexuality to one another), with a *lot* of conversation on this topic, I'd like to think we could figure something out. But in this regard, we're just as stuck as ever...so much at stake in every regard that it is paralyzing.
There is a book I have obsessed over for several years called "Living Without a Goal", by James Ogilvy. His main point, I think is that there are Goals (capitalized) and there are goals. Goals are the big ideals, those things people believe they are living for, whether it be the environment, or world peace, fame, wealth etc. and then there are the more prosaic goals, writing that book, starting a family, or building a business. His emphasis is on mindfulness and living fully in the present moment. It's not just the end result but the journey that really counts. Sex for example takes up a large part of the discussion, he goes on to describe that one can go straight to the act or, one can use the language of lace to both hide and reveal. Thus the journey to the act is itself more that half the fun. He talks of "sublimation" that sex is elevated to a higher plane by all the fetishes and other paraphernalia that make it so much more interesting. It's quite a shocking idea, living without a Goal, but it makes sense on so many levels, as it forces you to live in the only reality there ever was: the present moment.
Wow, what a great whale! Ty, that was what I needed. The book you cite sounds Zen-like, and seems to largely reflect my beliefs. By Ogilvy's definition, I would say that I try to live without a Goal (and I hope that by so doing, I am contributing to world peace), and simply be present and open to life. My goal (that which I would be pleased to accomplish in my lifetime, along the lines I believe the OP was looking for) I have already discussed.
Thank you for the compliment One thing I failed to mention is that much evil has been done in the name of a Goal, communism, fascism, radicalisms and fanaticisms of all kinds have their roots in the great big Goal...no thanks, I'd rather elevate, or sublimate, my regular ordinary goals by appreciating and even enhancing the journey instead.
One overreaching one: keep kicking ass. A lot of other minor goals that may or may not contribute to that one. Lex
