Hello All, What is the basis of the "silent treatment" in a long term relationship? Is it immaturity or something else? Stuck
I go silent on people when I feel like Im getting shut down when I try to open my mouth. Like you argue with someone but you get cut off before you can finish a thought because the other person is just louder/more aggressive. Like when I dont want to argue but I also dont feel like talking. This is a bad habit of mine, just shutting down to them when Im angry with someone. I would say an element of immaturity is there since its purposefully trying to avoid communication, the very communication that might solve whatever the issue is... :\
We haven't fought for 21 years. I gave her the news regarding ending the marriage. No fight, no degree of communication. I am waiting her out now. Day 5. I am trying to behave as normal as possible with one word replies from her.
I have been known to use the silent treatment, with the thought being that I want the other person to think about what they said or did or I don't want to say anything that I will regret later. I now have come to realize that in most cases it is not a good approach and have sworn off using it. If the issue is to heated, I will say I need a cooling off period and name a time when we can resume the conversation which could be 5 minutes or tomorrow but not an undetermined amount of time. I guess my point is it is not a good way to deal with things.
That is because she is shocked by the news. She probably never guessed and feels sick right now. 21 years of security and the rug has been pulled out. I am 40 and came out of a LTR in 2011 (not as long as yours and I was in her position) he wanted to marry a 19 yo woman to have kids. I was scared to death to be middle aged and looking. No husband to pay the bills, take care of me, etc. It is a real uneasy feeling and I was hurt on top of that. She may be going through some of the same feelings. In our case I had not been "in love" with him in years because he was so abusive. It was the best thing to ever happen to me and when she finds her way she will be ok with it. She probably will erupt in time and get it out. Then you may be friends in the end. Good luck, June
Stuck-Silent treatment is the worst. Be strong. I would be a wreck. Hey June- Glad you are in a happy healthy relationship. I am too...except for him being wrong gender for me. Sigh.
Wish I could tell you -- with my ex wife, it could go on for weeks at a time, other than the minimal needed to get in and out of the house!
Sometimes I would imagine it to be simply speechlessness. In other she might be in shock, or feel empty of a thing to say, rather than anger. But you would know this better than I. Sometimes when I am quiet, I am trying to be wise and think before I say anything, rather than have an outburst. Do you think she saw this coming, or you have shocked her? She may be in shock, that is all.
Hi, The one word answers I do get are in a soft, lost little child voice. Actually got a whole sentence or two last night regarding a gift card that is late in coming in the mail. She did say it was obvious to her I was unhappy. I have not come out to her, simply told her I want to end the marriage. Our 18 year old picked up on it last night at the dinner table. He said that the look on her face reminded him of a woman lost in thought in a chick flick. He does not know about this yet. She needs more time internalize this news. I really wated a different response. Stuck
"She did say it was obvious to her I was unhappy" Well then that means she is not totally blaming you for whatever went wrong. When someone is unhappy, then they are simply not happy. She might be blaming herself. So now do you need to let your son know your marriage is going to end?
There have been a couple odd things that make me wonder if she is truly happy... Last August I picked up an intestinal bug. In the middle of the night it hit and I lost more fluid than I would have thought humanly possible. It must have been a good one because I never get intestinal viruses. This loss of fluid must have caused my blood pressure to drop. When I got into a hot shower at 3am to clean up I passed out. I was able to call her as I went down. It ended with an ambulance ride and IV fluids. When they got my pressure up a bit they discharged me. On the way home she said "if you ever do that again I am going to leave you lying in your own filth". This was TOTALLY out of character for her. At the time I chalked it up to fear and being scared by the incident. In hindsight I cannot really rationalize the statement in any way. I cannot control catching a nasty bug. I would NEVER say something so inappropriate. I realize now that the low blood pressure from fluid loss and then the hot shower drawing blood to my skin which caused the blackout. I don't know how common an statement like that would be. If there is any basis to it other than fear I would have thought divorce was good news. I may be over thinking the incident. I know as a guy you deal with the emergency event and shelve the emotion, possibly dealing with emotion later (if at all). Emotion never adds to a situation that requires action. Maybe just seeing shadows... Stuck
