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Confusion

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by mikey34, Mar 16, 2013.

  1. mikey34

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    so confused right now i thought i was straight but never dated . i had a horrible incident w a girl the very first time i asked anyone out but it was a long struggle to do it too. I never really had a date. then a about three yrs ago i started becoming interested in men. i started liking gay porn and skype jo. Then i had this urge to join gay websites,but still having trouble identifying myself as gay. i have meet two guys for hookups. One is a reg and we get together once a week. However theres still a part of me that feels i havent given women a fair shot so was thinking about getting hooked up. i joined a few straight hookup sites but dont have the motivation to meet anyone. I check the gay ones more and lately pass by the straight porn for the gay porn. It almost feels like work trying to find a woman. does all this mean im gay and should just start accepting that and work towards that. I have limited experience in both gay and straight relationships .What should i do :icon_sad:
     
  2. Al123

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    You are going through the normal stages of comming out. With the insecurities of being gay amplified by our societal pressures to be straight. Acceptance comes with time. It took me over 25 years and now I have to unwind my marriage. If your hetrosexual desires are "work" then you should embrace your more natural desires. Only you know if you are gay or not. You sound gay to me based on the above post.
     
  3. Italy or Bust

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    It might mean that you are gay, but it is hard to tell from what you've written here. The hardest person to come out to is yourself, so some will say.

    I don't know your age and experience, but it sounds like a good possibility you are indeed gay. But that will be something you'll have to work out. Empty Closets is the place to be! The advice and support you will get here will be phenomenal.

    Hang in there, Mikey
     
  4. skiff

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    Hello,

    Very good answers above.

    I knew I was gay right from "go" but societal pressures and relationships with closeted men kept me in the closet. You are not alone for many men social pressure to conform makes their sexuality a slow reveal, or like me a trap.

    I hope to heck you are a young man and can avoid the mistakes many of us have made.

    The biggest mistake is the closet.

    Stuck
     
  5. mikey34

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    i didnt notice my age wasnt on there im 34, very masculine. Experience wise been with two guys no women. So maybe there wasnt this chemistry with girls because it just wasnt there and they could tell idk. thanks for the advice happy to be here . i think being able to call myself gay in my head is the first step
     
  6. Italy or Bust

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    Sounds like you know, then! Took me until 50 to figure that out. I hid behind the bi label because it was easier. But any sex I had with women generally required secretly thinking about men to make it happen. That should have been my first clue.

    You said you really had to work to get turned on by a woman; it shouldn't have to be that hard. Go with your instincts.

    Incidentally, I play hockey and have other athletic pursuits. I read your thread in the sexual orientation forum and see that you have added pressures of being an athlete. You aren't alone. Athletes come out every day. It will soon be a barrage!
     
  7. mikey34

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    so basically concentrate on accepting myself as a gay man. i always kinda wondered why guys were just hard at the drop of a hat to a woman and i had to almost work at it. I mean im 35 i would think by now there would hsve been this undying instinct to hunt and seek a gf but its just kinda there. So basically im gay, i need to learn to accept myself then i wont feel so insecure. When i was younger i fought my gay thoughts tooth and nail then one day i couldnt get enough. Yeah def checking out the outsports website and seeing as an athlete not alone and what they say about gay guys not being masculine finding out very quickly im not alone in that either
     
  8. skiff

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    Hi,

    Always keep in mind 8 out of 10 gay men fit none of the gay stereotypes. And a bulk of them are closeted. Every gay man except one I have ever known fit the masculine category.

    Also know being gay and accepting it doesn't mean anything about your sense of you needs to change. If you thought you were right handed all your life and the one day realized you were left handed, the only thing that changes is the type of scissors you buy. Same thing with being gay.

    Being a 34 year old athlete... Just means gay dating will be so much easier. You become the striking blonde of the straight world in the gay community. It is an asset, don't break too many hearts. :slight_smile:

    You will come to find being gay is much easier for it will come naturally.

    Stay fit.

    Stuck
     
  9. mikey34

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    thanks guys for your help decided to post a pic
     
  10. skiff

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    Hi,

    Check your privacy settings and make sure only registered members (or your pref) can see your profile image.

    Google spiders crawl all through this place daily. Only your privacy settings roadblocks them.

    You are safe with me... I don't follow sports at all. Just another handsome face in the crowd. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    Stuck

    ---------- Post added 16th Mar 2013 at 07:04 AM ----------

    Your dating history mimicked mine. Playboy never did nothing for me unless it was a hot couple and I wasn't oogling the woman.

    Your story is like so, so many others. Being a celebrity of sorts makes you a bit unique.

    I would bet you there are a lot more gay athletes than you imagine. Lots and lots of men trapped in lockers with double padlocks.

    Stuck
     
    #10 skiff, Mar 16, 2013
    Last edited: Mar 16, 2013
  11. Jeff

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    The only reason any of us have a hard time calling ourselves gay is because we have been told by some or many folks out that that gays are, bad, weird, odd, not right, sick, etc. And then the general insults, the ones heard by sports players, they all make it frightening to admit it at all.

    But once you get out there and see for yourself what gay men are about, one can see all kinds of shades to the gay population. The average gay man does not stand out and is not counted in the group. The closeted ones try and not be counted either. So we (used to) end up with only the loud flamers being counted as the representatives of the gay community. The count is skewed due to the invisibility of parts of the gay community.

    Now in these times there seems to be a larger group of previously undocumented gays being seen as out. Like never seen before! So the image is changing quickly for what a gay man is. Perhaps the changing image of what a gay man is, is helping you decide on what your first step should be. Maybe you are one of the beneficiaries of this new era of acceptance.

    I sense that once we get past the Supreme Court rulings this summer on Prop 8 and DOMA, and if it goes our way, which most think it will, we are going to see many more men like yourself who did not exactly identify as gay (and did not fit straight either), decide that they can be gay and be the same person that they were, except a bit more happy and relaxed about their sexuality. I sense a lot of divorces coming after June 29th, and new marriages as well.

    I am so glad to see this all boiling to a head, as I never thought we would gain any rights or acceptance. Other then the world wide economic slow down we are in, these are much better times we are in as gay men and women.
     
  12. bdman

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    As a teenager being gay was such a horrible thought it never even occurred to me that I might be. The signs were there but my brain would never make the connection. I never had any interest in women and started to force myself to date in my 20's because of social pressure. I also wanted to convince myself that nothing was wrong with me. I think those of us who went through this had a somewhat retarded sexual development. What I mean is we didn't develop naturally and freely as we should have due to a mental block. Then later in life it all comes together at a time when being gay is more acceptable. Suddenly we need to go through what we missed when we were younger.
     
  13. mikey34

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    thanks for the post , yeah it is just like that for me. Good to hear other guys have had retarted sex lives like that. So basically the fact that i have no drive towards women except the fact that thats what was normal makes me gay. Ive never been w a woman but i do know that when i turned 30 i started thinking its not a big deal to be gay and slowly started getting more into it
     
  14. bdman

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    So now that you are more comfortable. How do you move forward?
     
  15. mikey34

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    that is def the question on the table
     
  16. AKTodd

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    Hmm. One possibility is to consider your options (what things could you do). The other is to consider what you want to do/feel like doing. Maybe see where these two lists intersect and go from there?

    Just some random neural twitchings,

    Todd:slight_smile:
     
  17. Jeff

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    Well what you could do is simply keep your eyes open more than you used to, and you might see more gay men than you used to notice, and see ones that are interested in knowing you.
     
  18. mikey34

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    yeah i think its time for a boyfriend. I think thats what ive been looking for all along
     
  19. bdman

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    Even after a couple of years, this is still the question that seems extremely difficult for me. The obvious thing would be to expand my network to include the LGBT community, but I seem to fall in an age range where there isn't much available. I see tons of social groups if your over 50 and the bar scene when your in your 20's, but I'm in that age gap. I'm also not likely to move to the big city due to my job. I wonder if anyone else has run into this problem.
     
  20. mikey34

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    yes i have that problem im in a very very small town there isnt anywhere to meet straight people much less gay men. Im 34 so right there with ya man