I’m 32, living a new town, away from my boyfriend of 9 years. A month ago, when we were spending the weekend together, he proposed, I accepted, but the following day I completely broke down and told him I was confused about my sexuality and that I couldn't marry him until I felt more sure of myself. It was both completely shocking that I would say this out loud to him, but truthfully it was also something I knew had been coming for years. It was my deepest fear, but I always wondered how/when it would happen. I was devastated that it happened that way and still feel cowardly that I couldn't bring this up before. It was almost as if he had to force my hand through the proposal, and I just keep running through my head how awful that must have been for him. Since then, I’ve started seeing a therapist and I feel as though I am on my way to accepting myself bit by bit- in the last several weeks I have told a few people close to me that I’m very confused about my sexuality and this has been ridiculously hard/exhausting- and now that I’ve started all of this, I feel like I can’t really stop- I certainly can’t reverse what I’ve said, as much as I’d like to sometimes, and just go back to the odd comfort of keeping this to myself. As much as this is difficult for me, I’m equally concerned for my boyfriend of 8 years and my relationship with him. He has been very supportive so far, fortunately, but how can I know what the right path is? I don't want to lose my best friend, the person I depend on most- it feels like such a contradiction. I’d really like to rid myself of the self-doubt, guilt and hatred I’ve been holding onto for so many years- get rid of the ambivalence and fear that have guided my actions- get rid of my own internalized homophobia as well. For even if I end up ultimately with him, in realizing that I’m bisexual or gay, I want to do a better job at not judging those that I have subconsciously feared. I don’t want to be governed by these paralyzing feelings anymore, the ones that have kept me inside and alone throughout this past winter, the feelings that have made me self-isolate and worry what others think about me- The same feelings that make me physically stiff and personally cold…I’m working on it everyday at this point- I think this past week was the first time in a last 2 months that I’ve smiled naturally. But I still don’t know what to do next- and how to protect my boyfriend from further pain while still allowing myself to discover what I’m feeling like I need to explore. I’m afraid that I’ll ruin this relationship with him, but then just remain in this frigid, isolating situation without knowing how to built other real connections to other people…how can I move forward? Living in a new town has been good, in a sense, because I can have a fresh start, but it’s all been hard to make new friends while I’m still so confused and, frankly, just plain worn out.
Decisions always involve some kind of tradeoff, a loss for a gain if you will. However, we do feel losses more intensely than possible gains. The intensity of this feeling can be quite paralyzing. Maybe you fear losing the possibility of wanting to be with a woman? Note, I said the possibility of wanting to be with a woman... Having been through this, a moral question arises...if I am gay, is it appropriate to get into a relationship with a woman? If I am bisexual, then I must cut off my friendship with the man I've spent so many years with in order to explore what it would be like with a woman...But maybe it is just a decision about that one person: your friend of nine years who loves you so much that he put himself out there and proposed to you, despite the risk of a broken heart. No matter his gender, you have to focus on him, who he is and what he means to you, before making any decision.
I agree with greatwhale, but I'll add some of my own perspective to it. I just started coming out late last year - first to myself, then to my therapist (which I got specifically to help me through this), and then to some other people. However, I always "knew" that I was different, therefore felt it inappropriate to start any sort of relationship - that it wouldn't be fair to any potential girlfriend that I didn't feel "right" with girls and I knew that, but would be hiding it from her. Again, I'm saying that you have to focus on the other person in this relationship - your boyfriend in this case, and it seems that you're doing a good job of that by telling him now, rather than waiting for 10 years, when you have kids, etc. Good luck to you and welcome to EC! You'll find that we're a very welcoming community
Thanks for all your thoughts- I'm definitely trying to be really sensitive to him, it's tough communicating, since we are now long-distance for the first time..and the fact that all this is coming up now that we are apart is probably not a coincidence... Having the therapist is really helping me, by having an outside, supportive person, who I can talk to without worrying about the ramifications of everything I say to them- it's good to have a space to talk out loud without needing to feel like I have everything figured out. It feels really tricky when I'm talking to my boyfriend about my current feelings- I feel like I should know more/be more certain at this point...I guess if I'm honest with myself, I want to go out and explore what it would be like to be with a woman sexually, to truly know that, before committing to him...I'm just trying to work up some courage & take enough time to bring that up with him...I think the initial shock of my telling him all this is wearing off...last weekend I saw him again and he was extremely supportive/worried for me/us, which was more than I could have hoped for, but I'm sure there are many other thoughts/questions going through his head...anyway, thanks for your kind words!
Why would bisexuality mean that you shouldn't marry him? Are you worried that you might really be a lesbian? Is there uncertainty for you as to whether your relationship with your boyfriend is built on real attraction? You say you are confused. Are you certain about your attraction, present or past, to anyone?
Yea, I'm worried I might really be a lesbian, worried about my level of attraction to men. Although I do enjoy sex with him, something has always been not quite right when I'm intimate with him or any other guy I've been with. Yet I feel like I don't know how to trust my feelings/instincts at all- it's an intense feeling of ambivalence. I feel really repressed, in general- like I've been avoiding all these issues about my sexuality for a really long time...so my anxiety is super ramped up, now that I've started speaking out loud about my confusion to my b-friend and a few close friends/family members. I'm just exhausted all the time. At this point, my bfriend and I aren't technically taking a break, although I feel like I ought to ask for one. But I don't want to lose him completely, since at the moment the alternative of living without him is pretty miserable, but it does feel like taking a break is something I should do. This present situation can't last and he is waiting for me to tell him what I want...I wish I wasn't such a chicken about all this.
I'm so sorry Spring Azure things seem to be so difficult at the moment for you. It must be awful. I'm pretty sure things will sort themselves out one way or another eventually. Big hugs.
Hey im sorry you are going through such a tough time but whenever you are regretting all the things you have voiced out loud recently I can assure you had you gone ahead with the marriage without figuring this out first would have been worse. Sometimes things have to get worse before they can get better and perhaps this is one of those times. I know that the thought of losing him is horrific but thats because it is stepping into the unknown and deep down we all like our familiar comforts. Plus it doesnt mean that you wont end up with him. Also however much you feel like you are hurting him, marrying him for the wrong reasons would be way more painful to him.
Hi SpringAzure, I'm in the same boat. I love my girlfriend more than anything, but it gives me great pain to know that it "doesn't feel completely right". We are going to break up, I'm sure, but I hope to have her as my hetero life-mate. I wish I was straight, so I could be with her, but I'm sure we can find happiness at some point. This is all very painful. That's all I can say for now.
Thanks for all your thoughts about this- and for sharing your similar situations, it does make me feel a little better to hear that others are going through this, not that I wish this on anyone. Musician, I hope you are being easy on yourself (that is what other people keep telling me!), I'm also hopeful that my bf doesn't resent me forever or that I lose him completely and that I can just find resolution and live freely... I'm concerned I'm not being as clear about my conflicted feelings to him as I could be- although during our last conversation a few days ago, I brought up how anxious I've been about all this/my lack of sleep etc., so I think he's more aware.... I used to set myself a deadline- like, by the time I am 30, I have to begin to confront this...but really it wasn't until he asked me to marry him that forced the issue. I wish I hadn't involved him and when I get really freaked out, I'm worried that I've ruined him/wasted many years of his life...when I am less anxious, I'm relieved that I finally brought this up, and will not be on my deathbed when I reveal that I've felt so conflicted. I've always held on to things from my past for way too long, so maybe this is just one (big) aspect of that...
Just wanted to send along an update to my previous posts, which were over a month ago now. Last weekend, I went to see my bf (we have been currently long distance) and at the end of the weekend, we decided to take a break. It was probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do; just heartbreaking. But we decided that since I was still needing to figure out my sexuality, that the only way to figure this out would be for us to break and, for me, to date women. The first day & night after I was still in shock and completely convinced that my anxiety and depression was just going to continue as it had been for the past months/years. And then, after one meeting with my therapist, who told me I should allow myself to feel proud of what I did, I have been feeling SO MUCH BETTER!! I can't believe that I'm actually feeling relief and happiness! I'm still in the middle of figuring everything out (ie. how do I date women? do I tell other people? on and on), but the sense of calm and relaxation is enough for me to know I completely did the right thing. I'm just so surprised!! :eusa_danc I think I've been depressed about this for so long, so I've not really known what the alternative feels like. Anyway, I'm really hopeful I will become the person I've always wanted to be, now that I've been able to be honest with those closest to me. I'm still really sad about my bf, but feel that it was the right choice and am proud that I finally did this. Just wanted to share!!
Yes. Getting all this stuff out there is a huge step. A good therapist can keep you sane as you sort through your feeling, etc. It sounds like you have made a great start.
I'm proud of you too! What you did/are doing takes a lot of courage. I could relate to a lot of what you said. You're definitely not alone.
