Hello,was going to post this in the "coming out in later life"forums but as i'm not married or have any children,thought posting here would be a better option. I desperately need advice please.Where to begin..I'm 44 and i suppose i've always known that i was gay,since my twenties to be exact,but as i was quite content to be single and never sexually attracted to women,it didn't really bother me and i suppose my gay feelings/desires just went deep into my subconscious and got on with my life without any gay or heterosexual relationships whatsoever. But for the last few months everything seems to have changed,because inexplicably my gay feelings have re-emerged and they are a hell of a lot stronger than they ever were.I can't pinpoint anything in particular that has made this happen.Maybe i've reached a point in my life where i've got to do something regarding my sexuality. I constantly feel sexually aroused,have erections and masturbate regularly,i find myself eyeing up men on the street and TV,and watching gay films(not porn)on the internet and DVD and enjoying them immensely.Its like being a teenager again who is going through puberty.I'm also trawling gay websites and i realise that more than a potential irelationship i actually crave to be sexually intimate with another bloke.And i ask myself,is this normal or just seedy. There is something else that is troubling me slightly,i have developed very strong feelings for a male work colleague.He is 27 has a female partner and kids,and i know only too well because of them nothing can ever happen between us,but i can't help these overwhelming feelings towards him. He is kind and good natured guy,he doesn't have a bad bone in his body,he is really handsome with a smile too die for.I get on really well with him and (forgive me using corny cliches)when i'm in his company it totally brightens my day and nothing else in the world matters.We always have a laugh and have a good banter-indeed,certain things have happened that have made me think my feelings could be reciprocated,and that possibly he may be bisexual. One day he was kneeling down and i could see the elasticated top of his underwear and.......well you know what else,and i jokingly told him that he was flashing.Shortly after he came up to me,pulled his trousers down slightly so that i could get a better look at his pants,and dare i say that i actually did the same.On another occasion when i had my back to him he started to massage my shoulders,now it was only for only a few seconds but it sent my senses reeling and caused a certain part of my anatomy to go stiff.There is also man hugs,which are instigated by him aswell as me.Now he doesn't do that with any of our other male co-workers. Only the other day we were talking about(of all things)accidents at work,and he stated that if something happened to me he would go in the ambulance with me and hold my hand.Am i in love with him?I only ask because he is on my mind morning,noon and night,and in the morning as i stir into wakefulness i find myself having erotic thoughts of me being with him in bed. God my head really does seem to be all over the place,i just don't know what to do next with both my life and the work situation.I'm a gay virgin(in every sense of the word)and this is all new to me. I just have this overwhelming urge to come out,i'm sure a few family members and perhaps some people at my work suspect that i may be gay even though i'm straight acting.Not that it would bother me if they did think that way.In fact,thinking about it,if they did ask me "are you gay?" i would without any hesitation say yes. I really must apologize for droning on like this,but i sincerely hope that you appreciate that i just had to get this off my chest.I would be grateful for any advice/tips etc. Thank you.
Hi, What is the harm if you came out to him? He may be bi,he may be gay, he may be straight but you are obviously important to him. I would risk the chat. You are friends. But be warned, if he is closeted his secret is paramount to him. If you put the secret in jeopardy you will be dumped instantly. Have that conversation before you get too emotionally involved to protect your own emotions. Where is this relationship going to go? Be smart for both of you. Stuck
You don't say just how long you have been working with this wonderful and hot guy. It might also help to know how long you expect to be working with this guy. Because one needs to play their cards with some consideration here. I have been in this situation, and some that are similar a few times. And in general, nothing good comes out of them besides the enjoyment of the work. Even when these reach the sexual encounter stage, the aftermath can make it all seem not worth it. I have even at times set up little pathways and guard rails to make sure all their little hints went in the direct I wanted them too. Once I let a coworker get close, and we went to lunch a couple of times. He was closeted I could tell, I could also tell he very much wanted to get to know me outside of work. He ended up getting an erection that was more than obvious. I let that go and acted like I did not even notice. But the next time we got together, I made a move, and it frightened him off for good. It seems there are guys who want to take it to a sexual place, and can only handle it going so far, and so far is not all the way. Others can go all the way but only once. So I think that in your situation, this can only go so far. And even if he were to say that if he ever was to have sex with a man it would be you, that does not mean he would, or he should go forward. It's all good and fun play from their perspective, and they have no idea or clue that they could be hurting you with their fun and games. It is not just about him being married with kids. There are guys who simply cannot follow through with what they have started. They can not even admit that it was them that started it. So I would consider if you like this job, and it pays well, or do you hate it, pay sucks, and you are going to move on anyway. Decide your risk assessment, and if you are ok with him cornering himself into a place he knows not how to get out of, which would require you to move to new employment feeling like a fool. These guys think it is all innocent, and fun, and sweet. I usually get them outside of work with lunches, or workouts, or something. It made me feel like I was not crossing lines at work. It is very hard for them to claim harrassment when it happened at your apt. near the bedroom, and both guys had their shirts off. But I still do not reccomend going there. One of my coworkers I ever waited until he quit and we were not working together anymore. And it still could not work. The hotter the encounters got, the more abusive he became. He just hated the fact that we both had the hots for each other. And I could not take that no matter how hot he was. Work is another problem here, his relationship is another. The closet is yet another. You should enjoy it for what it is now, and not expect anything more.
Hi there This is somewhat similar to what I went through until I was 19. I had no interest in women (none, never, nada) and it never occurred to me except in the most abstract way that I'd have any interest in guys. And I had no interest at all in having a relationship (even the most anonymous hookup) with anyone of any gender. That worked fine until a guy decided to hit on me (and pretty aggressively as it happened). Then I had to do a bit of reevaluating. This is normal. I believe someone on here called it 'second puberty' on a recent thread. I think it's a side-effect of coming out to yourself and therefore allowing yourself to have these feelings. Enjoy it but exercise common sense and a certain degree of caution. Not everyone takes being 'eyed up' well... This is a giant potential minefield and you need to be hugely careful and perhaps even run the other way as fast as possible. I think you already see this on some level since you mention that he is in a relationship and has kids. It frankly doesn't matter if he's straight, gay, bi, or Martian. He's in a relationship and has kids. Beyond that, you are co-workers and bringing sex or romance into that mix can be *very* tricky even if you were very experienced with relationships (gay or straight). I know there are guys here who were married and had kids before they came out, and they can probably provide better insight on this than I can (and I'll defer to their greater experience and expertise in this area if they disagree with me). But you seem to be hitting every danger button in the book with this situation IMHO. I would suggest that you should work on coming out (to co-workers, friends, family, etc.), on 'learning the ropes' of being gay, and eventually seeking a relationship, if that is something you decide you want. The folks here at EC can help you with all of these things. But I would also suggest that you look elsewhere for either a first experience or a relationship. Probably not what you really want to hear, but that's my take on things. Hope this helps, Todd
Thank you very much for taking the trouble to write a reply. Quite thought provoking,and you do come away with some very good points that i've never considered before. Regarding the infatuation with my workmate,we don't really work side by side all day/every day,only fairly regularly.And despite that i really do enjoy my job. I guess i'll just have to find a way to work with him without my mind wondering towards any romantic thoughts. Thanks again. ---------- Post added 19th Mar 2013 at 03:42 AM ---------- Also many thanks AK Todd. What you(and Jeff)have said,has made me think a lot clearer and made me look at things from a different perspective.
Very glad you could come here and quickly get more perspectives on this. And I wish the future here was more positive. But I think so long as you are realistic about it all, the fantasies here are pretty harmless. Take care, and enjoy.
