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Should I let my guard down?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by SaleGayGuy, Mar 21, 2013.

  1. SaleGayGuy

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    So as I prepare to come out to my wife, who may suspect I’m gay – but I don’t know for sure, should I soften the blow by allowing myself to be seen checking out other guys?

    She already knows:-
    • I’m not interested in most sport
    • I like Lady GaGa and The Scissor Sisters etc., so does she.
    • I have had close friends who were gay or suspect.
    • I am not effeminate but I am a theatrical type having appeared on stage on over 120 occasions, mostly musicals
    • I am very creative, write poetry, and songs
    • I am gay friendly and often talk a gay couple next door
    • We watch gay themed TV shows together
    • Neither one of us initiates sex any more, she never did.
    • I am deeply depressed but she thinks it’s about something else.
    • She asks me things about gay terminology that a straight guy would probably not know
    • I have seen her looking at my eyes when a cute guy walks past or there is a photo of one on a billboard

    Sale Gay Guy
     
  2. RainbowMan

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    I would do anything that I could to soften the blow, but like you said, she might even already know, but most of the things that you mention don't have anything to do with being gay, or could be equally accomplished by a straight person.

    I know several of my friends who are straight who have many of the same qualities that you do. One of my straight friends is a musical theatre actor, another one who writes songs that are absolutely beautiful, and who are gay friendly.

    I think that a lot of things that you think that she might know by are qualities that any of us might have. For example, I'm a musical theatre geek, but other than that, fit NO gay stereotype. There are plenty of straight guys into theatre I think (though I could be wrong, and all of my friends that have girlfriends and are engaged are actually gay guys in your situation.....)
     
  3. Italy or Bust

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    I'm gay and love hockey. I am also restoring an old truck.

    Go figure!

    That said, I'll bet she knows, or at least suspects. The blow will not be soft, no matter what. It will, however, be necessary, in my opinion.
     
  4. Filip

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    Honestly, I doubt her noticing you checking out guys is going to soften the blow. In fact, the most likely results are probably the following:

    1) She might just not notice. Or not notice the significance of it. Unless you're so blatant about it that you're undressing guys with your eyes, but by that point it's only going to be more, not less, hurtful to notice.

    2) She might become confused. Even if she suspects, there's going to be a lot of rationalisation there.
    "Did I see him check out that guy? No, can't be. Must be mistaken. Or is he doing it again now? What does that mean? Is my mind playing tricks on me?"
    Basically, imagine all the confusion of questioning you got as a gay guy, but worse, as she can't read your thoughts. If gay people can rationalise away their own desires for years on end, imagine how confusing it would be for her.

    3) If she DOES notice it unambiguously, it will feel like she found out a shameful secret. That you didn't trust her with, and thought you could get away with, right under her nose. Which can only lead to resentment in the long run.


    I know why this seems tempting. Coming out is stressful, and it would just be soo much easier if someone else could just ask, or be OK with it before you tell, or even just peek into that closet door. But that's rarely how it happens. And especially rare when the other has a vested interest in not (openly) noticing.

    So, by all means, find ways to break the news to her gently. I have utter faith in your ability to do so. But being caught in the act of checking guys out is not going to accomplish that, IMO.
     
  5. skiff

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    Hi Italy or Bust,

    You love hockey and are gay!!! Are you sure you are gay??!!

    Sorry, I could not resist. Ha ha ha

    My father has three sons, two are straight and I am gay. Not a one of us has EVER sat through any sporting event. I have attributed it my Dad's 110% commitment to watching EVERY sporting event possible growing up on TV. If watching grass grow was was on ESPN he would watch it. Sports became equivalent of mind numbing boredom!

    Only way I could watch hockey was if I was laying with my head in your lap. :slight_smile:

    SaleGayGuy... You are listing characteristics that are pretty generic.

    My wife has always been impressed with my ability to come up with new song lyrics to popular songs and me singing them as a counterpoint to something going on at just the right moment. My kids grew up with me singing specific songs for the routines of their lives. It was fun. Now they just roll their eyes. :wink:
     
  6. SaleGayGuy

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    Hi All

    Thanks for the insight especially Filip, it’s always good to have extra brain cells to call on and learn from others.

    Sale Gay Guy
     
  7. Chip

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    The thing you have to remember is... if she's in denial, then you could do the most obvious, blatant things and she'd still stay in denial. People who are in denial will still deny even when confronted with incontrovertible truth.

    On the other hand, if she already suspects, then it is possible she's already started to come to terms with the truth.

    If you haven't already, please get a copy of "Ten Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real Love". There are several chapters in there that relate to the special problems heterosexually married gay men face, and Dr. Kort addresses very elegantly the issues that the wife of the married gay man faces, along with some concrete strategies for addressing it.

    I'm a believer that honesty, though it can be harsh in the moment, is usually the best approach. A sit-down conversation, a letter, something of that nature. It's never easy, and you have to be prepared for the almost inevitable anger (the 5 stages of loss are denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance) that will come... but in most cases, that passes, and then you can both set to work on solving the actual issues.
     
  8. SaleGayGuy

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    Thanks Chip,

    I'm working my way through the book at the moment. I would have liked more time to prepare but things are becoming unbearable just now, and I feel that I just want to get it over with. My wife is pushing me to take out an extension on the mortgage and I feel that it would not be fair to do this without coming clean about our future together.
    Last week was her birthday so I didn’t want to spoil that, this week it’s her dad’s birthday so I don’t want to mess that up and we will be married 25 years in a few months’ time and I feel it wouldn’t be right to go into the next 25 years living a lie. So I am being pressured by external timetables if I want to come out now.

    The alternative is to delay another year when hopefully some of the other pressures in my life have subsided, but then I will be another year older and I have missed out on so much as it is.

    Sale Gay Guy
     
  9. skiff

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    There is ALWAYS going to be something to make it easy to push off actually coming out.
     
  10. photoguy93

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    You may be able to soften the blow, but it's still going to hit. They have perfected the airplane and landing techniques for years, but it still makes a bump upon landing.

    Either she's in denial OR she suspects it. Actually, she could be doing both. I know we aren't suppose to follow stereotypes here, but you definitely follow a shit ton of them. If anything, I wonder if someone has talked to her about it. If I heard of the situation, I would immediately think "that's a friend of Dorothy!"

    You know her - how long have you been together? You're the best judge of the situation. Even though I've kind of rambled on, it doesn't make a difference rather or not she already knows or not. This is 50 percent about you and 50 percent about her.

    Good luck!
     
  11. SaleGayGuy

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    In 25 years my wife has never asked me if I am gay and her best friend, who has also known me for 27 years, is a “self-proclaimed expert” on all matters gay having either worked closely with a gay guy or worked in a gay bar I can’t quite remember. I think we are in a “Don’t ask, don’t tell” situation.

    Photoguy93: Yes I guess some of those things I do are a bit stereotypical but to offset them I also used to go mountaineering for many years, took part in orienteering competitions at a national level, served in the Air Force, and worked in the mining industry. So I guess a whole bunch of conflicting indicators.

    Thanks for the advice again. I shall think a little longer.

    Sale Gay Guy
     
  12. Cool Bananas

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    You know the more you think about it the more you think of the negatives will you just hurry up and tell her, it almost feels like you are delaying the inevitable.

    It will take a huge weight off you.

    But I also can understand the reasons why you haven't said anything to her.

    Ok, I will get off my soap box now.
     
  13. Chip

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    It's always hard to take the plunge. Brené Brown talks about how the fear of walking into the darkness and facing our demons is nearly always worse than the actual act of doing so, and I believe that's particularly true in this sort of situation.

    As others have said, there are plenty of reasons, and you'll always be able to find more, *not* to tell her... but you know that you owe it to you and to her to do so. I'm inclined to agree that you need to take a deep breath and just go for it. It's one of those things that, as soon as it's over, you'll be able to take a deep breath.

    That isn't to say there won't be repercussions... but you'll be on the way to living the life you want, and she to the life she deserves.