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I think I may be an oddity even here...

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Femmeme, Mar 21, 2013.

  1. Femmeme

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    Firstly, hi! This is my first post here, forgive me for skipping the intro forum, but I wanted to jump directly in with the people most likely to "get" me.

    I'm 37 years old and still confused about my sexual orientation. It seems like it should be easy doesn't it? Just go for whoever gets you hot, what could be simpler than that?

    I came out to my friends as bi at 15, My mother though liberal and a feminist was pretty homophobic so I decided to wait till I went away to college to really explore my attraction to women and kept dating boys... while trying my best to ignore the fact that I didn't seem as thrilled by them as the rest of the girls I knew.

    When I got to college the first thing I did was join the gay student union. I went out of my way to meet lesbians (like hanging out with the girls rugby team even though I hate sports) but I was never really accepted... plenty of other people IDed as bi, but because I was so traditionally girly I got dismissed as "bar-sexual" or a wanna be college lesbian. I dated one girl in college, it was a small school and she was literally the only queer woman there that considered me datable. I was viewed with suspicion and distrust. While so many other girls IDing as bi, dated and explored and came to accept themselves and come out as lesbians I got told I was "probably really straight... or just slutty."

    I got sick of the abuse and went went back to dating guys... sort of. See the guys I dated were cross dressers and/or closeted trans folk. That trend has continued all my life, all of my emotionally significant relationships have been with particularly feminine men.

    The irony here is that the only people I've ever been genuinely, immediately attracted to are butch women. The blushing when you look at them? Butterflies in the stomach? Electricity dancing on your skin? Always and only for masculine of center women... but they never seemed to take me seriously or believe I was queer so I went for the next best thing, femme-ish guys. Those guys and I deserve better than "good enough."

    I'm a single mother by choice (via yet another fem-ish bi-dude who was happy to do the deed and sign away his parental rights. After becoming a mother I was single and celibate for 7 years. I started dating again, and without even trying ended up with yet another guy that ended up coming out as trans after we broke up...

    So I am facing myself. I honestly think if weren't for the combined forces of biphobia and femme invisibility I would have come to ID as a lesbian many years ago. Over and over the world has tried to tell me I'm straight... and I've tried to believe it I held on the the Bi ID because it was at least closer to the truth. Even when my attractions and fantasies disagreed.

    Maybe I'm just a freak? I don't know. What I do know is I'm starting to take this one day at a time. So today I will look at myself in the mirror and say "I'm a lesbian." Even if I don't tell anyone else, even if nothing else in my life changes, even if I can't say it tomorrow.
     
  2. Munyal

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    I don't think you're a freak, if that counts for anything. And I think it is sad that even those in the LGBT community just assumed you weren't a lesbian because you don't fit in a traditional stereotype. What I did to accept myself, and by extension have others accept me as well, was tell myself every morning right after I woke up what my sexual orientation was. This bolstered my self-confidence, so maybe it will help you too.

    Also, :welcome: to EC!
     
  3. Femmeme

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    Thank you. It counts for a lot.

    It feels pretty silly that this is so hard, even now. I'm an adult. I've never married so I don't have to face coming out to a spouse or divorce or custody battles. My friends are all liberal and ally's (or queer themselves) So what am I afraid of?

    I mean aside from feeling rejected by the LGBTQ community again... <sigh> here's hoping things have changed since the 90s. :wink:
     
  4. Ianthe

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    Hi, Welcome to Empty Closets!

    You are so completely my people. I also find the femme boys sort of almost attractive--they have aesthetic appeal, for me. It just isn't quite sexual. But I've never really developed romantic or sexual feelings for anyone other than masculine women.

    I'm going to come back a little later, because I have more to say, but I wanted to welcome you right away. :slight_smile:
     
  5. Femmeme

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    Ianthe THANK YOU! Both for calling me your people and the quick welcome. I look forward to hearing more from you! :slight_smile:
     
  6. PianoNate

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    Hi and welcome!! come on in, the water's fine! :smilewave

    Hey lookie! we're both 37! I find your post fascinating reading ... even though we have had very different journeys (and you like innies, and I like outies :thumbsup:) I find a lot of similarities. That feeling of disconnection to the gay community for one. And the sense of finding yourself at this age ... I totally get that too.

    Anyway, EC has an incredible wealth of support and knowledge; hope to see you around and taking advantage of it.
     
  7. skiff

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    Welcome.

    The only thing I can add is that you are the owner of your identity, don't give up control. Otherwise you become a marionette dancing to somebody else's tune. Usually a dance you don't care for.
     
  8. Ianthe

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    I don't think you are very confused at all. Your post is pretty clear actually: you are attracted to butch women, more or less exclusively. You've just been letting people talk you out of it for your whole life. So stop that.

    I'm much the same, and I totally understand. The way people act, it's as if attraction to butches were somehow just illegitimate. But even my first big crush in high school was on a girl who wasn't out at the time, but who was always pretty butch anyway, even with her long hair, and who is now a very butch, very out lesbian. When I was in fourth grade and the other girls were all crazy over the New Kids On The Block, I thought that was boring, and instead, I was obsessed with a series of books about a girl who disguises herself as a boy to enter night training, the third book of which is called The Woman Who Rides Like a Man. I've been very consistent.

    One of my favorite things to do when I feel like my sexuality is being invalidated is to watch this wonderful spoken word piece by Ivan Coyote. (As a bonus, she's sooo hot...) [youtube]2Q7IzwUa_kI[/youtube]
     
  9. Kay

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    Femmeme, Nice meeting you. Welcome to EC. Ianthe says so much in post #8
    You have allowed people to push you out of your groove. You knew early on that you were not straight
    At this time you allowed your mother to move you away from your truth without saying a word. You were 15 and called yourself BI. Some consider the safe route until they are sure. You never explored who you were. In a way you stunted your growth. You say
    Here is where you might have been exploring and finding your sexual truth but again because of mom you allowed the unspoken words to move you away from searching and seeking. Ianthe's words come around again
    By the time you got to college and in with the women who had been out for years or at least dating but hiding you were a newbie. No experience college lesbian. Just curious and well "I don't want to be her experience" a butch would say. They would walk away because you were new to the game. It is time to stop and say hey I am a lesbian, I am a dyke, I am queer and begin to live the life. You don't need to have sex with a woman to be a lesbian. You need to be attracted to women and prepared to act on it. It is time to stand at the mirror and "Put your boxers on," not literally. It is time to stop thinking you are a freak and step up to the plate love and be the creature you were meant to be at 15 when you could only say bi. Say lesbian everyday and the the ladies will find you if you don't find them first. Hugs and a whole lota love
     
  10. LionsAndShadows

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    Hi
    Thanks for your post. And, no, you are not a freak.
    Whilst my experience of life is no doubt different to yours we have one thing in common. We don’t feel we fit into the straight world (because we are not straight), nor do we seem to fit into the LGBT (i.e. non-straight) world.
    This has been a big challenge for me. Although I am so lucky to have a wonderful partner, there is a part of me that wants society or community with like-minded (i.e. not-straight) people. Yet, whenever I’ve tried to access that not-straight world I have found it as alienating as the straight world.
    So I find myself marooned on an island all my own (and my partners).
    I have yet to work out how to de-maroon myself.
    Malc
     
  11. Femmeme

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    Thank you all!

    Ianthe that made me cry like a baby, and then rush to amazon to add all of her books to my shopping list. I am now harboring the most ridiculous crush on Ivan Coyote.

    Kay, you're right. I know you're right. I just feel like an idiot. I'm more shamed that it's taken me this long than anything else... I was a women's studies minor FFS! I was a Riot Grrrl. This isn't suppose to happen to women like me. I feel weak and pathetic and like I've failed at everything I was supposed to be standing for.

    I'm not really sure what my next step is... maybe that's ok? Step one was posting acknowledging my truth and speaking it to myself. Step two was posting it here, and I can't tell you all how glad I am that I did.

    Thank you all, for listening, for relating, for your kindness and the kick in the ass!

    <3
     
  12. Ianthe

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    Yeah, she's great, right?

    I think your next step is to choose one person to come out to. Is there someone you could tell?
     
  13. Femmeme

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    I'm going to have to think about that.
    I'm pretty sure my best friend at least suspects. She's said things that hinted in that direction over the years has insisted on taking me to a gay bar a few times (she's straight.)
    Most of my friends are super liberal artsy types, and when I've skirted the issue in the past I usually end up listening to a rant about how labels are unnatural.
    There is one lady from my circle that seems to have had a similar path in life, the idea of asking her to have coffee and talk to me has crossed my mind, but I don't know her very well and I don't think I'm brave enough to actually do it.
     
  14. Ianthe

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    It really sounds like you could pick almost anyone and they'll be okay with it.

    If they rant about "labels" being unnatural, ask them why it's unnatural for sexuality but not for, you know, everything else in the world. I mean, we have words for everything and we use them. What makes sexual orientation any different? Not having a "label" has led to you basically deceiving yourself for decades. It absolutely matters that your attractions are really only to butch women, and never to men. And once you have clarified that in your mind, why would you not use the word that means that?

    Knowing that you are a lesbian means that you need to go out of your way to meet women. If you are bisexual, you can perhaps afford to just take life as it comes and see who you meet. That hasn't worked out well for you, because you aren't really attracted to men.

    Just because "labels are for soup cans" is the party line these days, it doesn't mean you have to agree with it. I don't. I would talk about identities, rather than labels, but still, I think they matter. They are just words that refer to sexual orientation. When you have your feelings about it clear in your mind, there is no reason not to use the word that most accurately describes them.

    Your best friend sounds like a pretty good candidate to me.
     
  15. Lez

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    You are not alone. I've been thinking myself an oddity for just figuring out I'm a lesbian at 42. Never dated, been in a relationship, sex, etc. I'm having to figure everything out as I go. If you are a freak, so am I...:slight_smile:
     
  16. Femmeme

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    Hi Lez. Thank you. Being on this forum is helping me so much... reading others stories and finally getting it through my thick head that I'm not alone is pretty fantastic. I'll admit that I spent most of yesterday locked in a dark room nursing a massive stress headache, and I haven't really slept much in the days since my original post... but I'm slowly beginning to relax and look forward to what my life can be now that I'm being honest. The idea of having a lover that I can share the type of deep emotional bond that I've only ever had with female friends... that idea compels me forward. Hugs to you!
     
  17. BBird75

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    Hi Femmeme,
    I started my coming out process last year, when I was 37, too. It seems there are a few of us about! Not so freaky (??!)
    Actually, I also was out as bi in my early twenties, and went back 'in', or conformed to social norms, maybe, as a result of being a mother, and wanting to bring my son up 'properly'. (naive, too!)
    SO much happier and at ease with myself now. Still on the journey though!! :slight_smile:
    Bluebird
     
  18. newgirl31

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    Oh man, that video brought me happy tears Ianthe! Thank you.

    And belated welcome Femmeme! I can relate to so much of what you shared here and other places. (*hug*)