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If only I'd been more honest 10 years ago...

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by BMC77, Mar 22, 2013.

  1. BMC77

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    This is less a question, and just some thoughts about my situation. But it may resonate with others here....

    One of my thoughts recently has been if only I'd been more honest 10 years ago. At that time, it should have been abundantly clear that whatever my sexual orientation might be, it sure isn't "straight." Even the most obtuse idiot should have been able to figure this one out. Denial is quite powerful.

    Past honestly with myself, I wish I'd been honest with others. Ten years ago, I remember denying to a friend that I had any sort of sexual attraction to men. Not just once, but twice on different occasions a year or so apart. At that time, it was the road of least resistance--it was pretty clear that my friend had some homophobia.

    Now, I regret taking that road of least resistance, because in hindsight--always 20/20--it would have been a lot easier then than now. Particularly since in the years since that event my friend has taken an apparent sharp turn towards the more conservative, which has included a decreased acceptance of LGBT. It also doesn't help that this friend currently has connections with other people in my life, and could create problems for my work, and also in other parts of my life. Perhaps I'm paranoid, but after having been stabbed in my back by family more than once, I've come to embrace a touch of paranoia.

    Of course, I realize that the past can't be changed. The only thing I can do is move forward. In this case, I need to start establishing the groundwork so that when the "news" hits, the damage will be minimal.
     
  2. Ianthe

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    I don't recommend this particular friend as being one of the first you come out to. Pick someone else.

    By the time you come out to him, it might be best if you were just ready to be out.
     
  3. skiff

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    It's all in the the rear view mirror now. Eyes on the road to stay out of the ditch.

    If you weren't ready 10 years ago you simply were not ready.

    I was listening to an "intellectual" talking about Hitler and Mussolini while i sipped my coffee and how it wasn't the "people's" fault for what they did. Of course it was the people's fault they allowed it. Those people initially took the path of least resistance which plunked them in hell.

    You own your actions of ten years ago, right or wrong. Learn the lesson and move forward. Don't dwell on it for you have learned the lesson of the path of least resistance.
     
  4. BMC77

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    I agree. As things stand, this friend will probably be one of the last to learn. Maybe just in time for a wedding announcement? (Assuming I ever meet that special someone.)

    ---------- Post added 22nd Mar 2013 at 09:54 PM ----------

    True enough. One of my flaws is that I am too conscious of the past and past mistakes sometimes....
     
  5. Jeff

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    Well you are a thinker, and are being careful now. This is a good thing imo.

    And 40 is the new 30 in case you did not know. So you are not old by today's standards.

    Very good that you are planning your future, and know who you are, and you know who your friends are as well.

    You'll be fine.
     
  6. Biotech49

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    I didn't come out until recently and I did it because I had support from lesbian friends who immediately welcomed me into the lesbian community. Had I been honest and open when I actually knew I was on "the other team" I think I probably would have been blacklisted and later, would have been fired as a teacher. It was time when it was time. I had to let go of the anger and forgive myself for being a "homophobic" pentecostal type Christian. You know, someone said that the most vehement homophobes are actually the gayest. Hee hee...
     
  7. Homosexual

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    there are probably many complex reasons that you did not come out 10 years ago so I wouldn't be so hard on yourself for not outing yourself back then. Don't criticize your past actions or inactions for any other reason than to help make better decisions in the future. I should know, I wonder if I should have went a different way than I did myself years ago. Don't beat on the path you took, it's the only one it turns out that you could've taken giving that your past helps define who you are. You were what you were and now you should only consider what you are and might be. It's not "no regrets" it's "no damaging regrets". Good luck.
     
  8. SleeplessS

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    My ex wife came out when she was 48. Living in the closet for so long caused her to develop depression, agoraphobia and anxiety. It crippled her. I cannot imagine what it must feel like, despite being christian myself I never really was too...I don't know how to call it, aggressive towards the idea I guess. One thing I can tell you is it's never too late to start living the life that you want. You live every single day and every single day matters, whether in the closet or now - remember that.
     
  9. allnewtome

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    I feel you..I seem to focus to much on wasted time or what could've been. But, then again I still seem to struggle with just who exactly I am.

    I sent a drunken coming out email five years ago and almost instantly recanted with some big lie about how my email had been hacked and blah blah and at times I think I should've just stuck with it but then a year later I met and fell in love with a woman...so who knows I'm just doing my best to not dwell on the time behind me and try to not waste the time ahead.
     
  10. MixedNutz

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    This is the story of my life. If I had been honest 10-13 years ago I probably would have not have struggled as much as I have. The best thing to do is have a plan and I support system.
     
  11. PeteNJ

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    I had a "10 years ago" point in my life too -- when I should have really come out.

    Didn't and ended up back in a relationship with a woman.

    So, I'm out now -- there are plenty of men to date, laughs to be had, and pleasures to be shared. Couldn't be better!
     
  12. LateRobert

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    Hi Mate,

    So true. I beat myself up so many times saying IF ONLY... and I have so many endings for it.
    I am 10 years older than you and THINK I finally have the courage to come out now. I hope that once I am out most of this daily anxiety goes away.
     
  13. Stoical

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    Heh, I've been thinking along these same lines lately. I'm glad I'm not the only one at least. :slight_smile: Guess it just shows that it's time to break the cycle and start dealing with these feelings.
     
  14. lionel

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    Or 10 months ago, or 10 weeks ago, or ten days ago..... Shoulda , coulda , woulda. Peace
     
  15. Dalmatian

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    Yep, ten years ago I should have known. Actually, twenty years ago I should have known. It would have been a whole different, I think better life. All these kids around (nhf) amaze me with just how much they understand and accept themselves.
    But, it's as lionel says: shoulda, coulda, woulda :slight_smile: If I'm honest with myself, if things were just a little different, I could have now been in a straight marriage, which I'm fairly certain would be a constant battlement with inexplicable depression and anxiety.. so, it could be better, it could be worse. Lets just try to make the best of it.
    Or at least that would work if we could look at things objectively.. oh well :slight_smile:
     
  16. skiff

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    I don't know if honesty has a lot to do with it.

    I agree with author Joe Kort... Due to the lack of positive role models gays can relate to gays are on their own. There is no societal hand to steer gays down successful relationship paths. Without some societal guidance individuals make mistakes. Mistakes can compound.

    Look at straights, their entire lives spent awash in positive straight relationship role models.

    If I plunked a Lear Jet in front of you and told you "fly" with no training what will the outcome be?

    I knew I was gay and made the mistake of hetero-marriage seeking the long term relationship I believed impossible among gay men. There was no role model to say "don't look for an LTR among closeted gays". Nobody to biff the back of my head and say "duh! You are shopping the emotionally unavailable for a LTR". So I screwed up.

    That is the honest truth I believe.
     
    #16 skiff, Apr 12, 2013
    Last edited: Apr 12, 2013
  17. BMC77

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    Like Damatian, I'm amazed by the kids of today. But the world they live in as a teenager is often so much different than the world I lived in as a teenager. It can be more accepting. My old high school had (as far as I know) 0 out of the closet gays in the 80s. Today it has a GSA, and, I may be wrong, but I think I heard that someone high in the student government recently was openly gay.

    Like Skiff says, there have historically been few positive models in society. There have also been a ton of negative stereotypes, such as the thought that gays cannot form a LTR, and they go from one night stand to the next. Those negative stereotypes were a huge influence on me, frankly. I saw all that negativitity, and figured why bother dealing with sexual orientation. While I knew of healthy LTRs, they seemed to be a rare exception than the rule...at least when I listened to some of the more negative stereotypes.
     
  18. skiff

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    You know what BMC77...

    Now I know there are men like you out there. I am not a gay anomaly and this time I am going to look for a gay partner in the RIGHT places this time.

    They can run but they can't hide. They are out there!