i'm thinking, as i learn from all of you by reading your posts, how easy it should be for me to just come out as gay. im 47years old, my 15 year marriage ended just over 2 years ago, and i've been divorced for a year and a half. my parents have pased, i wouldn't hesitate for a minute to tell my siblings i'm gay. i work in a very gay friendy industry. i feel i would have to tell my former wife ( who ended the marriage for guess what ?... yup lack of sexual intimacy) i would need her support, not for my own self worth, but so that she could help my girls through the adjustment. i think my x wife would feel vindicated from the confession. i pay her a huge alimony for the next 10 years , and big child support, so she sorta has an interest in making sure im happy and productive. my girls switch houses one week with me , and one week with their mother ( who started dating during our marriage- which only matters because shes not pining away for me, or feeling like a failure as a former wife to me ) im closeted because 1. I worry about making life hard for my daughters- i think coming out to them will scare them, they are 10 and 13, what will their friends think, wont they be horrified ? 2. i lie about who i am to everyone, i pretend to be authentic as a heterosexual man, and coming out is admitting my lies, i have a bunch of employees who dont know who i truly am because i actively lie to them about my sexuality. I know all the answers are already here, and i'll keep actively reading the threads, i just want to check in and come clean with you all so as you start to see my posts and opinions you can have my story behind my name.
Hi lionel, Something to keep in mind is that coming out is not an all-or-nothing proposition, and in any case, it doesn't happen all at once. For right now, the best idea is probably to see if you can come up with one person that you could confide in. Don't worry about everything else right now, just try to think if there is one person you know will accept you that you can trust enough to tell. You say you work in a gay-friendly industry. Do you know any gay people, then?
thanks Ianthe, i like the wisdom, this urge to make up for lost time and do the grand announcement, not so smart, ill take your advice and start with a gay friend. keep well, Lionel
Hi, Funny you mentioned alimony... I am the stay at home dad. I am the gay one. I am the one that shut down sexual intimacy 7 years ago. So I go to the therapist to discuss my pain in hurting my wife with this news. As an aside I mentioned the financial abyss I was jumping into. She told me I was entitled to half of everything plus alimony. I just looked at her slacked jawed saying... "And take financial resources away from our children?" I will take the financial abyss thank you very much.
Yes, it is true, coming out is not generally a grand announcement. It is little steps, and those steps are repeated over again every time we move or bring new people into our lives. I agree, you need not tell your daughters for a while. Once they are over 16 or 17, then they will have gay friends that they understand, admire and appreciate. And then you will have better expectations out the outcome. It is great to see someone come here and begin their journey with full disclosure of their background, and where they are currently. In your case, it means that you are past the internal conflict. From what you stated, you have already gotten out of the marriage that you knew was a over while ago. And you have assessed the climate around you. And it is mostly a good climate. But yes, coming out now means explaining your past "straight" life, or lie if you will. This is always a problem. It's like admitting your are a fraud, and then expecting forgiveness. But at least you are now living in an era when men are coming out by the droves and it gets more respect than shame in most all cases. Not many people would hammer you for the past life you have lived. Perhaps you know this from reading the press, and that is why you are now here. You know acceptance is becoming the norm. "Generation connected" are fine with gays for the most part. Is that why you are finally here and thinking more about this issue, because you know society is more accepting now?
Jeff has absolutely nailed it. Atoning for the past is perhaps the hardest part of this process for those of us undergoing this "revolution". It need not be a guilt trip if you and others understand the difficulties inherent in accepting who you are. It does not mean denying that despite it all there was love in the past too.
Hi Skiff, carefull about taking legal advice from your therapist. and if you need some words from someone who survived the emotional and financial sunami called divorecd with kids, just ask. here in the US , the most common child custody settlement is moms house, and dad gets to visit his kids every other weekend and some wednesdays. lousy idea! I'm not so sure that accepting alimony will take away from your children so long as you continue to be a 50/50 custodial parent. I'll quit making assumptions now, my apologies for projecting, let me know if i can help, keep well, your friend Lionel ---------- Post added 24th Mar 2013 at 08:16 AM ---------- Hi Jeff, thanks for your generous insight. is it true that coming out to my children puts them in the closet now? what is your perspective on staying closeted with my girls while living as a gay man ? do you suggest that i can do both ? ( dont ask/ dont tell ) thank you for the wisdom on answering for the lie, very simple and practical, yes....I lied, some will get it and acept the appology. others will not. i get from your comments that i have my story to tell, and then those who i come out to will have their stoty to tell.not for me to decide. ive come to you all at EC now, because I'm at the cross roads of accepting living as a gay man. or cowering from the fear and entering a new dead end relation ship in the heterosexual model that was yes so common for all of my life. from an self acceptance level, the why now is an honest question, thanks for asking. i work in the fashion and beauty industry, not so unusual a place to find a gay man. i so strongly impersonated the only heterosexual in the business for so many years , the cage just became stronger and stronger. i'm truly feeling the need to jst forgive my self , and live authentically., thanks for all, stay well, your friend Lionel ---------- Post added 24th Mar 2013 at 08:19 AM ---------- thanks GW, I'll practice.... breathe in " forgiveness"....breathe out "guilt" my new Jeff and GW meditation.
Lionel, your kids will be fine, no, they will be great. Being open and truthful with them, will bring you closer together (yes, you can create that). The longer you wait -- the more they will resent you for not telling them. Tell them together, too. Let them be there for each other about having a gay Dad. My other advice, unless there is a clear downside -- to losing your job, work, clients, or whatever, start coming out. Yes, its a process. It doesn't have to happen all at once at all. The example of honestly truthfulness, and acceptance you create for you kids will be a huge gift to them.
thanks for the wisdom Pete, I will come out to a trusted gay friend first, then my former wife, kids, and co-workers in that order. I believe that once my children know me, i truly dont have to hide anymore. all the single parent rules still apply, no one meets my kids before at least a year of serious dating. and gay dad or not, homework after school , brush hair and teeth before bed time. thanks again for weighing in. keep well, your friend Lionel- the poconos of pa.
There are several things you are covering here in this post. No, I don't think that coming out now puts the kids in the closet. They would be in the closet if they choose to. I have (sometimes, rarely but it happens) heard about that happening, where they are ashamed of their dad and must hide it from everyone. And even refusing to see their dad after the disclosure. Usually this happens when the parent has been preaching the "Gospel" or has been dishing out the born again speech, and then does a total flip-flop and falls for a man. This confuses kids and they hate the previous lies (or the new sinful life). In your case, the kids are not likely to go into the closet themselves nor refuse you. At most they could be in disbelief (shocked) at first. But at 16, or 17, they are unlikely to be confused at all, and may think that their dad is cool, hip, and knows things other dads do not. They are just a bit too young for the full break down imo. Yes, I think that the don't ask, don't tell is a good way to deal you this and the kids, as then you are not telling any lies. If you are with a man and they get to know him as your friend, and later they find out just how close this friend is, that may not bother them at all. They would already like this person, and one more level for them to find out would not be bad. Now when I mentioned that anyone coming out has that hard part of admitting their previous lie, of life as a fraud, which is a horrible blunt way to say it, I am only speaking of how we feel inside when we admit we are gay. That is just how I see it, coming out is hard, and that is one reason that I think it is so. The obligation we feel to explain the past life, or lie we lived. We really have no obligation to admit we told lies, and our past lives are not frauds. Self-deception more than anything else. The reality here is that few people expect us to explain this past. Your ex, the kids, and maybe one or two friends might ask if any of that past stuff mattered at all at the time? But in general, everyone already knows that some men find it very hard to come out, and some never do come out at all. So nobody at work is going to be asking you to explain much about it. They know that is is a tough subject, and most know it is none of their business. It takes a lot to come out and be real, even if it is easier now. The only reason I mentioned that the feeling our past living as being a lie, or a fraud, is because it is just the way we "think" others will think of us. It is a guild we cannot really completely ignore. But other other people we come out to, it is not such an issue imo. For us it is hard.
