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Just came out to my wife.. she was very supportive

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by SaleGayGuy, Mar 23, 2013.

  1. SaleGayGuy

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    Hi Folks

    I have just come out to my wife after lots of joint tears :tears: . She was very supportive and wants us to stay together (!) . She didn’t really have a clue and had never noticed me looking at other guys.

    We even talked about me having sex with other guys and gay friends and she would be happy for me to do that safely. Even joked about me and the boiler repair man I mentioned in my post the other day, she thought he was cute also.

    I am a somewhat of an emotional wreck now so off to bed with the wife and not the sofa downstairs. I will post more later today.

    Sale Gay Guy :eusa_danc
     
  2. Hopeful

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    Good for you! I'm happy that your wife is so supportive. :slight_smile:
     
  3. Musician

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    Dude, congratulations. I just came out to my girlfriend, and it has been so hard on us. We have been hugging, crying, laughing, sobbing, angry, and so many other emotions I can't even mention. I can't imagine my life without her and not raising a family without her. But man, you are very brave. I have seen that you have been meaning to come out to your wife for a while. I'm really proud of you.

    I don't know if things will shift for you the way they are for me. I think what is helping me is just being able to go through the emotions. Having a supportive wife is so crucial. This is her journey as well as yours, and to be able to go through this together is the greatest gift you can have, even if you are cursing or weeping or whatever. I'm really proud of you and so touched.

    Btw, this might bring you really close with her in ways you may not expect. Right now, my girl is lying next to me on the couch with her head so close to mine, and we are watching TV and she is stroking my arm. We are spending such intimate time together like we haven't in a while. Just intimate. We were physical and close, but we are smiling together now, in love, in a non-romantic way (sadly).

    Also, I can imagine if a coming out like that can knock you out for the night. Ever since coming in to myself Thursday, my sleep schedule has normalized after a year of sleeping at 5 AM and having crappy sleep for 11 hours a night/afternoon.

    Good luck, brother. If you'd like to talk, please do, since it seems like we are having similar experiences. I'd like support, and I'd love to support you in anyway I can.
     
  4. skiff

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    Hey Sale,

    Much better than you envisioned, eh?

    I am so happy this is behind you. So happy for you.

    Take your time, give her time, this has to settle in and the new normal has to establish itself. As you already know time changes all things and since your secret suffering is over you can start healing.

    Love ya buddy. Happy for you. :slight_smile:
     
  5. Love2read

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    Wow, congrats. I know you've been agonizing over the decision.
     
  6. 341

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    Congrats, but you'll be staying together?
     
  7. Jake Fang

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    wow congrats! :slight_smile: i feel happy for you! I confessed to my boyfriend about the transexual thing and he accepted C:
    again, congratulations! :slight_smile: Happy for you!
     
  8. greatwhale

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    This is truly awesome!

    We know this has been something that was so agonizing for you, and what an excellent outcome!

    You found the courage to take the next step, good for you!!
     
  9. Italy or Bust

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    Way to go! Anticipate that the feelings may ebb and flow a bit. Don't feel too low if some tension creeps in. Stay loving towards her a expect a wave of emotions. Proud of you. You have a supporting spouse, and you two will work out what's best for you.
     
  10. RainbowMan

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    Awesome! I know that this has been a long journey for you, and am glad that things went so well for you!
     
  11. BMC77

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    Congratulations! I've read enough to know how hard this process has been, and it must be a relief to finally come out, and have it work out so well.

    You may get grief for staying married to your wife, but I personally see no problem as long as things work out for the highest good for both you and your wife.

    My best wishes to both you and your wife!
     
  12. Gaysibling

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    Congratulations, that was a huge step to take. Whatever lies ahead for you both I wish you well. My brother, who is of a similar age to you, and in a similar situation, has not yet been able to take the same huge step. I hope that when he does, his wife ( who I respect greatly) will be able to be as understanding as yours.
     
  13. Cool Bananas

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    I am glad it has worked out well, it was a very big step to take, this isn't to say there could be some problems in the future but glad at least you made a giant step.
     
  14. Eleanor Rigby

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    Congratulations (*hug*) I'm very happy for you that your wife is supportive. Maybe you can send her this link to a PFLAG booklet for straight spouses. I gave this to my best friend when her boyfriend came out and it had been very helpful to her. I hope this can be helpful to your wife too.
    Take care, Cécile
     
  15. Dublin Boy

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    Congratulations on your bravery, I have so much respect for you & everyone who has the courage to come out to someone so close, I am so glad your wife is being supportive, she sounds like an amazing woman, my thoughts are with you at this time in whatever the outcome may be (*hug*)
     
  16. Average Joe

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    Great news, Sale. Congratulations are definitely in order. I hope it will only get better for you from this point. Cheers!
     
  17. PeteNJ

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    Awesome! Congratulations!

    What a big step for you. The next steps in the journey may be less clear -- but you've now jumped off the cliff -- find the straight and gay friends for the support you need to create happiness for you.
     
  18. SaleGayGuy

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    Hi Folks

    I have just logged on for a short while to say a quick “thank you” for all your messages of support to us both. Emotions in both of us still running high and more tears but overall my wife is understanding and supportive.

    I managed to get some sleep last night but still very tired, so I will give you a fuller report tomorrow when I have sorted my head out a little more.

    Thanks again, I could not have done this without your support, and I have told her of your support but not shown her EC, I think I should keep that private.

    Sale Gay Guy
     
  19. SaleGayGuy

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    Coming out to my wife: more details

    Firstly thanks again for all you support, I couldn’t have done this without you, and when I joined EC just a few months ago I didn’t imagine doing it so soon. Those of you reading this who don’t know me, I realised out of the blue 8 years ago, in my mid-40s, I was gay and only came out to myself and a therapist 1 year ago.

    Following the weekend of 16-17 March I was in a very deep depression following a whole string of events that were triggering my PTSD, OCD, and GAD in addition to nearly being outed in public by my “Too Smart for its own good” Smart Phone. Spurred on the recent successes of several of you guys, although admittedly in somewhat different circumstances, and the overwhelming urge to do something naughty to the boiler repair man I mentioned in another post I decided that I would come out the following weekend regardless of the consequences. My stress, and the stress my wife was going through in worrying about me, was becoming too much to bare and made the possibility of losing everything seem insignificant.

    During the following week I worked on finalising my coming out plan. I had never discussed in detail with my wife the triggers and therapy I was having for depression or the degree to which it was making me ill, and at times feeling suicidal. My plan was to first explain the depression and the suicidal thoughts and then talk about discovering I was gay whilst Internet researching my Fathers prostate cancer. I had also prepared a document with all the things I wanted to say so that she could read it later.

    So it got to midnight Saturday, after working in my study all evening I came into the lounge with the paper sat in my chair and put my head in my hands, I still could not say anything. My wife notices I looked very depressed and asked me .. Crying and shaking, all I could say was “I think I’m gay”. So much for the carefully scripted intro about depression! My wife seeing me in a state of shock and fearing I may have a heart attack went to get me a drink and then told me she didn’t believe me. I handed her the notes I had made and she took them into the bathroom to read them.

    When she came back, and very calmly, she said that she had never thought I was gay and had never seen me looking at other men. She admitted she now is Asexual and had wondered how I was managing without sex, she even started to say she was going to suggest a few years ago that … Then she stopped talking because I was getting worse with the shaking and had become very very cold starting to go into shock so she sorted me out. I think, she was going to say that she would have given me permission to go outside the marriage with female escorts or something since I lived in Belgium at the time and every village seems to have a brothel. We did not finish that strand of conversation, perhaps I will return to it in a few days.

    I explained that in researching prostate cancer I had come across reference to prostate milking as a form of reducing risk and that I had also come across gay porn and that had thrown a switch in my mind and the sequence of events leading to my coming out. I admitted to watching lots of porn, only gay porn, and going to town on myself with sex toys. Her only comment at this point was that I had hidden the toys well and she hoped that I was not paying for porn.

    My wife also said that she had questioned her sexuality and felt attracted to women from time to time. This fits in with a private conversation I was having with Kay, so when the dust settles I will go back and investigate this further.

    As I suspected she was terrified that I would want a divorce and would leave her, I told her that was not the case and if I had wanted that I would have divorced her first without the stress of coming out. We agreed that I have real needs and should be free to have sex men outside the marriage and she thought Sauna, NSA, or FWB would be ok but did not want me developing a relationship with a guy. She very clearly saw the sex as compartmentalised and agreed that because out marriage had been sexless for a long time she was not losing or sharing that part of me. We agreed that I would not bring guys home or spend holidays together.

    We joked about the boiler repair man and I was mistaken when I thought she was checking if I had a boner whilst talking to him, she was just gazing into space. She did find him cute though and when I told her someone on here had suggested she may have been imagining a threesome she said she would never go there. She won’t even have sex with me so no chance of a threesome. She has now even started asking me who in our favourite band I fancy, so next Friday evenings trip to our local shopping mall is going to be interesting, she will be asking me do you fancy him or him.

    I explained about the various stages of grief and that it would take some time to come to terms with what had happened. She is keen to join a discussion group for wives in a similar situation and are sympathetic to their husbands needs rather than a “Fire and Brimstone” group.

    She doesn’t want me to come out to anyone else yet, not even out gay next door neighbours, and definitely not our parents.

    She has been up and down emotionally over the last 24 hours seeking reassurance that I will not leave her, even if we win the “big one” on the lottery. I mentioned that the other day whilst watching “The New Normal” on TV (a series about a gay couple if you have not seen it) that she said she would love some gay friends, so I reminded her of that and that she now had one. Her reply was “You’re not my gay friend, your my gay husband”.

    Since coming out I now feel much better and less depressed so much so that my wife has noticed and that has made her feel better. She was always worried that I was going to do something stupid and got really concerned when she could not reach me by phone if she was out.

    So overall a very positive experience after all the tears and much reduced stress all round, but its early days yet and she is just starting to go through the 5 stages of grief. Although she seems very supportive of the idea of me nipping out for some sex with a hot guy whenever I need it I think she will have a different view when I actually do that. I will test the water first by letting her know I have one of those location based apps on my smart phone and seeing what her reaction is. She was somewhat intrigued by PianoNates wife suggesting he visit a gay bar, so perhaps I will start with that. I have also told her I will only play safe and will go and get Hepatitis jabs etc. and start a routine sexual health screening regime.

    Sorry for the long post but I hope it helps others who are planning on telling their wives. In the next few hours I will post my coming out notes in a blog entry.

    Sale Gay Guy
     
  20. The Dude

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    I'm so happy for you SaleGayGuy!

    I'm glad your wife reacted positively overall, and I'm glad that the massive burden you've been dealing with has been lifted. I wish both you and your wife the best, whatever that may be. I'll be eager to hear what happens from here, but in the meantime congratulations on taking the first, and biggest step.