Hi all... this is my first real post here. I fell in love with a woman while I was married to a man. I know it probably sounds very cliche, but whatever. Lol. She was also married. I divorced my husband because I was unhappy. He didn't satisfy me in any way... sexually, spiritually, emotionally... nothing. She is still married to her husband. They have a special needs child in his twenties and he is pretty much the only reason they're still married. They haven't been intimate in years. They basically have a partnership together to take care of him. Her husband knows me well, knows that I am attracted to women, knows that we have feelings for each other, and knows how often we spend time together. He never confronts her on anything, but he isn't stupid. I think he's just looking the other way because he feels that there is no better alternative. Denial is a powerful thing. Anyway... I am not looking for people to tell me that I'm being unhealthy and shouldn't be involved with a married woman. I was married when we fell for each other. I know to the outside eye it probably makes no sense. That's okay. What I really would like some advice on is how to handle separating when there is a special needs adult child in the picture? Does anyone have any experience with this? It worries me that he is physically violent and hits both of his parents when angered enough. He is pretty volatile if you don't answer his questions immediately. I know that there are homes that he could live in, but I know they don't want to just "ship" him off somewhere... Any advice?
Hi, Welcome to Empty Closets! I don't know how impaired he is, or exactly what the disability is, but a group home is often the best solution for him to have the most independence possible. Also, they really need to consider what will happen to him if they aren't able to take care of him any more. They need to have it worked out so that he will be provided for without them. Another factor is that the caregivers at group homes work in shifts. This reduces the stress on them--and less stress for the caretakers ultimately means less stress on the people they are caring for, as well. People in a group home will have training and experience for how to work with him when he becomes violent. They may find that they have better relationships with their son when they don't have the stress of day-to-day care weighing on him. If they choose a local facility, they should be able to visit very frequently, or even every day. These would be quality time visits. Probably right now, they spend a lot of time caring for him, and then need to take time for themselves. If someone else had the responsibility of caring for him, then the time they spent with him would be more relaxed and focused on expressing their love for him and building their relationship, rather than them being stressed and needing to get away whenever they aren't providing basic care. My mother works with special needs kids, so I'm going to see if I can get her advice about it as well. But I do think a group home might be advisable. Does he like living with his parents? Has anyone asked him, or told him that there are other options? He may very well prefer a situation that makes him feel less like a perpetual child. He might like to have more independence. So at the very least, they might want to consider asking him what his preferences are, rather than making all the decisions for him without his input.
^ I'll second everything Ianthe said re: group homes. I've worked in one for the last 4 years and only just recently quit my job since school was getting too busy. My mother also manages one, so I know a lot more than simply the frontline staff's position. Group homes can be great for independence, but it's dependent on the organization itself and the staff working there - though this parallels how independent he could be at home, depending on how his parents treat him. I know at the house I worked in (throughout the whole organization, actually) improving the quality of life and encouraging the individuals to make independent decisions is paramount. For example, the last house I worked in had 4 guys, aged 18-late 30s. They all had girlfriends, took the bus everywhere, and overall arguably had more social lives than I did (because I was working in my free time). One of them even found his own job dishwashing in a restaurant, without the help of the job search aides through the organization. Independence is definitely a possibility and a realistic goal to strive for, and the staff/organization are there to help facilitate it. Additionally, at my organization there are some "trial" options. You could probably arrange with a home to see if they could let him go over for dinner to meet the other residents, or even sleep over for a weekend if he likes the idea. My organization also offers something like apartment living for those who have less needs (and those deemed to be capable enough of living on their own/with a roommate). The staff still help them out, but with more "life skills" related things rather than caretaking (i.e. budgeting, grocery shopping, making good decisions, etc.). Like Ianthe said, I'd encourage her to talk with her child and see what he thinks - "moving out" may seem less like "shipping out" to him and more like an opportunity to be an adult. You'd be surprised at how many people like the idea. And definitely take a look into the opportunities around the neighbourhood - your local organization might have something he might be interested in, and they'd know better than any of us could suggest. Another option is respite care. The homes in my area offer respite beds to families who have someone with a developmental disability living with them, allowing them to have a night or two off every once in a while. Basically like an adult, professional babysitter... just for the individual in question. And from a frontline worker's perspective - don't worry about him being violent or aggressive, or generally having inappropriate behaviours. Any organization worth it's money will make sure the staff are trained extensively to handle situations as needed. I'm certified in first aid, CPR, non-violent crisis intervention, administering medications, etc. They're arguably more capable of dealing with this sort of interaction than his family might be. Anyways, those are just some options to look into. If you'd like more opinions on anything, you're welcome to PM me anytime.
Chillbilly, is your lady asking for options? Or are you looking for options to present to her? If it's the latter I strongly caution you to proceed VERY carefully. Lots of moms of special needs kids are super (sometimes irrationally) touchy and over protective. It's really easy to get caught in a place where you derive your self worth from being needed by your child. I'm saying this as both someone that works with special needs families and as the mother of a child with autism. I think group homes are great places for adults with special needs and it may be the perfect solution, but step light and try not to awaken the mama bear instinct.
