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Anyone ever regret coming out

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by bdman, Mar 24, 2013.

  1. bdman

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    I regret coming out to my parents. Even though the reaction was better than the range I anticipated. I still feel like it was a bad move that just made things awkward. Basically what it boiled down to is they are ignoring it. They say they are fine with it, but I think they mean as long as I never bring anyone home but not sure. I don’t think they would ever vote for any gay rights issue. Basically I am still uncomfortable even discussing the subject…maybe because I think they are uncomfortable. I can’t tell how much of this is my fault or theirs. Either way, it has just made things awkward so the subject is just ignored. Therefore I think it was a mistake. I suppose because I am keeping them in the closet since I’m not out to the rest of my very large family isn’t helping. I’m sure they are very happy to keep that secret though. It is still an issue of protecting myself. See, my family is all I really have left since almost all of my friends have their own families now. I can’t risk all I have. Although what I have is fake. Maybe I should try to discuss the consequences of coming out to the rest of my family with my parents. But my parents are not sane people and do I have the right to add to their problems. There are other major problems and my family is kicking the can down the road. Sorry, this is becoming a brain dump this morning.
     
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  2. lazyboy

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    Hmmm...

    Personally, I think you should be cautious about discussing the consequences of coming out to your family with your parents. Not that I'm against sharing, mind you, it's just that you've already said they're not quite gay-supportive, even if they are at least partially accepting of YOU. I get the feeling they would not be comfortable with it at all.

    You mentioned that your relationship with your parents feels awkward since coming out to them. Think of it as a coming out for them too. They've been handed this information, and like you, they need to come to terms with it before moving on. You know how that feels. It takes time. It doesn't sound like they've finished doing that yet. Until they've found a way to reconcile their love for you with their religious beliefs, you should already know they're going to be uncomfortable with you coming out to the rest of your family.

    If you're going to come out, then I think you should come out for YOU, not for your family. Likewise, if you decide not to come out to your family, then it should be because you feel it best, not because someone feels it's best for you.
     
  3. Pain

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    I don't regret it. Things worked out for me, luckily. I'm still uncomfortable with the idea of talking to my family about it, but that doesn't matter. I'm gay, and if they take any issue with it and I hear it, I'll raise hell and issue an ultimatum. I regret nothing in my coming-out process.
     
  4. AKTodd

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    Nope, I didn't regret it at the time and never have since.

    I came out to my mom a week or three after figuring out I was gay. She was mainly concerned that 'it could be a hard life', but was otherwise supportive, although not exactly running out to join the local chapter of PFLAG. I think it took her a little while to process the idea that her only son (by birth) was having sex, let alone sex with guys. And I'm sure she was concerned about all the negativity thrown at gay people.

    For a time, every time I mentioned something relating to being gay (Yeah, I met this guy last night and just got home at noon, how are you doing?) there would be this slight pause followed by 'Oh.' before she'd continue the conversation. That went on for a couple years.

    That all changed when I had a messy breakup after a three year relationship. Instant protective momma grizzly so to speak and she was much more supportive from that point forward. And then when she met my partner, she immediately adored him, more or less adopted him (she calls him her other son), and (according to my partner) would now take his side if we're having a dispute.

    IIRC my mom asked if it was ok to tell the rest of the family when I came out to her and I was fine with that. Certainly they all knew the next time I came home and I didn't tell them. Not that it would have bothered me if she had even if she hadn't asked. I have that kind of family.

    Todd
     
  5. biggayguy

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    I don't really regret coming out. Sometimes I regret the way I came out. I wish I had the courage to do it face 2 face. Instead I wrote a letter to each of them and followed up with a phone call about a week later. I'd already had my own place for years so I wasn't afraid of being kicked out. I was just afraid of the look of disapproval on their faces.

    One semi funny incident; My mom was getting re-married. The wedding was soon approaching and I didn't have a way to get there. One of my friends from the GSA at school graciously offered to give me a ride there. When I told mom I had a ride she wanted to know who. I told her it was my friend Steve (Stevie) from school. She asked if it was one of my gay friends. I said yes. She then informed me that she would rather I didn't come at all to her wedding. I thought it was funny that she was that hung up on a gay person coming to the wedding. Maybe she thought we were going to hold hands? :kiss: :eek: :lol: Things were left like that until a family member offered to drive me to the church.
     
  6. Tightrope

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    On a personal level, I do not know anyone who regrets it. But they were ready.

    On a celebrity level, the only one I know of who regrets it appears to be Rupert Everett. People look up to celebrities, and some people want to be celebrities. Could you imagine being in the public eye 24/7? That's work! No thank you.

    Another thing is that ordinary people come out because they want people to have the whole picture. On the other hand, a lot of famous people come out because they are on the verge of being outed and the speculation has been building for quite a while.
     
  7. Dublin Boy

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    No Way Man, it took me so long to come out, in the words of Edith Piaf's song # Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien #
     
  8. Gaysibling

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    It's a very interesting question. No two people have the same coming out experience.

    In my own case, I have never regretted it. However, I am sure there must be those who do. This is one reason why I have to try to curb my enthusiasm for telling people to 'just do it'. Just because I was lucky enough to have my coming out go well it doesn't necessarily follow that everyone else will.

    Can I ask how recently you came out to your family? It takes different people different times to process ( and don't forget, you have had a lot longer to ponder the matter than they have). I hope that with the passing of time you will feel better about the step you have taken and that things work out for you and your family.
     
  9. Lexington

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    When it comes down to it, it seems people regret the circumstances surrounding the coming-out, or sometimes the specific reactions they got. So I'm more likely to hear "I wish I hadn't told my mother in that way" or "I wish she hadn't made a scene" more than "I wish I hadn't come out to her at all."

    Lex
     
  10. BradThePug

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    I really only regret coming out to one person. That's just because he made my life very interesting for a long time... (and I'm still dealing with him).

    I don't regret coming out overall though. It's something that had to happen eventually, so I'm just glad that I did it the way that I did.
     
  11. Aviale

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    I mentioned this in some other thread - that I regret coming out, so I went back in the closet again (here is an excerpt of my regretting):

     
  12. bdman

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    It's been about a year. I think they processed it all they can, the bottom line is they are very anti-gay and Evangelical. Now they know they have a gay son and the two don't mix. They will not search for a way to combine them, nor will they leave their anti-gay church or friends. But they don't want push me away either. So the result is we just don't talk about it. As long as I stay single forever, things will won't change and I'll just feel awkward around them. If I don't stay single, I'll still have to live in two different worlds I can't combine.

    ---------- Post added 9th Jun 2013 at 04:51 AM ----------

    The way I did it was very diplomatically, but I do regret that they will never support me, or make me feel comfortable with who I am around them. But I know they this is all they are capable of because I expected much worse. I'm envious of the the families in my PFLAG group and wish I didn't grow up in the environment i did and wasted my 20's believing there was something wrong with me and living in denial.

    ---------- Post added 9th Jun 2013 at 04:56 AM ----------

    Sounds like my sister. I tried to approach the subject but she instantly gave me all the religious hatred. She sensed something was off and asked if I was struggling with "gayness". I was forced to make her think I was just supporting a friend. She told me that she know a girl that is struggling with it and is trying to suppress her feelings as they are from the Devil and God will deliver her.
     
  13. Biotech49

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    I will never regret coming out. What I do regret is not coming out sooner! However, I think the time was right and I had the support of friends, then family (most of them -at least those who care to know), and fellow students.

    I start an internship tomorrow and I have apparently made a good impression with my enthusiasm and attitude already. I have a rainbow sticker and an HRC sticker on my car. Maybe they will figure it out, not that they need to figure anything out (except for those awkward conversations when one speaks of significant others...). I don't know the political climate of the place but it is science (biotechnology) so who knows?