Hello EC community This is my post about my coming out story. I wanted to post here for a few reasons - part therapy and part support. I don't want this to seem like self pity or wallowing but I figured I turn to the EC community as it has been hard emotionally. I do feel like I'm making progress but I do sometimes find myself really struggling. So here I am sharing my experience in hopes that it can bring me comfort in my decision. I don't expect any replies but I hope that it might bring anybody any solace knowing there are people going through the same thing and help them through difficult times. But of course, any support would be appreciated... Here's what happened...about 6 months ago I fell sick. My illness was triggered by what my doctor believes was CO poisoning. Turns out I have a condition where I have a deficiency in an enzyme that helps me process oxygen. One day out of nowhere I had an extreme case of confusion and my brain just seemed to shut off. I struggled with logic functions and the confusion was really bad. At that moment in my life I was in a relationship with my partner (a woman) of 8 years. I was at work (I own my own business and am somewhat successful) and was not able to do the basic tasks that I had been doing for the last 13 years. I had to call her and ask her to come help me as I was unable to mentally compute what I needed to do. She came to my aid and when we got home the confusion was still there. That night I managed to get to sleep and the next morning I felt somewhat normal. I went to work and while at work she called me. At her behest she convinced me to go to the hospital as she was worried it was a stroke or something. I'm a healthy person. Eat well, exercise as much as I can and am fit. I do smoke but am conscious of how much I smoke. I drink socially and try not to over do it. People tell me I look like I'm in my 20's even though I'm nearing 40. So I went to the hospital and everything checked out. They couldn't find anything wrong. I don't really subscribe to Western medicine (prescription drugs) so I went to see my naturopath to see if she had some insight. A few days went by and the confusion seemed to increase and I became REALLY scared. Mt naturopath did blood tests, I had a CAT scan done, had seen another MD and no one seemed to know what was going on. My naturopath actually consulted with a MD that works in conjunction with the center and she suggested to take a look at what seems to have been the cause of my illness. This was all going on over a course of about 3-4 weeks so you can imagine how SCARED I was. All the while, I was racking my brain as to how this could be happening to me. As I said, I was a healthy, balanced (or what I thought was balanced), motivated and functioning individual. I was happy, lived in the moment and able to handle stress quite well. But at that moment my body was telling me otherwise and now forcing me to face my 'truth'. I was really messed up. I realized that me not being honest with my partner is what possibly was making me sick. I felt it was my last grasp at getting my health back! My naturopath called it a 'crisis of conscience'. In my confused state, that's when I decided to be honest. My partner & I met 8 years ago. I was 30, she's 8 years my junior. We hit it off. In the beginning, the passion was there. Sex, conversation, intimacy, maturity, caring and kindness - all the ingredients of a perfect love story. It took a bit of work but we were at a point where we were happy and in love. In fact we even spent a year apart doing the long distance thing for work related reasons. The relationship was work but we seemed to have figured it out. We were planning to get married, envisioned a life together and everything was right on the surface. But obviously things weren't right for me. Although I was deeply in love and attracted to her, I had this secret that I was hiding from her. I never stepped out on our relationship but I used porn to get off when she wasn't around. I was good at hiding it. Deep down inside though she had an idea that I was hiding something from her. She wrote poetry about it and actually knew there was something there. I denied anything and lead her on. So it happened...I came out to her. Because of my illness, she stayed with me until the end of last year. Then we separated. We've had our space and I have come out to a few friends and family. Everyone has been supportive and she has been super supportive all things considered. She is a beautiful spirit and strong woman to have done what she has to help nurse me back to health all the while dealing with her own pain. Here's the one thing I find confusing about this all...as we were exploring what all this meant, we did make love a few times. Here's what it was like during those times and throughout our relationship - when I was "present" with her while we were together, the sex was beautiful. The intimacy and feelings were there. But of course, there's the questioning part. There have been times that just seeing her would make me hard. Part of me knows that I've been open to being homosexual but then I met her and fell in love. Ugh!! So confusing!!! I've struggled - grieving the loss of my relationship, confused about my sexuality, trying to break down the mental constructs of homophobia in my own mind, accepting myself and scared about my health situation. I've been seeing a therapist, doing what I can to stay sane through meditation and trying to eat right and exercise. Hardest part of all this though is grieving the loss of her and the life we thought we'd have. She was my first love...I know that this is for the best and what will be will be. But for now I'm taking it one day at a time... If you've made it this far thanks for reading...doing this has been therapeutic.
I'll start with congratulations and best wishes for the new direction your life is taking, whether you exactly know that direction or not! Loss is never easy. And losing her is losing a friend, lover, intimacy. Very tough. Glad you have your health back, do what you need to be supported, then take it one step at a time. Best/Pete
Reading this breaks my heart - the falling apart of the relationship. She sounds incredible. I'm happy you have her. I'm sorry you're going through this. Also, I make love to my girlfriend, but it's not the same. Even when my dad went to stroke her back tonight when he said good night, his touch for her was so much more natural than mine. More intimate. Like I can imagine myself for guys. I never knew attraction was so subtle. I always did that to my girlfriend, but I never understood why I didn't feel right. I'm glad you are coming to terms. It didn't feel bad for me, but not like how I saw my parents. I'm still heartbroken about it. Anyway, to bring this post back to you, I wish you the best going forward. Cheers, M
Thanks for posting your story. It is positive in that you know quite a bit about everything you are going through. Your therapist might have been, or is a great help, but you do seem willing to do the work yourself to get fully healthy. It sounds like your secret was actually killing you, and you were heading for a heart attack, or stroke over a simple case of non-disclosure, or what seems something that simple. How every tragic that would have been. Congratulations on your self acceptance, I am glad everyone seem to be supportive. You might be one to give others advice here soon. But homophobia is something that we often have internalized in us even when we are completely out to most everyone. I will often tell someone I am gay, and I feel the need to tell them that I am not a part of the "gay scene" at all. This is true, I do not hang out at gay bars, or the gathering hot spots around town. But my desire to mention this seems like internalized homophobia in a way to me. I should not have to say that I am not a part of that scene. It's like I need to say that I am not like those others!
This story is important because it shows that being in the closet, or not acknowledging something in us that is trying to rise to the surface can kill us. Generally when I read about the health risks of being in the closet, or having this deep secret unknown to anyone, the risk is more often drink, drugs, or heavy smoking. That is what often harms or even kills the person who has something in the back of their mind which they do not allow to come out. Even when we do not fully realize that we are carrying a secret. Any feeling of being attracted to the same sex can be written off as "oh, everyone feels this way sometimes" (which is true), but sometimes we need to face up to ourselves, and go explore it fully.
It helps to know that there are other guys going through the same and that we can find some support somewhere. I've tried a couple of local groups but haven't found any that I felt comfortable with. What's been toughest is finding people with similar stories to share experiences so I'm glad EC exists. Emotions are a funny thing. It is important to see that if not dealt with properly that they can come back to affect you in ways that you never thought would. I was sure that I was able to handle it all - life, work and this secret. But, life has a way of making you face it all. I can say from experience that what Jeff has said rings true. I did think that 'Oh everyone feels this way', which I also agree is true but when you are using that as an excuse to not be your authentic self is where you have to really check yourself. After I wrote this post I started to feel a bit of clarity. Riding out the emotions are tough and having to re-program everything is damn hard but I feel like I'm headed in the right direction. There has been some other emotional stuff that has also come up through therapy that has added to the overall story so it's been a tough few months. Thanks again guys for the support. And of course, if there is anything I can do to help anyone out please do reach out...
