My Wife's Not Gay Anymore and Now I'm Re-Closeted Too!

I'm a 41-year-old re-closeted gay guy who's married to a "formerly gay" woman. She's happier with us being straight but I really miss us being gay. Here's the story.

Growing up gay where I lived in the mid west was not an option. I was always being taunted and picked on by the other kids for being feminine. When my dad saw me "acting gay", he'd interrogate me like I was a criminal and push me around to scare the gay out of me. My older brother constantly called me a faggot and beat me up. Even my grandma got in on the gay bashing, telling me she wanted to buy me dresses and put earrings on me. (I wonder if she knew how much I wanted her to do that?)

So, naturally, I acted straight to survive. I acted straight because I was being told I was disgusting and wrong and I hated being gay. I dated girls and slept with as many as possible so I would be seen as a normal, straight boy. After all, that's what all the "normal straight boys" were doing. I desperately wanted to be straight but could never shake how I really felt inside. I learned how to appear to be a very straight guy. I even joined the Marines to prove my manliness. (I never imagined how often I would see fit, naked men strolling through the barracks though. It was a true test of will power to be a Marine.)

When I was 22 and fresh out of the Corps, I met D. Something was different about her. I was genuinely attracted to her and I felt normal when we were together. We clicked right away. We'd talk for hours and hours about everything and had an amazing sex life. "Have I finally stopped being gay?" I wondered. But it wasn't long before I started to feel gay again.

This time though, I decided I couldn't keep it bottled up anymore. Mostly, I was so tired of hiding and I was weary of feeling so ashamed of who I was inside. When I sat down to tell her, I thought I was going to be sick and it took me forever to get the words to come out of my mouth. But when I did she smiled and kissed me softly on the lips. She said, "I felt like you were different. Maybe that's why I liked you from the start." Then, to my complete surprise, she came out to me!

D. grew up in a strict Catholic house where being gay would have meant being thrown out of her house. So, like me, she hid it from everyone and tried to carry on a "normal" life. She dated and even married her college boyfriend and had two beautiful children. Six years into the marriage they divorced and she started secretly dating a woman. Her girlfriend had to move away for business a few months before I met her so she'd been single and lonely.

So there we were, a gay guy and a gay girl, in love with each other and living "out" to each other. She was a top and I was an effeminate, cross-dressing bottom so it somehow worked out perfectly for us. Plus, she's 12 years older than me so it felt natural for her to "be in charge".

We started going to gay clubs and even surrounded ourselves with other gay people. We watched gay porn and she'd use toys and a strap-on on me. She would call me faggy, gay boy and even called me her girl and for the first time in my life those names made me feel loved and clean and right. We were truly happy.

Three years into our relationship, she got pregnant and with that, we decided to get married. I loved the idea of marrying D. She was, after all, my best friend. We shared our most intimate and painful secrets and we loved each other more for them. Life was good and it was going to be better.

Of course, being pregnant and the a new mom puts a halt to romance and sex for a while so things died down a lot that first year of parenthood. The more time that passed though, the less gay sex we were having with each other and the more straight sex she wanted. The more time passed, the less we called each other pet names and played. We were slowly adapting to straight roles.

Then, somewhere at around 2 years of being parents, I was at the point where I felt like a was asking for something “freaky” and eventually I felt like I was wanting something “wrong” again. I was feeling isolated and like my being gay was once again, a bad thing.

I later discovered through revealing arguments that she was struggling with her sexuality and really just wanted to be straight. She felt we were just playing with fire by allowing ourselves to fantasize and play dress-up. During points of our marriage where she would be the breadwinner, she’d get overly stressed about finances and take it out on me. She would tell me she needed a man who would take care of her. (Even though I made equal or more money for most of our relationship.) She said she couldn’t feel feminine because she had to be strong to take care of the family and that my feminine traits frustrated her. We argued it out, fought it out and then separated for 6 months.

During that time separated we were able to reconnect because of our strong friendship and emotional bond. We decided to get back together but that we would live life as a straight couple. It would be best for ourselves and our daughter that way. So we thought.

We’ve been together for 19 years now and we are still very much in love. We're still best friends. We’ve lived a very straight life together and no one we know, I mean NO ONE, would suspect either of us is or ever has been gay.

There are days I feel so blessed I can live the life I always dreamt of living. You know, the life of a regular, straight guy with his regular, straight wife, some kids, a dog and a house, church functions and running into neighbors at the grocery store. I fit in. I’m normal.

Then there are days where I feel every bit the gay little boy I was when I was 12 and hating myself just as much because I know I’m really living a lie.

Sometimes I think if only we could go back to playing with each other I could feel normal again. If only we could just identify with each other. But I’ve tried to bring it up and she’s made it clear that she wants to be “straight normal” and leave all that behind.

I feel trapped. I struggled with it for so long as a boy, was bullied, abused and went through hell to hide it only to come out and be loved then have to push it all back in so my wife can be “normal”. I’m trying not to be bitter but I feel betrayed by her sometimes.

Part of me thinks this is nothing an erotic massage once a month wouldn’t cure. The other, more mature part of me wishes I could share who I am with my wife again. Because for me, saying I'm gay out loud and being gay is more than just getting jerked off by some hot guy in his massage studio that overlooks Silverlake. Being gay is a state of being, it’s how I carry myself, it’s how I breathe and how I see the world.

Again, in spite of feeling re-closeted, I still love and cherish her. We’re very good friends and good to each other. I'm just frustrated. I don’t know that I am looking for advice here. I guess I’m just trying to get this all off my chest. Thanks for reading and listening.

 

@Italy or Bust Thanks for the welcome. I appreciate it. I am new to writing about this stuff or even sharing my thoughts on my sexuality at all. It's been so long since I've been able to just say out loud who I am. On your situation, I don't know that there is a more painful feeling than to be swept back into your closet. Especially after things seemed to be going so nicely. I hope for you things are civil and that you can find happiness with your soon to be ex.

@PurpleCrab Thank you so much for your kind words. I have never thought of writing it as a book. I guess I didn't think it was very unique or interesting. Not to say I thought we were boring. I just never considered there would be people who would hear my story for what it is.

My wife and I are still very much in love. We are close and respect each other in every way. I think it's just easier for her to survive in the world as a straight woman living with a straight man. It's unfortunate but, necessary for now, I suppose.

@PeteNJ Thank you! If I'm completely honest, I'm okay most of the time living day-to-day life as a straight man. I think all the years of hiding my sexuality makes it easier for me to do. There are times though, like recently, where I just feel like such a fraud. I feel so gay inside and like my straight outside is a lie.

Somewhere on this forum I read someone giving advice about "doing something gay" after having to act straight around certain people. Well, that's what my wife and I once were for each other. So, when I feel the weight of the straight world, I have no where to go to do gay stuff. And I'm sure we can all agree, the straight world is pretty heavy.

Anyhow, thank you all for your supportive comments and for being a sounding board to my history, love, romance, frustration, pain and outlook on my future. I think I may have just found my place to do my "gay stuff".

 

Sorry if I sound unsympathetic:
You are happy to promulgate and support the most archaic, conservative, repressive and false notions of how ALL men and women should live by your living a lie, when in fact in the bedroom you are both anything but examples of it...in fact, victims of it.
Do you want this for your kids, this living a lie, or other kids?
Your life can be best described as a "facade" and an "in joke" between you and your wife....you are lying to your kids and I think that is the greatest crime....encouraging to be "good little christians".....and then heading to bedroom the get done by your lesbian wife with a trap-on.
I realise you are a victim but you are also an adult: perhaps its time to "be a man" about this!

 

@hereiam2 I don't mind not having your sympathy. In fact, I'd prefer not to have it from you. By no means do I want anyone to see me or think of me as a "victim". That's your interpretation of my story.

First of all, saying I'm promulgating and supporting an "archaic, conservative, repressive and false notion of how ALL men and women should live" is just narrow minded and wrong. I'm not carrying signs for Prop 8, dude. I'm just trying to live my life.

That you would read my posting and formulate a string of text so pointedly offensive tells me you are the one perpetuating the lie. Your lie is wrapped in hetero-phobic rhetoric meant to discredit anyone not living your predefined , gay set of rules. "If you're gay then you have to do this, this and this." That's archaic. That's repressive.

You make it sound like if I don't live outwardly gay with a gay man that I'm doing the world some sort of injustice. What difference does it make to you how I've chosen to live my life? Maybe you think it would be a facade for you but, for the most part, I'm pretty satisfied with my life.

As far as lying to my kids and it being a great crime, I couldn't disagree with you more. My wife and I display a supportive and loving example for our children to use as they grow into the adults they are becoming. They see two people who have grown together through sicknesses, financial hardships and the ups and downs of a lifetime. They see us as two steady and predictable role models who love and cherish them for who they are.

You say, "good little christians" as if being a Christian is something to cringe at. Don't confuse actual Christians with the assholes who pretend to be Christians but are completely right-wing, conservative hypocrites who trample on the rights of others. Maybe your experience of all Christians in the world is that they are judgmental and unfair. I don't think that's your point though. I think you meant it as an insult towards me and my wife in some attempt to discredit our ability to have a love-filled, outwardly hetero life with each other in spite of identifying as homosexual. For the record though, we are Christian. (There are gay Christians in the world, you know.)

I think you're missing the whole point here though. My wife and I genuinely love and enjoy being married to each other. The only difference now from when we first started dating 19 years ago is that we don't act openly gay with or around each other these days. She knows I'm gay and she knows I know she's gay. We just don't play like we used to. While I would like to be more open about my sexuality with her, this is where we are. This is what my marriage currently is. Hence, the reason for seeking out Empty Closets to share and to discuss. In short, I don't want to change my life, I just needed to say a few things out loud. Understand?

 

Actually my situation is not that different to your one. I live with my ex-wife for the purpose of raising our two kids together. We do not share a room and although we get along are in no way romantically connected. We make no pretenses and being married and I am out to everyone. So I am hardly hetero-phobic and heteful of the notion of family.
Difference is my kids know who and what I am. Your kids only know a lie, a big one at that.
By your actions you clearly imply that you believe homosexuality is wrong and evil and "the kiddies should never find out daddy (and mummy) are gay".
My situation was never quiet the same as yours btw...the lie was never as big.
I am not a an effeminate gay guy, and I simply don't veiw the world as a gay man as you claimed you do....I am kinsey 4, predominantly homosexual, innately masculine (not putting on any act) have no desire to put on women's clothes or be submissive to a man. the kid's mum is downright straight. You sound like a kinsey 5 or even 6.
In a sense it is harder for a guy like me to make the right decisions in life because my sexuality simply is not as cut and dry as yours might be. My marriage had serious elements of dishonesty. Your marriage is an outright fib.
Why should you be ashamed to tell your kids who you are...I am not criticising your arrangement per se.....I am critising the facade...which yeh I find rather reprehensible.
Your reply also implies you are sympathetic to the "ex-gay movement"

 

@SkyDiver Thank you brother. I appreciate the warm welcome and look forward to hearing from you.

@pinklov3ly You're not being offensive at all. I do desire men in a sexual way and I fantasize about them all the time. But, I also desire my wife and I get more love than I ever thought I'd receive from her. So, I guess I've traded my ability to be "completely" sexually fulfilled for a deeper love. One that I believe offers me a more complete satisfaction. I know my relationship confuses gay people and, clearly, people here. That's partly why I've never shared with anyone how I feel.

@Chloe I totally get that. Sometimes watching a gay themed movie (not necessarily porn, although that's nice too) or reading about people in the lifestyle is a necessity. It's what recharges and balances things out. Thanks for your compliments and for the hug! I wish you all the best too.

@SamAlex728 Thank you. I really do appreciate your words. However, when you say I'm "gonna get a lot of negative feedback on this thread because EC is filled with people that could never understand how you feel in your situation" I feel so disappointed. I was really hoping to find an accepting community of people who understand what it's like to have feelings they've had to hide.

While I appreciate your support and acceptance and that of a few others here, I don't know that I'll spend a lot of time on EC if I find the same intolerance, opinions and prejudices that are rampant in the straight world. I get enough of it there, I certainly don't want it in a place where I am looking to open up and be real. Explain, educate, help people understand… yes. Defend myself? Not sure I was expecting that.

All that being said, I'm really happy you've found EC to be a very helpful place for you. I know how important it is. I'll stick around for a while. I hope to meet a few nice friends and take part in some civil, educated discussions about our differences and our similarities. Thank you again for the warm welcome!

@HereIAm2 Other than this, I won't dignify your ignorance with a response.

 

@Exoskeleton Mine is a unique story for sure. Thank you for your acceptance and for saying you're inspired by me. That really does make me feel welcome.

 

I am rarely argumentative on forums but I fail to see why this story is inspiring. This story in-fact goes against the entire grain of this website: even it's very name. The idea of this forum is to encourage people to deal with and be honest about their sexuality. This person has come here to basically say he will never do this and all the while devote his life to supporting hetero-normative attitudes, effectively at the expense of those who wish to be open and honest about their sexuality and promote such values. When I challenged him, he got quiet nasty and accused me of simply being ignorant, which as far as this topic goes, I highly doubt.

 

Or to put it better, I'm the ignorant one....but I am the one who is genuinely being myself and not hiding who I am. You are the one, by your own admission, living a lie. I would say that I hit a raw nerve (well obviously I suppose). I am fully aware how hard it is, but many here have done it: If you drop the facade I doubt you would ever look back......and you might then admit how profoundly unhappy you are now.

Fact: Gay people who pretend to be straight are never happy

---------- Post added 31st Mar 2013 at 01:51 AM ----------

"no one we know, I mean NO ONE, would suspect either of us is or ever has been gay."

There truly is nothing inspiring about this story at all! You are everything that is wrong with western judeo-christian society. The need for people to present a facade that is in keeping with judeo-christian values and suppress and hide their true personalities.
You do not just do a disservice to other gays but to your hetero associates, who think they are dealing with a hetero man who makes decisions based on a hetero mindset.
Let me guess: If you are in middle management you might have fired or hired guys based on whether you thought they were cute and they never suspected.
Many here have to varying extents lived as you have: but I sense you almost revel in the subterfuge. I get the feeling ou and are your wife were almost smug about "pulling the wool" over your hetero church mates eyes.

It actually scares me to think how many people there are like you on this planet.

I suppose you hit a raw nerve with me.

 

@asmith6543 Thank you. I agree that if you don't like something online it's pretty easily ignored. I really appreciate your comment about my topic being relevant to this site too. Which is why I sought out this community and took the time to share it.

As far as what HereIAm2 wrote being "advice", I disagree. What he wrote was inflammatory and accusatory, not advice. He offered nothing more than his opinion. And a mean opinion at that. No, nothing he wrote will ever be useful to me or anyone else for that matter.

When you wrote your last paragraph I really felt vindicated. I couldn't have put it better myself. So for that and the sentiment behind it, thank you very much!

---------- Post added 3rd Apr 2013 at 02:19 AM ----------

HereIAm2: You spit vitriol towards me with a truly disgusting sense of entitlement. You are a fake; a fraud in gay skin pretending to want to take part in a community forum that's supposed to be a "Safe Place To Chat" about issues of sexuality. Instead, you decided to attack me on a thread where I posted something intimate about my personal life and sexuality. And when I responded you attacked me again.

You are everything wrong with the gay community. Your intolerance and bigotry are exactly the reasons so many of our gay brothers and sisters stay in the closet. But you're worse because you're gay so they won't be expecting it from you. Younger, more impressionable people might read something you write and be tricked by your self-serving slant. You are not someone to give advice. In fact, I think everyone who reads any of your so-called advice should take it for what it's worth… nothing.

I would go as far as to say you could potentially have the power to discourage younger guys and girls from being honest for fear you'll jump on something they say in complete confidence on a "gay safe site". After reading what you've typed here on my thread, they'll know they'll have to censor what they say or you'll attack them too. That just sad.

Now, I got beat up a lot when I was a kid. I was, as I mentioned, very effeminate and didn't have any support system to reach out to help me. So, I grew up getting beat up and/or having to defend myself constantly. These days though, I'm big and strong and know how to use my fists. At 6'1 and 230 pounds, I don't get gay bashed anymore. Until I came here, of course. For some really weird reason, you decided to bash me in a way that is the opposite of what this forum is supposed to be - "Coming Out Resources & A Safe Place To Chat"

You say "the idea of this forum is to encourage people to deal with and be honest about their sexuality". Well who the hell are you to tell me how to deal with my situation? For that matter, who the hell are you to tell anyone how to manage their situation? From what I've read on your posts, your idea of dealing with and being honest about sexuality is to do what makes you feel good about yourself even if it means to be deceitful.

Your words from another post: "I personally think monogamy is nonsense and the notion that one should feel obligated to be faithful to one person, when one does not really want to, one of the greatest cons sold to the human race." So you can scream at me about being honest about my sexuality but you're totally okay with dishonesty as long as it means you get to go get laid.

C'mon people! Why would anyone with a brain take advice from this guy? Someone who bashes on the premise of "dishonesty" and then blatantly condones deceit.

In closing, I'm going to reiterate something I wrote above. I want you to really let this sink in.
You are everything wrong with the gay community. Your intolerance and bigotry are exactly the reasons so many of our gay brothers and sisters stay in the closet.
Really... let that sink in.