I posted this elsewhere but am hoping for some perspective..I'm days away from turning 35 and tired of this on going battle. I've been fighting this battle within myself for so long, that I'm sure over thinking and rethinking every little thing every single step of the way has just made it all that much worse. I apologize if any of this is jumbled and rambling I'm just trying to get it all out but its pretty jumbled and rambling in my head. From a very young age and throughout most of the rest of my life I always had a few really close male friends, looking back at certain points I recognise that at times those friendships turned into crushes on my end. Nothing ever happened sexually but I look back at my feelings now as more then just normal friendships, particularly in highschool I remember getting jealous when my closest friends would get girlfriends. I dated girls through school and beyond and there seemed to be legit attraction there. However the attraction never seemed the way my brothers got about girls or that my friends got about girls. They seemed to find every other girl desireable..I didn't. I did recognise physical beauty in some but it was few and far between. I don't recall ever really focusing on guys at this time however there were always older guys/jocks/outcast etc that I spent a fair amount of time thinking about how cool they were. I moved cities for college and didn't really date at all but I did begin viewing gay porn and found myself fantasising about gay sex a lot. I didn't ever look at a guy and think "wow he's hot" but I thought a lot about gay sex and the male body...at this point I said in my head I was bi-curious. I met a woman at work, we dated and married when I was 23. I was fairly open with her about my curiousity, I worked a lot and she worked opposite shifts and a few years into the marriage I went back to viewing gay porn, some chatting. For a number of reasons our marriage ended. I got completely drunk one night and went to a bathhouse...while there was alcohol in my system I was exhilarated by the incident but when the hangover kicked in I felt a great deal of shame. The greiving process of my marriage ending led to a few one night stands with women that only ever happened with the aide of alcohol. But gay porn, gay chat, and fantasising became a regular part of my everyday life. I met another woman which turned into a relationship and when that ended I again resumed the same pattern of before. However, this time while completely sober I met and hooked up with a guy from online-the experience was relatively blah to me...no fireworks like I'd hope for to finally tell me just exactly who I was. For a short time I thought "well I tried it, guess it wasn't for me" but it didn't take long to start the fantasising again. And then I thought that even with women without some sort of emotional attachment the sex was always blah to me. What has compounded a lot of this is the fact that between 11-14 I was sexually abused by a male and in my search for self discovery I found that a fairly common form of acting out for victims of sexual abuse is through some same sex attraction in some sort of an effort to recreate the abuse. For a minute this seemed to click but what has clicked even more for me is that regardless of whether my attractions are my natural orientation or some sort of affect from the abuse it shouldn't really matter, I shouldn't feel guilty for my attractions or desires no matter what the reasoning. So I came to the conclusion that I must be bi. I've become more comfortable with myself since accepting that for whatever the reasons I have the attractions that I do, I shared this all with a close female friend (the last girl I dated) and have noticed myself for the first time not just fantasising about gay sex, the male body but from time to time actually seeing a guy that I find attractive. But the confusion continues...as much as I try to be comfortable with myself I wonder if I'm actually gay. I try to say it shouldn't matter what the label is I just need to get out of my shell and meet people and experience life but the label seems to matter to me. When I fantisise about sex it's almost exclusively gay sex but then I'm left spinning when I think about the women I've had sex with and the attraction I've felt for them. It's such a bizarre thing to say but I often wish I'd never found women attractive at all that that way I'd know exactly who I am. And then when I think about it to much I question whether I was every really even attracted to any of them. I've spent a lifetime in my head about all of this and just wish there was a simple answer...
Well, my guess is that you are gay. You have not had the opportunity to experience any sex with another male that was satisfying it appears. The ones you did like and have crushes on were not available. And you have not seriously considered that there might be that right guy out there, instead you have used gay porn for your gay outlet, and clung to women to confirm you are bi. It sounds like internalized homophobia is keeping you running back to girls when you really want a guy. There is a lot here in what you are saying, many details you have written. I admire your ability to articulate so honestly. You do not say exactly what the reasons for your marriage ending were. And I don't need to know them. But the bottom line is that you are not turned on by women quite the way straight men are, and you are very attracted to gay porn, chat, and men's bodies. In my opinion, which is just an opinion, I think you should try and find a guy who really turns you on sexually, and try that for a year, recreate your porn fantasies in real life if you can do it and be safe. Put girls on the back burner, and forget that stuff for a while. And unless you meet miss perfect who REALLY does it for you, stick to guys for a while, just to see how that might work. You have already had women, and been married. You know the score there, but with men you have not explored enough of it yet. And do not feel any guilt over the past, or the present. You are still a young guy, and you deserve great sex. And there are many nice and good men out there. The reason I am saying this, is that you are bouncing back and forth in your head, and you need to try one thing for a bit rather than stress yourself out. And thinking about guys as hot sexually does not seem to be a problem with you. So do not make it one.
good stuff jeff ! dear all new to me, write this down and practice it 2 X daily ( i recomend into the mirror after brushing teeth ) i am... not alone i am...not the only one i am...worthy i am ... every time you go in to your over think mode, come back to this practice. also post alot here, great family with lots of good insight from those who have gone before. keep well, and keep practicing
The more I read through threads here and the similarities I see to what I've been going through and the more I remember I'm definitely on the gay end of the kinsey scale... I just wish it was one or the other completely or that I'd done more work to figure all this out long ago. The abuse I went through certainly adds to all the confusion but I'm sure it would cause all sorts of issues regardless of my natural orientation. There are somethings that I've remembered over the past few days that kind of solidify the thoughts as I remember them being before any abuse even occurred like passionately kissing a boy when I was 5 or 6 and my dad telling me that thats "not how boys kiss boys". He wasn't angry about it or a dick about it but I do clearly remember him saying that. Then there are other things that I remember that I'm not so sure if they were before the abuse, during or after it. Like how I used to make my G.I Joe's have sex lol theres not much straight about that. I know and acknowledge that there is and has been an attraction to women but specifically at this point in time it is much much less than my attraction to men..I just feel like if I come out that it takes women off the table forever and I'm not so sure I want to do that...
Greetings fellow Canadian, I understand where you are coming from. I have been in a now ending relationship with a woman for a long time. Almost always when we engaged in sex, I always wondered if my equipment would work at that time, and it always did. But the key thing was why I wondered. It was because I knew, deep down, that it wasn't something I could count on as being part of my relationship with her. As the years and kids accumulated, and natural aging, it was easier to find excuses not to have sex, and so it disappeared completely a few years ago... My attitude at this point is to take the woman's point of view. What precipitated my own crisis was the upcoming divorce, and the nagging thought that I could not do what I did to my wife to another woman. I have posted elsewhere that it wasn't that I did not find the right woman, but that I was not the right man for any woman, and yes, that is a very disconcerting thought! So I have accepted that I am gay, for the foreseeable future and I will leave it at that. I can only say that it is liberating to contemplate a meaningful, romantic, loving and sexual relationship with a man, and believing that I am gay was precisely the key to that realization.
My personality has just been to see everything in absolutes and I suppose that just makes it all so much harder. I see from reading through this site that the questions I ask myself are the same as many others at this point and I am begining to see that I'll never truly be happy until I completely accept myself....lots of fear.
It's difficult getting to terms with yourself; just don't worry about what others think since ultimately, it's your life. Sexual abuse is, difficult to say the least, I know it's not easy however it's just something you've got to work though in life; what he did isn't important and you shouldn't have to feel that whomever is responsible for your feelings. If you like guys, then you like guys; not everyone clicks and not every experience it great, try and get out there for a while and feel it out. You'll never get a good feel for things if you just jump out there, get your feet wet and go back in the closet; not that that's bad, however if you really want to see where you stand relationship wise it isn't going to form good ties on the gay side, at least compared to women, whom it seems you've made a more significant effort to be with. Far as bisexuality goes, it's not really that straightforward. I've known plenty of guys who identify as bisexual however have never been in any straight relationships or even as far as having sex with women; at the same time some guys hook up with women but are committed to their same sex relationships. It's really to me something that I don't worry about, what I present to people at a place and time doesn't have to tell my entire history, it's just how I'm feeling right there and then; nothing wrong with that.
Hi allnewtome, I've been going through the same situation and your story seems quite similar to mine. I've only been with 3 women all my life. When it comes to the sexual part it never failed for me but I also fantasized about men. BUT...I fell in love with the last women and was in a relationship for 8 years. The emotional connection was solid and sex was pretty good but I often found myself being attracted to men and masturbating to gay porn on the side. I also have the same questions as you and wonder how I could have lasted in an 8 year relationship fully in love with my ex. The kicker for me was that I got sick and mentally 'guilted' myself into being truthful about myself (the illness was something that was affecting my logic and brain functions...really scary). I thought I seemingly was able to manage both lives but I guess my body was telling me I couldn't. It's not only until recently that I've began to accept mentally that I might be gay or bi but that might be something I'll have to tackle after I 'grieve' my relationship. The grieving has been a slow process but it seems to be getting better. But as I get better emotionally from the 'grieving' I've lost my sex drive... So that said I have a few questions... 1) How was it getting over your marriage? How long was your grieving process? It's only been 6 months since I came out to my ex but i still struggle with missing her. 2) What was sex like with your ex-wife? Did you fantasize about gay sex while you were having sex with her? Was the emotional connection a turn on? Did her being turned on turn you on? Was it a physical thing more than anything else? 3) Were any of your experiences with girls or the guy you met online blah because there was no emotional connection or you just weren't that into her/him? 4) Are you in therapy or seeing a counsellor & if yes, has it helped? I feel for your situation and can fully understand where you are at. I also wish there was a simple answer but I think that you'll have to continue to do the work to breakdown any pre-conceived notions you have regarding sexual orientation. You seem to be further along on your journey than I am so I'm interested in what you have to say. I did like what Lionel had to say and I'm going to try that. Good luck and best wishes...
1) The last year of my marriage was pretty brutal..she had made her mind up that it was over and I was a wreck. We did nothing but fight and she seldom had anything nice to say even in passing but even after she'd moved out it was probably a good six months to a year of grieving. 2) When we were first dating and first married our sex life was great. We were both relatively inexperienced going into it. Yes I did fantasize about gay sex while we were having sex...not everytime but there were certainly times. Particularly if I'd been drinking. It depended on the time sometimes the emotional connection was a turn on and others it was purely the physical need for sex. 3) I think the experiences may have been blah because of the lack of physical connection. I've only been with one guy (sober) and that's what through me off-I'd expected fireworks or a lightbulb to go off but there was a ton of nerves involved and after having been with women it's was a very different experience: smell, touch, feel etc were all so different I originally thought "well that's not for me". . then a short while later the thoughts and desire came back and I thought "well the first time with a woman was blah, awkward etc". 4) I'm not in therapy...I probably should be and had done some years ago and then about a month ago I met with a therapist and things didn't really click. I don't know how far a long I am in anything, somedays I think I've figured it all out then the next I wake up as confused as ever. The lack of sex drive is something I experienced through the ending of my marriage too...even during the last year would seldom even wake up with an erection but once the grieving process was worked through things on that front returned to normal.
I think if you try therapy again, and find one you do "click" with, it could be a huge help to you. Especially now. If you contact a professional organisation they can set you up with a very experienced therapist for a one-off assessment and then with the knowledge of (i) your circumstances (ii) the various therapists in your area.. they can make a recommendation for a referral to someone you are most likely to click with. Otherwise choosing a therapist can be a bit random. I have always asked for a male gay therapist as it makes me confident they are tuned in to my issues more than a straight man or woman might be. But thats just me...
The emotional attraction is definitely something to look at. I think that I'm in the same boat and that it's a big factor for me. Nonetheless, it confusing. I know. Sometimes sex is just a means to an end but to bond with someone on an emotional level is something else. Just a matter of what your end game is I guess. I think the fact that you've accepted yourself as bi is important but I also see the challenges that someone with that orientation faces. Good to know that as far as sex drive goes there is a light at the end of that tunnel. Maybe it will just take some time for me.
Thanks! Ya I don't think I can maneuver my way through all that's in my head on my own at the moment. I'd like to-but it doesn't seem to be happening. ---------- Post added 14th Apr 2013 at 06:51 PM ---------- I've over thought things a lot- and in reading through so many stories on here I've started to wonder how strong my attractions have been in the past to women-if it's subconsciously something that I felt I had to do to be normal...if I've allowed a deep sense of "friendship" to be enough when there was a lack of physical attraction. I've been trying to just not think about everything so much and just go through life. But then I try to just "see" who I find attractive in everyday life, on tv etc and then when nothing physical happens (other then just thinking hmm she's pretty) I start to wonder if it's just because I'm trying to hard. It's a vicious cycle...
[QUOTE/]Thanks! Ya I don't think I can maneuver my way through all that's in my head on my own at the moment. I'd like to-but it doesn't seem to be happening. [/QUOTE] I've had therapists that have not "clicked" with me.. a waste of time and money. But once I found the right one, we've been motoring along and ... wow it is helping huge amounts...
It's all easier said then done at the moment unfortunately. Money and lack of free time make the whole process of therapy tougher than I'd like at the moment because I do see the value in it. I'm trying to keep focused on other things and not "stress" to much about this whole thing which is easier said then done. I know I need to make the time and make the money available to get to the bottom of things sooner rather than later or I'll wake up in another five years in the same position..
