In 2007 (aged 29) I got married to a young man. In 2007 I met the love of my life who happened to be a girl. Feelings were new and uncontrollable but I didnt want to rush into things. I wanted time to understand myself. She, on the otherhand wanted me to leave him. She had nothing to lose - she was young (7 yrs younger), and still living with her parents. I stayed with him, though I told him the truth. But she left me - I dont blame her. She met a girl and has been living with her since 2009 in another country. I still think about her, about us. Beautiful memories cannot leave my mind. We still talk, but she's cold. She believes she moved on. But I still crave everything about her. Seems like I cannot move on In the meantime, I m still with my husband. No children and in a sexless marriage. We respect each other and that's it. I left him 2 summers ago but came back coz I was jealous of him meeting new people, enjoying himself, and jealous of the girl he was dating. When I left him, I came out to my family and some friends - where everyone accepted me though truth was a bit hard on mum. I know that I would be loving him more if I let him go but still I'm jealous Today I regret the fact that I didnt leave him to live the life he wants and me being with the girl I love. I regret also the fact that I came back to married life. Furthermore, as much as I want to be loved by a girl, I want to fit in a married life - but the latter seems not me. I am planning to leave this summer. This time for good but I am so afraid of my future, of remaining single as I love being in a loving relationship, and of not fitting in the lesbian scene too as I dont feel neither married and straight, nor a lesbian :\ I never had another lesbian relationship other than that one though I desire attention from lesbians. If I leave husband, I m convinced that I dont want to be with another man. I also have no gay friends as such and feel sooo alone. My only enemy is my mind who is not accepting the beauty of myself as a unique individual
Welcome to EC and thanks for sharing your story! Sounds like you hit the nail on the head with that last line. Your mind really is your biggest enemy. Another enemy you have is your fear of being alone. My advise is to just make the split and go after the life you've wanted. You're going to hurt at first (that's normal) and you'll be jealous of your ex until you find some new people and get yourself out on a date or two. (That's normal too.) Try not to think about what he's doing or not doing. Instead, focus as much of your energy as possible on taking small steps toward being YOU. As far as fitting into the "lesbian scene", there are plenty of gay people who don't fit into gay scenes. Clubs and bars aren't the easiest place to fit in as they can be filled with clique-ey groups or just plain awkward. So, don't try to fit in there. My guess is that when you meet an interesting girl with whom you have a lot in common, she'll take you to some places that will be more your speed. You're going to be fine, Eve. You're young and have plenty of time to find someone who loves you and that you can love. Hang in there!
Hello trevorthompson. Thanks for feedback. Yep I fear being alone big time! Not having a person who treats me as his/her special person fears me. I fear losing the comfort zone. I wish I can go to sleep and wake up and finds eveything settled - having my place, my girl, some loyal new friends and above all, happy. But that s a long road to travel! Seeing everyone, as in brothers and friends, settled and I have to start all over again makes me feel like a failure. And thinking that ppl around me are going to find out the real reason why I left hubby makes me feel very bad. I think I need to go back to some therapy sessions. I need to overcome all these fears to be able to live again, coz although I m only 35, I feel like there s no life in my life. I lost confidence and self esteem as well. Sometimes I feel very angry about the fact that this girl interfered in my life (I share half the blame). But then I reason that it's better that it happened when it happened when there were no kids involved. I have to find my aim in life.
