All my sisters are married and/or have kids of their own. It just reminds me of how alone I feel and reminds me that I am lying to all of them. Getting the comments of, "You need a woman." which I pretend to laugh at while inside I am frozen in shame. Knowing I've kept up the veneer so well that they can't really see me is heartbreaking. I find myself more and more coming a little late to these family events and just waiting for the first person to leave so I don't look like a jerk leaving first. My family also asked me about doing something for my birthday at the end of this month and I told them I am just going to be too busy with work to do anything. This is partially true, but I said this to them because I already know that my birthday is just going to be a depressing reminder that I am another year older and still unable to overcome my fear and anxiety. They noticed today that I was pretty withdrawn, but I made up the excuse that I was tired from going to an outdoors themed film festival last night. This just made me feel worse of course, but they seemed to buy it. Anyone else in the closet just get really depressed when going to family gatherings?
Being in the closet will affect all your social interactions, not just during holidays (which are more noticed because they are the most common). A story: suppose a good friend of yours who lives in another city has lost his mother to cancer. You know you need to call him, but you've been putting it off; it's awkward, and difficult to talk with people who've lost someone, what if you say something stupid, etc? But you call anyway, you talk and comfort your friend, and after you hang up, you feel a little better about yourself, you took that bull by the horns and you made yourself vulnerable by calling him; you overcame that vulnerability and the end result was that your friend was also able to be vulnerable in this time of grief, he cried and thanked you for calling, he acknowledged also that he knew it would difficult for you to call but he admired your courage for doing so anyway... Coming out means letting others see you as you truly are, and that is the most vulnerable way to be. But your relationships will never be normal until you take that step, your family events will always be this miserable. Come out to them, have the courage and the strength to be vulnerable. They will respond, and if there is love, which I am sure there is, they in turn will take on the vulnerable position of accepting you as you are and, in turn, you will forge a deeper connection with them...it's the only way...
I know the feeling. I feel lonely when the holidays come because I live alone and am single. The family (what is left of them) can all go fuck themselves, and I don't care that much about getting together with them anymore. But just being single and living alone during that time cane be hard. And it seems to be getting worse each year, that is my main concern. May be it is time for me to look at getting into a LTR, or married soon. California is going to open up to same sex marriage late June this year, and I may as well think in those terms. I have always been a loner, and enjoy so much time alone anyway, I might not be able to give up my space, who knows?
Family gatherings aren't my cup of tea either. My family's pretty sprawled out on views, and while some more 'liberal' ideas of things like gun control (As in, they should be limited at all in anyway), social polices, evolutionism and global warming, etc they are still pretty religious heavy and it doesn't take long for someone to start sprawling about religious references, bibles and all that. They continually put down people of more active communities and are pretty isolating themselves; continually debating over minor trivial things, it's just a bit overwhelming at times. I live on the less conservative side, partly driven by the fact that we're poor (or blue collar, less than $100k a year), and dealing with my other relatives whom are all 'privileged' and very socially and economically conservative is difficult. Some of the more outspoken 'liberal' members don't attend many gatherings and I don't blame em; to be honest I'm not feeling it myself. So yeah holidays can be depressing. I'm going to play it by ear next time around (I'll be out to everyone in the coming year) and If any issues arise I'll just go somewhere else or hang out with friends. My best holidays have been spent that way already, so I don't feel any obligation to go anyways. If attending holiday/family gatherings is just going to be a pain, then they can deal with me not being there and I won't go.
I think I accidentally made it sound like my family will be more judgemental than I anticipate. My sisters will probably be fine, though the one does seem clueless. My dad will probably just be awkward. My mom could seriously go off the deep end as she definitely has some anxiety/anger issues of her own that she has not really dealt with. I'm worried she could end up putting herself into a major depression. There is no question in my mind that she will become verbally abusive to any family member nearby. She's gone off for much less. I am most upset by feeling trapped by my fear, and my family not being able to know the 'real' me. Honesty and integrity are SO SO important to me in all areas of my life. This is the one major area where I am still hopelessly failing to live up to my own core values. That destroys me inside a little more each day and makes it difficult to maintain relationships as greatwhale so eloquently put it. Again, thank you everyone for your support and kind words!
I am sorry to hear that you have been having a tough time. I think holiday periods can be difficult in general for many people, but for LGBTQ people they are often nightmares. I am fortunate enough to have a supportive family... but I know many people who view these sort of occasions with feeling ranging from mild discomfort right through to full blown terror. I hope that over time, as you start to feel more at ease with yourself, you will also feel more at ease over these tricky periods.
Hey SimpleMan, I completely understand what you are feeling. I come from large extended family, 2 brothers, 1 sister and like 13 cousins. My family is extremely close, all live within a half hour to each other. There is a family event almost every other weekend. I am closeted to all but my parents (told them last year). It's hard watching all my younger cousins and siblings get married and start families why I am still alone. I show up to the family events alone. Try to arrive late like you. Have to endure all the questions about when I'm going to find that nice girl to bring to the events. And if that wasn't enough, everyone is very Evangelical/Catholic right wing tea party, so I don't fit in at all. My brother hates poor people and feels they are a drain on society. My sister hates gay people and non-Christians feeling like they make bad life choices. My mom will talk about the last think Pat Robertson said. I just don't know what to do at these things anymore. I feel so completely alone. I'm having a hard time finding a social lgbt group to do things with so I don't have an outlet. David
