In a marathon 3 hour conversation, I finally came out to my wife last night. While it was hard, I feel that I've truly entered a new space in my journey. As I told her, I have no way to predict the future, but we'll take it one step and one day at a time. She admitted to being afraid for me and for us. She works in mental health and knows the challenges of changing identities late in life. Truth be told, I imagine that she's going to have some very rough days ahead. So much of last night was about the shock of getting so much new information at once. There was so much to tell....and everything had to be slowed down, so that she could absorb all of these new facts about her husband of 38 years. While it was exhausting, it feels like the right timing, and the proper manner in which to have gone about this reveal. I now need to prepare myself for the next few weeks, where I'm certain lots more questions will come. I won't always have an answer, but that's okay, as well. Anyway, that's the update! Advice on what comes next is most welcome from those who've traveled this path.
Hi, Well that is done... Gotta be a relief! You must have some idea what you want to come next. I know I do.
I'm happy to hear you came out. You are correct that you need to prepare for the fallout and for more than just a few weeks. Her reactions can vary from silence to intense anger. Have you taken time to steel yourself for the worst? She could simply go to an attorney and start proceedings for a divorce. She could ask you to move out. I am not sure of your situation but have you prepared for this worst case scenario? I hope it works better than this. I hope she understands that you have made a late discovery and need to proceed with your new life. You do need to be understanding about her position and expect questions and discussion no matter how she takes this. I wish you all the best in this process. (*hug*)
Congratulations on coming out to her - the most important person in your life. That is a major accomplishment. Yes - the next few weeks will be full of uncertainty, stress, and emotions. Remember that you've had years to contemplate this, and she has only learned about it now. Also remember that there is an upside for you - a new freedom and happiness - an excitement about what the future might hold. For her there is none of that. Only downside from where she is sitting - which is sad and will prove challenging for you both to stay close and on the same page in your relationship.
Sorry for my misleading sentence about what comes next. I'm pretty certain I know what I want to come next. I was thinking more of what to expect from my wife, as she adjusts to this new information. I'm not planning to separate, just yet, but do desire a new life for me in the near future. She needs some time to figure stuff out and become less fearful....more independent. She will find the prospect of being alone incredibly challenging. If I lay that on her right away, there's a risk that she'll end up in a tail spin. I care about her too much to do anything but my absolute utmost to make sure she'll be okay down the road. The advice that I've found most helpful is to not rush things. To be patient...but keep the plan moving. Separating from someone you love dearly is not easy....but for me...it is necessary.
I applaud your bravery and honesty. Big step. And very important for both your and her happiness in the future. When I told my girlfriend, initially she seemed ok -- then the aftermath was tough. And be prepared for questions about whether or not you've been with other men and whether she needs to worry about her health as a result. You've had more time to adjust to this than she has. Let her share her questions and feelings with you. I think what I discovered is that I'd just as soon not dealt with the questions, talking it through defused much of the anger and let her process. It does get better.
Wow, congratulations at finding the courage after so many years married. I came out to my wife just over a week ago and am still somewhat in a state of shock myself and not yet got my thoughts together to report back to you guys, I hope in the next day to get something posted after this first week out. Sale Gay Guy
I sincerely wish you the best of luck. If the next few days get kind rough, remember, it will get better. You may both need to seek out some support during this period. Basically someone you can each individually talk with to help sort things out in your head. Anytime a long term relation ends, it's bound to have many emotions attached. Having recently been on the "surprised" side of an ending 18 yr relationship, I completely agree with those who have recommended patience. It will most likely take some time to process everything as I can imagine this will bring many changes for you both. Having said all of that. There's always the possibility it won't be a huge surprise. I tend to be emotional whether I want to or not.
