Update on the first 10 days after coming out to my wife.

Hi Folks, this is an update on the last 10 days since I came out to my wife.

Saturday night: came out to my very supportive and understanding wife, who had no idea I was gay. If you have not read my coming out post: My wife and I want to try and make an open relationship work and she is ok with me meeting other guys for sex since she is now asexual. She does not want me developing any long term relationship with a guy and has said she is ok with NSA or FWB.

Sunday: We went out for a long drive. My wife just wanted reassurance that I was not going to leave her; we did not talk very much about my outing but I noticed that for most of the day she had moist eyes. Later that day we called in on her parents, she acted as though nothing had happened. We did agree not to tell her parents for now because her dad is a bit homophobic.

Tuesday: Whilst watching “The New Normal” my wife said she would like a friend like Bryan, the effeminate guy, but said he’s no good for you he’s not your type is he? She also asked again if we won the lottery would I leave her.
Wednesday: She reiterated that she did not want me telling our gay neighbours that I was gay. She was worried that they may be indiscrete and tell their friends who may hang around outside our house laughing at us. I don’t get this, is she in denial? I don’t want to push this just yet but I do need her to be comfortable in me talking to them openly (they already know as I have talked to them in confidence).

Thursday: Whilst out shopping in the local Mall she is asking do I fancy this guy or that guy. To me this sounds like she is accepting the situation. She has said that she would prefer it if I did not go out in public with my new friends in case someone we knew saw us. This did happen to me a few years ago when I met up with an old school friend who I thought was gay, we met up in a country pub in the middle of nowhere next to a main road. Just by chance my wife’s colleague happened to drive past and saw me, fortunately on this occasion my wife knew I was out meeting an old friend so it saved an embarrassing conversation. We also talked about how we should describe my recreational male friend(s), I left this open since I was not sure how the term boyfriend or Fuckbuddy would go down, so still working on this.

Yesterday: Another guy comes to the house this time to to service the alarm, my wife asked me if I fancied him, I think she thinks I would fancy guy .. No he was not my type. I am beginning to think perhaps I should let her look at my collection of cute but fully clothed guys but not my porn collection, so that she can understand me better. Is this a good idea??

Overall I think the initial shock has now worn off both of us and life is beginning to get back to normal between us, but at the moment I am not yet seeing guys so I suspect that it is then when things will start to get a little difficult.

I propose next week to get registered on a health scheme for gay men and get my Hep A/B jabs before I start actively seeking out a Fuckbuddy for NSA/FWB. I think this will help get the message over and make it seem real that I intend to meet up with guys for sex even though she has said she is ok with this.

I have now downloaded several “location based” apps on my phone and left them installed rather that deleting after each use as before. I have created a profile with my current photo, face visible, and made my age public and explained my situation. I have been surprised at the number of younger guys who have contacted me even at my age. I have chatted, if you can call a few one liners a chat, with some guys but I get the impression I should only use the app if I am ready for action immediately within the next few hours. The people using the apps don’t seem to want to get into a conversation first so that I can get to know something about them. I would be interested in other people’s views on this method of meeting guys for NSA vs. FWB.

A curious thing has happened since coming out to my wife : I am reading Joe Kort’s book “10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real Love”, so far I have just skimmed it because I was reading it clandestinely; now I am out I can take time with it. I saw a mention in the book about what your choice of porn said about you and suddenly realised, after 6 or 7 years secretly looking at gay porn that I didn’t even know specifically what sort of porn I was drawn to. Up until this week I was just looking at, and jacking off to men having sex with other men.

I now find myself being very picky as to the kind of guys I like looking at. Up till now I have not really looked at still photos, it’s all been about action video clips. This may be down to the fact that streamed video viewing activity was easier to hide on my computer that 100s of photos of naked men so I didn’t bother downloading photos, but if I’m honest I don’t ever recall looking at still photos.

After some serious “scientific research!!” over the last weekend looking at 1000s of photos from various web sites I have selected 100s that appeal to me, but I can’t say yet exactly what it is that I find attractive. I found that skimming the contact sheets of photos I could decide in less than ¼ second if I liked someone or not. I also found that I was more drawn to the guys face than his cock, and even more interestingly I found my choice included tattooed guys and hairy guys both of which I have never thought would have been my type. Another interesting thing (it’s a bit icky) was that whilst I was looking at the still photos, even though I didn’t have an erection all the time, I was producing gallons of pre-cum which I don’t generally do whilst jacking off to video clips.

I also found that I like photos of guys kissing; this is especially appealing since I work with a 30” monitor on my PC so I can size the photo to make it life size.

I suspect that my new found desire for still photos of guys is linked to the fact that I am now out to my wife and I can be myself for the first time and be attracted to guys rather than just the sex part.

Sale Gay Guy

 

Hi Chip,

Thanks for the advice, yes things are going much better than I had imagined. I will have a look at the TED talks and watch them with my wife. As to when I should come out to family I will give it a few weeks and see how she feels.

I think some of the shame she feels may come from the fact that for many years she has been asexual and as a result our marriage has been sexless and she feels guilty, she may feel worried that that fact may come out if we get into a discussion about my coming out.

Sale Gay Guy

 

Update T+18 Days.

Not much has changed yet. My wife has not really talked about me being gay but has agreed to try some counseling but not yet arranged any. I tried to inject some humor the other night when we were in bed by shouting out “OMG there is a gay man in the bed” she laughed but did not discuss the situation.

I had agreed not to go out playing until I have had some HEP A/B jabs and enrolled myself in a gay man’s health scheme. I expect to go next week for the jabs and think that this process will make the reality of what we agreed sink in so I expect some reaction then.

I have had a look at the TED videos that Chip talked about, they were quite interesting.

I have created a profile on a web site that seems to focus more on social interaction, friendship, and advice rather than just a hookup site so I hope to get some contact from local guys. One of the guys lives close to me and is involved in running a gay man’s social group so I have written to him explaining my situation in an open relationship and asking if I will be welcome at his group. So I will wait and see what happens on that front.

The stress I was feeling about being closeted and coming out is subsiding and I am more focused on work now. I still would like to be able to openly talk to our gay neighbors so will press my wife this weekend to find out why she does not want me talking to them.

We agreed that I would keep my gay life separate but have not yet arranged any rules as to when I should go out to play and how much I should tell her, obviously for safety I should tell her where I have gone.

I am in the process of writing a report to be presented to the UK government and major news organizations that has found fault with, and is heavily critical of, some UK government legislative processes and as a result I anticipate being interviewed by the press. I am therefore not sure if I should be using my real name and photo on gay contact web sites, does anyone have experience of keeping public and private life separate since I am not out to everyone.

Sale Gay Guy

 

Three weeks since I came out:

This afternoon whilst in a crowded garden centre restaurant my wife just said without any warning and probably within earshot of other diners “I know you’re just going to be meeting men for sex but you should find a decent one, you don’t want any old duffer you should find a younger guy. You need to use your eye cream more; you don’t want to look like a 30 year old from the back and a 60 year old from the front.” She then went on to discuss if I should use hair dye to cover up my grey patches. Is this her way of saying she is accepting of the situation? I was lost for words and somewhat embarrassed.

Later this evening at home and again without warning she said it’s 3 weeks today since you came out. I asked her how she was feeling about the situation, she replied she was beginning to get used to it but would probably find it harder once I start seeing guys for sex. I asked her if she had discussed it with any of her friends yet, no she didn’t want to do that until she had seen a therapist.

I asked if she was comfortable in me talking to our gay neighbours but she is still not comfortable for me to do that as she is worried that they will be indiscrete and other neighbours finding out and if that was the case she would want us to move. She would rather me meet anonymous guys at some gay support group so I will see how that works out if I can make some time this week to go to one of the groups I have been invited to.

After more experimentation with a certain “Location based” contact app with a yellow background I have become more disillusioned with it and think it’s not for me in my circumstance. I think finding FWB would be better using a web based system that allows a fuller discussion with a guy or better still meeting someone in a social setting.

Sale Gay Guy.

 

Hi GreatWhale & Skiff

Thanks for the reply’s, yes it has been somewhat extraordinary so far and much better that I could have imagined, and if I am honest I think she has coped better with my coming out than I have, I still can’t quite believe that I have done it.

I think her reluctance for me to talk to our gay neighbours is probably symptomatic of shame and humiliation and the realisation that someone she knows also knows I’m gay, or perhaps more specifically knows that she is married to a gay guy, whereas before it was just my therapist who knew and she has never met him.

As for her wanting me to look my best; I am having more difficulty with this, my feelings alternate between

• She is saying this to make me feel uncomfortable and gets enjoyment out of it
• She is genuinely supportive and wants me to have a good time within the parameters we have agreed to i.e no relationships. But this seems counterproductive if as Skiff said she is thinking 20 something guys then that would be correct there would not likely be many guys of that age looking for a permanent relationship with an older guy, although many 20 something’s have contacted me on the app I mentioned. However she does not yet know what kind of guy I would be looking for (I’m thinking 30+ for experience and maturity) and if I make myself more aesthetically pleasing then this action would make the possibility of a LTR more likely.
• She is saying she doesn’t want me in a gay LTR, but secretly or subconsciously wanting me to enter a LTR with a guy so we can split up.​

Only time will tell just what is behind the comments she makes and they may well change once I start actively meeting guys socially and for sex.

I am not looking forward to the rage stage since she is a red head and has something of a temper and has taken to throwing things in the past, so I hope this stage will pass quickly and without too much damage.

Sale Gay Guy

 

Hi Filip & Skiff

Thanks for the comments, concerns, and support. First Skiff, re the gold diggers, don’t worry at the moment I chose not to work in a conventional job, I’m setting up a new business on my own and have no spare cash to spread around.

Filip: Perspective from younger folk is always appreciated, Your thoughts re 20 something’s line up with Skiff and they would be less of a LTR risk. I will test the water my making my thoughts on the type of guy I am attracted to know to my wife and see if this causes a change in her attitude, at the very least it will help to establish the boundaries.

Where in Belgium are you from? I lived in Brussels-Evere and worked in Zaventem from 1998-2004 before returning to the UK

Sale Gay Guy