Is this a normal step in acceptance?

Hi AllNewToMe

Although I have been out to myself for a year now I came out to my wife a week ago, since then a curious thing has happened to my porn viewing. I now find myself being very picky as to the kind of guys I like looking at. Up till now I have not really looked at still photos, it’s all been about action video clips and sex. This may be down to the fact that streamed video viewing activity was easier to hide on my computer that 100s of photos of naked men so I didn’t bother downloading photos, but if I’m honest I don’t ever recall looking at still photos.

After some serious “scientific research!!” over the last weekend looking at 1000s of photos from various web sites I have selected 100s that appeal to me, but I can’t say yet exactly what it is that I find attractive. I found that skimming the contact sheets of photos I could decide in less than ¼ second if I liked someone or not. I also found that I was more drawn to the guys face than his cock, and even more interestingly I found my choice included tattooed guys and hairy guys both of which I have never thought would have been my type.

I also found that I like photos of guys kissing; this is especially appealing since I work with a 30” monitor on my PC so I can size the photo to make it life size.

I suspect that my new found desire for still photos of guys is linked to the fact that I am now out to my wife and I can be myself for the first time and be attracted to guys rather than just the sex part.

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I've definitely been noticing a difference in me too. I had previously thought about sexual situations and fetishes. Now I find myself noticing smiles and eyes.

 

Hi Italy or Bust

Yep you are right it’s the smiles and eyes that do it both in porn and in real life. After looking at 100s of photos of naked men it really is the face that I look at when scanning through my photo album, the rest of the body is less important.

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Yep, I'm with ya. Before it was all bodies. Now it's bodies, minds, smiles, souls...the works. A relationship instead of just sex. Glad to know I'm not the only one

 

This is truly fascinating!

And it has been very much my experience as well. Suddenly, these are human beings (they always were, of course) with whom we can finally share our whole selves.

 

I find this to be true. There was this cute pharmacist yesterday who helped me out. I had to wait a good 20 minutes for my prescription to be ready, and got a little smitten listening in to his conversation with the other pharmacists during that time. My heart definitely skipped a beat when he rang me up at the register. He seemed to have a knowing gleam in his eye, but after I noticed that I couldn't get myself to make eye contact again.

 

yeah hey dude,

ummm i just attracted to sex and body of a dude... dont really care what he looks like...

think only a few are like that... maybe its coz im bi? but yeah i dont think your alone on that one...

 

I'm kinda with ya, Winfield. When I was watching lots of girl porn (still do), I loved the looks on a girl's face. It was so nice. With a guy these days in porn, it's this overwhelming feeling, like something new. It's less intense these days than when I first came out. Maybe I'm really more turned on by a girl's body/face/soul, but the idea of sex with a guy it really is. But I'm sure I felt like that when I first was looking at girls during my teens. Just hard to remember. But falling in lust/love with all those girls...

Now I guess I can add guys to the equation as well, to whatever degree my sexuality takes me.

 

Dang Brutha!! spot on

im more into girls myself and so picky on her features, from eyes to hair and height etc coz it could lean to a relationship..

with guys its just sex for me and nothing more... so as long as they have a good bod im gamed dont care bout anything else.. only picky on bod coz im all about fitness and trainning and would expect the guy/chick to be the same

 

Seems like an appropriate time/post to ask this: For everyone who has come out as gay, bi or is still questioning, what was sex like when you were with someone of the opposite sex that was your partner and what was your sex drive like after you came out or shortly after? This is what it was and is like for me:

• For most of my life, I used to look at straight porn or gay sections of newspapers and be attracted to the guys and when internet porn became accessible I watched and masturbated to that and fantasized about guys

• I was in a relationship with a woman from age 30-38 where I fell in love and we had a decent sex life up until I came out 6 months ago. I was really into the online porn and camming. I felt like I was 'different' or a 'weirdo' which was a personality trait that I always embraced but also 'loved' being sexual with my ex. I say 'loved' now but I question how much I actually did but I can remember being totally into it early in the relationship and when I was totally 'in the moment'. I seemed to get turned on most when she was turned on. Our emotional connection was intense.

• For a while after we broke up, just being near her sometimes gave me an erection and I would tell her. In fact, after we moved out of our shared apartment. She stopped by new apartment and we started to make out but she decided to put a halt to it because she said it didn't feel right for her. I didn't push it but it still makes me wonder...

• So...today I was watching gay porn then switched to straight porn to see if it would do anything for me. Made me miss certain things about being with her. Ended up masturbating to the straight porn fantasizing about her.

• That said, I am not really turned on these days by either gay porn or straight porn. In fact, I don't really seem to have a sex drive and don't seem to want either. To further that, I've lost a lot of desire & enjoyment around other sensual perceptions (eg. enjoying warmth of the sun, the taste of food, the joy of music). Prior to me coming out to her I was a very creative person working in an industry where I have to be creative. I used to have a passionate, considered, enjoyable life. I was never depressed, never battled bouts of sadness, looked every challenge in the eye and didn't backdown, accepted my life for what it was and now I could care less.

Apathetic? In different? yep, all of the above. And as I write this I realize I sound whiny and am wallowing in self pity and I'm saying to myself "Who is this writing this?" but I've never been that. Really, honestly.

Also, I feel like the today was a bit of a setback in terms of accepting that I could be gay and I understand the sexuality is fluid and that being bi is a possibility but this is such a mindf:***:k and sooooo confusing. And the lack of sexual drive is also an obvious concern....

Anyone else experience this??

 

It's so weird for me, UP. The first time I ever looked at porn (about 9), I focused on the woman, but when I came to climax, I remember wondering what it would feel like to be the guy. I climaxed to the guy, and raised many questions after.

For years after, I only focused on the girl, not really because I didn't want to focus on the guy for very many homophobic reasons (maybe a few, but not primary, I don't think), but because the girl was so interesting, intriguing, and most importantly, turned me on very much.

Once after, I engaged in a mutual masturbation with my brother (not really looking at each other), but his presence oddly turned me on more than usual. Anyway, I didn't put much thought to it, so I continued looking at girls and thinking about them for many years later.

As far as my relations with women, I fooled around much in my teens, and it totally delighted me. So I remember it that way. I didn't have my first sexual relations until I was 22, but I couldn't get an erection because I was on anti-depressants. It bummed me out to no end. When I met my current girlfriend, I made sure to get the hell off those things (even with Viagra it was a bitch), and I had no problem getting it up. I'm pretty positive about that. Definitely compared to the anti-depressant days.

But what's weird is that while I'm in a relationship with her, my bi/gay side mysteriously came out. I don't understand it at all. I get arousals to guys, but it somehow doesn't feel as fulfilling as my old days with women did. I try to accept it, but it's really hard. Maybe it's internalized homophobia. It comes about when I'm making love to her. I'm enjoying her body, the way I would love a woman's body in the old days, but then I'd get images of male parts and climax, but it feels really unfulfilling. My therapist told me to go with the thoughts, and I do. It's so awkward though, for some reason. I have a lot of trouble accepting that I'm gay or whatever. Maybe I should try harder or better. Idk.

But today, I watched porn, focusing on the guy, a lot, in order to accept this, but I keep getting turned on by the girl. I don't get it. I tried all sorts of combination of porn. Multiple guys, gay porn, shemales, whatever. But it's the damn girl that turns me on! Guys too, probably to some extent. Which is nice. But I don't understand why I've had so many gay fantasies, when objectively, in porn or whatever, I'm more turned on by the girl (at least recently again), like I always have been.

I guess sexuality is weird. Sorry for stealing your thread, allnewtome. I'm just responding to UP.

 

In response to UP above, there is a thing called being Demisexual, where arousal only happens when there is an emotional connection with another person.

This may explain a lot...

 

Thanks for the input guys...

allnewtome - yeah sorry for hijacking the post. hope it's ok but it seemed appropriate to ask this stuff in your post.

Musician - yeah...so confusing. It's weird or unsettling that after all this I have neither desire nor strong attraction anymore

greatwhale - thanks for that...gonna read up on it

 

I'm gay. I know that. Sex with a man is so fulfilling in a way that sex with a woman was not, and I was very much in love with women during my life.

And 99% of the time, at the gym say, its great to watch the guys. But there are times, when I see a woman and I imagine running my hands over her breasts or even f*cking her. What can I say. It would only be a moment. It wouldn't be emotional.

The question I was asked by my shrink was -- who do I want to wake up next to? Man or woman. and for me its unequivocably -- a man. I suspect you'll say the same.

 

First, I have no understanding of "bi" for I am gay. It has to be hugely frustrating.

However as a gay I am fully aware of the homophobia out there and how it can be reflected in internalized denial (consciously or not). I never denied my sexuality to myself but kept it closeted to avoid discrimination. So societal homophobia has broad implications.

I have no clue if the shifting tide of being bi is the battle of nature versus nurture (biological gay vs societal internalized homophobia) or some other process going on. I am sure there are as many theories as there are researchers.

But what I learned being a closeted gay for years... Never invest emotionally into a closeted gay for the lie is paramount and you will be eventually dumped to protect their lie.

I can only assume (and assuming is never good) a similar dynamic exists with being bi. A gay/straight person who emotionally invests in a bisexual relationship will be short changed in the long run as the bi partner's preference shifts.

if this dynamic exists it has to be a huge frustration for bi people.

As a gay I can avoid bonding with a closeted gay or bisexual to avoid the emotional trauma of loss related there, but the bisexual has to ride the tide of changing desires.

I know there is no choice involved for the bi and it has to be difficult.