I am really conflicted right now and under a lot of pressure. I am living with my partner, and trying to finish college. I came out transgendered to her a few months ago. Since then it has been a roller coaster. Neither of us has a job. For a while, when things were bad between us, I let some stuff slide as far as school goes, and I'm feeling the crunch right now. I have multi week projects due tomorrow in 3 of my classes, and an exam. If all of this wasn't enough... my partner and I had a lot of arguments, but we came to an uneasy peace, which turned into what seemed like full support after a while. The trouble is, I'm realizing more and more that her end goal is some kind of compromise where I am basically a man in a dress. From my point of view, her goal is me in a state of permanent transition. And transition is the one step in my life I would like to complete as quickly as possible. She is pushing hard for the exact opposite of what I need. I would rather go back fully into the closet than the place she wants me to go. Every step I take toward my goal, is her feeling like she's lost a battle. She can't deal with losing her male partner. She still tells me there must be something I can do. Some psychologist who can help me reach what she considers a reasonable middle ground. She doesn't come out and say that I should try to cure my being transgendered but she hints at it strongly. She sees gender transition as cosmetic surgery and doesn't understand why anyone would do it. Why I can't just settle for some kind of arrangement where she allows me to put on her clothes and calls me my female name every now and then for kicks. I have no way of making her understand. My emotions are so conflicted. Some times, like this morning, part of me is screaming to just cave in and do whatever she wants. I'm still very attracted to her. But more importantly, I love her. I'm ashamed to say I don't love the person she has turned into. I guess both of us are scared we'll never get to see the person we fell in love with again. Her partner is changing on the outside. Mine has already changed on the inside. But you can't explain that to the heart. The heart knows that this is my person, the one who was with me when I couldn't pay rent, the one that talked me into following my dreams and starting college. The one I shared so many bright and dark times with. I've even caved in. In fact, the only reason I can keep going often is because I remember what happened when I did. Nothing will ever be enough. Not now, that she knows. Her life was destroyed in her eyes, and it's all my fault, and no amount of my acting the man will ever change that. And part of me is screaming to keep going. After a life full of so much pain, to finally be this close to getting past it and being able to focus on life and my goals, after all the difficult steps I took and growing up I did. Growing into the life my entire childhood hinted I could have if I ever had the courage. Only to turn around at the last second. My heart also knows this pain. And tells me just as strongly to continue on, to be myself, to break out of this male cocoon, to live a life that makes sense. To finally not be ashamed of who I am. Even if every surgery and form of help is denied to me, to just have the courage to be myself and stop being trapped by the expectations of the people around me. To be the woman I know I am. The worst days aren't the days where she and I are drained and in tears, too dead to feel anything. The worst days are the days like today. When she sees me coming in from the outside in male clothes, and smiles, and talks about how great it is to have her man back. :tears: So many times she makes me feel hope, like this could work. We've made love with both of us as women. I don't want to TMI anyone but it was the best sex I have ever had, as awkward as it was. She tells me sometimes she loves me as my female self. But the patterns my head notices and my heart doesn't, I can't ignore those. I really apologize for how long this was. I ramble a lot. But I just don't know how I would leave her if I had to. I know this is toxic for both of us. One of us being happy means the other one miserable. I feel like I've had to do so many things I never thought I could do lately, and I've found whatever it took in me to do them. But I just can't take the thought of breaking her heart and mine :tears: She didn't do anything to deserve all this. I did something wrong. I didn't keep this side of myself from her completely. She always knew I cross dressed. But I lied, to her and me, that I could make this work that way. That I could deny who I was all the time except behind closed doors. That I could only be me in the dark. That I could take her treating me like the man everyone else sees and interacts with. That my soul could continue being a dirty, painful secret. I really just do not have the words to explain why I need this. I just know I do. But I need her too :tears: Thanks to anyone who can offer help and life experiences. I feel better getting some of this out of me and off my chest. Which is good. I've got a lot of work to do and not enough time to do it. These projects I should have been working on aren't going to do themselves.
