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Depressed by "Coming Out Story" videos

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by bingostring, Apr 4, 2013.

  1. bingostring

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    YouTube is constantly pushing "Coming Out Story" videos at me. Because I watch a lot of them.

    But it feels like every time I watch one ... a bit of me dies.

    I mean - almost without exception - they are all incredible videos. But mainly made by teens and twenty-somethings who seem to have got their acts together and sharing their struggles online.

    It just fuels a sadness inside. At that age, I could not do what they are doing ... and how different my life would be now if I'd had 5% of their courage.

    Does anyone else have this reaction? Maybe I should just stop watching them.
     
  2. Ianthe

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    It's normal to grieve over the lost time.

    Keep in mind that YouTube, like most of the Internet, is mostly dominated by young people. It's not that other people aren't coming out at your age, it's that people your age don't make YouTube videos about it for the most part. :slight_smile:
     
  3. Sayu

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    Don't be depressed because of what you didn't do, look forward for what you can do now! :slight_smile:
     
  4. skiff

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    Ummm... Bingostring, how old are you? You know how the world has changed since the 50/60's.

    Should I complain because in my boyhood there was no Wii, PS2, electric scooters, Internet, over the counter condoms, etc, etc, etc?

    We grew up in a different world. It wasn't homophobic it was homononexistant.

    Give yourself a break. They have a world you never dreamed of.

    ---------- Post added 4th Apr 2013 at 01:19 PM ----------

    Add to that the "gay plague" starting in the early 80's as a starting point. Many never had an emotional chance in heck to come out naturally in youth.
     
  5. lazyboy

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    This.

    Don't waste your time pining over what could have been. You can't change it anyway. Just try to enjoy what you have now.
     
  6. Blaine Monroe

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    well, at least I know I'm not alone in the world! I do love to watch them but they seem to make me soooooo depressed! I can't imagine myself coming out to my parents any time soon! I mean, not even my friends know (but I'm thinking about telling them though!)
     
  7. MixedNutz

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    I was absolutely he same just 6 years ago.

    I was 25, and still terrified to be who I really was. Between the YouTube videos and the gay themed movies like Shelter, and Latter Days I was very depressed. It pushed me to take steps to being in the other side of those videos and movies. Since then I have came out to close friends, met the love of my life, whom I live with and even came out to my mother.

    It's hard not to think about time you've wasted, but you have to turn those feelings into the drive to make up for lost time.
     
  8. greatwhale

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    The great psychologist, C.G. Jung said that life is a process of becoming yourself. I have come out way "late" in life, but maybe I came out at just the right time for me!

    Maybe I had to do all those other things first, and maybe (as I've said elsewhere here) only now is the love of my life ready to meet me!
     
  9. Mogget

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    If the videos upset you, don't watch them. It's perfectly normal to be upset over chances we missed earlier in life, but there's no need to seek out things that upset you.
     
  10. Jeff

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    I understand a bit of envy, at how these younger men are able to come out and everything all of a sudden is better for them. And had many of us come out at their age things would have gotten a lot worse very quickly.

    So now we are able to come out, and all, but it is different.

    I came out in my mind to my self at 13 or 14. And began telling close friends (very select ones) around at 19 or so. So I never got to make the big splash and enjoy a bit of an awakening, or enlightenment. It just never washed over me as a big wave of freedom, or stress release. It was the same old me.

    But I enjoy watching the videos, and am glad for the youngest kids who get up the confidence to go for it. Everyone has their disappointments in life, and nobody is getting off free and easy. We all have struggles, and so we much have some compassion for even those that appear to have it all. It ain't that easy.
     
  11. bdman

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    Yes, I used to watch a lot of these videos with the exact same depressing reaction. I still do watch them occasionally with the same result. I think a lot of the problem is knowing that being older means opportunities to find love and companionship are less likely which is true whether gay or straight. It is only compounded knowing that social opportunities for older gay people are rare. So we start thinking if we were only 21 again in 2013 where the world is more accepting and have tons of lgbt social activities around a college campus, we really could have the opportunity to have the life we want. Of course there would be no guarantees but there would be hope. My therapist tells me to just start a lgbt meetup group for the 30's&40's age range, but I don't want to be its only member, that would just make me more depressed.

    So I start thinking about weather to have the courage to come out. Then it hits you that if you were younger coming out would be essential in order to build the life you want so they have that push. Since we are older and have less of that opportunity coming out is a risk with far less reward.

    I know this isn't helping much and the last thing I want to do is bring other people down. I only mean to tell you that the feelings you have are normal. And there are plenty of success stories of folks right here who have come out late and found love, peace and happiness.
     
    #11 bdman, Apr 6, 2013
    Last edited: Apr 6, 2013
  12. greatwhale

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    May one of those success stories be yours to tell!

    I would only challenge your assumption that it is harder for older gents to find love...there are a hell of a lot of us coming out these days, and we have both the means and experience that the young'uns don't have.

    Just to say, don't sell yourself short!
     
  13. skiff

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    I think there are "for profit" groups spring up to address this issue.

    "Go Out Loud" of Salem, MA is an example of this activity.
     
  14. BMC77

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    I have lots of regrets about the past--and not just wishing I'd come out of the closet at, say, 18. At the same time, though, the past is passed. All I can do is live in the present.

    Not that living in the present is easy. I try to have faith that somehow, something will come of this process I'm going through. But that faith can be hard to find, sometimes.

    A part of me would like to be in a relationship, but another part has serious doubt whether that will ever happen. As stated before, it's easy meeting other gay men when you are 20 year old in many colleges today. It ain't so easy when you are 42. Unless you like fast hookups. I don't.

    Past that, there are issues in my life that might drive potential boyfriends away. One huge issues is cash flow. Even though I am surviving this horrible recession--and better than many--I don't have the money for doing the sorts of things people in relationships like to do, like trips through Europe. Or dining in expensive restaurants every week, followed by some cultural event. A DVD from the library, watched while eating whatever frozen pizza is on sale this week, is about as good as I can do.

    Discouraging to say the least....

    A part of me wonders...why even bother going on with this journey?

    Unfortunately, I don't think that is an option. There is something compelling me to keep on. I can only hope, somehow, that something will get me to a destination where I'll be happy one day.

    ---------- Post added 6th Apr 2013 at 08:22 AM ----------

    And now that I'm done with the depressing stuff/venting above...

    Starting a group may be worth considering. I guess one can argue that it's worth a try, and if it doesn't work, well, on to something else.

    This is an idea I've toyed with, but I don't see myself starting/running any group. I'm not a leader type. Past that, I think I should feel more secure and comfortable in my identity, first.
     
    #14 BMC77, Apr 6, 2013
    Last edited: Apr 6, 2013
  15. bdman

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    Hi BMC77, haha, you made me spill a little bit of my drink on myself when I read this. It just struck me as funny since "trips through Europe" was not what I was expecting as an example that most people in relationships have money to do. I read the rest of your post and completely understand exactly what you are saying. Just taking that one sentence out of context just struck me as funnier than it should have.

    And I'm with you on the starting the meetup group. I'm capable of taking a lead role on some things, but this is a category I feel completely unqualified for and out of my element. I'm hardly the social group organizer, I have a hard enough time just showing up to one. Besides if guys in there 30's/40's want to be part these meetup groups, they would probably be going to them already, but the people who gravitate toward these things are a more mature age range.
     
  16. bingostring

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    Thank you all for your replies to my post. Many words of wisdom here.

    I have an awful tendancy to ruminate/ beat myself up over past failures and missed opportunities. I must turn that around somehow.

    I remember at university, aged 18-21, there was a "Gay Society" for students ... in those 3 years I was so timid I did not have the courage to go to one of their meetings.. all very sad... Not out to anyone, not faking relationships with girls either .. just drifting through a sort of no-mans land (literally)
     
  17. Jeff

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    You mean money? That has been in short supply for me the last four years or so.

    ---------- Post added 6th Apr 2013 at 02:40 PM ----------

    I also feel the same way. I don't go out so that I can save money, but not going out means not meeting new friends. So I try and hike the canyons, go to the gym, and drive a few blocks out of my way to shop at a store where the "guys" shop for food.

    Trader Joe's in West Hollywood at Sunset and Crescent Hts. is pretty good for cruising I have noticed lately. Hot guys there. But so many driving BMWs and looking like they know nothing about being in the Great Recession.
     
    #17 Jeff, Apr 6, 2013
    Last edited: Apr 6, 2013
  18. Gaysibling

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    I didn't come out until I was thirty. Sometimes I regret not having done so earlier, but mostly I am relieved because the time when I should have been enjoying my adolescence and exploring sexually was also the peak for HIV/AIDS in my country. If I had been self accepting at a younger age I might very well not be here typing today.

    Every person is different and has to make their own choices. If these videos are bringing you down I would certainly recommend that you stop watching them as they are not helpful to you.

    I remember a story a friend of mine who used to be a telephone counsellor ( not here in New Zealand, so I don't feel that I am breaching any confidentiality as there will not be enough clues in this post to identify anyone). He took a phone call one evening from a 70+ year old grandmother who had just worked out that she was a lesbian. The interesting thing is that this woman was just delighted to have worked out what it was that had been bothering her for years. I am sure that she also had regrets, but nevertheless the thing that stood out for my friend was the happiness in her voice. She told him that she rang not because she wanted advice, but simply because she was so excited that she wanted to share her news. I guess what I am trying to say is that every one of us has a different story and a different time line. GLBTTIQ or straight we all have regrets at some level or another but none of us can go back and change our past, and while it is only human to wonder about what might have been , if it is making you unhappy then it's probably better to try looking forward rather than back.. rather than beating yourself up what you didn't do back then perhaps you could turn it around and visualise yourself 10 years in the future being glad about the steps you took in 2013? (hope that didn't sound too preachy) .
     
  19. Wardrobe93

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    to avoid them: click tools--->Safety--->InPrivate Browsing and then youtube won't remember what you've been on and you wont get any reccomendations (also if you want to hide this website on a public computer that feature comes in handy :slight_smile:. Or sign out of your youtube account.
     
  20. Jeff

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    I don't think it works in trying to tell someone that feels a little old seeing those fresh faces in the coming out videos - to look into the future and feel good about that! Yeah, tell a 45 year old that they should look to 55, and maybe they will feel better.

    That's a laugh if it were not so horrifying.:eusa_danc

    But it was a nice thought I guess.