34, and never been on a date

I've read Dale Carnegie's book How To Win Friends & Influence People and it was a good book. It helped me and helped other people that I recommended it to. Not sure if self-help books are your thing but it has some great anecdotes and tips.

 

I second UP88's recommendation, Carnegie's book is an excellent resource whose principal theme can be summarized as follows: show a deep and sincere interest in the other person, use their name, often, and find common ground.

---------- Post added 6th Apr 2013 at 08:30 AM ----------

By the way, the potential for falling on your face will always be there, it is a necessary component of the necessary condition of being vulnerable...I find humour to be the best antidote when it happens!

 

Hi RainbowMan,

The feelings you are having are common for those of us coming out later. Also online dating is not a very good way to meet people. There are going to be 10x fewer profiles than with straight people. Some of the profiles you will see aren't even real. Some of the profiles are from people no longer logging in. SMany people are only looking for hookups. Not to mention that email response rates are ridiculously low, and its that way for everybody. I think I read in the straight world that if you get 1 response out of 15-20 emails that is pretty good. I've been online for about a year and I've only met two people in person. But it would be embarrassing to tell you how many people I've tried to have at least a conversation with. It's really hard to connect with people online.

 

I don't have any words of wisdom, RainbowMan, but I will say I'm in a similar boat. Except I'm older, and I don't have a therapist to help me navigate.

I've never even been on a casual date. I'll have to read one of those books like Dating for Complete Ding-Bats Like You!...

Yes, you might fall on your face...or at least stumble. But isn't that part of the human growth process? And a sense of humor will help. Years back, the church my mom and I attended had a minister who'd give examples sometimes from his own life. Sometimes he did some incredibly stupid things that must have extremely embarrassing. But somehow he survived, and was able to laugh later. (And he did laugh.)

One huge plus I see for you: you say in your profile you are in NYC. That should give you a good body of people to meet in the real world. I envy that, frankly--I'm not near the point of being ready for a relationship, but have investigated the choices for LGBT social activities where I live. Options are...limited to say the least.

 

Online dating sucks! Forget the free sites because they are just hook-up sites. I ran a ad on 3 sites for the first time last year and the guys my age who responded were whores and all used old or photoshoped pics. I got tons of 15 to 24 yo guys sending messages. As you can see from my profile pic I am not young looking at 40 so I could not understand what a youngster would see in me. The 15yo had 18 on the profile and 15 in the text saying dont be scaired! LOL I did talk to 2 of the 20's guys who blew my site up, but never met them. The one guy I dated briefly from it was just a whoredog and the first thing he said to me is "You are good looking" like he expected me to be a dog. It was the way he said are long like. After the first date I became his sex stop on his way home from work. Not what I was looking for. In public guys still hit on me as long as I am around them for a short period of time. At the gay bar I can't get even one to talk to me. Fineally the right one just walked up my driveway one day. So don't give up, he may be closer than you think! Just pay attention to the guys around you for signals. Good luck, June

 

The therapy idea is very tempting, but--alas!--there is the price. I could give up expensive hobbies, I suppose, like paying rent and eating....

I'm sure that minister was not laughing too much when things weren't going right. It was later on. But I think a sense of humor does help. Like you, RainbowMan, I hate being hurt...but unfortunately it does seem to be part of the growth process sometimes.

And I wish some of the NYC opportunities would make it out here!

 

You could just ask.

It is now 11:21PM ATL. :dry:

You aren't the only one in that boat BTW. I've never dated either and I'd probably fall flat on my face if I tried as well.

 

I think participating in LGBT social groups is a good start - as you get to know people better you may find a relationship naturally develops.

As for online dating, are you using a free site or one of the paid sites? I started out on free sites and was getting responses and messages, but most of them were people interested in threesomes or who couldn't string a coherent sentence together to save their lives. I was really reluctant to try a paid site, but after months of no luck on the free sites I finally bit the bullet. I noticed a major difference in the client base, which I guess it makes sense from the perspective that people who are willing to shell out money are more likely to be interested in an actual relationship. That's how I met my partner, and we've been together over a year now.

Also, do you have a photo in your profile? I only ask because users without photos are much less likely to get responses. And what do you typically say when you message someone? I usually tried to keep my initial message pretty brief, usually commenting on or asking about something interesting in her profile

 

I also have a very hard time with dating. I live in "Homo Heights in the Boystown district." So I should have it all, right? But I find that in a big city, everyone is looking for someone better looking than they look, or/and more masculine, and preferably higher balance in checking/savings account. A nice car is very very important.

So today I decided that I would smile as much as possible at the gym. The gym I go to is one known as the most gay in the county of Los Angeles. It is simply 95% gay men, 3% straight, and 2% women. So anyway, I smiled at many of the guys, some much older than I would want to date, but regardless, I just wanted to send out good vibes and feel good about that. I got one guy who I saw looking in my direction, and at me, so I smiled. He did not react at all, it was like he did not want to acknowledge that he was even looking at me. So I held the smile, and he stared right through me with not so much as a nod back. I sensed he was bitter, aging and bitter about it. Another guy was looking at me and I looked back friendly. He walked away as if he was one of the 3% and did not enjoy the look from me. One guy I saw whom I have seen around for many years smiled at me back.

But anyway, that's life in the big city. I am used to it. And maybe I need a new gym, as I have been at the same one for many years. I have a very sweet renewal fee per year.

I am not giving up. But I think I need to try harder at fashion sense, and maybe upgrade my car. How sad to say that huh? But listen, everyone hip is wearing black socks now in case you did not notice. Black socks to work out in is considered cool and fashionable. I have not bothered, and still wear white ones. So I could get with it and fix that, and it would be cheap. So maybe I just don't care enough. I don't know?

 

LOL i'm sure that's not the case. do you have a friend or someone you trust who can review the content of your profile and give you feedback on whether you are portraying yourself in the best possible light? that was something i had a hard time with, it's always kind of awkward when you're basically called upon to toot your own horn

 

Chip, unless I can find a therapist whose sliding scale slides to zero, I'm out of luck.

OK. Maybe zero is not necessary. I say that for dramatic effect. But realistically, the sliding scale will not slide low enough.

I'm at least curious to see if there are options. I'll be looking this week. But I frankly don't have much optimism.

The school idea above is something worth considering. A fast check in my area does indicate one college has such a program. Although, unfortunately, it's a family based program, not individual.:bang: However others may have better luck with the schools in their area.

 

Do you have insurance that covers mental health? There are therapists that will accept what the insurance covers and work with you on the rest. In cases of hardship, some may even just write off what you might owe out of pocket.

 

BMC77 you don't say what part of the country you are in. Look to see if there is an mpowerment project group in your area. Mpowerment Project

I used to volunteer for the one in the Austin area. I got a lot out of it and we had free group sessions 1-2 times a month. A lot of it focus around safer sex, but we also spent a lot of time talking about relationship and with various gay issues. I met one of my closest friends there, so it was worth going for that alone.

One thing I have noticed about online dating is that all of the guys are as busy as I am. So that explains the low response and contact rates I see. I've found that I tend to get more responses if my initial contact is brief. I usually just start out with a hey, how are you today. Sometimes I'll just say hey, what do you think of this weather. Though I usually reserve that one for in person contact. I think I'll add hey can you give me the time to repertoire. The great think about the weather one is that it is so wonderfully cliché, that it usually gets a smile out of him.

I didn't come out until I was 28, and never dated before that. Most folks get the awkwardness of dealing with their sexuality and learning to form relationships when they are teenagers. Most of their peers are going through it as the same time. Us gay folk go through this at different times at life. Add this to the fact that we have careers, family, and other commitments, which take up a lot of time. So we are behind the 8 ball on this.

Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs even though checkered by failure, than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much because they live in the gray twilight that knows neither victory nor defeat.
--Theodore Roosevelt

This is something that I live by. Change is scary and rejection hurts there is no denying that. However we are stronger than we give ourselves credit for. Like other have said it dosen't hurt to laugh at yourself. I do stupid stuff all the time, and sometimes literally fall on my face. I'll heal and I'll get over it, so I don't wait to laugh about it.

 

Back to this thread a little late, but better late than never...

Chip--I think I've tracked down Joe Kort's book locally. Thanks! As for local therapy resources, I've got a few leads that I'm looking into. We'll see if anything happens. If they don't pan out, I'll have you check your list.

No.

I think I did find an mpowerment thing, although it's more than an hour away. Past that, they state age range from 18-29, which is just a little younger than I am.

But I'm glad to know about them...it's something I'll keep in mind to recommend to others.

---------- Post added 9th Apr 2013 at 05:50 PM ----------

Finally, sorry RainbowMan for hijacking your thread with my problems!