Fluctuations, feel like crap

I'm not sure. From the guy that's never been on a date (see my other thread), I somehow doubt that this relationship could work. You say that you're more attracted to guys than girls, but you get horny for girls occasionally (correct me if it's more than occasional)

To me, from the information above and other threads, it seems that this won't work, no matter how much you want it to (and I know how much you desperately want this to work), but there are some things that are just not meant to be, and your relationship with this girl seems to possibly be one of them.

With that said, I'm not sure how in a gay relationship you'd satisfy these heterosexual desires that you seem to get, so I really dunno.

My advice is to avoid hurting any partner (of either sex) and pick one person and stick with it (whether that be a man or a woman, but it sounds like you'd be happier doing this with a man).

 

Honestly, the I'm noticing that the more I come to terms with my sexuality the more I notice and am attracted to women.

Your sexuality seems pretty fluid right now so it's hard to tell where you'll end up. Do you need to know right now? Can you and your girlfriend live with the idea of giving this 6 months or so to work itself out? I think patience is key here.

 

I'm in the same boat today Musician. Was actually hanging out with my ex yesterday and although this situation has allowed me to be real with my emotions, in that moment of intimacy I found myself having feelings of attraction towards her. Which ultimately throws me for a loop. It's really hard sometimes.

After reading what Chip had to say I feel like it makes a little more sense. I'm left wondering how much of it is what my subconscious mind 'wants' and if that's real so I guess only time will tell.

Take it easy on yourself and give yourself time...that's what I'm trying to tell myself too.

Hang in there and hope this helps you feel better

 

With me, what I've encountered from reading and researching is that mixed orientation relationships are difficult to make long term. Of course, that also is dependant on the person you're with and what they are willing to compromise. Seems you're girlfriend is pretty open so I'd figure it's best to be open with her and talk. I think you've been doing due diligence to explore your options so that's good and she sounds very supportive and loving.

This happened to me later in life but obviously this is all scary. It sounds to me that your girlfriend is your first love and losing what you two have built up as your happily ever after is tough to accept. Throw in the questioning regarding your sexuality and it's a whole big mess. I'm there with you my friend. I went back and read through some of your old posts and I get it...

So my 2 cents, take it for what it is...

I think the point you made about playing with your gf's permission is worth exploring with her.

Also this is hard for me to say to you but it's been the hardest thing for me to come to terms with - I think that you might have to start to face the possible future that you might lose your girlfriend. Currently, I've kind of put figuring out my orientation on hold (actually my body has kind of done that by itself) in realizing that I need to deal with the grieving of my relationship. The problem I'm finding is that because of the questioning, it all gets wrapped into one. Wondering if you are making the right decision (In my case, I wonder because of the illness I had and how that had an effect on me), in by accepting this part of me whether the attraction to women is just a subconscious desire to have back the 'happily ever after', and of course, how that affects your relationship with your gf in the future sense. You love her very much and vice versa so ultimately it's a discussion where you guys have to be real about what each of you want and will accept of each other.

The porn/novelty tidbit is interesting to me because that's what I used to get off with my gay fantasies. Although I never have actually been with a guy it really turned me on. But now that it's out in the open, I've lost the 'novelty' feeling and it's lost a bit of it's appeal. Growing up, that was part of the appeal for me. The novelty or 'weirdo' factor for me. I used to think that it was deviant (of course I'm not saying homosexuality is deviant, just considering my circumstances, that's what I was taught to believe) and something in me liked that. So then I guess when I met my girlfriend, that was a bit of novelty too and not to mention she was the first girl I really explored sex with. But of course there was 'the secret' I had, which still allowed me to have this 'deviant' behaviour. But I loved the emotional connection with her and sex most of the time. I say most of the time because I feel that after 8 years it got a bit predictable and of course that's when our fantasies kick in. Oddly enough it wasn't fantasies of me being with a guy. It was fantasies of thinking of other guys with her. We ended up building a life together and possible future over 8 years and now I'm here...confused.

I know that there are probably many more people on EC that have gone through this now or in the past but your situation totally resonates with me right now so I hope it doesn't seem like I'm intruding on your posts Musician. Having found someone who you think you're going to marry then having this throw a monkey wrench in those plans is hard emotionally. Hang in there and know you're not alone...

 

I feel a lot of similarities between myself and some of you. Except I'm not dealing with this while in a relationship or after a recent break up.

But my closest friend is an ex and the moment I seem to accept myself as gay I hang out with her and it restarts all the questioning...an then i worry about things like what if I come out and still feel an attraction to her or what if I come out and a year from now I meet a woman that makes me rethink everything.

 

"What if?" Is a life limiting game that stops progress in its tracks or scatters it to the wind.

What if the love relationship of your dreams is a guy just around the corner you will only meet if you come out?

The what if game is destructive.

 

Hello again, Musician,

I am just about the same Kinsey rating you are...I normally list myself as 4 on the 0-6 scale.

But that's only a measure of sexual interest/attraction. There are romantic and emotional attraction to consider as well...and these are different things. Much as I can get very excited at the idea of sexual dalliance with a man, I know myself well enough to know that there's have to be a strong emotional connection first. Now I can see romantic flirtation *easily*...the right kinds of conversation over dinner and/or drinks...spending an evening with lit candle, talking. The romance/flirtation thing could get me to the point where I could be comfortable becoming physically intimate.

But in terms of *real*, *lasting* emotions? I don't know. Definitely with a woman. I've been in my current relationship for 26 years and counting. I just can't see having been able to do that with a man. I'm sorry, gentlemen...I respect you, I appreciate you...I just am not sure I could live with you. I could get infatuated with you, sure...but love? Real love, not one-night-to-two-week love? I could try...but I think I would find myself drifting inexorably toward the company of women. Not that I couldn't control myself...certainly I could, and if I'd made a commitment, I would. But it seems to me that it would feel unnatural in a way that I don't think I would find very sustaining or sustainable.

What does this mean for you, Musician? It needn't mean anything. Your sexual/romantic/emotional interest *and* requirements are probably quite different from mine.

So how can you make use of it? Ask yourself what your *romantic* (as distinct from sexual) interest is in men...and how important is romance to you? Ask yourself what is your *emotional* (as distinct from romance or sex) interest in men? Compare these to your romantic and emotional interest in women. Some of this will be hard to evaluate, because it sounds like you may not have much to go on...but do your best to figure out your *potential* interest, anyway.

It's the answers to these questions that can give you insight into whether a "straight" relationship can work for you in the long term.

(I put straight in quotes there, because you're not straight, so it won't be a straight relationship no matter what you do. Especially if you end up with a play-with-permission, or three-way sharing, or polyfidelitous arrangement.)

 

Things will fluctuate a lot in that first year you start thinking of yourself as "not-straight", particularly if you seem to be gravitating towards a bisexual orientation. You go through this period of time where you ruminate about your sexuality constantly, for months and months. Having a good relationship during this time can help--it can give you an emotional tether that makes the rollercoaster ride of attraction less turbulent. If it's a bad relationship it'll just make things worse though. I've noticed whatever the gender is of my partner, I tend to lean towards them most of the time but I'll start leaning away from my partner's gender whenever our relationship is strained.

If you haven't had a chance to do everything in your fantasies yet, if you've suppressed one side of your attractions for most of your life and you're just now letting them blossom, you may simply be much more interested in those right now because they're new and exciting. Once you have some experience and you've done everything it settles down a bit, and you find where your real 'normal' is. For some it means they end up gayer than they thought, for some it means they end up straighter, and for some they end up more evenly divided in their attractions than they had thought.

Things shouldn't have to be that difficult, I know. When your preference between steak and ice cream shifts throughout the week, it's not a big deal. You're perfectly comfortable with that. But when your preference for men or women shifts throughout the week, that's a real mindfuck. Suddenly you find yourself having to reevaluate your entire life's plans every few days because "what if this is it and I get stuck right here at what I'm feeling now, and the old attractions never come back"? The roller-coaster ride smoothes out over time; I can promise that. You stop noticing it. You stop feeling like you're on a roller-coaster.

This is something that I went through a few years ago, sort of, and it's tough because there isn't really a lot of literature out there for people dealing with this particular type of attraction pattern.

I think one thing that might help my estimation of where you'll end up is:
1) are you afraid of becoming gay?
A) If so, is it because you're afraid of losing attractions you used to have, which played a strong role in your life up until now - or -
B) is it because you're afraid of the stigma or the potentially life-altering consequences of being predominantly same-sex in your attractions?

 

How does your gf answer that question?

 

I agree with your priorities 100%.

But I don't understand your gf's answer...it seems contradictory/mixed-message, no?

Do it. But don't do it now if you want the relationship to survive. But if you value the relationship, then do it. Um...so if you value the relationship, do it, and the relationship won't survive? That's a Catch-22, isn't it? Presumably then, if you don't value the relationship, you shouldn't do it, and then the relationship can thrive? Nah, I just don't understand her position.