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53 and on my way out.. wanting advice on what to do

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by LateRobert, Apr 9, 2013.

  1. LateRobert

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    Hi

    I decided over two years ago that I needed to leave my wife and kids - for my sanity before I go crazy. I have two beautiful kids aged 13, and 16. Making that decision was so much easier than actually leaving after so many years of sacrificing my desire to live as a gay man and keep up the charade for the sake of my wife and kids. I have managed to keep extending my self imposed leaving date - and have always managed to find a reason to postpone it... Family tragedy, school milestones, and kids birthdays.... but feel I am very close now to having everything lined up neatly enough that will make things easier for my wife to manage when I am not around. I have had counselling - about 15 sessions - but it took 6 months before I could even work up the courage to tell my psychologist that I was gay.

    Living a lie for so long has taken a toll with so much guilt, frustration, and depression. I can honestly say the only thing that kept me from doing something terrible was thoughts of my kids having to deal with that for the rest of their lives, and how much it could screw up their future. I was 46 when I allowed myself to test the waters with men, but once I did, I knew this is what I should have done years earlier. I have never felt any attraction to women - but thought by getting married my thoughts for men would just disappear.

    Over the last 7 years I had two real relationships with men and only a couple encounters as I was so afraid of getting something.. The first one lasted a number of years and finished over two years ago. Then 9 months ago I met a man who I have fallen in love with, and could see myself spending the rest of my life with. The problem is this: I always said I would only ever leave for myself - and still feel this is the best thing to do. We stopped seeing each other a month ago as we both agree we don't want to get caught out and I thought it fair on him that I should wait until I am free to have a real relationship with him.. He also agrees with me and worries what my kids would think bad of him if we were to get caught out, and possibly ruin any chance of a good friendship between him and my kids. (after a couple weeks we both found it too hard and have had email contact - and will meet for lunch later this week)

    I have read so many comments from guys on this forum that say it is best to come out and not get committed to any relationship for about a year. I am now getting concerned that maybe I am not doing the right thing if I leave and then restart my relationship with him. Am I better off to be on my own for a while? He is a gay man who is very supportive of me and my relationship with my kids - and he would be a great support for me as well, so in some respects would make my leaving a bit easier - although I would not be moving in with him as we need more time to further develop our relationship, however, I could see us making a commitment to each other and moving in together about 6 months after I leave if all goes well.

    I am interested to hear what other guys that have come out and if you feel it is smarter to have a year on your own - just why. Am I cheating myself by not doing this? I am not interested in playing the field, nor am I interested in the gay scene. I am only interested in a monogamous relationship and although we have not been able to develop a real relationship since I am married - we have only spent a couple hours every week, one night together, although many hours of email and a couple hours of phone calls every week. over the last nine months. We have been able to do a lot of talking so we know where each other is at, and I don't think either one of us have any secrets as we have both been very open about everything.

    Sorry for the long story, but I wanted you to know the background and understand where I am coming from and where I am now. I would appreciate any thoughts and comments.
     
  2. skiff

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    Hi,

    Welcome.

    Your relationship of 9 months... View it as therapy. You do run the risk of losing it as you settle into being gay.

    Will you be the same man in a year of being openly gay? Will your grieving the loss of wife and children erode the relationship? It is a tough slog coming out to no relationship and having one has benefits and pitfalls.

    The year often spoke of in all major life changes allows your emotions to settle and the person you put forth to others to be authentic "you".

    If you choose to keep the relationship I suspect brutal, constant communication will be key. If you think "he doesn't need/want to hear that" he most likely should. He needs to know where you are emotionally all the time.

    If he knows up front it is going to be a tough slog for a while, that may end in tears, he goes in with his eyes open.
     
  3. Jeff

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    It is different for everyone really. Since you are 53 and have already waited a considerable time to make any moves, I suggest you keep going at the pace you have been going. At least you have made some efforts to figure this all out. You have had years of planning already. I think you should slowly come out one day at a time, and also date slowly, as slow as you feel, but not take a full year. You are too old to sit out a year to think things out even more.

    If you have this guy who is very supportive and he will be there, do not blow him off to quickly, as great supportive men are not that easy to find for most of us. Just tell him you must go slow.

    I don't agree that you will be losing your children, they will always be your kids, and may respect you for your honesty. That may take a while, or not but kids tend to love their parents if they had respect to begin with.
     
  4. lionel

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    Why the either/ or with being your children's dad? Plenty of gay dads in the real world. A gay dad is 100 x. Better than a disappearing dad. Post lots, we wanna help. Keep well
     
  5. LateRobert

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    Thanks Skiff.
    He is a lot better communicator than me and has had lots of therapy to learn how to communicate better. He has already suggested couples therapy, is not pushy, or selfish. He understands my relationship with my kids and will be very supportive of it.
     
  6. greatwhale

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    Then you have found a wonderful guy, one year is a long time at our age...this is one you'll have to play by ear (and listen carefully!)
     
  7. LateRobert

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    Thanks for that Greatwhale. I know he is such a caring wonderful guy that I really do count myself lucky.

    I have been making a lot of progress although today is one of those days when I have been finding it hard to focus and achieve anything, as I am have a high stress day feeling consumed by guilt once again.

    I know what I want, but my stomach is tied in knots and when I think of what my leaving will do to my wife and two kids, and how they will cope and manage that sometimes I wonder if my happiness is worth it at the expense of what it might do to them. But I know I can not also go on like this much longer as well.

    Living the rest of my life as a gay man will be a relief I truly believe that. There is a sense of freedom in being honest to everyone.
     
  8. BMC77

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    I'd say give it a chance with this guy. He sounds like a decent guy. Couples therapy might be good idea.

    I must admit a bias, here. I don't think I'm ready for a relationship--at least, not a serious one--at my present point in my path. But if a great guy came along, I don't think I'd let him slip away. Yes, there would be problems and challenges I might not face later. But great guys aren't exactly falling off trees like apples in fall. At least, not for my age bracket.
     
  9. maxx

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    I came out last year and left my wife of 26 years (no children). Around the same time, I met someone online, slightly older (I'm 50, he's 56) and we've been together ever since. Do I miss having had a 'gay adolescence'? No - I had enough sexual experience to get it out of my system. Would I recommend a year by yourself once you come out? Perhaps - but, as others have said, when you meet someone you really care about and click with - why would you artificially walk away from that? Do what makes you happy.

    Best,
    Maxx
     
  10. lull23

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    If he makes you happy, he can't be that bad. As Sheryl Crow may have once said.

    Why walk away? If it goes wrong, hey, you gave it a chance. You only regret the things you don't do.
     
  11. greatwhale

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    I know where you're coming from, the guilt is crushing.

    On the other hand, I am certain your wife and kids are not living as well as they could be either. You need to ask yourself if it will be better for them if you leave (with all due regard to still raising the kids)
     
  12. Cool Bananas

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    Hi Robert,

    Longer the story the better that way people can give you their insights on which way they have chosen and it gives you the opportunity to read others opinions.

    I am not sure where you got the one year bit from; reminds me of someone telling me about the 7 year itch.

    You might say that you aren't up for talking just at the moment but don't shut them out completely. Part of the problem of coming out and the separation from your wife at least you have someone you can rely on for support so don't loose them through lack of communicating, it is dissappointing seeing older guys + 50 even + 60 using the web based apps, if you have a great guy now try and keep them they are going to be such a useful resource.

    Like skiff said let them know how you feel, even a short message is better than no message.

    Seems like you already made up your mind, you just need to take the next step, you will feel better being honest with yourself and others.

    The full quote is this,

    “Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do" great use as a signature.

    If you feel that you aren't right in yourself then this feeling could be picked up by family even if you don't think they could tell.

    Never leave things too long, or you will be making excuses for the rest of your life.
     
  13. LateRobert

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    Thanks for all of the great responses. I got more value from all your comments than I did in months of therapy
     
  14. PeteNJ

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    Hello Robert, you are part of a tribe of men and women who are coming into their own later in life than many! Regrets? Better long ago, of course, but then would I give up the wonderful things in life I've experienced? Nope. We were all meant to be on this journey.

    I was divorced 13 years ago. And while that shoulda/coulda been my time to come out - I became a single Dad and both too worried my ex would try to take the kids and quite frankly overwhelmed with suddenly being on my own with 2 kids.

    I fell in love with women after the divorce (at least twice... sigh), hoping to give my kids the perfect hetero normative family. Yeah, right. And meanwhile I was depressed, anxious, unhappy.

    In the past 6 months I've dealt with my depression. Ive come out of the closet to everyone -- kids, parents, closest friends, the teachers/etc at my kids' schools, teams, scouts, etc. I'm openly dating men.

    Life has changed tremendously. I've got tons of support, I'm active in LGBT centers. Still trying to figure a lot of stuff out (like, I need a new church). Still don't get hook-ups/relationships/gay friendships and all the differences.

    It all happened for me when I just put myself out there. When I took a deep breath and walked into the gay pride center the first time. Or when I went to a gay bar the first time. Or when I met a guy on ****** the first time.

    And then when I started dating men and going to the places I go with straight friends, with my kids. Didn't matter if I was in the corner holding hands or kissing a man.

    Would I love to come home to a man who loves me? Or have him come home to me ;-) ? ABSOLUTELY! Right now, though, its much simpler. Its meeting and dating men, having laughs, getting to know each other, having sex. Not having deep romantic or relationship expectations.

    I think at some point I'll catch myself. I 'll realize that I'm having a blast with a guy and maybe, just maybe it could be more. That will happen... ok to not know exactly when or with whom. Life is good.

    All the best, look forward to your posts.
     
  15. Lexington

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    I don't specifically warn people against getting into relationships immediately after coming out. And if I do, it's for a specific reason. To wit, coming out can be something of a rush. And many people upon coming out end up acting like teenagers in again...in both good and bad ways. One such bad way is that they might fall head-over-heels for one of the first guys that comes their way, and think "Wow, this is IT!"...only to find out later that it was anything but.

    That doesn't seem to apply in your case. You've already met this guy, and developed a relationship with him while in the closet. So if you do come out soon, I wouldn't bother with the calendar. Re-establish contact and pick back up again. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  16. LateRobert

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    G'day everyone

    Having a really bad week and starting to lose interest in so many things. Wonder now if I can leave my family. Just feel overwhelmed with guilt. I know the kids don't have any idea that our marriage isn't good, and although my wife would like it to be better, I think she is happy with our new normal, but she will be shocked and very disappointed. I just few so terrible for breaking up what they all think is a happy family.

    Just Wondering for those of you who came out while kids were still at home, how did you cope afterwards? Does it really get better? How did you cope in the first few weeks after leaving?
     
  17. Gaysibling

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    I wish I could give you answers. My brother is of a similar age to you, and in a similar situation ( although their kids are both adults and married now). He has been struggling for some time with coming out to his wife and unfortunately a number of complications have arisen and got in the way ( as tends to happen) . New Zealand is a small place so I won't go into too much detail for fear of identifying/outing him, however a new development yesterday completely blindsided him and unfortunately has made an already complicated situation even more so. So, while I can't give you any answers I can empathise with what you are going through. Hang in there. Andrew
     
  18. LateRobert

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    Hi Gaysibling

    Thanks for the message. I know all too well about complications, and for me there have been many of them, making it harder to leave in my timeline.

    It is too bad I could not talk to your brother, as I know it would be helpful for me to talk with someone in a similar situation. As a new member I guess I will need to wait a while before I can use chat on this site.

    I hope your brother manages to get what he wants eventually. I know how frustrating it can be when you feel stuck in a marriage and the toll it can take on you.

    Take care
    Robert
     
  19. Gaysibling

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    Hi Robert,

    I would dearly love to get my brother on to this site. I am sure that it would be good for him to compare experiences with people in similar situations. Unfortunately secure unmonitored computer access is a bit tricky for him .

    You mentioned that you have had counselling. However, based on your comments I have the impression that your counsellor may be a 'regular' counsellor rather than GLBT. Just throwing this out as an option, have you spoken to any confidential gay counselling services? you may very well find that some of the counsellors have had similar experiences to yours as well as having counselling training. Not sure whether you are aware of these folk ? Gay and Lesbian Counselling Service of NSW .

    Don't get me wrong, I think this forum is a wonderfully supportive environment, but different things work for different people, and some people like to talk to someone ( preferably someone who can at least empathise with their situation) . They won't tell you what to do, but they may help you to 'think out loud' so that you can work out for yourself what you want your next steps to be.

    take care

    Andrew
     
  20. Oregontinker

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    Hey Robert,

    Sorry to hear that you are going through a rough patch. I have been in a simular situation and know how you feel. From my experiance I can tell you that I thought everyone thought everything was perfect, when that was only my perception and everyone else (wife and daughter) knew something was wrong for years. When I did make the decision and let everyone know I was gay it was devastating but a releif to everyone. The daughter got over it the quickest, and the ex wife is now what I would concider a friend who resents the fact that I waited so long to come out so that she could have moved on and found someone else who actually likes woman sexually.

    My advise is that you should just do it and come out so that you can start the healing process, which is something that will need to happen. My relationship with my daughter is better than ever, and she tells everyone that I am her best friend. My ex misses the things that we shared, but knows that I am finally doing what is right for me.

    Good luck and know that the EC family is here to help and support you.