Trouble imagining being with a guy

Ummm... I am gay and I married a woman and in my mind we never had a "date".

Work brought us together. Work projects, lunches, breaks, and after working late nights meant late night dinners. Never asked her on a date, we became close friends via work.

I suspect your route could be meeting somebody through shared interest.

The word "date" can set up preconceived ideas many feel they cannot live up so they avoid it.

So don't date... But you can hike, bowl, play sports, whatever your interests are. Just do them with gay social groups.

Don't give yourself roadblocks and if they pop up find ways around them.

 

im in the same boat as you. Everything you said pretty much applies to me. No advice for you b/c right now I'm not looking for a relationship, but as skiff said, I'm gonna live my life and do what I want, and hopefully find someone while doing that.

 

As Skiff said, take it easy on yourself!

Get out there and meet people in groups that are likely to be gay. It will happen, and when it does, you will know that what you are struggling with was worth it!

Being with a guy is exciting, awesome and beautiful!

Be safe!

 

I can empathize. I've been more-or-less functionally asexual for years now. I've never been out with another man, and it's been years since I've tried taking out a woman. In my case, at least, I think it has more to do with the fact that I've never been able to come to terms with the feelings I was having - so I just shut myself down romantically. My guard's been up so high for so long that it's hard to imagine myself on actual date with another guy, but it is something that I want to eventually experience. I think as we go through this process and come to better accept ourselves, then all that will get easier.

Best wishes to you in working this all out. Just try to take things one day at time and hopefully it will all get better in time.

 

I remember in my teens, I'd have sexual dreams. But the dreams never really had actual sex in them. There'd be a lead up to what one would assume would be sex time...and then there'd sort of be this...void. Like actors standing around not knowing what the next lines were. It's like my brain knew that this was where the sex went, but didn't know how it went, so it sort of stalled out. After I came out, and had sex with guys, these dreams became more "complete". The voids were filled in.

It's possible that you've got a similar void in your imagination, mainly because you're not sure what goes there. "What IS it like to meet a guy and want to date him? What does that date entail? How do we determine if/when we're heading for the bedroom? What will all of that be like?"

In the event that that IS the case, skiff has the right idea. There's no set course. We don't all meet guys the same way. We don't all respond to them the same way. We don't all do the same things on dates. We might hold off on anything sexual for months, or we might head for the bedroom halfway through the first date. It just all depends on what the participants want to do. I met one guy in my dorm in college, and another online playing video games. I remained friends with one guy for years before introducing anything sexual, and I went to bed with one guy on the first date. And neither of those was "right" or "wrong" - it just was how we decided to proceed.

Just know that when it does happen, it's awesome as hell.

Lex

 

I knew exactly the kind of guy I wanted at one point in my life. He was going to be 6 foot 2, muscular, ripped, trim, half-Asian, clean-shaven, long haired, masculine, a brilliant musician, and make something in the upper six figures.

And then I grew up.

Yeah, there exist people who have "qualifications" or "standards". Maybe they won't be interested in you because of your looks or age or net worth. So be it. But there are tons of guys out there who are simply looking for somebody they "click" with. They'd rather have a Banquet frozen dinner with somebody they enjoy being with than go to the Four Seasons with somebody that bores them silly. One of my favorite dates ever was making Spam casserole at home and watching terrible "mental hygiene" movies on DVD.

Lex

 

Go with what Lexington is saying; money issues tend to change, but long-term relationships can last longer than your money woes, look for the "click", it is really important!

 

A fancy dinner maybe sounds cool. I would, however, rather choose having a coffee, going for a cake or just walk through parks. I mean, I don't have fancy dinners on "normal" days; why would I then have a date on unknown land?

I don't think you should worry about the financial side. Sure, it's much more comfortable when your wallet is swelling.. but that's not what's important.

I think I can understand your feelings about being with a guy. But, you know, you are the one setting the pace. If you don't feel comfortable with "creaking bed springs", who's telling you that you have to? Sure, maybe you feel that, ultimately, that's where this whole coming out thing is leading. That doesn't mean you have to do it right away or that you should do anything just because it's a logical conclusion, final step, result, whatever. There's a whole spectrum of feelings and a range of comfort zones from "noticing men in public" to "creaking bed springs". Go through them in your own time. You know.. climbing mount improbable and all that
Also, you might find that some of those comfort zones explode quite abruptly. I ended up with a guy (my only experience so far) in a hotel room; I told him that I don't want kissing. For some reason kissing was repulsive to me (very weird considering other stuff I was ok with..). He was ok with that, but after some time I was the one kissing him. That particular comfort zone blew to pieces. The important thing is that I knew what I wanted, I told the guy and proceeded at my own pace (which was the important one because his was way ahead anyway).

So, don't think too much about anything but the next step, at any point in the process. Certain nodes have to be rewired in our brains It takes some time.

 

It sounds to me like you're fishing for reasons why no guy would want you. You've already written yourself off before you've even given dating a chance.

Like the others have said, the important thing is finding someone you can really connect with. There are guys out there that are going to like you for who you are. Those are the ones you'll most likely be happy with. If someone's biggest concern is the size of your paycheck, he's probably more interested in your bank account than in you anyway.

 

I think I know exactly how you feel, so please know you're not the only one in that boat. I know that I'm gay. I sometimes dream of what it'd be like in a relationship. To find Mr. Right, to be cherished, held, and wake up next to him. If I try to imagine him though, he's faceless, without identity, and strangely, I have no particular inclination to go looking for him.

I just live my life each day, and most of the time I'm perfectly happy with that... most of the time.

Sometimes though... I just wish.

 

Ahem - When my partner and I met I didn't have a job yet (had just moved to VA) and the job I eventually got paid $8/hr. He worked as a teacher in a performing arts HS and wasn't making a huge amount more than I was. Our first dinner together was in a cheap Mexican restaurant and probably came in at under $30. And we didn't care

Things have gotten much much better in the finances dept. since then (and I'm sure they will for you too). And while we can now afford the sort of restaurant with fancy wines and such (double income no kids is a wonderful thing), we still mainly eat at simple restaurants or cook in (my partner loves to grill ). And we still enjoy each others company just as much. Maybe even more.

The point of all this is that if someone has real feelings for you, they aren't going to care that you can't wine and dine them at 5 star restaurants or the like. You also can't predict what his financial situation will be. He may be in the same boat as you (a lot of people are these days). Or he may not be into being wined and dined at fancy restaurants. As others have said, if there is a 'click' between the two of you, neither of you will care about things like fancy dinners or theater tickets or whatever (and there are a lot of other options anyway).

Don't put yourself down and don't give up before you even start.

Todd:smilewave

 

Even a hotdog bought from a curb side vendor is fantastic when shared with somebody you care about.

In looking back my best memories are about the people and my connection to them and not the things we did.

Things fade, people remain strong.

 

Years ago, I was helping a guy on EC. He was in his early 20s, just realized he was gay, and wondered what to do next. I suggested getting to know some more gay people, but he said "No, I don't want to meet other gays until I've got the kind of body that will attract other guys." He then spent the next year or so dieting and working out until he got that "hot guy" body he thought was so important. He then finally went out looking for other guys...and then sent me another message. "I'm finally out and meeting guys, but they're so shallow - all they care about is my body."

I think I slammed my head against my desk until it broke.

And I run into this sort of thing across the board. I have rich guys wondering if those guys only care about their paycheck, and models unhappy that "guys only like me because of my face". Don't worry about it. Go meet some guys, and see if anything develops.

Lex