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61 Years of Age and Still Not Able to Accept My Orientation!

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Old61, Apr 10, 2013.

  1. Old61

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    Here I am at age 61, having had several Lesbian relationships over the course of my lifetime, and plagued with guilt and anxiety.

    It is so hard for me to understand why I am a Lesbian or why I do not find myself attracted to men, at all. I have tried to feel an attraction; but, it never works.

    I have tried and tried and tried to imagine being with a man. Even though I have had sexual experiences with men, I just can't get myself to imagine enjoying being with a man sexually. I can't imagine living with a man. I can't imagine being married to a man.

    I have had one period of time in which I totally accepted myself, accepted my homosexuality. The older I get, the more I fear being me! I still fear my parents' beliefs, (die-hard fundamental Christians). I still fear the possibility of going to hell. I still fear societal rejection.

    I, during my lifetime, interacted with a Lesbian community. I hated it! I hated learning that people within the community were non-committal, changed partners frequently, and were, almost, incestuous.

    I was taught to remain committed, btw.

    I am in the midst of trying to get off of a benzodiazepine. I know that this fact has made me feel all the more anxious and guilty.

    But, really? Why am I a Lesbian! Why can't I feel attraction to a man? (Not that I really want to).

    Thanks for reading.

    Looking forward to some replies.
     
  2. Italy or Bust

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    There really is no answer to your question "why." I think you have come to the place to answer the question of "how." Many of us have struggled and had difficulty accepting our orientation. This community can help you. Please continue to engage here, and I believe it will get easier for you to work towards acceptance. Welcome, fellow traveler.
     
  3. Aielar

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    I believe in God, and one thing I know to explain to myself why I am not heterosexual is that God doesn't give me anything I cannot handle - and by that logic, it means I'm strong enough to effectively cope with any lgbtq challenges in my life. Something that may be helpful for you is to find a lgbtq support group with some, or all, older members. Regardless of orientation, some people do have casual sex with other and will continue to do so - meeting people who do that doesn't seem to a priority for you.

    Like you, I used to fear the possibility of going to Hell because I fantasized about other girls. I overcame that fear, of all places, in a church praying that God would take this burden off my shoulders. He told me that everything was going to be okay, and so after that I worried less and less about what other people said, and thought, about my sexual orientation. I think there comes a time in every one's life where they have to decide if they want to be happy or conform to societal/family expectations, and it sounds like that is the choice you are trying to make.

    I want to mention that it takes alot of courage to be yourself, and I believe you have taken a first step in that direction by joining Empty Closets - so good on you :slight_smile:
     
  4. skiff

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    Hi,

    Welcome.

    I am not going to say this is "healthy" but in December 2012 I told my mother off. It is hard enough growing up a closeted gay, where at every turn society is telling you that you are bad, evil an abomination over something you have no control, but having a passive/aggressive/negator for a mother was hell. Telling her off, and getting all her negativity out of my life was liberating. I came out to my siblings February 1st and it was a tremendous relief. Joe Kort would say I stole the key from beneath my mother's pillow. :slight_smile:

    God... Explain this...

    ===
    β€œ70) Jesus said, "If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you. If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you.”

    Excerpt From: Thomas O. Lambdin. β€œThe Gospel Of Thomas.”
    ===

    If God made you to be gay would that be enough of an answer as to "Why?"?

    Is being gay something inside you? Is keeping it bottled up killing you literally and figuratively?

    Don't bother imagining a man. I am a gay man, the flip side of you. I not only imagined a woman I married one. In reality it DOESN'T work for me and I would suspect imagining a man is a waste of your time.

    Is the aging lesbian self acceptance really the issue? Or could it simply be wanting a solid, stable relationship as we mature?

    In regards to the nature of the lesbian gay community at large, it is no different than any other community. It has its beautiful aspects and other areas not so beautiful. I would suggest you are shopping in the wrong area of the gay community for a friend/partner.

    You won't find apples being offered by the hardware store. I made that mistake. I went looking for long term relationship amongst closeted gay men. I learned too late they are not emotionally available for that. Their focus is perpetuating the lie of the closet. So if you are looking and not finding look somewhere else.

    I hope you can use some of this.
     
  5. Old61

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    What a wonderful reply, Skiff!

    I thank you, so very much, for writing to me. I will be continuing to visit this site.

    I am glad that God gave you peace of mind. That is wonderful!

    I do not shop within a Lesbian community. It is my hope that, one day, I will simply encounter a prospective partner. I know this is hard to do when one is not out and about.

    Yes, keeping matters bottled up is "killing me", sad to say. I would love to believe that God made me a Lesbian. Personally, I believe it is a matter of genetics, family dynamics/environment, and experiences. When one experiences their "gayness" and truly enjoys being in a relationship with someone of the same gender, one knows that they, certainly, have same-sex orientation. I wish that God would send me a message letting me know that all is okay.

    I am glad that you told off your mother. I simply cannot do so. Every time I try to discuss my sexual orientation, my parents tell me that I am being deceived, that I am reading the wrong material, that I truly will go to hell, that they want me to live according to God's will, that they want to be united with me in heaven, and that they will continue to pray for my conversion. It hurts them to know that I am a Lesbian.

    I am going to heed your advice as it pertains to imagining. It never works for me! (smile)

    I think that I really want a lifetime partner and that aging has much to do with this. It is hard to know where to go to meet like-minded souls who, also, want commitment and a lifetime partner.

    It surely does sound like you understand what I experience. I am very grateful for your heartfelt words, Skiff. You hit the nail on the head, many times.

    I hope that you now have a very fulfilling relationship.

    Many thanks!
     
  6. Lexington

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    Welcome to EC!

    Being gay means one thing, and one thing only. You're attracted to the same sex. That's it, full stop. Everything is optional. You don't have to swap your heels for sandals, or get a "sensible haircut", or any other lesbian stereotype you'd like to think of. And no, being a lesbian (or a gay man, or bisexual) doesn't mean "sleeping around a lot" or "not being in a committed relationship". Many gay folks are in stable monogamous relationships. I think it IS true that more queer folks are more open/comfortable "playing the field", but that's their decision, and it doesn't have to be yours - not then, and not now.

    Lex
     
  7. Old61

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    Thank you, too, Alelar, for your wonderful response.

    I just REALLY appreciated all that you wrote. I read every word.

    I like your reasoning! "Like you, I used to fear the possibility of going to Hell because I fantasized about other girls. I overcame that fear, of all places, in a church praying that God would take this burden off my shoulders. He told me that everything was going to be okay, and so after that I worried less and less about what other people said, and thought, about my sexual orientation. I think there comes a time in every one's life where they have to decide if they want to be happy or conform to societal/family expectations, and it sounds like that is the choice you are trying to make."

    I, at this time, am dealing with a very painful back problem. It prevents me from going out to a support group. I think you made a great suggestion. I hope that, soon, I can move about and can find such a support group.

    Yes, it did take courage to post here. Thank you for understanding this.

    It is my hope that you have found a great partner and that you are always getting closer and closer to full acceptance of who you are.

    Many thanks!

    ---------- Post added 10th Apr 2013 at 12:18 PM ----------

    Many thanks to you, Lexington, as well.

    Thank you for welcoming me.

    It meant much to read what you wrote.

    I am feeling so supported, already, from the responses I am receiving to my post.

    I will be returning, often, to "Empty Closets". I am so pleased to have found the site. I never knew it existed. Wow!

    Thank you, again!

    ---------- Post added 10th Apr 2013 at 12:22 PM ----------

    I thank you for reading my post and responding to it, Italy or Bust.

    I will continue to engage here, for sure.

    I am so glad that many of the community members have struggled to accept who they are. Knowing this brings me much comfort.

    Thank you for your encouragement!!!!
     
  8. skiff

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    Hi,

    While laid up with your back check into local and national telephone LGBT support avenues.

    Sometimes it is nice to talk and may be a good first step to attending real world support services.

    EC is a good step too.
     
  9. Old61

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    What a great suggestion, Skiff!

    Thank you for your help, your care, your interest.
     
  10. Rose27

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    Welcome to EC Old61. Hugs. You've had the courage to have lesbian relationships in the past & I think thats awesome. I'm in my 40's married & never been on a date w/a woman...yet. A while off thinking of dating as I only recently came out to my husband, parents, friends & siblings.
    I don't believe in a afterlife hell considering the horrific things man does and has done to each other. If I am wrong well then I'll be with friends.
    Rose
     
  11. damn liar

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    Hi there! I don't really have anything insightful to add, but I just want to say I felt like I could relate to what the bulk of what you said. Especially the fear of going to hell, I know how consuming that can be...

    But just something to consider: there is more than one interpretation of hell. We have the pop culture version of hell in which you burn forever, we have the 'hell=death' interpretation (which is what rings truest to me at this point in life), we have the empty hell theory, which states that hell won't last forever, we have the 'subhuman existence' theory (I guess it's a theory?), which states that some people will continue on in the afterlife in a subhuman form (think Voldemort in the last Harry Potter movie - when Harry and Dumbledore meet in King's Cross)... and these are only theories about the nature of hell, not about who gets there. All of the these have found a place within Christianity.

    But I know how intense that fear can get and you're not the only one going through it! So hang in there! ^_^
     
  12. skiff

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    What about the idea you create your own heaven or hell just like the world on this side of the grass?

    ===
    113. His disciples said to him, "When will the kingdom come?"

    "It will not come by watching for it. It will not be said, 'Look, here!' or 'Look, there!' Rather, the Father's kingdom is spread out upon the earth, and people don't see it."
    ===

    I suspect the view of hell is similar. Either is an easy commute in this life.
     
  13. Rose27

    Rose27 Guest

    Old61 Go to Huffington post Gay voices
    & watch this video: Gail Marquis, Former Olympic Basketball Player, Shares Love Story With Audrey Smaltz
    Sorry I don't know how to do links. This love story gave me hope. :slight_smile:
     
  14. Old61

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    Thank you, Rose!!!

    I shall find the video and watch it.

    I read your other post. Thank you! I hope that you find the courage to start dating. I hope that you meet someone who can gently introduce you to a same-sex relationship.

    I hope to God that we don't meet up in hell. Personally, even though I have a fear of there being a hell, I don't believe it exists.

    ---------- Post added 11th Apr 2013 at 11:30 AM ----------

    Interesting thought, Skiff. We sure do create our own heaven or hell, I do believe!

    ---------- Post added 11th Apr 2013 at 11:33 AM ----------

    Thanks for your insights, DL! I have never heard of the various versions/types of hell. I only know of two: (1) an eternal burning hell and (2) complete separation from God.

    I take it that you have experienced the fear of damnation, as well. May we both hang in there and stop fearing what might occur upon death and just live and live with the hope that there really is a loving Creator.
     
  15. damn liar

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    Yes, I have. It's not pleasant. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    Though honestly, the eternal burning hell seems like the least likely version. It doesn't really scream love, kindness or forgiveness to me, but rather punishment for the sake of punishment, because you can't learn any lesson from it. It's... revenge, it's torture. I can't think of another way of describing it.

    Also, amen to the underlined part! ^_^
     
  16. thinthinline

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    It sounds like you haven't met the right woman yet who you will spend the rest of your life with. That's why seeing other lesbians who are non-committed is so unsettling. Not all people are like that. There are tons of non-committed straight people, just as much as there are non-committed lesbians. Just because you see non-committed lesbians doesn't mean it's unique to the orientation or to what you will receive with the right woman for you and her.

    As far as religion goes...I don't think God punishes people for loving other people. That is not God. God is love. I very honestly think that the anti-gay sentiments in the bible have been written in by man. By people long ago who feared or were creeped out by gayness, added it to the bible and told people that God says so to get them to abide by their rules. Those sentiments to me represent man's self made politics, and represent fear and hate, not God. God is LOVE. Think about it logically...why would God have such a problem with it? We can see why He disproves of malice and stealing etc. But loving others of the same sex? There is no reason I can think of why He would hate that. There are worse things. Be YOU. That is what He loves--YOU. In my opinion, He loves how you love, and is not concerned with the technicality of the gender of who you love. I think, as far as He's concerned, we are all God's children regardless of gender and so long as we love each other, that's what He cares about. We're supposed to love each other, as friends and as lovers, and we're supposed to be happy.